Real life examples of recovery

Old 02-25-2008, 07:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Real life examples of recovery

Today I posted about how I dealt with my ex and children from a new outlook. I find that many things have changed in my life since my eyes have been opened. I would like to start a thread where we can share our victories, big and small, over the past.

Here is another one. Last week I rented a movie from Blockbuster. I was excited to see this movie and when I opened the case I found that the actual disc that was in there was a different movie from the one I rented. I had a few moments of wondering what to do. It was fairly late (about 8:30) and I thought about just watching the movie I had and dealing with it the next day. But, I didn't really want to watch that movie, I wanted to watch the one I had rented! So, I made the decision to drive back to the store and get the movie I wanted. The guy I am currently dating was over and he decided to go with me. Back in the old days, I would have been fuming and fretting and P.O.'d about the mix up. On the way to exchange the movie, I looked up and noticed that the moon was absolutely beautiful that night. I made a comment about how if the store hadn't screwed up, I never would have noticed how beautiful the moon was. My date said "There you go, making a positive out of a negative again!" And I realized how much my life has changed since I "woke up."

How about you? Do you have any examples of how the outlook of recovery has changed your everyday life? Please share........

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 02-25-2008, 08:43 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Thanks LaTeeDa! You really inspire me. I feel like you are one of the "moms" on here and always teaching us that we are important no matter what our A has told us, and that we have CHOICES! It's comforting to know you are here.

So, a positive story...the only one that comes to mind is how my attitude has changed from "I can't believe I wasted so much time on him," to looking at that time in a positive way.

My xabf is a musician and often, actually mostly, worked nights and weekends. I found myself home alone a lot. As time went on, when he was working, I took the opportunity to spend that time with friends. I have one friend that I went to law school with who is also single. So, on Saturday nights I would go to her house and hang out and just have fun girl time. When I wasn't with her, I was with another friend who I have only know for three years. The law school friend and I are very close because of all the time we have spent together. In this break-up, I don't know what I would have done without her. She's been very supportive, and not at all judgmental. The other friend is also like a sister to me. Actually, we became so close she asked me to be her maid of honor in her wedding. These two are my NY family because I don't have any of my actual family here.

The moral of the story is that when the break-up first happened, I was so angry that I gave up so much of my life for him. Then I thought if I hadn't been in that place and spent so much time with my friends, I wouldn't have the relationships I have with them. I can't imagine what that would have been like. Thank God I will never have to know. In a way, Thank God he sent me my xabf so I could find these wonderful ladies!
NYC_Chick is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 03:41 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Recovering Codependant
 
Lilyflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
My story is about my decision to break up with my abf.

I have never ended a relationship before. I have always been the one in my relationships who will keep fighting on, who keeps believing that we can make it. It has always been the other person who has ended it and told me they were done.

On Friday, I decided I was done. I went home and told my abf so. It was so difficult to me, I felt so emotional and just wanted him to say the things I needed to hear so that we wouldn't break up. I spent the weekend feeling really mixed up, emotional. It was hard. During the time though I have known I was doing the right thing. I haven't broken down in fits of tears like I would've in the past. Even when I have started to cry I have realised my tears are because I am asking myself ''why has this happened'', ''how can he not care enough to save us'' etc. Each time there has been a voice in my head that tells me I've done everything I could do, now it is up to HIM to show me he can change. I need more than just comforting words, I need to SEE things happening.

This is amazing for me, in days gone by I have grasped at any sign of hope and held on for a brighter day only to be left sad and empty inside once more. I have allowed myself to wallow in self despair and cried like a baby over my hurts and not had the strength to save myself. many times in the past 18 or so months I have almost ended it with abf, only to fall to my delusions that it would be ok, we could sort it out. Now I know that I was trying as hard as I knew how to save us, where as my abf was not. I feel as if he has at some level feared losing me and so has made steps forward, but each time I have approached him and told him how alone I have felt, how afraid I have been, how I did not know how much longer I could go on for, he has not fully comprehended what I have said, he has perhaps convinced himself that we could carry on without him making a serious effort with recovery.

I am glad I am not feeling overwhelmed by my emotions, I was afraid I would and that I couldn't cope with that. But I am still sad that my xabf has not yet seen the light and crossed that bridge with me, hopefully in time he will but I cannot spend the next --- years waiting in pain.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lilyflower is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 07:08 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Pajarito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
LTD- you are so inspiring to me as well. I am so grateful for your kind words and your advice/cheering those of us on who are not as far along as you are. I love to hear how recovery works. Please keep writing about your experiences. They give me hope.
Pajarito is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 08:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
My story is over signing our divorce papers. My AH and I came to a verbal agreement on all aspects of our divorce. I didn't have any expectation that he would stick with it so I was in no hurry to have the papers drawn up only to have him refuse to sign and verbally harass me further (he was still living in the house). Two weeks before he was due to move out he insisted he was not leaving without something to "show his lawyer" (the one he never hired) so I had the settlement drawn up. Of course instead of signing it he ranted and raved and insisted I take out the provision regarding no alcohol during visitation and mandatory testing if he violated it. I didn't react and told him that I would talk to my attorney about modifications but that the no alcohol was NOT coming out. Sure enough the very next day a letter comes from the court for a custody hearing interview (he is scared to death of being under scrutiny so the timing was perfect). I had my attorney make a small change to the language and gave the A the papers again (at this point he had moved out so less drama). I reminded him that they needed to be signed by a certain day so that I can take them to my custody interview and present them as our settlement and have them filed. Of course on the last day he calls and says "so when do I have to have these signed by?" instead of totally losing it I simply said "you do not have to sign them at all, I will see you in court next week and then next month at a settlement hearing and the month after that for mediation". Whe I got home from work that night the signed papers were on my desk
hadenoughnow is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 09:06 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Progress Not Perfection
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I am early in my recovery Pt. 2. LOL

I don't know if this qualifies...but I really have an appreciation for those individuals "further along the path" in their recovery who share with kindness, compassion and hope. This is different than my first recovery go-round...because back then...I mostly admired those "tough-love/pull yourself together and get over it" types...which helped me at the time...no doubt.

I eliminated the influence of alcoholic/addicts/toxic/dysfunctional people from my life. That was a good start. But doing that doesn't make me a saint...or a guru...I am still left with my character defects. That accomplishment doesn't mean that my work is over. I still have me to deal with and I am learning to do that with kindness, compassion and hope....thanks to some lovely people here at SR who are working with me on that. To say to myself, "Well, those emotionally unavailable people are gone I guess my work is done here." isn't honest because I treat people in an emotionally unavailable manner, sometimes.

Today, in my recovery, I am taking things slow and actually getting more out of my recovery readings than I did years ago. I am actually thinking about the principles...meditating on them and what they mean...what they are actually saying. Instead of like the past..when I was like, "Yes...Yes...thats nice...kinda idealistic but..." and then going on and handling things "the way I see fit" and forgeting the point completely.

Today...I realize...that 12 step recovery has elements of self-discipline (to put it mildly) and I rejected whole aspects of this, years ago.

So thats where I am at today...starting over and trying to do better. Trying to listen and let "the truth" of my recovery sink in...instead of rebelling. I am tired of rebelling against my recovery. I find I just get worn out...and my "truth" is still just waiting for me in the morning.

Thanks for the opportunity to share! Great thread.
Growing is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 09:32 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Growing View Post
I don't know if this qualifies...but I really have an appreciation for those individuals "further along the path" in their recovery who share with kindness, compassion and hope. This is different than my first recovery go-round...because back then...I mostly admired those "tough-love/pull yourself together and get over it" types...which helped me at the time...no doubt.
That's what I love about SR. In the time I have been on this forum, I have seen so many diverse examples of recovery. There is no one way that works for everyone. Some use the 12 steps, some use therapy, some use books, others use a combination of some or all of them. I have seen miracles happen on this forum, and I have been blessed to have met some really wonderful people who have opened my eyes in ways I never would have thought possible. We each have our own path to walk and I am so grateful for SR having been a part of mine.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 09:50 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
up and out
 
appleblaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Ten little victories.....

1) I can allow members of my family who are still in the dark to stay there as long as they need without feeling the need to force feed them the answers.

2) I've learned the art of not taking things personally.

3) I've gained the understanding of compassion for the alcoholic/addict without feeling sorry for the way they've chosen to live their lives.

4) I discovered that I do not know how to forgive and i'm working on that one by forgiving myself first for all of my selfish codie actions and behaviors of the past.

5) I've learned that the past does not define me. Also that my emotions do not define me as they are temporary.

6) I've learned the difference between learning something and actually accepting it.

7) I'm so much closer to my HP than ever and I truly believe i'm loved.

8) I can accept that my recovery will not come in one big dose.

9) I've accepted that I do not have to be perfect, nor do the people around me have to be.

10) I've come to realize that I deserve happiness and so does everyone else, even those deep in their sickness and that through recovery we can all find it.
appleblaster is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 12:20 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
I've learned if you like the person you're alone with....then you are never lonely.

I would rather choose to be by myself, then to feel the need to spend ANY amount of time with a man who is less than what I deserve. I have learned to NOT accept any type of yellow or red light behavior.
carolineb is offline  
Old 02-26-2008, 04:46 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
I Finally Love My Life!!!
 
cagefree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
*I went on a date in December and the next day the guy showed up unannounced, lied that he lost my number and walked around my property when I wasn't there. I didn't get scared, make excuses or worry about his feelings. I got p1ssed and stood up for myself making a very clear boundary. Never heard back from him.

*I disagreed with my boss today. What's more, she didn't agree with me and we have agreed to disagree. No part of that bothers me.

*I watched an old Beverly Hills 90210 re-run and can't believe what a codependent Brenda was...and I used to think Dylan was such a catch! Eeewwww! You go out on a first date and your ride pours a hard drink, gets peeved that you are concerned, then later throws a potted plant at you...I can't believe it didn't last!! LOL

*I was feeling rather lonely this weekend and my therapist later asked me to deduce that feeling...I realized that I had it in my head that I was not good at making friends and I was critical of them. When I thought about these 2 things I could only hear my mother's voice...I then realized neither of those things were true...I have lived 34 years thinking those 2 critical thoughts about myself that I no longer have to "own".

Then my therapist reminded me that during my very first session that those 2 things were at the top of my list of things I felt I needed to change - and come to find out there was nothing wrong with me to begin with. This has been a common theme in my recovery of codependency.

I can't wait for more!
cagefree is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:58 AM.