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Old 02-25-2008, 06:23 AM
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Wow


Am so overwhelmed to see the number of people who are dealing with similar issues. I am trying desperately to help myself and my children. My AH of 20+ years thinks he is "fine"... just smokes a "little weed" to help him relax. Has hidden this and lied about it over the years. Started drinking first... got in a boat load of trouble and then switched to weed. Somehow, that's "not as bad". Has really caused him to be unavailable emotionally. I didn't really know what I was dealing w/ and just thought he was moody. Honestly, didn't know he was using. Found out.. but stayed. Two kids. Not good for them to see. He thinks he's not doing anything wrong and that if he stops... says he will... again... that everything will be ok, because nothing is different in his personality when he uses, he has no problems, it's just that I don't like it. Does he really not see the way it causes him to behave?

I've been in counseling a couple times. Am in counseling now. Helping, but I can't seem to gather the strength to do what is right for me. Not sure why. BUT, by reading these posts, am beginning to think that I am not alone and that my reaction is pretty common. He is really laying the guilty on me thick. Says he has stopped and that he loves me. Trying to tell me that what I am doing is bad for the kids. We did go to marriage counseling, but he was unwilling to deal with his addiction and basically, the counselor told us there was not point in continuing. I continued my counseling, but of course, since he didn't have a problem and he could handle it himself... he didn't need to.

I really need support and to hear from others who are dealing with this. We have been together a long time. I have not shared with the issue is with my friends and family... so it hard to get the support I need from the. My kids think I am "evil and mean" to their Dad... they have not pieced together why I don't want to be involved and why Dad acts the way he does. I don't want to turn the kids against him... just want this chaos to stop!!!! Help me!
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Old 02-25-2008, 06:41 AM
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This website is fabulous, I have only been here a few days and already I feel stronger, and strong enough to do what I need to do. Your kids may think your "mean and evil" but will someday see that you were only tring to do whats best for them. People with addictions use the guilt very well. They know how to work things so it goes there way. You have to be strong and do whatever it is you choose to do but dont give in not even a little. It's hard, bt over time it does get easier. The addiction will always be more important. And he probably can't see the difference because to him he has no problem. Something I have learned recently is, we tend to be angry with the addict when they are under the unfluence, when really it's the sober person we should be angry with because they are the ones taking that first drink, or that first hit ot whatever you know. I would just focus on you and your children and show them how you really live, someday they will understand.
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:51 AM
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(((Imallright)))

Welcome. You're absolutely right, you are not alone and have plenty of good company to help you on you journey, whatever that may be. Keep on reading here, get some books (i.e. Codependent No More), post, continue your own counseling, think about finding an alanon or naranon group for face to face meetings, all these things will help.

I know well, the statement of "I can handle _____", it doesn't change me! I then started asking him why he was physiologically different than most every other human being on the planet that 4 strong alcoholic drinks didn't make him drunk, but anyone else is? Why would I try to have a rational conversation about this with an addict - or anyone else who would make this type of comment? I have no idea - what a mistake. My AH is swearing up and down to everyone he is not using - PLEASE. Besides what are now obvious signs to me, I've seen the invoices (mine has a pain-killer addiction and orders online for one or two of his sources). They are very very good at manipulation and lying!

You might be surprised at your children's reaction. As MrsFox said above - you might get "mean and evil" if it upsets them, but then again the they might be relieved that you are finally going to do something about it to help them. You just don't know, don't anticipate that they will or won't react badly, just focus on doing what you feel is best for you and them and just proceed. One step at a time, it doesn't all need to be decided or figured out right now! Be good to yourself!
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:59 AM
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I too have been seeing a therapist to help me disassociate my own well being from my AD's choices. I have found this board to be substantially better for me. Nothing like reading your own story or variations thereof, over and over, to know you are not alone.

The positive energy on this board is contagious.
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Old 02-25-2008, 08:25 AM
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There's something called the marijuana maintenance plan that alcoholics like myself have tried to kick the booze.

The logic (in my mind) is that pot isn't as harmful physically as alcohol. It doesn't cause all that liver damage and such, plus no hangovers.

In the end, for me, I wound up going back to alcohol. Pot was just a replacement drug that didn't solve anything for me. I still exhibited all the same addict behaviors and had all the same problems. It didn't solve anything. Though at the time I thought it was a solution.

The big downside to the grass is the potential legal consequences. Laws vary widely by state. In MN, it's no worse than a traffic ticket, $100 fine. You're not arrested unless you have a large quantity in your posession. Other states aren't so liberal.
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Old 02-25-2008, 09:53 AM
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Thank you all. In my head I know that I have to do what is right and healthy for me and for the kids. It is so hard when the AH says things like..."you knew what I was like when you married me. Now that I am stopping all of that (drinking, smoking, etc) you decide to leave". He also plays the guilt with the kids. I know that even if the kids don't know what AH is doing, they are impacted. They just don't know they are being impacted... never have experienced any different... I can't seem to find the courage to totally end it. I don't want to be with him any longer and I don't trust him. He has lied to me and disrespected me way too much. That all being said, I am here. WHY????
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Old 02-25-2008, 09:54 AM
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He seems to feel he needs some kind of mind-altering substance in order to feel good about his life. If it's not booze, it's pot. If it weren't pot, it might be something else.

That's his life, and his choice, not yours.

Your only choice --- as hard as it is --- is to decide whether you are happy living with someone who is so unhappy that he constantly has to change his brain chemistry in order to feel okay about life. If you do not respect or trust him, that's a huge warning sign that perhaps you are "settling" for this relationship because you are afraid of the alternative.

And of course there's the kids. Raising kids with a pothead is not something I would choose, but it's darned difficult to put your foot down and say, "We are NOT doing this any more." It took me a long time, because my fear was still more powerful than my revulsion. He was a habit. When I finally did separate myself, I found that I was so much happier being around people who didn't need drugs to feel good. We were together 7 years, not 20, but the habit we develop is the same......we have the break the habit in order to make the right choices.

Therapy helped me to separate myself and my fears from "his" behavior ---- I hope it will help you find a similar serenity. Welcome to SR. It's a great place.
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Old 02-25-2008, 10:43 AM
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Such a help

I don't really know what I am afraid of. I feel like I am fighting myself. I am intelligent and can support myself, so why do I even consider that I need to stay??? Habit is a good word for what I do. Thank you for listening and responding. I have been telling my therapist that I just need someone else who has been through this to talk with. I guess I found it today. I feel stronger right now than I did this morning! Guess I need to keep reaching out and soon I will be out in a new and beautiful world. I am peaceful when I am not in the chaos and guilt. I need to get there 24/7!!!!
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