Remind me again?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Remind me again?
Hey - can you all remind me again what's the "proper" way to go about this...
Husband is an A - opiate addiction. We're getting a divorce. I don't think he has the $ to buy me out, so I haven't moved and am getting pre-approval to buy him out. He spent months tapering and then with a detox kit from the Dr. for 2 weeks of absolute mess over the holidays. He has since placed 2 orders for meds, he became Mr. Happy a few weeks ago (wanted me to fold his shirts if you all remember LOL!).
That is the nutshell for those that don't know. I have not really talked to anyone in his family about this whole situation, except 1 SIL, and that was a while ago now. Since seeing her he's ordered more codeine, and is not working much. I think he's in la la land as far as his money goes, etc. So, do I talk to a member of his family about what is going on so they know? He has told some of his family about his codeine issue, but told them while detoxing and now they think he's free and clean - No problem. No one's really had time to spend with the knowledge of this issue to figure it out (remember, I just found out in Sept/Oct and have been cramming ever since). I don't feel like it's my responsibility, but there is a feeling like I should or could let them know what is going on so they can make a more informed decision on just how much they want to help him ($ wise or otherwise) - would be up to them obviously what they do with the information.
I have no desire to sit down and educate the entire family, I'm just thinking maybe I should sit down with his 2 brothers and just tell them this is what I know, this is what I know he's been doing, this is where I'm at, and this is what I'm doing. (The divorce papers are on their way and because of his inability to get a grip on his $ situation, it's going to be a fight - but thankfully, I'm personally ready for this, so it's not an issue for me.)
I can't fix him, I can't cure him, and I certainly cannot and do not want to tell his family how to handle themselves, that is not the point. That's why I'm asking if this is something I should do? I do care about these people, and given time they will figure it out themselves, but as with me, the practicality of our situation means getting up to speed a bit fast right now. I would hate to have them feel like "if they had known" they would have or would not have helped him financially or otherwise.
Thanks for your help - I know this has been covered, but I can't seem to find the posts I'm looking for so thought I'd just re-ask.
In the meantime - Hi all, hope everyone is doing well! :ghug2
Husband is an A - opiate addiction. We're getting a divorce. I don't think he has the $ to buy me out, so I haven't moved and am getting pre-approval to buy him out. He spent months tapering and then with a detox kit from the Dr. for 2 weeks of absolute mess over the holidays. He has since placed 2 orders for meds, he became Mr. Happy a few weeks ago (wanted me to fold his shirts if you all remember LOL!).
That is the nutshell for those that don't know. I have not really talked to anyone in his family about this whole situation, except 1 SIL, and that was a while ago now. Since seeing her he's ordered more codeine, and is not working much. I think he's in la la land as far as his money goes, etc. So, do I talk to a member of his family about what is going on so they know? He has told some of his family about his codeine issue, but told them while detoxing and now they think he's free and clean - No problem. No one's really had time to spend with the knowledge of this issue to figure it out (remember, I just found out in Sept/Oct and have been cramming ever since). I don't feel like it's my responsibility, but there is a feeling like I should or could let them know what is going on so they can make a more informed decision on just how much they want to help him ($ wise or otherwise) - would be up to them obviously what they do with the information.
I have no desire to sit down and educate the entire family, I'm just thinking maybe I should sit down with his 2 brothers and just tell them this is what I know, this is what I know he's been doing, this is where I'm at, and this is what I'm doing. (The divorce papers are on their way and because of his inability to get a grip on his $ situation, it's going to be a fight - but thankfully, I'm personally ready for this, so it's not an issue for me.)
I can't fix him, I can't cure him, and I certainly cannot and do not want to tell his family how to handle themselves, that is not the point. That's why I'm asking if this is something I should do? I do care about these people, and given time they will figure it out themselves, but as with me, the practicality of our situation means getting up to speed a bit fast right now. I would hate to have them feel like "if they had known" they would have or would not have helped him financially or otherwise.
Thanks for your help - I know this has been covered, but I can't seem to find the posts I'm looking for so thought I'd just re-ask.
In the meantime - Hi all, hope everyone is doing well! :ghug2
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
codeinewife...
When things were bad with my exah...and when I finally left him and filed for divorce, HIS family was one of my biggest support systems. I went to them when I suspected there was a drug problem, I leaned heavily on them for support...and so when I finally reached the point where it was time for me to leave exah and file for divorce, they already knew what was going on...and they supported me 100%. Their love and support really helped me get thru a difficult time. It really did.
The only exception to this had to do with my exah's father who lived in another state and who had never once offered any words of encouragement or support. I took his cue and never spoke to him about anything as far as my exah was concerned.
What does your past relationship with his family dictate?
Are you close to them?
Do you think they have any idea about what is going on? If they aren't a potential source of support to you, I say leave it alone. You don't have to explain or justify what you are doing to them...and, unless they've been on board since the problem began, they probably won't believe you and might just figure what you're telling them is sour grapes.
I agree with Kitty...lean on those who have supported you thru the mess and take care of those kids. The rest of the world (including his family if they aren't really aware of the depth of his problem) will have to figure it out in their own time. This is just one of those areas in life where the experience has to be first-hand to really appreciate and understand.
Stay strong...you're doing great...
When things were bad with my exah...and when I finally left him and filed for divorce, HIS family was one of my biggest support systems. I went to them when I suspected there was a drug problem, I leaned heavily on them for support...and so when I finally reached the point where it was time for me to leave exah and file for divorce, they already knew what was going on...and they supported me 100%. Their love and support really helped me get thru a difficult time. It really did.
The only exception to this had to do with my exah's father who lived in another state and who had never once offered any words of encouragement or support. I took his cue and never spoke to him about anything as far as my exah was concerned.
What does your past relationship with his family dictate?
Are you close to them?
Do you think they have any idea about what is going on? If they aren't a potential source of support to you, I say leave it alone. You don't have to explain or justify what you are doing to them...and, unless they've been on board since the problem began, they probably won't believe you and might just figure what you're telling them is sour grapes.
I agree with Kitty...lean on those who have supported you thru the mess and take care of those kids. The rest of the world (including his family if they aren't really aware of the depth of his problem) will have to figure it out in their own time. This is just one of those areas in life where the experience has to be first-hand to really appreciate and understand.
Stay strong...you're doing great...
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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You guys are sweet - but you know, I don't have kids! I just really respect and support you parents A LOT! It's one of those things that I didn't know I was having a conversation with an addict about having children. My choice to let it go, but you know, it's one of my biggest hurts that he took that choice away from me, because had I known what and who I was talking to, I might have made a different choice for myself. Anyhow - as far as his family, they have always been loving and supportive, but I made a conscious choice when all this started not to muck up the works and let them be his support system, as I had my family. This of course was before I found out he had an addiction issue. So, I think they'd be supportive and receptive, but it's not for support for me, it's for them. That's why I feel like maybe I'm just not following through on something that really will take no effort or time on my part to let them know - see what I mean?
I just don't want to be avoiding something, that really as a responsible and reasonable person, I could or should do. That's all, so I really do appreciate the input. I haven't been in this long enough so there are little things like this situation, where the motivation has changed from wanting them to know to "help" him, to just wanting them to know what's going on so they can make an informed choice/decision for themselves.
I just don't want to be avoiding something, that really as a responsible and reasonable person, I could or should do. That's all, so I really do appreciate the input. I haven't been in this long enough so there are little things like this situation, where the motivation has changed from wanting them to know to "help" him, to just wanting them to know what's going on so they can make an informed choice/decision for themselves.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
hang in there codeine wife! I think your doing so well - making tough choices and following through on your decisions. Weigh everything, don't rush into telling them. If it's right, I bet the moment presents itself without you having to push it. :-)
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
You're a very sweet, caring woman...
If it would give you a sense of peace that you let them know what was going on for their benefit...I say go for it...as long as you can do it without any expectation that they will really 'get it'. They might not get it. They might chose to deny what you are telling them... they might even accuse you of spreading vicious lies about their son/brother. People can get pretty defensive on behalf of their loved ones in this type of a situation, ya know? If you are prepared for this type of reaction, I say go for it if it will make you feel better that you at least tried.
And about the children issue... On one hand, I'm sorry that you don't have any children if thats one of the things you wanted out of this relationship before addiction reared its ugly head...But maybe its really a blessing because its really really really hard when you have children with the addict...
I hope your young enough that you can some day have children with someone who would make a worthy husband and father.
Stay strong...
If it would give you a sense of peace that you let them know what was going on for their benefit...I say go for it...as long as you can do it without any expectation that they will really 'get it'. They might not get it. They might chose to deny what you are telling them... they might even accuse you of spreading vicious lies about their son/brother. People can get pretty defensive on behalf of their loved ones in this type of a situation, ya know? If you are prepared for this type of reaction, I say go for it if it will make you feel better that you at least tried.
And about the children issue... On one hand, I'm sorry that you don't have any children if thats one of the things you wanted out of this relationship before addiction reared its ugly head...But maybe its really a blessing because its really really really hard when you have children with the addict...
I hope your young enough that you can some day have children with someone who would make a worthy husband and father.
Stay strong...
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
hi c-d,
i always enjoy your posts. you seem really cool.
a book i have on addiction says "with knowledge comes responsibility" and it says that silence is the number one way addiction wins in families.
so...if his family did not know he was a drug addict, i would think the moral choice would be to inform them--not convince but inform.
however, since the family already knows he has the disease, then i don't think you are obligated to let them know if he is in relapse or not. they know there's an addict in the family...it's their responsibility to seek information on how they can help him. (by not rescuing).
i am looking forward to your future posts...from your future life...of HAPPINESS.
i always enjoy your posts. you seem really cool.
a book i have on addiction says "with knowledge comes responsibility" and it says that silence is the number one way addiction wins in families.
so...if his family did not know he was a drug addict, i would think the moral choice would be to inform them--not convince but inform.
however, since the family already knows he has the disease, then i don't think you are obligated to let them know if he is in relapse or not. they know there's an addict in the family...it's their responsibility to seek information on how they can help him. (by not rescuing).
i am looking forward to your future posts...from your future life...of HAPPINESS.
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