Therapist question - wondering
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Therapist question - wondering
I am so late for work but wanted to write this down and pose this question. Yesterday, seeing the therapist my husband has been seeing and with whom we were supposed to start couples counseling, we talked a little about my husband, although the therapist couldn't offer a whole of information about the whole thing because of confidentiality. One thing he did say, though....
"I just don't understand his continued motivation to drink."
Isn't that a little weird? It sounds like this therapist might not know much about alcoholism - since there doesn't seem to be any need for any motivation to drink, a hangnail would be motivation to drink for an alcoholic.
Am running to work - will be anxious to see what you all think about this.
Thanks to you all - whoever you are! Talking about this in this venue still seems a little strange to me - but it sure has helped.
"I just don't understand his continued motivation to drink."
Isn't that a little weird? It sounds like this therapist might not know much about alcoholism - since there doesn't seem to be any need for any motivation to drink, a hangnail would be motivation to drink for an alcoholic.
Am running to work - will be anxious to see what you all think about this.
Thanks to you all - whoever you are! Talking about this in this venue still seems a little strange to me - but it sure has helped.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Not all mental health professionals are experienced in addiction issues. The "Getting them Sober" books are actually considered educational materials! I have vol 4 and the harm an inexperienced professional can cause is touched on.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It could be the therapist meant she doesn't understand the issues that lead him to drinking rather than motivation to drink. But it could be ther therapist doesn't understand addiction. This therapist is a couples therapist if I remember correctly and therefore has a different focus than someone who specializes in addiction and its surrounding issues.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I have looked into a few different therapists for my A son and for myself. Most of them are pretty upfront about what they do well and what they know little about. I think it would be very ok to ask the therapist what they specialize in and if addiction is one of their specialties. If not, it may be best to look into finding a therapist that understands addiction and can also counsel both you and your husband as a couple.
good luck and gentle hugs
good luck and gentle hugs
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
The therapist we saw (briefly!
) who did not seem to know a thing about addiction. Told us AH was "alcohol dependent" but it was probably the kids and I who "made him" because we seemed upset and angry sometimes.....haha. Said we needed to "communicate better" (true, but hard to do with someone who drank a 12 pack every night after work).
Was an effort in futility so we stopped after about 6 visits. The kids came a few times for "family sessions" and there were fireworks! They were both livid and refused to go back.
Getting Them Sober (Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications) does have some good information about this topic. And it is written by a family counselor who trains other counselors,so there are a few out there who know about the subject (sadly, I found this man we saw by calling the local hospital rehab unit and asked who they referred their family members to for follow-up counseling). Surprisingly, our son did see a woman in the same office who DID have both personal and professional experience (had to completely detatch from her father for a few years because of his alcoholism) and she was of help to our son.
All therapists have the same general training,but then again so do M.D.s and I would not go to a podiatrist to perform heart surgery. That also reminds me that the therapist's own issues with alcoholism,drinking,etc. color how they see the subject,too. (In one of the GTS books they tell the high % of untreated ACOA that are in the "helping fields" and psychology in particular.) My exFIL is a retired MD, addiction issues of his own to this day and the son of another A-MD. His "take" on alcoholism is very colored by his own experience....he is also a great one for looking for the "reason" why someone "has to drink because of stress" and never does he say to stop drinking or get help for that but always looking to some person or place (in our case me,our kids,our dog that barked,teenagers and ringing phone,etc.,etc.....for him it was his wife becoming diabetic,mother with back pain and him,too that led to him injecting perscription drugs and now it is arthritis that he has convinced himself and children that he "needs" 3-5Rx pain meds every few hours topped with vodka -in a nursing home because he had fallen a few times and hurt his hip and he was weak and not eating well....hello!?) OK, you get my drift. He told me and AH that he is a doctor and he knows exAH is not an alcoholic because he can still drive,has a job and has not been arrested for beating me. He told us (kids went to him a few times asking if he could talk to their dad) that if we have problems,it is because I am not a "good wife and mother". He said that his mother carried his dad up to bed (drunk) every night after they relaxed and talked while mixing and drinking cocktails and that is what a good wife does, and he didn't know how we every got together and have been for 30yrs (because I do not do that)!
One of the things FIL repeats over and over again is that he is a doctor,so he knows what an alcoholic is and not only is his son not one,the kids and I have have disgraced/disrespected the whole family by even hinting that AH has any problems with drinking. FIL went so far as to wrte 20-something son (who had approached this Gfather for help w/situation) as to contacting AA for literature and then proceding to thru the list of 20 questions and "answer" them to "prove" why he did not think AH has a problem! One question was are family problems caused by drinking? and FIL told our son (who was concerned enough to contact him in a town an hour away) that of course not....that his dad drank BECAUSE of family problems! Son asked;how that helped anything (drinking) and the answer he was given that when he got older,he would understand.
Well,I obviously got carried away (thanks for the vent!) but I guess my point is not all therapists really know about alcoholism and not only can they just be a waste of time and money,they can actually make things even worse. Keep your eyes and ears open and if it change therapists if you find you need to.
GTS also mentions that good addiction therapists usually refuse to work on family/marital counseling until the A has been sober at least six months or so. A still active A has a toxic brain and the best advice in the world is still a waste of time under those conditions. I found that to be the case the few visits AH and I had.........esp. when he drank,the good behaviors were out the window. Not surprised by that. I tried just to know I had given it our best shot,but I could not make him want to make the changes on his end,just mine.
Good luck. As with everything else about addiction;frustrating!
) who did not seem to know a thing about addiction. Told us AH was "alcohol dependent" but it was probably the kids and I who "made him" because we seemed upset and angry sometimes.....haha. Said we needed to "communicate better" (true, but hard to do with someone who drank a 12 pack every night after work).Was an effort in futility so we stopped after about 6 visits. The kids came a few times for "family sessions" and there were fireworks! They were both livid and refused to go back.
Getting Them Sober (Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications) does have some good information about this topic. And it is written by a family counselor who trains other counselors,so there are a few out there who know about the subject (sadly, I found this man we saw by calling the local hospital rehab unit and asked who they referred their family members to for follow-up counseling). Surprisingly, our son did see a woman in the same office who DID have both personal and professional experience (had to completely detatch from her father for a few years because of his alcoholism) and she was of help to our son.
All therapists have the same general training,but then again so do M.D.s and I would not go to a podiatrist to perform heart surgery. That also reminds me that the therapist's own issues with alcoholism,drinking,etc. color how they see the subject,too. (In one of the GTS books they tell the high % of untreated ACOA that are in the "helping fields" and psychology in particular.) My exFIL is a retired MD, addiction issues of his own to this day and the son of another A-MD. His "take" on alcoholism is very colored by his own experience....he is also a great one for looking for the "reason" why someone "has to drink because of stress" and never does he say to stop drinking or get help for that but always looking to some person or place (in our case me,our kids,our dog that barked,teenagers and ringing phone,etc.,etc.....for him it was his wife becoming diabetic,mother with back pain and him,too that led to him injecting perscription drugs and now it is arthritis that he has convinced himself and children that he "needs" 3-5Rx pain meds every few hours topped with vodka -in a nursing home because he had fallen a few times and hurt his hip and he was weak and not eating well....hello!?) OK, you get my drift. He told me and AH that he is a doctor and he knows exAH is not an alcoholic because he can still drive,has a job and has not been arrested for beating me. He told us (kids went to him a few times asking if he could talk to their dad) that if we have problems,it is because I am not a "good wife and mother". He said that his mother carried his dad up to bed (drunk) every night after they relaxed and talked while mixing and drinking cocktails and that is what a good wife does, and he didn't know how we every got together and have been for 30yrs (because I do not do that)!
One of the things FIL repeats over and over again is that he is a doctor,so he knows what an alcoholic is and not only is his son not one,the kids and I have have disgraced/disrespected the whole family by even hinting that AH has any problems with drinking. FIL went so far as to wrte 20-something son (who had approached this Gfather for help w/situation) as to contacting AA for literature and then proceding to thru the list of 20 questions and "answer" them to "prove" why he did not think AH has a problem! One question was are family problems caused by drinking? and FIL told our son (who was concerned enough to contact him in a town an hour away) that of course not....that his dad drank BECAUSE of family problems! Son asked;how that helped anything (drinking) and the answer he was given that when he got older,he would understand.
Well,I obviously got carried away (thanks for the vent!) but I guess my point is not all therapists really know about alcoholism and not only can they just be a waste of time and money,they can actually make things even worse. Keep your eyes and ears open and if it change therapists if you find you need to.
GTS also mentions that good addiction therapists usually refuse to work on family/marital counseling until the A has been sober at least six months or so. A still active A has a toxic brain and the best advice in the world is still a waste of time under those conditions. I found that to be the case the few visits AH and I had.........esp. when he drank,the good behaviors were out the window. Not surprised by that. I tried just to know I had given it our best shot,but I could not make him want to make the changes on his end,just mine.
Good luck. As with everything else about addiction;frustrating!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
I have seen a therapist who is divorced from an alcoholic.
Her understanding of the disease was of the UTMOST importance to me in understanding what I was dealing with.
I urge you to find someone who is well versed in alcoholism. Otherwise, potentially you are wasting your time and money.
Her understanding of the disease was of the UTMOST importance to me in understanding what I was dealing with.
I urge you to find someone who is well versed in alcoholism. Otherwise, potentially you are wasting your time and money.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sunny, AZ
Posts: 60
It sounds like this individual may not be the best fit for you. I too suggest going to someone who has more experience in dealing with addiction/recovery.
Therapists can be the best thing to ever happen to you or a total dud... I went to one guy who kept defending my AH and (half jokingly?) kept saying I must have drove him to drink and abuse drugs... he also said I looked "ready to go," and have a new relationship soon. Um, innapropriate, anyone? How about helping me with my current one, a$$? Needless to say, I got out of there, fast, and got myself a great therapist who helped me so much (speaking of, I should make an appointment...).
Therapists can be the best thing to ever happen to you or a total dud... I went to one guy who kept defending my AH and (half jokingly?) kept saying I must have drove him to drink and abuse drugs... he also said I looked "ready to go," and have a new relationship soon. Um, innapropriate, anyone? How about helping me with my current one, a$$? Needless to say, I got out of there, fast, and got myself a great therapist who helped me so much (speaking of, I should make an appointment...).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
OK, thanks, I will digest all this - this therapist (I went to him by myself since my AH is recovering from an alcohol related wreck that he caused, injuring an innocent family of four and arousing the ire of the whole community) was his therapist and supposed to be our couples therapist. There is a guy I have seen who is "my" therapist and I'm going to see him on Thursday. He was the one who recommended this other guy, they are all in the same program.
Meanwhile, I am just a tad nervous being in this house alone. The comments on the website about his wreck are hateful and disturbing - all these rednecks up here - making sure I am arming my alarm system!
Meanwhile, I am just a tad nervous being in this house alone. The comments on the website about his wreck are hateful and disturbing - all these rednecks up here - making sure I am arming my alarm system!
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