SpaceDementia

Yesterday was 1 week without taking any methadone. The withdrawals were making it difficult at first but by day 4 the Subutex started helping those terrible symptoms. My illicit source of methadone that had been cut off called me yesterday to say the she had some for me. Like a complete ******, I drove over to her house and bought some. At least a part of my brain was trying to stay sober as I only bought enough for a single dose. She gave me a kiss and then I went searching for this book that I wanted to read. I found it at used a used bookstore and then I scurried home. I set the methadone on the table and just looked at it. I evaluated how I was feeling as far as the withdrawals were going and realized that aside from the hot/cold flashes and runny nose I was doing great in comparison to a few days earlier. But that's never enough, is it? I was coming up with some half-assed plan to keep the methadone near me and not consume it to prove to myself that I had the will power to abstain. I read for 30 minutes and then my week long sleep debt finally caught up with me. I slept soundly for most of the day before waking up at 9 pm. At 11 I took the methadone. I didn't even think about it. It was completely and utterly an impulsive decision. So much for my will power plan. I stayed up until 4 am doing absolutely nothing productive. I didn't even care for the effects from the methadone. It didn't do much.
So, today my heart is pounding, my is mind racing, and my anxiety level has sky rocketed. I am so disappointed with myself. I've spent this morning researching the pharmocokinetics of methadone, primarily trying to figure out how much methadone is in my bloodstream, how long it'll be there and how this will impact my overall withdrawal time. If I could effectively kick myself in the nuts I would.
I just had to get that out,
Thanks

adore79

I am sorry to hear that, that sucks. Well, quitting takes practice at least for me it does. Try try again as they say!

GreenTea

Welcome back, SD!!! ... That you're back and safe is the important thing...

Notice something, though... *Who* made the choices yesterday? ... You, or the meth?

It sounds to me like it was the meth... So now you've spent some money that you really didn't want to spend... You've wasted some time that you really didn't want to waste... You have some residual physical and mental issues to deal with that you really didn't want to have... You have a whole lot of bad emotions about yourself that you now have to deal with, and which you didn't want to have to deal with again... And you didn't even get the buzz that it "promised" you'd get...

That meth sounds like a pretty bad enemy to me...

If this were a person standing in front of you instead of some "impersonal drug", would you be able to recognize the abusiveness of the relationship? ... You were *used*, man... It wants to use you again... and again... and again until you are completely destroyed.

Don't let it... Hang up on it when it calls... Erase the voicemails it leaves... Write a letter telling it to f#ck off and leave you alone... Tell it to find some other poor sap who likes to be abused... Tell it that YOU have moved on and don't want to so much as hear from it ever again, not even if it wants to say its "sorry"...

The meth only wants to abuse you... Don't let it.

I'm glad you're back! ... You are not alone!

SpaceDementia

If methadone were a person it would have been at the Nuremberg trials and sentenced to death. The Nazis discovered methadone to combat a shortage of morphine during the end of WWII. If methadone was still a war criminal on the loose today I'd be a Nazi hunter hot on its trail. Getting off methadone is 100 times harder than getting off the opiates that you were addicted to in the first place. Starting the Methadone Maintenance Program was yet another incredibly poor decision made during my life.

Anna

So, you can move forward and learn from this.

Change your phone number or block her calls. Do whatever you need to do to stay sober.

And, we have all made incredibly poor decisions as addicts, but as the brilliant Maya Angelou said "I did then, what I knew how to do. When I knew better, I did better".

KERRYZZME

WOW, That sound almost like the same thing I have done time and time again. And the worst part is that I did not even like the drug or the high feeling I got and just wished it never happened the moment I did it and felt so bad and mad at my self all at the same time. I really think I relate. But please DO NOT beat yourself up for it. The book talks about insanity. Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That is what we do.
The important part is that you are still here and you keep trying. Please do not give up.
God already has forgiven you and so do we. Now give yourself a break and forgive your self, turn it over to god how powerless you really are and try again. We really only have today, So I need to remember just for today. Maybe that can help you too.
I think it is how most of us survive this disease.

JUST TODAY... I will not pick up a drink or use any drugs...at all.

Jersey Nonny

I'm sorry you gave in to your addiction; but, let's be honest here, OK!?! You accepted her call, drove over to her house, bought the meth, stared at it for a while, finally did what you had intended to do! This wasn't exactly a completely and utterly impulsive decision...it took a lot of preparation before you gave in to the drug! It should have been the meth that went "down the drain" instead of your one week.

But, it is what it is! Now...you know what to do to prevent a recurrence!!! BTW...had you been to any AA/NA meetings during the week you were clean? Might be a good source of support to look into for future prevention.

SpaceDementia

Yeah, you're right. I guess I was just trying to make it sound more poetic and not the simple fact that I sought drugs, I bought drugs, I used drugs.
No, I don't go to NA. I was forced to go when I was younger but it gave me the exact feeling I got from the two times that I have ever gone to church: freaked me out and gave me an incredible sense of being surrounded by evil.
I don't have much in the way of support. Nothing at all actually except for this site. I'll be fine though. I'm relatively confident that I'll get this over with one way or another.

Jersey Nonny

OK...I can understand your reluctance. But, being forced when you were younger, and going as an addicted adult making adult decisions for a program of recovery and a network of support that may very well save your life...seems to me to be very, very different!

Just keep it open as a viable option...OK?

SpaceDementia

I realize NA is a viable option for most but I prefer to fight this battle on my own. I feel uncomfortable asking for help but even more I want this experience to make me stronger. I want to look back and I say, "Yes. I conquered my addiction. I experienced the withdrawal and it was horrible. I wanted to end my life but I didn't. I am such a strong person for doing this."

GreenTea

Good heavens! WHY????

Ah! ... Ego...


Alone it will destroy you, SD, just as surely as a baby left naked out in the rain...

But the baby cries, and it screams, and it asks for help, and someone comes and provides it warmth and shelter and helps it until its grown and is strong enough to stand in the rain alone and without fear.

And then someday that person... maybe... will find a baby crying in the rain...

nogard

I did it on my own for 20 yers and was completely insane was horrible to be around but in worldy terms was successful.

I was unhappy and one day I picked up and another 11 years passed.

Not using has nothing to do with strength and will power, I have no power over drugs.

The strength and warmth of being in recovery with other adfdicts is as amazing and saves my life.

"...one addict helping another is without parallel..."

Kevin
PS Welcome back

SpaceDementia

I work better by myself. I don't like having to depend on others as they ALWAYS let me down. I don't speak to my family. Endless reasons to do this on my own. I used to see an addiction counselor, a psychiatrist, or psychologist when I was a teenager but I found them to be useless. They just wanted me to replace the drugs that I was taking with the drugs that they'd prescribe. I majored in psychiatry at university until I dropped out. Those text books helped me understand what problems I had or didn't. I have many questions that I need help with. I'm seeking many answers but I know a mental health professional doesn't have the answers I need. Questions of the spiritual and metaphysical variety. Hey, I'm using this site to post stuff so i'm not completely alone.
Greentea, I wasn't trying to be egotistical. The "I will be strong blah, blah, blah" is a future retrospective statement that I hope to make to myself. I don't think that's an oxymoron....
I appreciate your posts by the way.
Thanks

nogard

So whats the plan?

What happened last time that will be different this time?

How will you do this?

SpaceDementia

The grand master-plan is as follows:
I took redundant measures today that prevent me from getting any methadone. I am taking Subutex of which I have a finite supply and definitely can't get anymore. Fortunately the Subutex doesn't produce the slightest bit of euphori, it only releaves some of the withdrawal. I already have the remaining tablets divided up into an eight day tapering schedule. I shall go to work in the morning, come home in the afternoon, and post on this forum any misgivings I may have concerning how I am feeling at that moment. Continue the PM conversations that i've been having with a few people on here.
I'm forcing myself to drink 3 liters of water a day, cut back on my sugar intake, eliminate red meat from my diet, and take various vitamins to improve my physical health. Take, at the very least, a 30 minute walk everyday. I've printed up the words "Preserver", "No", "Go Write", and "You're Strong" and taped them everywhere around my place. After the Subutex runs out I will reevaluate how I feel as far as the withdrawals go and if necessary, augment my plan. I'm unsure of the severity of the withdrawal that I will experience from the Subutex so I have that to look forward to. Even though today is day one all over again, I feel better now than I did this morning.
As a last resort, should things become a bit much, I have a former coworker buddy of mine who's mother is a psychologist. I've seen her before and I like her. I can always give her a call.
I guess that's it.

nogard

Thats a plan, I wish you well and offer you my support.

Kevin

SpaceDementia

Why thank you Kevin.

warrens

Friend SD

Gotta side with the crowd on this one. Your last note reminds me very much of the 20 something bravado of one warrens. Self contained, smart, tough as nails.

If I lived in a city, I would avail myself to every resource imaginable. You paint people with a very wide brush, bro. Experiences teaches different.

You risk nothing and have everything to gain. Sounds like you have an intact bullsh*t detector. Just because you try it doesn't mean you have to buy it. You still have free will. Or do you?

The right sponsor, therapist, mentor, can make a huge difference. Sounds like you could be one some day. I used to work with street gang members in Chicago. The ones still alive are sitting on the corner with a paper bag and a bottle.

BTW, there is no undergraduate major in psychiatry. One must first become an MD, do a residence in psychiatry, and then earn a PhD in psychiatry. Watch the bravado and ego, it's not conducive to healing.

Friend warrens

warrens

SD

I wrote before I saw your plan. Don't have a clue about the meds, but it sounds like a coherent approach.

Good luck with it. I'll be following your progress.

warrens

SpaceDementia

Let me rephrase that, majored in psychology. Med school was/is not for me. And why do people keep mentioning my ego? I'm not trying to be a schmuck, I'm just trying to instill confidence. Yes warrens, my ******** detector is on and hasn't given me any beeps today you donkey you.
I will be sending you long rambling PMs for next few days so be prepared for some mighty exciting reading.
And warren, thank you.