Pajarito

What I really need are hugs and to know I am not alone. I also need a little bit of a wake up call- and some of you are very good at being blunt. ( I mean that in a good way

I had a very bad day yesterday. My AH who I've been separated from for 6 months, who took off his ring 2 months ago, who has behaved like he's the great victim, who has had 2 emotional affairs in our 12 years of marriage, who acts as if he doesn't care we are getting a divorce, who told me if things don't work out with us he'll probably ask a woman out whom he works with, CAME OVER WITH HIS RING ON!!! WTF? I commented that I noticed he had his ring on- and asked why? He said it felt weird sometimes to not wear it and got teary-eyed. (Manipulation?) He then started to take it off, so I said I hadn't told him to take it off, I just wondered why he was wearing it. So he left it on.

He was picking up our daughter for the day, so I took our dog to walk on a trail close by and cried and cried. This little incident- a manipulation I am sure- threw off my whole day. He then had our daughter call me while out to say they wanted to come home and hang out. (Getting her in the middle just annoys me.) I got him on the phone and told him I needed to say no- that I need to have the time he is with her as my time to spend in the house. I have discussed this with him many times. The weekends he has her he can take her to his apt- or the library, shopping- whatever, but I need to have my "alone time". I cannot have them hanging out with me in the house like old times- and I am not going to leave to accommodate him. He has his apt he can go to whenever he wants, and I'm not bugging him calling, coming over. All I ask for is every other weekend 5-6 hours at a time when he can take her anywhere but hang out at our house. Yes- he still owns it with me, but is it too much to ask to have some time alone??? Boundaries? He kept her out, but I noticed when he dropped her off later that he was no longer wearing his ring.

Oh- and he wants me to hurry up with the divorce papers so he can have more money to work with to get a better apt. He called his current apt a "S-hole." (Which to me means he's let it go- like many things.)

Up and down, up and down. . . I know- I need to get off the roller coaster.

I had a girlfriend and kids over for dinner- and talked a little bit about my situation, but I felt so alone. I feel better coming here and knowing you are all going through some similar things- and I'm sorry. I don't wish alcoholism on anyone, but I am grateful to all of you for your stories and support. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I didn't get my hopes up when I saw him wearing his ring- just confused and sad. Somehow that stronger piece of me realized it meant nothing. And somehow that part of me will keep plodding on. <<<sigh>>>

Growing

(((Pajarito)))

I don't have any helpful words...I know others will be along shortly...Just thinking of you and wanted to tell you I agree with how you handled his phonecall.

Lilyflower

((((((Para))))))

It sounds perhaps he believed wearing the ring, having your daughter ask could dad come back to the house, would somehow wear you down so he could work his way back into your company. Why? God knows! He never managed to wear away your resolve and so we didn't find out.

Give yourself a big congratulations for not caving to him. You are right to protect your boundaries. IMO he should be trying to spend quality time with his daughter as he isn't spending time day to day with her right now, it seems that the parental responsibilities would not be focused on him if he was to be in the house with you.

Stand your ground
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CatsPajamas

((( pajarito)

Sorry, no slaps, just gentle hugs. It's good that you can have that time alone to take care of your own things,and your daughter deserves to get to know her father on their own terms.

The ring could have been a manipulation, or not. I learned awhile ago to stop trying to read other people's minds... most certainly that of an A who doesn't even know what HE is thinking himself. He's most likely conflicted... and rightly so. Alcoholism messes with people's minds AND their relationships.

Big hugs. NO slaps.

Hugs

denny57

I learned when I credited an active alcoholic with rational thinking I was insane myself.

Funny how I used to believe these were "love signals" LOL. Tormented souls, the ins and outs of it all. I don't want emotional children in my life any more.

My take is that it meant nothing and I'm sorry he is abusing your love for him.

LaTeeDa

I needed to read this today. Thank you.

L

LaTeeDa

No slapping here either. I think you did great. I know how hard it is to keep standing up for yourself and doing what you need to do, but it does get easier over time.

(((Pajarito)))

L

Pajarito

I needed to see this as well. My therapist has told me many times that I keep expecting rational behavior and thinking from someone who is sick. So why do I keep doing that? I get hooked in when he seems "normal." I just wish I could expend less energy on confrontations and more on me. It took all my energy yesterday.

Pajarito

I hope this is true. sometimes I worry this will never get easier. It's good to hear from those of you who are farther along that it does. It just feels very heavy right now.

LaTeeDa

Looking back over the past two years, I can clearly see a pattern. Whenever I was at my lowest--fear, frustration, anger, sadness, or whatever--was almost without fail the verge of a breakthrough. Another level, if you will, of self-discovery. It took a long time for me to recognize the pattern, but now I know that those times are just a precursor to something wonderful. I bet there is something good just around the corner.

L

carolineb

Paj~

The stance you took and the thoughts you are having mean that YOU ARE getting healthier.

I would like to officially tag a theme on to all alcoholic relationships. :wtf2

Sorry if anyone is offended....but seriously....that is the bottom line statement with dealing with alcoholics.

denny57

This is true for me, too. My therapist calls it "regression in service to the ego." Of course, I ran home and googled it LOL!

(((Paj))) I had many, many times, when I just could not wrap my head around the insanity. When I stopped trying, everything became clearer. Hang in there!

Chrysalis123

Paj, I'm sorry this has been so rough for you. We are in VERY similar situations and I have had recent experiences with my AH that have brought me down and I tell you what .... I am exhausted emotionally. I realize that I am about to have a huge emotional breakthrough in my recovery but would it please HURRY UP!

I don't have any words of wisdom but I can share my experiences...

My STBXAH tried the ring thing too. He had his off for years and after the discovery by me of his affair and blatant lying to my face, and after him having an affair instead of taking care of me after my surgery, and after him telling me he could not "thrive" in a relationship where he was not free to come and go as he please without concern for the kids and I, I snapped and hit my bottom. Then, when he realized he was about to loose something the wedding ring came back on. I saw it as a complete manipulation and it pissed me off....and was one more step in me seeing him for what he was/is versus what I wanted him to be.

My STBXAH is also really pushing the parenting plan boundaries too. All I want is a consideration for my time and a phone call if things change. He refuses to do this 90% of the time and there is always his excuse that has some grain of truth to it.

This is hard and :ghug3 to you. Be kind to yourself today.

Pajarito

Denny/LTD- I can see that you might be right- I might have not stood up for myself 6 months ago, or I might have fallen all over him when I saw he was wearing his ring again- but something inside told me it was screwed up. I do need to stop trying to understand him. My problem is sometimes he seems like the guy I used to know- where insanity was a now and then thing. Now it's progressed to an almost every time I talk to him thing- and it is exhausting- I guess it is if I let it be that. I have a big issue right now with wishing I could get emotional closure with him- having mostly to do with his emotional affairs and some really hurtful things he said. I KNOW I can't get the closure or understanding I need from him- yet when I talk to him- like I did yesterday- I am grasping/hoping he'll throw me a bone. And I get nothing. Maybe that's part of my "breakthrough." Realizing and actually finally ending my attempts to get anything emotionally from him. And believe me- I have read/lurked enough lately to know the big question is WHY do I need that from him? Yes- because we were married for 12 years, and it would be nice, but what does it say about ME??? (blah)

Pajarito

I KNOW what you mean! LOL!!!

Yes- same here. I need to develop some armor. . . Thanks for your reply- and you take care too.

Pajarito

:rof

(Where's the nose picking smiley when I need it?)

denny57

yep (blah) just about sums it up! :ghug2

DetachMe9

Hey there: What's with all the recent requests for slaps/kicks here this week (me included)? Maybe it's some post-Valentine's Day dissociation.....

The wedding-ring phenomenon has lived in my home too, Paj. For AH, taking it off was always a way of getting to me emotionally and he knew it. I hated when he did that, and for him it was a way of getting a "disconnect" so he could feel better about being unfaithful. I'm also with the others who posted about AH's not knowing what they want and having the ring come off/on as sort of a emotional thermometer for what they're feeling or thinking. Who knows really.

The most important (as always) thing is you, my dear. You didn't get sucked back into the vacuum of enabling and for that you win the prize for Best Detachment In A Leading Role. Imagine what you'd be posting today if you'd caved and the three of you were back to square-one together in the house, back to "normal"? Scary.

This part of the journey really is a slippery slope, moreso than I had expected. Way too much looking over my own shoulder, second-guessing, etc. See Chrysalis123 going through it too. For some ridiculous reason, I was worried last week about posting about my own "slippage" (pride probably) but I took the risk to post anyway. Came out WAY stronger because of it. Hope you are too today.

always, D9.

nowinsituation

Slippage, regression, whatever it is; it ain't fun. I've been in such a blue funk for the past couple of weeks or so. Not really missing "the old days" or wanting to go back with STBXAH. It just seems like the world is crashing in around me -- my job is a little unstable right now which doesn't help. I was stronger when I was "fighting" something. Now it feels like I am just going through the motions. I am waiting for that BIG breakthrough that is coming SOON!!!

PS -- How many of you that have separated/filed but not yet divorced are wearing your wedding rings? I took mine off about 2 weeks after moving out. I still panic when I go to fiddle with it and it's not there; thinking I have lost or misplaced it. I am so ready to move forward; I wish the rest of me would catch up.

Barbara52

I took mine off about 2 weeks after moving out. It still feels a little odd but I've taken to wearing a ring on the middle finger of that hand and it seems to be compensating for the feeling that something is missing.

Its been over 7 months now and the mark on my ring finger is almost gone (the danged thing was too tight). I sold it about a week ago. Boy did that feel good! Didn't get much but it was satisfying to get rid of it.