I did it......and I am OK!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
I did it......and I am OK!
I am sure some of you have read my prior posts and a bit about my history with my AH. It is, of course, very similar to most everyone else here. It has been a while since I posted for myself and it always feels so liberating to just "give it away" so to speak....so here goes!!
I have been married to my AH for 12 years...and have 3 beautiful children with him. He was an alcoholic when I met him although at the time I really didn't recognize the signs. Over the years his alcoholism worsened and at times he has been very verbally abusive and manipulative (among other things). I kept these things to myself for the better part of 12 years until the first week of December of 2007 when I finally spoke to my family and a few close friends. In the period of 12 years I was able to create enough detachment to get by day to day without feeling like everything was falling apart around me. I am sure you all recognize this since this is what we do to keep from losing our minds! My AH quit drinking the very day I made others aware and with the threat of leaving him forever. He has now been sober for about 10 weeks and making great changes in himself as a man and father, but will not consider working a program. This is his decision and I have stepped away.
I moved out with the kids in mid January and am making my own personal progress daily. I have moments like D9 and wants out have just recently posted and I think I remember things in some fantasy world...but when I really think about it... I KNOW the truth. Why else would I cry at night and beg for the strength to leave this madness? It wasn't because it was dreamy...it was because I was miserable...to my very soul. Does this make him a terrible person with no consideration for me, the kids, or others? No...it doesn't as I have realized, but it DOES mean that I can never live that kind of life again. So....
I told him I was going through with a divorce today. That I appreciate the the changes he has made as a parent and as an adult and I applaud the strength he is exhibiting but I cannot live my life worried over his sobriety. I have my own life to live now! I feel strong....and scared of course....but mostly strong, alive, and FREE of alcoholism. I know I will have some tough days and I am prepared...but today I am ok...
Biggest hugs to you all for your continued support and your constant source of inspiration!
g
I have been married to my AH for 12 years...and have 3 beautiful children with him. He was an alcoholic when I met him although at the time I really didn't recognize the signs. Over the years his alcoholism worsened and at times he has been very verbally abusive and manipulative (among other things). I kept these things to myself for the better part of 12 years until the first week of December of 2007 when I finally spoke to my family and a few close friends. In the period of 12 years I was able to create enough detachment to get by day to day without feeling like everything was falling apart around me. I am sure you all recognize this since this is what we do to keep from losing our minds! My AH quit drinking the very day I made others aware and with the threat of leaving him forever. He has now been sober for about 10 weeks and making great changes in himself as a man and father, but will not consider working a program. This is his decision and I have stepped away.
I moved out with the kids in mid January and am making my own personal progress daily. I have moments like D9 and wants out have just recently posted and I think I remember things in some fantasy world...but when I really think about it... I KNOW the truth. Why else would I cry at night and beg for the strength to leave this madness? It wasn't because it was dreamy...it was because I was miserable...to my very soul. Does this make him a terrible person with no consideration for me, the kids, or others? No...it doesn't as I have realized, but it DOES mean that I can never live that kind of life again. So....
I told him I was going through with a divorce today. That I appreciate the the changes he has made as a parent and as an adult and I applaud the strength he is exhibiting but I cannot live my life worried over his sobriety. I have my own life to live now! I feel strong....and scared of course....but mostly strong, alive, and FREE of alcoholism. I know I will have some tough days and I am prepared...but today I am ok...
Biggest hugs to you all for your continued support and your constant source of inspiration!
g
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
It is so liberating to let go of your resentment. I've read that it's actually a gift you give yourself. I think I can feel that happening for me. Sounds like you have it nailed. Way to go!
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Yes, rememering in a fantasy world - it's easy to do. It's easy to remember snuggling on the couch, but easy to forget him passed out on the couch. It's easy to remember the Caribbean vacations, but easy to forget him passed out in the room while I wandered the beach alone.
You know what's right for you and, despite the painful parts, you will get to your freedom place.
You know what's right for you and, despite the painful parts, you will get to your freedom place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
Good for you!! Even if he WAS working a program....the possibility of relapse is never certain.
The fact that he's NOT working a program....means it's just a matter of time.
You have incredible strength and are to be applauded. God doesn't bring us to it, unless HE can bring us through it.
The fact that he's NOT working a program....means it's just a matter of time.
You have incredible strength and are to be applauded. God doesn't bring us to it, unless HE can bring us through it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
OMG, g! I was telling Pajarito in her post earlier today that she should win the prize for Best Detachment In A Leading Role, but it's clearly a tie.
What you did was superhuman and totally brave, especially with your 3 kids and all 12 years of those (fantasy-drenched) memories to boot. Amazing.
The actual decision to divorce is huge, and your justification is all there. I'm sure your AH isn't taking it well, but hopefully you're getting some back-up from the fam. I gave my 13 y/o (step)son some information the other day about AlaTeen, and he soaked it right up. Hope your kids will too at some point. All the years of denial can make them a little crazy too, in their own ways.
Take care, and post often. There seems to be several of us on the board who are "in the process" right now, so you are far from alone.
What you did was superhuman and totally brave, especially with your 3 kids and all 12 years of those (fantasy-drenched) memories to boot. Amazing.
The actual decision to divorce is huge, and your justification is all there. I'm sure your AH isn't taking it well, but hopefully you're getting some back-up from the fam. I gave my 13 y/o (step)son some information the other day about AlaTeen, and he soaked it right up. Hope your kids will too at some point. All the years of denial can make them a little crazy too, in their own ways.
Take care, and post often. There seems to be several of us on the board who are "in the process" right now, so you are far from alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Wow, you sound like one strong lady! Good for you for staying focused on what is best for you all, for acknowledging the progress your AH has made, and remaining strong in your decision.
Thank you for sharing your progess!
Shivaya
Thank you for sharing your progess!
Shivaya
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think I remember things in some fantasy world...but when I really think about it... I KNOW the truth. Why else would I cry at night and beg for the strength to leave this madness? It wasn't because it was dreamy...it was because I was miserable...to my very soul.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
Reading all of your posts and actually feeling your praise and inspiration has to be one of the MOST exhilerating feelings in the world. You are all so remarkable and it gives me such pleasure to call you my friends! I say this from the bottom of my heart...and I owe you all so much for giving me the inspiration to make decisions that are not easy but that have the potential to make me the happiest person in my world!
I cannot express my depth of gratitute....so many hugs!
g
I cannot express my depth of gratitute....so many hugs!
g
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by DetachMe9 
OMG, g! I was telling Pajarito in her post earlier today that she should win the prize for Best Detachment In A Leading Role, but it's clearly a tie.
G- I am overwhelmed by your strength. I am one of those in the same boat- going through the process. It is not easy to make the decision you made. I also kept going into my fantasy world- who I thought my AH was. I started to notice that I kept going back to who he was over 10 years ago! WHAT does that tell me??? We've also been married 12 years- a long time to keep accommodating, adjusting and struggling to figure out how to live with someone who has very different ideas from me about how he wants to live his life. Well, now he can be free to live his life the way he wants, and I will live mine the way I've wanted to for a very long time. It's scary, but I know we can do it. (((Hugs to you!))) I am inspired!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 35
You have done the absolute best thing you could have for yourself and your kids. I envy you and wish I could have been that strong 15 years ago. Instead I lived on the fantasies in my mind of what I pretended it was, and waited for the kids to grow up. Now I have a 21 yr old that won't speak to me because of what she thinks I did to her dad. Nevermind what he did to us all those years. I am the bad guy.............But life is looking up as best as can be expected I guess. I'm still very up & down, but life overall is much better without the alcohol and the alcoholic. Now I just have to work on my co-dependency I pickedup after all those years..............
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