biocat

Is this a common codie thought . . that the situation isn't that bad?

I am so confused!! I keep flip-flopping. There have been at least 20 last straws, you know? And then, I will start thinking that my situation isn't so bad, that maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. Then, I start feeling guilty about the things that are "my fault". And, then of course, I start wondering if I actually am crazy, which you know I've been told. Followed by, you guessed it . . . ANOTHER LAST STRAW! =)

Just wanted to see if the codies out there think this cycle sounds familiar.

I am new here and I will post my story for thoughts and comments and support as soon as I get the strength(?) courage(?) time(?). Glad I found this place. Always good to hear you're not alone.

cinderellawkids

I think its part of the codie indecisiveness to flip flop back and forth.

Start setting smaller boundaries that you cant stick to even if it feels like a last straw and work your way up.

Keep coming back, the whole process does get easier

imallright

You are absolutely not crazy. I am new on the site as well, but I will tell you that I struggle with the same thing. I keep thinking, "I've done it before, so I guess I can hang in there". And, " maybe this time he will stop". BUT...somewhere inside, I know it's not true. I also feel like I can't trust AH. I am quickly learning from experience, therapist and the people on this site, that addicts are great at making codies feel guilt... or codies are great at taking on the guilt. You can't make the addict change, but you can take care of yourself. Read these postings and I am sure that you too, as I did will see yourself. There is a better way to live. Be strong. Keep pushing forward, and keep coming to this site. It will help and you will do what is right for you. You (and I) don't have to settle, we just have to get strong enough to move forward.... one day at a time.

peaceteach

I came to this site in November of 2007, biocat. I was seeking some wisdom about my son, who is taking drugs. I didn't hesitate to actively listen, learn, and believe what those with more experience than me were saying because I had already learned the hard lesson of denial with an alcoholic husband. My admission that my A son is just like their children was painful, but only for a day because I had already known that pain. I immediately jumped from acceptance, to powerless over it , and to step back away from the addict mode. Again, because I know this walk from before so well. This place reads like a codie manual, for spouses and parents of addicts and alcoholics. The first step to a different life, a life with hope rather than pain, is admitting that the problem exists. It hurts a lot to accept this knowledge as the truth, I know. But after that, you do feel more calm and not so crazy, and then can approach your life with YOU in charge, not just waiting by the sidelines for your A to call all the shots. I can't say that the steps I've taken since I've found out my son truly is an addict have helped HIM any. In fact, knowing the progressive nature of this problem is inevitable, I expect his life to get much worse. That saddens me greatly. But it no longer takes ME to the depths of despair or hopelessness. I give that credit to SR and the wisdom and experience shared here by loved ones of A's. I hope you read, read, read like I did to see if you recognize yourself and your A in these stories. I know I did, and am in much better shape because of it. Knowledge is power to me, even if I don't like the outcome.

This thread made me cry the other day:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...u-know-me.html

hello-kitty

I can relate to "it's not THAT bad". I also had a selective memory, where I mostly remember the good parts and buried the worst parts.

I found it incredibly helpful to write down my personal boundaries and the actions I would take if they were violated. Sort of a code of conduct for myself. Rules of engagement. That sort of thing.

LiveLife

I had many "last straws" during 2007. What really finalized it for me was that the final "last straw" happened right after the New Year. Everywhere around me people where reflecting on the past year and planning for 2008.

It made me pause and really recognize that my life with my ABF had gone nowhere but down hill during the prior 18 months. We had no money, no tools, no valuables and worst of all ... our once amazing friendship was ruined. When you are spiraling out of control, you can lose sight of the fact that you are getting no where and in my case, my life was a living hell.

I decided I would greet the 2009 New Year having gained ground instead of dropping further into the valley of addiction. I told XABF to leave on 1/3/2008 and I haven't had contact with him since.

This is incredibly difficult for me. Prior to addiction, XABF was my soul mate and best friend. I still hear his voice. I dream about him. I can't count the number of times a day I want to contact him. But I can't. I won't let myself. We both need to recover and right now we are both too fragile. Each one of us needs to heal on our own, in our own way.

Hour by hour, day by day, month by month, year by year .... our choices add up .... and the boundaries we set for ourselves and those who share our lives will create our legacy.

As for me ..... I'm working toward Happy New Year 2009 and not another season of regrets.

Stick around .... the people here have given me incredible strength and the comfort of knowing I am not alone.

Childhood teaches us many lessons. Remember what happened to the house of straw(s) built by one of the three little pigs????

Take care of yourself.

Nikki221

I just recently broke up with my AB once and for all. I don't know what finally gave me the strength to walk away for good, but I did. It has been two weeks since we broke up and we haven't talked once since then. Before I was stuck in the same cycle you are talking about...I would get mad at him and then later on I would feel guilty about getting mad and then after a few days I forgot the reason I was even mad. My AB would just give it a few days because he always knew I would calm down and forgive him...well not this time. Good luck and I hope you find the strength to break the cycle.

bluebelle

I can definitely relate. The info that I have learned about codie behavior lets me know that I wasn't losing my mind. My AH was in an active addiction, and I responded in a typical fashion. He got me so confused that I didn't know what was up, what was down, what was my fault, etc.

wooforever

My question to you is: Do you think your crazy or could it be that the situation you are in is crazy? Do not let it get to u! If you are not ready to talk about your situation then do not. But keep reading and looking at the posts and threads, believe it or not it does help.

I use to get told get over it, you just have to let go. Easy for them they do not live the with my life. But everything happens for a reason. We might know why it happens to us, but it will all work out in the end.

Do not sweat the small stuff, look at the bigger picture.

marle

You are totally normal for a codie My daughter was 19 when she took up with her current boyfriend. He was 36 and a crack addict. I waffled back and forth between thinking that this relationship was bizarre to thinking maybe I was the one with the problem and they really were in love. In love with drugs yes, each other doubtful. But it took me a long time to see that the problem lay with me in wanting to believe and still live in denial. I don't live there anymore because I can now look at the situation for what it is, but I still have moments when I think maybe it is my thinking. Hugs, Marle

biocat

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

I'm in one of my lows right now, wondering again if I am blowing things out of proportion, because I can make a long list of things he does around the house that are "good". And, he is very loving and funny.

He is going to jail Friday for a DUI (his 3rd at least), and I am in FULL codie mode. 1) I am feeling guilty. Maybe it is partially my fault that he got the DUI, since we moved causing him to have to make a 15 hour round-trip drive to meet his old connection(s). This is my fault, according to him, because we moved back to where I used to live (back to the home office) for my job (which pays all of our bills), and because I don't have the ability to find him drugs here. 2) I feel responsible to try and make this better for him. For example, I have been thinking that I should drive him to jail (12 hours round trip) instead of "making" him ride the bus. I have also been thinking that we need to put some money in his jail account(?) or whatever so that he can buy things while he's in there. Mind you, this little incident has already cost "us" well over $3000 with court fees and probation costs still to come. I have managed to stop myself from offering these little treasures up to him, but I bet I end up offering up the jail spending money. If I didn't know this man I wouldn't even know there was such a thing. I also wouldn't know anything about heroin, crack, methadone, loritabs, cocaine, hmmmm . . . what else have I "learned" about. I'm sure there are more.

I would also like to point out that he got this DUI when I was 39 weeks pregnant. What was I thinking????????? I knew he did drugs. He told me he didn't have a problem. I believed him. I am such an idiot.

imallright

You are NOT crazy. It is so easy to get twisted when you live in this type of a situation. Stop beating yourself up... you didn't do this. He did. It is not your fault, it is his addiction. Please, please take care of you and your child... you come first. Let go and take it one day at a time. Keep coming back here. You are helping others as well as yourself.

Abundance

little reality check here......

Alaia

Oh boy...this was me for the last 2 years of my life. Everyone told me what to do, but did I listen? nope, I convinced myself that it didn't apply to me and my ex-abf. I thought we were different, he is different and if I just kept holding on and keep hoping and praying that he will make it through his program, be sober and then we could get married and live happily ever after. Only in the fairy tale I created in my mind would this ever happen.

winnie12

Oh most certainly - I know i went back and forth with those thoughts. It also seems like the more you go though the less shock you have when things happen so they become more common to you. For me, in hindsight, it was just plain ole denial - took some really lifethreatening situtions to knock the last bit of denial out.

IPT

Denial....it protects us from pain. Maybe I should say that it just delays us feeling pain. For me, after 4 years of it as I come out of denial that pain is there alright. I am sure it is way worse now than if I just would have accpeted the truth and futility of being with someone who was all talk and no action right at the begining. I believed her everytime she said "I messed up". I thought it would be different, like my fantasy had it planned. Alas, here I am with shambles of what was once a relationship, sort of, and lots of feeling mad at myself for trusting so many times to end up in the same spot, again, again, and again.

When I hang around people in a healthy relationship then I realize all I did not have. I held out for it, because some day she surely would "get it" and we could live happily ever after. Never happened..

Ann

It wasn't "that bad" for me...until I could not endure one more day of living in the chaos, fear and pain of living with active addiction.

Until then, HE was the one with the problem, and I honestly thought that if I loved him enough, if I gave him a safe place to live with a family who loved him and with boundaries in place to protect us from all that was evil...that he would finally "get it" and "snap out of it".

It was only when I accepted that addiction was more powerful than either of us, and when I acknowledged that addiction is a disease that affects the entire family, that I surrendered and gave it all to God.

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. They are not bad people who want to be good, they are sick people who would cut off their right arm to be well.

You are not alone, not in living with addiction, not with loving your addict and still seeing the good person that is in there somewhere...we have all been where you are. What most of us found was that WE became sicker and sicker as their disease progressed, and it IS a progressive disease that gets worse over time unless they reach out for that lifeline called recovery.

I found that I could not live in his disease and my recovery at the same time. Since nothing I did could save him, I chose to find meetings, support and a program that literally saved my life. Today I live well, I see the beauty in each day because I am able to stay on my path of recovery and trust God to do for him and for me what we cannot do for ourselves.

Hugs

sunnigirl

This is important stuff, and I said the same things yesterday "it's not so bad", but it's not getting any better is it by my accepting what I can have instead of what I deserve. Thanks all for your honesty.

28Days

It's a classic situation. Of course you're going to tell yourself you're making a big deal out of something. I bet they've said that to you as well, haven't they? They don't see it as a big deal, but you do. If he cared about you enough, and if it wasn't "that bad", they would fix it. That's what I've learned in the last year.

I've told mine that I would leave if he used again. Lied about it again. Or whatever. I had so many deal breakers set. And when he made it seem like he wouldn't care, I of course changed my mind. I know you feel like you don't want to be without them but....have they really been there?