Newbie with a quandry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4
Newbie with a quandry
Dan here, 98 days C & S.
Over the course of my recovery I have taken notice of my behavior moving from co-dependent with my 25 YO daughter in law (son is out there somewhere) to one of enabling. I have always had an abiding interest in her now 8 yo son, my grandson. They have lived with me more on than off over the past 7 years.
Her drinking has increased to at least every other day. It would seem she is making up for my sobriety. On these occasions my grandson is left in my care.
I am considering telling her she must leave my house. But I am very concerned for my grandson who will then have no buffer from her behavior.
My question is how do I withdraw my support of her habitual drinking without harming my grandson who I am very close with.
I am aware that she knows of my care for my grandson and uses that to her aid her ability to go out.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Over the course of my recovery I have taken notice of my behavior moving from co-dependent with my 25 YO daughter in law (son is out there somewhere) to one of enabling. I have always had an abiding interest in her now 8 yo son, my grandson. They have lived with me more on than off over the past 7 years.
Her drinking has increased to at least every other day. It would seem she is making up for my sobriety. On these occasions my grandson is left in my care.
I am considering telling her she must leave my house. But I am very concerned for my grandson who will then have no buffer from her behavior.
My question is how do I withdraw my support of her habitual drinking without harming my grandson who I am very close with.
I am aware that she knows of my care for my grandson and uses that to her aid her ability to go out.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello C_n_S,
Congrats on your being clean and sober!!!! Keep up the excellent work!
I really don't have any real answer to your problem. I am sure someone else will come along soon to give you good advice. I just thought that since you wish all the best for your grandson and he is such a big part of your life maybe you could get cusdody of him. That way you don't have to put up with her drinking and he would have a stable home. Even if it is temporary. I don't know if this would work for you or what your legal rights are. Maybe then she will see what she is doing and seek help. Just a suggestion!
Good luck,
matters
Congrats on your being clean and sober!!!! Keep up the excellent work!
I really don't have any real answer to your problem. I am sure someone else will come along soon to give you good advice. I just thought that since you wish all the best for your grandson and he is such a big part of your life maybe you could get cusdody of him. That way you don't have to put up with her drinking and he would have a stable home. Even if it is temporary. I don't know if this would work for you or what your legal rights are. Maybe then she will see what she is doing and seek help. Just a suggestion!
Good luck,
matters
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Hinsdale, Illinois
Posts: 19
grandson needs a priority
Sounds like a tough situation for you to be in, and I don't have an answer for it -- just some thoughts.
I do think that keeping in mind what is best for the child is the guidepost for what you need to do. Giving that child a stable home and a loving, sane grandparent who is stepping up to the plate when the parents have bailed is noble. Not easy though, and I commend you, and am praying that you find the answers you need.
hugs,
candlelight
I do think that keeping in mind what is best for the child is the guidepost for what you need to do. Giving that child a stable home and a loving, sane grandparent who is stepping up to the plate when the parents have bailed is noble. Not easy though, and I commend you, and am praying that you find the answers you need.
hugs,
candlelight
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
This is a tough one-
but youhave alredy admited to being an enabler.
You do not have to watch the grandson while she goes out, that is her responsibility.
You can continue to love and support your grandson without
giving mommy free rein or she may not seek recovery, sounds like she may have things too good and she knows it.
Congrats on your own recovery !! I know many people in the dual program of AA and alanon, have you tried a meeting ?
Best to you
liddy
but youhave alredy admited to being an enabler.
You do not have to watch the grandson while she goes out, that is her responsibility.
You can continue to love and support your grandson without
giving mommy free rein or she may not seek recovery, sounds like she may have things too good and she knows it.
Congrats on your own recovery !! I know many people in the dual program of AA and alanon, have you tried a meeting ?
Best to you
liddy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dan
Congratulations on the 98 days!!!!
If asking her to leave is not an option for you right now, what about you getting very very busy for the next while. Go to meetings every night and just make healthy plans that will mean you are not available to babysit while she goes out.
It seems to me that you are providing a good home for these two and that should be enough. You don't have to be taken advantage of and it seems to me that she has control of the whole house and everyone in it right now. Not good.
Yup - meetings every night, coffee with a friend, visit the library, go to a movie, anything healthy that will have your time already committed. That's my answer and I'm stickin' to it
Congratulations on the 98 days!!!!
If asking her to leave is not an option for you right now, what about you getting very very busy for the next while. Go to meetings every night and just make healthy plans that will mean you are not available to babysit while she goes out.
It seems to me that you are providing a good home for these two and that should be enough. You don't have to be taken advantage of and it seems to me that she has control of the whole house and everyone in it right now. Not good.
Yup - meetings every night, coffee with a friend, visit the library, go to a movie, anything healthy that will have your time already committed. That's my answer and I'm stickin' to it
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