Gray Sunday
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Gray Sunday
So, here it is! Dreaded day four. Every time I've detoxed from alcohol, withdrawal hit in earnest exactly 96 hours after my last drink. Like clockwork, harking back to my binge drinking with buddies right after I'd finished school: I'd get absolutely plastered Saturday nights, sleep throughout Sunday, then be fine until Wednesday rolled by. My father used to comment on how "gray" and "under the weather" I seemed midweek, so I started calling it my Gray Wednesdays. I didn't even make the connection between my drinking behaviour and Wednesdays for years. When I did join the dots, I started timing my drinking to avoid this point of withdrawal. It did seem to get increasingly bad throughout the years.
This time around it's a Gray Sunday, and it doesn't just involve looking pasty. There's nausea, unbearable fatigue and insomnia and a *terrible* brainfog, among other niceties. I've been in contact with my pdoc and Ativan is helping a lot with anxiety issues - but definitely not helping me sleep. I literally look and feel like nuked death heated over. Not making much sense either I'm afraid. I also wouldn't be surprised if this one didn't limit itself to just one day at this point.
Oh well, looking on the bright side, once it's over I'll probably sleep really well. Feel a bit better. And... no more Gray Wednesdays for me!
Matt guess I'll crawl into bed and pray for this to end
This time around it's a Gray Sunday, and it doesn't just involve looking pasty. There's nausea, unbearable fatigue and insomnia and a *terrible* brainfog, among other niceties. I've been in contact with my pdoc and Ativan is helping a lot with anxiety issues - but definitely not helping me sleep. I literally look and feel like nuked death heated over. Not making much sense either I'm afraid. I also wouldn't be surprised if this one didn't limit itself to just one day at this point.
Oh well, looking on the bright side, once it's over I'll probably sleep really well. Feel a bit better. And... no more Gray Wednesdays for me!
Matt
guess I'll crawl into bed and pray for this to end
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 100
Hi, you are doing really well. Just think Grey Weds will be followed by better days (was gonna say Sunny saturday or something equally cheesy....ooops just did!
)
Good luck, keep going. I am back to day 2, don't get such bad withdrawal symptoms but hoping to see a few better days myself.
)Good luck, keep going. I am back to day 2, don't get such bad withdrawal symptoms but hoping to see a few better days myself.
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
that sounds menacing. when i was faced with the situation of being deathly hungover, I just continued to drink & because this was everyday, a terrible pattern developed. I was drunk all the time. party hard-pay hard. pay the day after or don't ever stop & pay in the long run like me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Great job, Matt. The "dread" of day for should be accompanied by an equal amount of joy and "inner sunshine." Look at what you've done!
My short recovery is accompanied by the knowledge that there will be "gray days" while sober. A different kind, and not accompanied by the crushing physical symptoms, but days of melancholy, grief, loss, etc. Such is our lot in life as human beings.
I just need to play a different tape when that happens. If I could have one or two beers, it mght actually take the edge off of such days. But I know, in ABSOLUTE certainty, that it will turn into 4-5 beers and result in not a gray day, but an horrific day.
One of the huge problems with alcohol, I think, is that it works so well. Early on. With "normal" people. Go to a pub, watch the once/week drinkers, giddy with laughter after 2 drinks. They are having a good time! It's doing them GOOD.
We've all experienced that euphoria. Problem is, the brain remembers, I think, and we try to replicate it. When it doesn't happen, our brains say, "Perhaps a little more will do the trick." The normal person will simply stop.
When I look back, I never drank to intentionally trash myself. I simply wanted to feel as I "deserved" to feel. Good. I worked myself ragged, put 3 kids through college, helped others. Didn't I deserve to feel good?
Again, when I look back, I realize that alcohol produced that euphoria, or a "positive" effect maybe once/year, if that. No amount of chasing seemed to recapture that feeling. Instead of euphoria, it produced impairment. And not just when I was buzzed. It impaired me all day, every day. Fatigue, disinterest, anxiety, depression, yadda, yadda.
Part of my recovery must be a constant, constant awareness that that can or bottle does not contain what it does for normal people. No giddiness, no euphoria. It is liquid Ipecac to me. Would you drink Ipecac if it got you buzzed? I hope not. Neither would normal people. Can you imagine the local pub on Saturday night with people having a good time while puking their guts out?
Along with accepting that "the dream is over," I am working on developing vivid and permanent internal visualizations. Reprogramming my brain to associate alcohol with poison. Arsenic, antifreeze; would I drink that? Ever seen a dog die of anitfreeze poisoning? I read it tastes pretty good.
So be it. Some folks are allergic to peanuts. I love peanuts. But just a trace will send them into anaphylactic shock. I have a different allergy. So, when I pass the beer cooler, or see the ads, I imagine that it is tantamount to antifreeze to me. I chose that analogy because of the sure death consequences and also the frequent joking reference to alcohol as "Hey it's cold, let's get a little anitfreeze!"
I don't know if any of this helps you, Matt. It sure has helped me. Articulating my disease helps me cope and understand.
warrens
My short recovery is accompanied by the knowledge that there will be "gray days" while sober. A different kind, and not accompanied by the crushing physical symptoms, but days of melancholy, grief, loss, etc. Such is our lot in life as human beings.
I just need to play a different tape when that happens. If I could have one or two beers, it mght actually take the edge off of such days. But I know, in ABSOLUTE certainty, that it will turn into 4-5 beers and result in not a gray day, but an horrific day.
One of the huge problems with alcohol, I think, is that it works so well. Early on. With "normal" people. Go to a pub, watch the once/week drinkers, giddy with laughter after 2 drinks. They are having a good time! It's doing them GOOD.
We've all experienced that euphoria. Problem is, the brain remembers, I think, and we try to replicate it. When it doesn't happen, our brains say, "Perhaps a little more will do the trick." The normal person will simply stop.
When I look back, I never drank to intentionally trash myself. I simply wanted to feel as I "deserved" to feel. Good. I worked myself ragged, put 3 kids through college, helped others. Didn't I deserve to feel good?
Again, when I look back, I realize that alcohol produced that euphoria, or a "positive" effect maybe once/year, if that. No amount of chasing seemed to recapture that feeling. Instead of euphoria, it produced impairment. And not just when I was buzzed. It impaired me all day, every day. Fatigue, disinterest, anxiety, depression, yadda, yadda.
Part of my recovery must be a constant, constant awareness that that can or bottle does not contain what it does for normal people. No giddiness, no euphoria. It is liquid Ipecac to me. Would you drink Ipecac if it got you buzzed? I hope not. Neither would normal people. Can you imagine the local pub on Saturday night with people having a good time while puking their guts out?
Along with accepting that "the dream is over," I am working on developing vivid and permanent internal visualizations. Reprogramming my brain to associate alcohol with poison. Arsenic, antifreeze; would I drink that? Ever seen a dog die of anitfreeze poisoning? I read it tastes pretty good.
So be it. Some folks are allergic to peanuts. I love peanuts. But just a trace will send them into anaphylactic shock. I have a different allergy. So, when I pass the beer cooler, or see the ads, I imagine that it is tantamount to antifreeze to me. I chose that analogy because of the sure death consequences and also the frequent joking reference to alcohol as "Hey it's cold, let's get a little anitfreeze!"
I don't know if any of this helps you, Matt. It sure has helped me. Articulating my disease helps me cope and understand.
warrens
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Thanks everyone, don't think I'd be making it without your support. Actually managed to get some (restless) sleep. Now feeling like a truck ran over me, extremely fuzzy. But I'll quit whining, I'm thankful for this.
M
M
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