Advice anyone???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Advice anyone???
Not sure exactly what I'm looking for here... I'm trying my best to deal with my AW (soon to be Ex...) and no matter what I do or don't do she finds a way to come at me. I've posted on here a few times for advice (thanks to all!) and am trying to apply what I've learned.
I quit responding to her emotional emails and text messages so she finds some reason that she 'needs' to contact me. She was supposed to move her stuff out of he house this coming Sunday but sent me a text a couple of days ago that she was going to come Monday (today) to get the TV out of the bedroom (37" plasma, I'm really going to miss that TV :-) ) and asking me to unhook it and take it off the wall - her reason was she didn't want to damage anything of mine connected to the TV. I didn't acknowledge her at all - my thinking is that the TV bit was just something to try to get a response from me. The TV is the only thing she asked for that I asked her not to take so she knows I don't want to give it up. Typical guy, huh? She figured out how to disconnect and move a computer, desk, bedroom suite, dining room suite - I'm sure she can manage the TV.
So, since I've quit responding to her pointless emails, comments that she makes to our friends, silly text messages what does she do???? Tracks me down in an online community I'm on! I do woodworking and post my projects online - one of the things I make are wine bottle stoppers. I don't drink, but I like to make them and I give them away to friends that enjoy wine. She flamed me on the board and made a comment about the irony of making a thing of such beauty to be used for something so evil. For the record I don't think wine is evil, just the way it controls some people. Just like gambling, eating or even sex - none of them are evil if enjoyed properly.
So now I'm starting to get paranoid, her behavior is becoming stranger each day and she'll go 180 degrees from one day to the next. Nice one day and then stabbing at me the next. I'm worried now that she might try to damage some of my things, or take things she's not supposed to. I don't want to be helpful to her in any way - I'm trying to ignore her but she won't leave me alone. I intend to be professional and polite to her and that is all.
I quit responding to her emotional emails and text messages so she finds some reason that she 'needs' to contact me. She was supposed to move her stuff out of he house this coming Sunday but sent me a text a couple of days ago that she was going to come Monday (today) to get the TV out of the bedroom (37" plasma, I'm really going to miss that TV :-) ) and asking me to unhook it and take it off the wall - her reason was she didn't want to damage anything of mine connected to the TV. I didn't acknowledge her at all - my thinking is that the TV bit was just something to try to get a response from me. The TV is the only thing she asked for that I asked her not to take so she knows I don't want to give it up. Typical guy, huh? She figured out how to disconnect and move a computer, desk, bedroom suite, dining room suite - I'm sure she can manage the TV.
So, since I've quit responding to her pointless emails, comments that she makes to our friends, silly text messages what does she do???? Tracks me down in an online community I'm on! I do woodworking and post my projects online - one of the things I make are wine bottle stoppers. I don't drink, but I like to make them and I give them away to friends that enjoy wine. She flamed me on the board and made a comment about the irony of making a thing of such beauty to be used for something so evil. For the record I don't think wine is evil, just the way it controls some people. Just like gambling, eating or even sex - none of them are evil if enjoyed properly.
So now I'm starting to get paranoid, her behavior is becoming stranger each day and she'll go 180 degrees from one day to the next. Nice one day and then stabbing at me the next. I'm worried now that she might try to damage some of my things, or take things she's not supposed to. I don't want to be helpful to her in any way - I'm trying to ignore her but she won't leave me alone. I intend to be professional and polite to her and that is all.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hi TD,
I take it she no longer has a key to the house? If she does perhaps having the locks changed would help protect your belongings. Is the online community business related to you? I should imagine that in America like in Britain that you can get restraint on her 'bad mouthing' you personally as it is defamation of character and may damage your business reputation thus damaging your income. This behaviour is sueable.
Other than this just keep ignoring her, her behaviour is being ignored and she seems to be going to extremes to get your reactions going.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
I take it she no longer has a key to the house? If she does perhaps having the locks changed would help protect your belongings. Is the online community business related to you? I should imagine that in America like in Britain that you can get restraint on her 'bad mouthing' you personally as it is defamation of character and may damage your business reputation thus damaging your income. This behaviour is sueable.
Other than this just keep ignoring her, her behaviour is being ignored and she seems to be going to extremes to get your reactions going.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
No words of wisdom.. but I do know what youare talking about. My STBX is always talking crappola to our mutal friends ... I try to blow it off but it hard sometimes... after awhile I will probably just find new friends so I do not have to listen to his nonsense
hang in there - you are doing great
hang in there - you are doing great
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
I think I would set up an appointment with her to come to the house to collect her things. I would also have at least one friend (witness) present. Suck it up and be as civil as possible until she clears out. Forget about the TV, it can be replaced -- your sanity, however, not so easily.
Your ending all communication with her is the root of this. She is trying to get back at you by making your life difficult. I agree that her interferring with your other online communications is just plain wrong. I think you should tell your attorney. You might also want to print out some of those posts so that you can prove her behavior, if you need to.
Your ending all communication with her is the root of this. She is trying to get back at you by making your life difficult. I agree that her interferring with your other online communications is just plain wrong. I think you should tell your attorney. You might also want to print out some of those posts so that you can prove her behavior, if you need to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Sorry to hear about all of this. You seem to be doing really well with it!
If you are worried about your things. Maybe you could document stuff and keep a list if something is damaged. Also, and not well publicized, you can call the police department and have them come to supervise (keep the peace) when she is moving things out. This would mean you would have to be at the house at the time she was there, but you couldn't be accused of anything if there is a cop watching. a friend of mine did this once before with a roomate.
Stay strong!
If you are worried about your things. Maybe you could document stuff and keep a list if something is damaged. Also, and not well publicized, you can call the police department and have them come to supervise (keep the peace) when she is moving things out. This would mean you would have to be at the house at the time she was there, but you couldn't be accused of anything if there is a cop watching. a friend of mine did this once before with a roomate.
Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
By not engaging with her, you are helping you. It's making her angry because she's use to pushing your buttons and you react in a predictable way.
It would be wise to protect yourself and your belongings though. Changing the locks as mentioned above would be a good idea. (I recently changed the locks on my house to keep my A son from getting in......just in case.) Arranging a specific time for her to pick up her belongings and having someone else there (witness as mentioned above) should keep the process civil.
hugs
It would be wise to protect yourself and your belongings though. Changing the locks as mentioned above would be a good idea. (I recently changed the locks on my house to keep my A son from getting in......just in case.) Arranging a specific time for her to pick up her belongings and having someone else there (witness as mentioned above) should keep the process civil.
hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Thanks All, great advice. I see I am making some progress as I implemented a lot of what was mentioned here.
Before I left for the office this morning I went through every room in the house and took a few pictures to show the condition of things, this afternoon I changed the locks - reprogrammed the garage doors and added additional locks. I sent her an email telling her I'd changed the locks so she could plan around it - I'm self-employed so I told her I'd make myself available anytime between 8AM and 10PM with a 2 hour notice.
I was just throwing a little humor in on the TV, I will miss it :-) but it's not a big deal...
One good thing, my attorney is a member of the message board where my wife flamed me - he was actually the first one to notice and sent me an email on it! Helps a lot that he is aware of my situation from more than just a professional angle.
I'm sure STBXAW will be M-A-D about the lock change. She's starting to spread lies about me.
In earlier posts and mentioned what a great person my wife was when she wasn't drinking, unfortunately that seems to be changing rapdily.
Before I left for the office this morning I went through every room in the house and took a few pictures to show the condition of things, this afternoon I changed the locks - reprogrammed the garage doors and added additional locks. I sent her an email telling her I'd changed the locks so she could plan around it - I'm self-employed so I told her I'd make myself available anytime between 8AM and 10PM with a 2 hour notice.
I was just throwing a little humor in on the TV, I will miss it :-) but it's not a big deal...
One good thing, my attorney is a member of the message board where my wife flamed me - he was actually the first one to notice and sent me an email on it! Helps a lot that he is aware of my situation from more than just a professional angle.
I'm sure STBXAW will be M-A-D about the lock change. She's starting to spread lies about me.
In earlier posts and mentioned what a great person my wife was when she wasn't drinking, unfortunately that seems to be changing rapdily.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Originally Posted by TDinATL 
In earlier posts and mentioned what a great person my wife was when she wasn't drinking, unfortunately that seems to be changing rapdily.
Sorry for what you are going through. Sounds like you are doing right by ignoring her craziness, keep strong! When they act like miserable you know whats, it really makes it that much easier for us to take action.....
Shivaya
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
TD you are still "dancing the dance."
You pack up her things and have them 'ready to go.' You give YOUR ATTORNEY a date and time she can pick them up. You let your attorney notifiy her and that if she cannot make that date and time she is to contact your attorney NOT YOU.
You give "x" number of days to get it, then move it into a storage unit, pay for one months storage, and give your attorney the key to 'transmit' to her.
Unless, of course, you want to continue with the abuse, the emails, the text messages, whether you read them or not.
Until this alkie knows you MEAN BUSINESS, she will continue to harass you anyway she can.
Your attorney will also need to communicate with her that if there is anything of hers that was accidentally missed she is to notify him not you.
The only thing we alkies understand while still using is a FIRM NO over and over and over.
Yes, it's hard, very hard, however, in the long run it will help you to get some peace, calmness and serenity in your life.
How are your Alanon meetings going?
Love and hugs,
You pack up her things and have them 'ready to go.' You give YOUR ATTORNEY a date and time she can pick them up. You let your attorney notifiy her and that if she cannot make that date and time she is to contact your attorney NOT YOU.
You give "x" number of days to get it, then move it into a storage unit, pay for one months storage, and give your attorney the key to 'transmit' to her.
Unless, of course, you want to continue with the abuse, the emails, the text messages, whether you read them or not.
Until this alkie knows you MEAN BUSINESS, she will continue to harass you anyway she can.
Your attorney will also need to communicate with her that if there is anything of hers that was accidentally missed she is to notify him not you.
The only thing we alkies understand while still using is a FIRM NO over and over and over.
Yes, it's hard, very hard, however, in the long run it will help you to get some peace, calmness and serenity in your life.
How are your Alanon meetings going?
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Laurie, glad you mentioned that. I intended to pack her things but was not sure if that would cause issues legally - I guess not, that's good.
STBXAW sent a few griping emails then sent one saying she'd be here to get all here things on Sunday. Looks like she did some checking and saw that I was A-OK in doing what I did.
However, she said she is bringing a sheriff's deputy with her. If anyone has read my story she is alleging that I assaulted her and claiming she fears for her safety. My version of the story says that after 10 years of her coming home drunk and getting in my face I got sick of it and pushed her down on her butt on the couch. I'm concerned with allegations she's making eventually getting me in trouble.
STBXAW sent a few griping emails then sent one saying she'd be here to get all here things on Sunday. Looks like she did some checking and saw that I was A-OK in doing what I did.
However, she said she is bringing a sheriff's deputy with her. If anyone has read my story she is alleging that I assaulted her and claiming she fears for her safety. My version of the story says that after 10 years of her coming home drunk and getting in my face I got sick of it and pushed her down on her butt on the couch. I'm concerned with allegations she's making eventually getting me in trouble.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
That's great, like Barbara said that protects you also, however it's still a good idea to have everything ready to go at the front door........................................keeps her from 'wandering' around and deciding oh I want this and this and this, etc.
And you can tell her right in front of the deputy, any further communications MUST go through my attorney. Gives you a witness that she has been notified of no further contact.
I doublt if she will abide by it, but that is something your attorney can then take care of.
TD I know this is hard. The grief many times is worse than if someone had died because the other person hasn't died, however, you can get through this.................with Alanon meetings, posting here, getting an Alanon sponsor that has been through it, etc.
There is light for you at the end of the tunnel and it's not a freight train coming at you, lol.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
And you can tell her right in front of the deputy, any further communications MUST go through my attorney. Gives you a witness that she has been notified of no further contact.
I doublt if she will abide by it, but that is something your attorney can then take care of.
TD I know this is hard. The grief many times is worse than if someone had died because the other person hasn't died, however, you can get through this.................with Alanon meetings, posting here, getting an Alanon sponsor that has been through it, etc.
There is light for you at the end of the tunnel and it's not a freight train coming at you, lol.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
It's good an officer will be there. I would suggest putting all of the things she wants to take in the garage or in one central location so she is not moving around the entire house. Any property issues are considered civil matters last time I checked and the officer won't get involved if she says "I want the waffle iron." He'll tell her it's a civil matter.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Very good guidance here TD. Believe me, the sheriff's deputy knows there are 2 sides to every story, especially when alcohol is involved. Surely you are not the first to go through this. They've seen it all before so Barbara52 is right, you are being protected as well.
You're doing well by making this happen on your terms b/c if you allowed things to happen on hers, they would change like the wind blows. All of her little daggers that she's throwing at you now are because she's in pain. She's a grown woman and although she's an alcoholic she's still responsible for her actions.
You hang in there and keep handling this with dignity. I'm proud of you.
You're doing well by making this happen on your terms b/c if you allowed things to happen on hers, they would change like the wind blows. All of her little daggers that she's throwing at you now are because she's in pain. She's a grown woman and although she's an alcoholic she's still responsible for her actions.
You hang in there and keep handling this with dignity. I'm proud of you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
