help, please
Jujubee Queen
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
help, please
Oh goodness, I'm going off the deep end here.
Oldest son is calling, needs $130.00 or his bond will be revoked, and he will be picked up and placed back in jail.
I refused to help him. My heart is hurting, he says he will run, and doesn't care if they kill him.
This is what hurts my heart, knowing there is NO way for him to come up with the money, due to the million felony convictions for drug charges.
Someone help me put my head on straight.
I already told him I would speak with his lawyer about giving him more time to come up with the money, and I made the call, and waiting for a call back.
Son is crying, sobbing...
Hugs to all....
Oldest son is calling, needs $130.00 or his bond will be revoked, and he will be picked up and placed back in jail.
I refused to help him. My heart is hurting, he says he will run, and doesn't care if they kill him.
This is what hurts my heart, knowing there is NO way for him to come up with the money, due to the million felony convictions for drug charges.
Someone help me put my head on straight.
I already told him I would speak with his lawyer about giving him more time to come up with the money, and I made the call, and waiting for a call back.
Son is crying, sobbing...
Hugs to all....
Jujubee Queen
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
At this point I seriously think he is sober, he is being uring tested by his probation since his last court hearing, so I don't think his being distraught is related to that.
I think it is just dawning on him that he has NO resources...and he may be going to jail for a LONG time.
It's the problem of him calling, and being so emotional, and as a mother, it makes your heart ache.
But I realize I can't fix the BIG problem, it would be like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitching.
Oh gee, I'm a mess this morning.
I think it is just dawning on him that he has NO resources...and he may be going to jail for a LONG time.
It's the problem of him calling, and being so emotional, and as a mother, it makes your heart ache.
But I realize I can't fix the BIG problem, it would be like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitching.
Oh gee, I'm a mess this morning.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
OH Moosie,
If I was there I'd give you a great big hug in person. This has to be so hard for you, stepping back and letting him experience his own consequences. It's even harder when they start to be on the right path and those consequences from previous actions catch up with them.
Talk it over with Mr. Moose and your HP. The right answer is the one that speaks to you gently, calmly, with love ~ not the one that screams at you from a place of fear.
Big hugs from me
Cats
If I was there I'd give you a great big hug in person. This has to be so hard for you, stepping back and letting him experience his own consequences. It's even harder when they start to be on the right path and those consequences from previous actions catch up with them.
Talk it over with Mr. Moose and your HP. The right answer is the one that speaks to you gently, calmly, with love ~ not the one that screams at you from a place of fear.
Big hugs from me
Cats
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
(((Moose)))
I think you have to take a deep breath and ask yourself what would be enabling in this situation. Does he deserve to go back to jail? Has he been trying to put his life in order? Is he making progress and moving forward? Is this just unfortunate that he is short and needs some help? Why is he short the money?
You know just because he is an addict he is not always wrong either. I guess my heart goes out to the underdog, especially if he is trying and honest. This could be a setback that he just doesn't need right now. Acess the situation and and look at the whole big picture. Does he deserve this or not?
My best to both of you, and don't forget to breathe, breathe, breathe.
Hugs.............Lo
I think you have to take a deep breath and ask yourself what would be enabling in this situation. Does he deserve to go back to jail? Has he been trying to put his life in order? Is he making progress and moving forward? Is this just unfortunate that he is short and needs some help? Why is he short the money?
You know just because he is an addict he is not always wrong either. I guess my heart goes out to the underdog, especially if he is trying and honest. This could be a setback that he just doesn't need right now. Acess the situation and and look at the whole big picture. Does he deserve this or not?
My best to both of you, and don't forget to breathe, breathe, breathe.
Hugs.............Lo
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
(((Mooselips))))
Just sending you some support. When our children are grown addicts they call us sometimes as little kids in distress. I just bottomed-lined my son last weekend and told him there is nothing more I will do for him unless it is something supportive of his recovery. So if he called needing bond money, I don't know what I would do. If staying out of jail kept him in treatment I would prob. offer it. If not, I think I would have to stick to my bottom line. But when our heartstrings are being pulled like yours is now,
we have to consider all the factors, with compassion being one of them.
Most parents seem to report their adult children only chose sobriety when facing jail time. Determining when stepping in is better than natural consequences seems to be the factor. May you have the strength to do what is best for you and your son today.
Just sending you some support. When our children are grown addicts they call us sometimes as little kids in distress. I just bottomed-lined my son last weekend and told him there is nothing more I will do for him unless it is something supportive of his recovery. So if he called needing bond money, I don't know what I would do. If staying out of jail kept him in treatment I would prob. offer it. If not, I think I would have to stick to my bottom line. But when our heartstrings are being pulled like yours is now,
we have to consider all the factors, with compassion being one of them.
Most parents seem to report their adult children only chose sobriety when facing jail time. Determining when stepping in is better than natural consequences seems to be the factor. May you have the strength to do what is best for you and your son today.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sending prayers for peace and clarity Moose.
I hope you can work through this, doing whatever you see fit as the best possible solution under the circumstances.
This Mom's heart hurts with you.
(((Hugs)))
I hope you can work through this, doing whatever you see fit as the best possible solution under the circumstances.
This Mom's heart hurts with you.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
How old is your son? I think it would be a very positive experience for him and you if you could have the farsightedness to give him a chance to grow up and to take responsibility for his debts and his crimes. Trying to save him by giving him money may only make things worse for him. It's hard. But stay strong and be confident that if you don't give him this money, he'll be OK. Sending you "strength" vibes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
So sorry you are hurting again, it never ends does it! I agree w/ the above, and depending on the circumstances I make a decision. If he is clean, working and TRYING, maybe, if it's another manipulation he knows will work, maybe not.
prayers,
susan
prayers,
susan
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Moose,
My mother's heart feels for you. I'm sending big prayers and hugs your way and I know you will make the right choice no matter what. I agree with Cats that a gentle voice will tell you what to do if you just sit still for a while and listen. Hard to do in the middle of chaos and the frantic phone calls, I know...
It seems like the text book answer is don't give him the money because this is just another consequence of his prior drug use. But, but, but if he's been trying...I mean really and truly trying to find and maintain his sobriety, I would probably help him out.
Such a difficult decision ! My heart goes out to you..along with my prayers for you, Mr. Moose and your son.
:praying
My mother's heart feels for you. I'm sending big prayers and hugs your way and I know you will make the right choice no matter what. I agree with Cats that a gentle voice will tell you what to do if you just sit still for a while and listen. Hard to do in the middle of chaos and the frantic phone calls, I know...
It seems like the text book answer is don't give him the money because this is just another consequence of his prior drug use. But, but, but if he's been trying...I mean really and truly trying to find and maintain his sobriety, I would probably help him out.
Such a difficult decision ! My heart goes out to you..along with my prayers for you, Mr. Moose and your son.
:praying
Last edited by outonalimb; 02-26-2008 at 10:18 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Moose,
I also am coming for the side of the addict, if I needed the money for drugs I would get it. How many payments has he missed with bond people? He can always go and talk to bond people they will work with him. If not I hope you did not put anything up for him, because if he skips out on bond you are the one responsible for his actions.
I am still pay for the mistake of letting my XADH out on bond. He did not make it to court and kept missing payments and now I am paying everything back. I learned my lesson on this one.
If you have anything against the bond I would either pay the amount or you will have to turn him in. If he is getting on his feet way doesn't he have the money.
You can always get things to clean system before a **** test.
Why are you calling the lawyer, he should be doing that unless he is under the age of 17 years old? He is playing you.
I also am coming for the side of the addict, if I needed the money for drugs I would get it. How many payments has he missed with bond people? He can always go and talk to bond people they will work with him. If not I hope you did not put anything up for him, because if he skips out on bond you are the one responsible for his actions.
I am still pay for the mistake of letting my XADH out on bond. He did not make it to court and kept missing payments and now I am paying everything back. I learned my lesson on this one.
If you have anything against the bond I would either pay the amount or you will have to turn him in. If he is getting on his feet way doesn't he have the money.
You can always get things to clean system before a **** test.
Why are you calling the lawyer, he should be doing that unless he is under the age of 17 years old? He is playing you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
oh Moose - this mom of an addict stuff is not for wimps huh? if my "big girl panties" get any bigger they are gonna have their own Zip code!
As you know my daughter is in jail right now too and it's a constant battle within to not do some of the things a "mom" wants to do. I just know the expectations, regret and disappoinments I may feel if I did those and she didn't follow thru with what she said she was going to do.
So, my suggestion would be to not only look at the here and now, but to look long term - so he doesn't have the money this month - what about next month? or 2 months - If you pay it today or your willing to pay it again in a couple of months?
I know you are wise enough to give the money to the bondsmen directly, but how about if you find out the reason he didn't have the money was because he spent his money unwisely - drugs, alcohol, downloading songs on a cell phone, "dances" with the girls at the local gentlemens club etc.
So can you pay it and let it go - do you have the ability to write off the money and know that you will never see it again, with the possibility that in a few weeks he will have another crisis needing more money again.
Maybe this is not the situation, maybe he missed a few days work because of bad weather - maybe that's why he's short on cash - maybe he's doing well and just needs a hand up rather than a hand out -
I could suggest taking some steps back - trying to de-personalize the situation - look at it from a business stand point - is it a positive investment in someone's future or an investment that you keep shelling out money and nothing seems to be getting better.
Please know as always this is said with love and lots of understanding - the words are words I have had to say to myself many times -
Wishing you Serenity, Joy and most of all the strength and peace to decide what is best for you & Mr. Moose,
Rita
As you know my daughter is in jail right now too and it's a constant battle within to not do some of the things a "mom" wants to do. I just know the expectations, regret and disappoinments I may feel if I did those and she didn't follow thru with what she said she was going to do.
So, my suggestion would be to not only look at the here and now, but to look long term - so he doesn't have the money this month - what about next month? or 2 months - If you pay it today or your willing to pay it again in a couple of months?
I know you are wise enough to give the money to the bondsmen directly, but how about if you find out the reason he didn't have the money was because he spent his money unwisely - drugs, alcohol, downloading songs on a cell phone, "dances" with the girls at the local gentlemens club etc.
So can you pay it and let it go - do you have the ability to write off the money and know that you will never see it again, with the possibility that in a few weeks he will have another crisis needing more money again.
Maybe this is not the situation, maybe he missed a few days work because of bad weather - maybe that's why he's short on cash - maybe he's doing well and just needs a hand up rather than a hand out -
I could suggest taking some steps back - trying to de-personalize the situation - look at it from a business stand point - is it a positive investment in someone's future or an investment that you keep shelling out money and nothing seems to be getting better.
Please know as always this is said with love and lots of understanding - the words are words I have had to say to myself many times -
Wishing you Serenity, Joy and most of all the strength and peace to decide what is best for you & Mr. Moose,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Oh Moose, My heart is with you. You know I'm not that far into recovery for myself yet so I am shedding a tear for you and your son. Your a smart lady and will take the appropriate steps here. Being so far away doesn't help either~~~~or does it....Big mom hugs, Bonnie
Jujubee Queen
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by Japic05 
oh Moose - this mom of an addict stuff is not for wimps huh? if my "big girl panties" get any bigger they are gonna have their own Zip code!
Rita
Rita
I took a walk, reasoned it out with my H.P. and myself,
and came up with a solution:
HANDS OFF THE ADDICT!
(I think I just had a low point this a.m.
No One likes to hear their kids cry no matter how old that "kid" is)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Ok, where the heck is that codie bus when we really need it ???? It must be stuck in a snow bank somewhere....big hugs to you Moose, you're such a strong woman. Prayers that your son finds his way, sounds like you've already made your decision, good for you!
(((((((moose))))))
(((((((moose))))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Moose, At least you took the time to think about it. Now that is some progress. Glad that the walk and the talk with HP gave you the clarity that you needed. Now get back to enjoying that nice, Florida sunshine. Hugs, Marle
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