Walking away with nothing - losing the house
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Walking away with nothing - losing the house
I started this as I noticed a wonderful snippet from a poster here called Barbara " I am gaining release from the one thing that ties me to AH. I will gladly walk away with nothing from the house if it didn't mean wrecking my credit rating. I have learned that my peace of mind and developing a good, peaceful life is worth every so much more than any money."
That really made me think. I'm 25, I have a house with my partner/ex (I really don't even know what we are at the moment) We bought it three years ago and it is now even in a worse off state than it was in the beginning. He would put all his money towards his drinking and not the house. He lost his job at one point for about 5 months, it was hell, I had to constantly ask my family for money for food and petrol.
I'd moved out when I couldn't take anymore over a year ago, he swore to change, he'd found a good job now and started rennovating the house. Thing is his habit got in the way and the work stopped. It's now pretty much a shell of a house and I spend so much of my life worrying about bills, can it be sold, will we owe more money, there will be no equity, I will be bankrupt...
It's making me crazy. Earlier this year we decided to try again, I can't help it - I do love the person he is when he is sober. I feel ashamed to admit that to people. I keep praying he will suddenly wake up and become the responsible man I want him to be. I'm slowly but surely beggining to realise that this may be just an unlikely dream.
I'm scared to be declared bankrupt, my name is still on half of that house that is just stood there. I live at my parents now which is a pretty lonely existance, my parents divorced and my dad works abroad so its just me. He was living with me for some time but then he started going out each night so after one night too many, I locked him out this weekend and refused to let him in. It actually escalated to me calling the police.
My worry is - what will happen with this house? My commitments, my bills. I was always good with money. I guess even if I get declared bankrupt and that house is repossesed, I will always have a roof over my head at my dads house?
Its just so infuriating to be dragged down financially by anothers behaviour.
I will be surprised if this post makes sense actually, just writing it down makes me feel a bit better though.
That really made me think. I'm 25, I have a house with my partner/ex (I really don't even know what we are at the moment) We bought it three years ago and it is now even in a worse off state than it was in the beginning. He would put all his money towards his drinking and not the house. He lost his job at one point for about 5 months, it was hell, I had to constantly ask my family for money for food and petrol.
I'd moved out when I couldn't take anymore over a year ago, he swore to change, he'd found a good job now and started rennovating the house. Thing is his habit got in the way and the work stopped. It's now pretty much a shell of a house and I spend so much of my life worrying about bills, can it be sold, will we owe more money, there will be no equity, I will be bankrupt...
It's making me crazy. Earlier this year we decided to try again, I can't help it - I do love the person he is when he is sober. I feel ashamed to admit that to people. I keep praying he will suddenly wake up and become the responsible man I want him to be. I'm slowly but surely beggining to realise that this may be just an unlikely dream.
I'm scared to be declared bankrupt, my name is still on half of that house that is just stood there. I live at my parents now which is a pretty lonely existance, my parents divorced and my dad works abroad so its just me. He was living with me for some time but then he started going out each night so after one night too many, I locked him out this weekend and refused to let him in. It actually escalated to me calling the police.
My worry is - what will happen with this house? My commitments, my bills. I was always good with money. I guess even if I get declared bankrupt and that house is repossesed, I will always have a roof over my head at my dads house?
Its just so infuriating to be dragged down financially by anothers behaviour.
I will be surprised if this post makes sense actually, just writing it down makes me feel a bit better though.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm glad my words made you think. I figure that's the best compliment in the world. It doesn't matter what conclusion you come to either. Thinking is the important part.
Although foreclosure on the house is not the best outcome, it isn't the end of the world. Its a black mark on one's credit history for a period of time but it can be overcome. Work with your mortgage company, tell them what is going on and you may be able to avoid foreclosure. That's what I am doing.
Although foreclosure on the house is not the best outcome, it isn't the end of the world. Its a black mark on one's credit history for a period of time but it can be overcome. Work with your mortgage company, tell them what is going on and you may be able to avoid foreclosure. That's what I am doing.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
They definitely made me think - thank you. I always used that house as a reason to put my all in because I was petrified of the outcome.
Update though: He's been in touch with me, he's back at his parents and is doing terrible, not left the bed for two days...it tugs at my heartstrings, I started crying, - I don't want him to be down.
Can I ask - did it take a long time for you to break free of the cycle?
Update though: He's been in touch with me, he's back at his parents and is doing terrible, not left the bed for two days...it tugs at my heartstrings, I started crying, - I don't want him to be down.
Can I ask - did it take a long time for you to break free of the cycle?
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
I see a lot of post from people who worry about the material aspects of a break up.
It does not matter if the other person is an alcoholic or not, in a break up it happens.
You are VERY young with so many years ahead of you. If this happens now, you will recover just like the rest of have.
This is just an item, which can and will be replaced.
It will take YEARS of program for him to change and recover.
The cycle breaks when you start doing things different. Hit some Al-anon meetings and start you road to recovery.
It does not matter if the other person is an alcoholic or not, in a break up it happens.
You are VERY young with so many years ahead of you. If this happens now, you will recover just like the rest of have.
This is just an item, which can and will be replaced.
It will take YEARS of program for him to change and recover.
The cycle breaks when you start doing things different. Hit some Al-anon meetings and start you road to recovery.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi there SugarLily, how are you feeling today?
We seem to share alot, our names are similar, I too live in England in Liverpool and the problems you describe sound just like me. My abf and I both pushed and shoved each other around. I understand now that for me I was repressing so much sadness and frustration that it would burst out at times without control, for him, well he was just drunk.
Last summer I had to go to court over a repossession on my house as we had fell behind with the mortgage. Luckily for me it is in my name only! I also had CCJs put against me through court for missing tax payments, it was scary. We had been struggling financially for a while before that, my abf couldn't get work, he was drinking, we were loaning cash from my parents for food, electric everything, It was humiliating and degrading. But just like you now, I stayed, I wouldn't give up on us or the hope that he would some how get himself together and get healthy. He came and finally admitted to me that he was an alcoholic in the April prior to this, so I thought, well he's sick, he's made mistakes, we both have but the two of us will get through this together. I spent the first few months trying to be supportive of him and his recovery, trying to understand his addiction, trying to solve our money troubles alone because he couldn't get himself together enough to. Then I searched around and found this place, I was already seeing my doctor over depression, and still I was all about understanding how the illness effects him, how I could help and understand him. Then I learnt through SR that I had to help me. That has been the focus of my recovery for the last 4 months. Now I am breaking up with abf. In all this time, all that I have done, my abf has not managed to find recovery for himself, and I cannot do this with him anymore.
It is so hard sugarlily, I wanted so much for us to work things out, I love him deeply but I know now that I need to save myself from the chaos. I can't save him, and each time he was making mess for us I was the only one that was trying to mend it. I enabled him all the way. I hope that your abf manages to find recovery, but in my experience protecting yourself financially and physically is of the upmost importance. A house can be bought again down the line if he recovers.
Keep posting, love
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
We seem to share alot, our names are similar, I too live in England in Liverpool and the problems you describe sound just like me. My abf and I both pushed and shoved each other around. I understand now that for me I was repressing so much sadness and frustration that it would burst out at times without control, for him, well he was just drunk.
Last summer I had to go to court over a repossession on my house as we had fell behind with the mortgage. Luckily for me it is in my name only! I also had CCJs put against me through court for missing tax payments, it was scary. We had been struggling financially for a while before that, my abf couldn't get work, he was drinking, we were loaning cash from my parents for food, electric everything, It was humiliating and degrading. But just like you now, I stayed, I wouldn't give up on us or the hope that he would some how get himself together and get healthy. He came and finally admitted to me that he was an alcoholic in the April prior to this, so I thought, well he's sick, he's made mistakes, we both have but the two of us will get through this together. I spent the first few months trying to be supportive of him and his recovery, trying to understand his addiction, trying to solve our money troubles alone because he couldn't get himself together enough to. Then I searched around and found this place, I was already seeing my doctor over depression, and still I was all about understanding how the illness effects him, how I could help and understand him. Then I learnt through SR that I had to help me. That has been the focus of my recovery for the last 4 months. Now I am breaking up with abf. In all this time, all that I have done, my abf has not managed to find recovery for himself, and I cannot do this with him anymore.
It is so hard sugarlily, I wanted so much for us to work things out, I love him deeply but I know now that I need to save myself from the chaos. I can't save him, and each time he was making mess for us I was the only one that was trying to mend it. I enabled him all the way. I hope that your abf manages to find recovery, but in my experience protecting yourself financially and physically is of the upmost importance. A house can be bought again down the line if he recovers.
Keep posting, love
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Just like there are consequences for the alcoholic, there are consequences for the codependent. And, also like the alcoholic, in order to recover we must face the consequences of our continued enabling. Unfortunately, the consequences for enabling the alcoholic are sometimes financial difficulties. This was a tough pill for me to swallow. I know I would be much better off financially at this stage in my life had I not spent 20 years with someone who failed to contribute his fair share financially. But the choices I made along the way resulted in some financial messes. I am now cleaning up those messes. In other words, I am recovering. If I choose to stay because I fear the consequences of the choices I have made, then I am just doing what the unrecovered alcoholic does--continuing and perpetuating my troubles rather than facing reality.
L
L
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are facing these difficulties. It breaks my heart. It also sounds somewhat similar to my experiences many years ago. After divorcing my drug using, alcohol abusing husband 24 years ago, I tried to keep my finances in order. I took all of our debt in the divorce and only asked for $200/ month in child support (I had a 1-1/2 year old son). Of course, the ex didn't pay the child support and I made too much money for public assistance but not enough to live. I lost the house through foreclosure.
That was extremely painful at the time. I was so deeply wounded by the divorce and what I considered my own failure at trying to keep the house. The most important thing though is that I survived! I lived through it. The world didn't end. My life went on.
Sometimes our problems at the moment seem so very overwhelming and I'm sure that this is how you feel right now. Concentrate on you right now. You can't wish him sober. He has to do it. But you can control yourself and your own environment.
An alcoholic is poisoning their body every time they pick up a bottle. The toxic fallout that they create around them contaminates everything, including you. Protect yourself from his pollution. When you start doing what is healthy for you, you give him the best chance of getting sober. But most importantly, you feel better.
gentle hugs
That was extremely painful at the time. I was so deeply wounded by the divorce and what I considered my own failure at trying to keep the house. The most important thing though is that I survived! I lived through it. The world didn't end. My life went on.
Sometimes our problems at the moment seem so very overwhelming and I'm sure that this is how you feel right now. Concentrate on you right now. You can't wish him sober. He has to do it. But you can control yourself and your own environment.
An alcoholic is poisoning their body every time they pick up a bottle. The toxic fallout that they create around them contaminates everything, including you. Protect yourself from his pollution. When you start doing what is healthy for you, you give him the best chance of getting sober. But most importantly, you feel better.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Oh wow - Lilyflower - I can't believe how alike we are, that is something. I live in a town right near you.
I do realise that all the stress and problems I am facing at the moment, especially the financial ones are all down to him. All down to his inability to be a responsible adult. We both nearly had to go to court in January over failed tax payments and we are in mortgage arrears. I have started considering seeing a Dr as everything just seems so hopeless at the moment, I want to scream at him for all he's put me through.
We are both feeling strain, the problem is - his answer is to bury a head in a pint (or 8) in the pub and laugh with his mates making it all dissappear. I'm getting furious with it now, at first I would think well he's depressed..... Now I'm thinking pull your head out of the sand, stand together with me as a unit and lets sort things out together!! Why can't you?
I have a loan coming through at the moment to get the house redecorated and sold. After that happens, we had discussed moving away to a wonderful quiet country village where we know some friends. Its away from all the lights and pubs of where we are right now.
I'm starting to consider just selling it and going our seperate ways.
This is all dependent on if the loan goes through, if not I guess I'll be off to court too.
Thank you for your advice - it makes me feel better to know that someone went through the same. x
I do realise that all the stress and problems I am facing at the moment, especially the financial ones are all down to him. All down to his inability to be a responsible adult. We both nearly had to go to court in January over failed tax payments and we are in mortgage arrears. I have started considering seeing a Dr as everything just seems so hopeless at the moment, I want to scream at him for all he's put me through.
We are both feeling strain, the problem is - his answer is to bury a head in a pint (or 8) in the pub and laugh with his mates making it all dissappear. I'm getting furious with it now, at first I would think well he's depressed..... Now I'm thinking pull your head out of the sand, stand together with me as a unit and lets sort things out together!! Why can't you?
I have a loan coming through at the moment to get the house redecorated and sold. After that happens, we had discussed moving away to a wonderful quiet country village where we know some friends. Its away from all the lights and pubs of where we are right now.
I'm starting to consider just selling it and going our seperate ways.
This is all dependent on if the loan goes through, if not I guess I'll be off to court too.
Thank you for your advice - it makes me feel better to know that someone went through the same. x
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
If I choose to stay because I fear the consequences of the choices I have made, then I am just doing what the unrecovered alcoholic does--continuing and perpetuating my troubles rather than facing reality.
I'm really pleased I found this place. Thank you all
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
The most important thing though is that I survived! I lived through it. The world didn't end. My life went on.
This is EXACTLY what I am trying to tell myself. The eventuallity of perhaps becomming bankrupt had me absolutely petrified beyond belief. I don't wish this to happen at all - but if it does, I will be ok won't I? I will be alive and I have my parents, it might be shameful to stay at my dads living under his roof after trying to hard at my own place - but I will continue living.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"Earlier this year we decided to try again, I can't help it - I do love the person he is when he is sober. I feel ashamed to admit that to people. I keep praying he will suddenly wake up and become the responsible man I want him to be. I'm slowly but surely beggining to realise that this may be just an unlikely dream."
"I'm glad my words made you think. I figure that's the best compliment in the world. It doesn't matter what conclusion you come to either. Thinking is the important part."---Barbara52
Glad to see you SugarLily...Welcome!
I relate to your post because I too have gained alot through Barbara's insights! I hope you won't feel shamed by admitting you love this man when he is sober. I felt that way and struggled. Nothing requires your love to go away. We are here because we love/loved someone who was an alcoholic.
Your love is welcome. Love can be positive or negative depending on HOW we use it. You know...its hard to ever use it wrong when you use love on yourself! Thats a great place to start. Love yourself....and like Barbara said....it doesn't matter WHAT the outcome is...just keep thinking.
Hugs and care to you.
"I'm glad my words made you think. I figure that's the best compliment in the world. It doesn't matter what conclusion you come to either. Thinking is the important part."---Barbara52
Glad to see you SugarLily...Welcome!
I relate to your post because I too have gained alot through Barbara's insights! I hope you won't feel shamed by admitting you love this man when he is sober. I felt that way and struggled. Nothing requires your love to go away. We are here because we love/loved someone who was an alcoholic.
Your love is welcome. Love can be positive or negative depending on HOW we use it. You know...its hard to ever use it wrong when you use love on yourself! Thats a great place to start. Love yourself....and like Barbara said....it doesn't matter WHAT the outcome is...just keep thinking.
Hugs and care to you.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi again SugarLily,
It is horrible and so stressful, but you will be alright. I am now in a debt management programme, but they cannot help with secured debts. The court basically understood that we had struggled, I told them all about abf's job troubles and my depression, I even took a doctors note. Basically as long as you can make the basic payments and add something extra to repay the debt, they are happy. I was told that once my arrears were cleared my record would be cleared. However if you mess up and miss again they can reposess straight away.
It was hard for me to realise and accept that it was also MY fault, because I allowed it to happen and then carry on.
I'm here everyday during work hours (10am to about 7pm) if you ever want to chat.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It is horrible and so stressful, but you will be alright. I am now in a debt management programme, but they cannot help with secured debts. The court basically understood that we had struggled, I told them all about abf's job troubles and my depression, I even took a doctors note. Basically as long as you can make the basic payments and add something extra to repay the debt, they are happy. I was told that once my arrears were cleared my record would be cleared. However if you mess up and miss again they can reposess straight away.
Originally Posted by SugarLily
...I do realise that all the stress and problems I am facing at the moment, especially the financial ones are all down to him. All down to his inability to be a responsible adult...
I'm here everyday during work hours (10am to about 7pm) if you ever want to chat.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by anvilhead
little over five years ago i walked away from a husband i no longer loved (after 14 years together), a lovely little house on a cul de sac that we'd just spent a ton remodeling, my prized fiesta ware in the hickory cabinets i'd selected myself, said here ya go, have it all, and the dogs too........and started anew. i was 42........
for me at the time, that was the admission price to freedom.
for me at the time, that was the admission price to freedom.
But - He aint having my dog!
Lily - you do have a point, I can't lay all the blame on him. I'm just starting to get so resentful.
His family I feel are now blaming me for some part of this. I called the police after the last row and his mum basically told me on the phone that all of this is not helping with his fathers health.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
anvilhead - I applaud you. I have a collection of longaberger baskets that my AH has brought up time and time again and has said he needs to be compensated for half of the value of. I told him in response that he can HAVE THEM ALL. And if he didnt take them I would take them to a local thrift store. The price of freedom is definitely worth more than any material possessions I may have............................
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by RosieM
About the Fiestaware, Anvil and Peace - I'm definitely tucking mine under my arm when I exit!
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I also started over, actually a few times... but the last was the worst.
but I am looking forward to living in peace.... it's getting better all the time. :
"I wanted to be in a good relationship. Those good relationships that are strong and substantive never happened for me, (me neither) and that prolonged my indecisiveness." ~ Diane Keaton
but I am looking forward to living in peace.... it's getting better all the time. :
"I wanted to be in a good relationship. Those good relationships that are strong and substantive never happened for me, (me neither) and that prolonged my indecisiveness." ~ Diane Keaton
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
One of my sponsors told me once that anything I can hold with my hands is not worth holding on to. It's only the things that can _not_ be held in my hands that I should hold on to.
I lost my dream house when my marriage fell apart. Spent over a decade fixing it up and making it just _perfect_. Had to move out of town and lost most of my friends. Lost my business, even lost my health.
Wound up in tiny apartment behind the parking lot at the Salvation Army. My neighbor helped me carry a small table from the Salvation Army to my place; my first piece of furniture. I used to watch out my window as airplanes left trails in the sky, trails that pointed back to my old home. Those days I was just lost with grief and pain.
Today I have a nice little condo. It's not a fraction of the house I used to have, but I _like_ it. It is so quiet, and so tranquil in here some days I wonder if I'm going deaf. I _love_ that tranquility.
Today I have tons new friends. None of them have L.A. tans, but in Vegas you _hide_ from the sun
They're wonderful friends, and have been there for me thru all my medical problems.
I'm still short of furniture, but I'm kind of liking having all the open space. My house in L.A. was incredibly cluttered. Today I can't imagine why I had so much _stuff_.
In L.A. I had a yard, with some roses and fruit trees. Today I share a bit of green space with all the people in the development. I don't have to mow it, or worry about pruning the trees, or fertilizing the flowers. It's much prettier and takes no work at all.
Today I own so much less than I did just a few years ago back in L.A. Yet my life is so much richer. I wouldn't go back to that life if you gave me 100 houses and all the stuff that fits in them. My life today is worth holding on to. It has become that way thanx to the wonderful program of al-anon and all the people that have reached out to me. It has become that way because I learned how to let go of all those things that weren't worth holding on to.
An active addict is one of those things I'm glad I let go of.
Mike
I lost my dream house when my marriage fell apart. Spent over a decade fixing it up and making it just _perfect_. Had to move out of town and lost most of my friends. Lost my business, even lost my health.
Wound up in tiny apartment behind the parking lot at the Salvation Army. My neighbor helped me carry a small table from the Salvation Army to my place; my first piece of furniture. I used to watch out my window as airplanes left trails in the sky, trails that pointed back to my old home. Those days I was just lost with grief and pain.
Today I have a nice little condo. It's not a fraction of the house I used to have, but I _like_ it. It is so quiet, and so tranquil in here some days I wonder if I'm going deaf. I _love_ that tranquility.
Today I have tons new friends. None of them have L.A. tans, but in Vegas you _hide_ from the sun
They're wonderful friends, and have been there for me thru all my medical problems.I'm still short of furniture, but I'm kind of liking having all the open space. My house in L.A. was incredibly cluttered. Today I can't imagine why I had so much _stuff_.
In L.A. I had a yard, with some roses and fruit trees. Today I share a bit of green space with all the people in the development. I don't have to mow it, or worry about pruning the trees, or fertilizing the flowers. It's much prettier and takes no work at all.
Today I own so much less than I did just a few years ago back in L.A. Yet my life is so much richer. I wouldn't go back to that life if you gave me 100 houses and all the stuff that fits in them. My life today is worth holding on to. It has become that way thanx to the wonderful program of al-anon and all the people that have reached out to me. It has become that way because I learned how to let go of all those things that weren't worth holding on to.
An active addict is one of those things I'm glad I let go of.
Mike
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