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I love my boyfriend - I think

Old 02-23-2008, 08:59 PM
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I love my boyfriend - I think

Sorry if this is posted twice, I checked and it doesn't seem so, but I had trouble the first time I clicked the post button.

I come to this board because of a problem that someone very close to me has - my boyfriend, who I have been with for about a year and a half, is a cocaine and marijuana user, and i am having an extremely difficult time living with it.

Where do I start? I feel as if I should post the situation as it stands in its entirety, but the issue is so ingrained into my everyday life, that I cannot sort out the pieces very easily.

When i met my bf he used drugs, and I did as well. I had just come out of a 4 year relationship that wasn't very emotionally stable. I used "k", a tranquilizer more generally used for large animals. My bf got me into using cocaine. I stopped using all forms of drugs, including cocaine, and I only drink lightly, on occasion. My experience with cocaine really affected me... I once had a binge that lasted over 24 hrs, and ended with me having to fess up to my bf that I had stolen 100 dollars from him to keep feeding my binge, extreme sinus pain for months, and an extreme depression that has lasted to this very moment. I always felt depressed after using coke, and the best explanation i can come up with is my deep-set feeling of self and self-worth, that i desperately want to preserve. Simply, I feel worthless when I do drugs, and when the high wears off, the worthlessness only intensifies. This is what caused me to quit drugs.

I asked my bf to quit drugs too. Infact, we had a roaring argument about it. I just can't stand to see him in situations that i find disgusting, degrading, and immoral. I see him differently than I used to, to me he is now a disgusting "druggie", someone who is worthless and unattractive, and it hurts me so badly. I think about his habits - cocaine, cigarettes, pot - and how they are only keeping us in an impoverished hole. We'll never retire, we'll never take a vacation, we're just rats living in a drug-ridden maze, looking for the next hit, and the next bundle of cash to keep us afloat.

My bf refuses to quit doing drugs. At first, he agreed, only to make me leave him alone. Then, he started to take any hit of cocaine that his friends would offer, with the reasoning that he just wouldn't buy it anymore. Then, he started buying it again. I brought it up the next morning, and he seems to have forgotten all his promises to me, that he wouldn't do it anymore, or at least (though it offers little comfort) not buy it anymore. He honestly has forgotten about saying these things!!!! I actually was so upset that i presented the ultimatum that i thought could turn it around - I told him that it had come down to me feeling like I just had to leave. Leave him, leave our apartment, just pack my things and never speak to him again.

Of course, I didn't do it, as I wouldn't be here talking about it.

I think about leaving him often, as I have come to realize, after the endless fights, that he will never change. He is too defensive, he is too set in his ways. He doesn't care enough about us, or even just me. Or himself. His excuses are endless: he did drugs when i met him. I did drugs when he met me. This is what he always did with his friends. he feels I am basically asking him to never see his friends again (all cocaine users). he only does it on occasion (I'd call it often and regularily, though not frequent or everyday, though the pot is EVERYDAY). Basically, he has no respect for my position, no respect for changing circumstance, and no respect for my mental, physical or emotional well-being. It took months of arguing just to get him to smoke cigarettes outside, and he still smokes inside if I'm not in the room. He smokes pot around me, often blowing it in my face accidentally. And the most damaging - when he uses cocaine around me, it makes me physically crave it. It causes such torment between caring about him, and caring about myself. It makes me feel bad about my life and myself.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I want to leave, but I feel like i can't. you know? We have mutual possessions. Mutual pets. Mutual LIVES. We sleep snuggled up. When we're in bed, I pretend he's not the person he is, and that everything is ok. There is no sex life to speak of. The saddest part of all? He actually makes me believe that I am over reacting. That the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are irrational over-reactions on my part, and that what he does is perfectly acceptable. And... I still don't know if he's right or not. I feel like I'm living in a surreal dream-world. I don't feel real. I feel as if I float through life, hopeless and desperate for change - and yet, i am powerless. I love my boyfriend - I think. The truth is, I don't know anymore, it is too hard to feel such an emotion, when it feels like my soul is being ripped out on a daily basis.

Please, someone out there - tell me I'm not alone. Tell me it's not acceptable to act the way that he has. Tell me I'm not a crazy person.
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Old 02-23-2008, 09:15 PM
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You are not crazy. Your boyfriend is a drug addict--plain and simple. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change him. If he is to change--he must decide he wants to stop using for himself. You already mentioned that he has stated that he doesn't want to stop doing drugs. You have to make a decision--you have to take care of you. You mention that you both were using drugs together from the start of the relationship--he hasn't changed, only you have. You are trying to better yourself and focus on recovery--which is a good thing. I know it is a tough situation, but you don't seem to be happy with how the relationship is right now. It will not change for the better as long as he is actively using. Also, you are putting yourself at risk to get sucked back into that lifestyle--and start back to using yourself. Take care of you--sweetheart, first and foremost. If he had to pick between you and his drug of choice--which one do you think he would pick? (I'll let you think it over). :codiepolice
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Old 02-23-2008, 09:17 PM
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Welcome to the SR forums Warholian. It's great you have come looking for help...it's a hard issue to handle alone.

There is a "Friends and Family" section a little further down on the main forum page. You will meet a lot of people there who share the same problems, frustrations, and fears. Check it out.
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Old 02-23-2008, 09:20 PM
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Your not alone and your not a crazy person.
I see two solutions right off...

Leave and take a short loss on things or stay and take a bigger loss over time.

The other solution... Look for Nar Anon meetings in your area and gather up the info and support that you can get there, so you can make a better choice of what to do and how to do it if you stay or go.
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Old 02-23-2008, 09:32 PM
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Welcome to SR... You've found a good place...

You are NOT alone... You are also not insane...

What you ARE, is someone who is living with an addict... Your life is entwined with someone who is addicted to cocaine and pot, and things will never get better unless he seeks help.

YOU can't seek help FOR him -- that's something he has to do himself.

What you CAN do is communicate to him how his addiction is adversely affecting you and your life, asking him to do something about, and giving him some consequences if he doesn't.

You have already done this...

It sounds like you are afraid to follow-through on it, though.

There is a lot of pain which comes through in your post, dear, and you don't deserve it. I could "hold up a mirror" and quote you, hoping that you'll see it from the outside... I don't think I need to, though. I think you already know that you are in the midst of insanity, and that you are not willing to stay there.

Is this the same person you fell in love with? ... I doubt it.

I am going to say it again... YOU ARE LIVING WITH AN ADDICT... His only concern for you is to keep HIM enabled... That's all he cares about from you, and it sounds like he's not willing to recognize that, let alone do something about changing it... It sounds like his preference is to simply make YOU an addict too. In his mind that ends the "problem".

YOU aren't the problem... His behavior and addiction is.

You aren't insane. You're just scared.

What are you afraid of? ... Being alone? Heck, there's millions of people who would be *eager* to have a relationship with you! You just don't realize it... No more snuggling? *Everybody* snuggles, even when they think they don't.

Muster your courage and face your fear and start making arrangments to go. It sounds like things are already over and have been for a while... Start disengaging your life from his and make a break for it as quickly as you can... HE has already made his choice, and it doesn't include you.
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Old 02-23-2008, 09:38 PM
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Plain and simple. If he doesnt respect you enough to make changes. Obviously he doesnt respect himself. Then you need to cash in and move on.
You already know what you need to do. You posted it right there.
When it comes down to where someone makes you feel that way about yourself and them. You defunately need to get away from them.
Far from crazy and not alone.
Crazy if you stay.
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Old 02-23-2008, 10:08 PM
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You're not the crazy one. the crazy one is the one who just wants to stay there being a big fat sicko. your post is the post i would've written 3 months ago. now i am alone, and never question my sanity, not seriously anyway. i am the boss of me - and i smoke outside, where it won't make the house stink.
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Old 02-23-2008, 10:21 PM
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Please contact a womans shelter as they will know of local
resources to help you escape this addict.

Love never wins over active addiction.
Cut your losses now...flee.

...Welcome to SR and it can be
the beginning of your new positive future.
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Old 02-24-2008, 05:16 AM
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I hope she's okay.
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:08 AM
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I agree with everybody here - you need to look after you...

You are moving on from a life you don't want any more, it might sound hard but he will hold you back, you're putting yourself at risk by continuing to stay with him...

Maybe leaving him will be the wake-up call he needs to sort himself out, if not then it probably means that even if you did stay with him chances are he would not have changed anyway...

Hope you post again and let us know how you're doing and what your plans are...

Take care... :ghug2
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:37 AM
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you're not crazy I'm crazy. I think everyone gave solid advice. You can't go around imposing your will on others, no, no. let us know how it works out.
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Old 02-24-2008, 12:05 PM
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Thank you, all, for being so caring.

You'll be happy to know that I felt very enabled by your comments, and last night I presented an option to my bf: either stop doing coke, and keep off it, or lose me.

He, happily, chose me! I am aware that I cannot impose my will upon him, and that I cannot make him change, as has been pointed out, but i believe that a person can be inspired by another to change themselves.

Last night, he told me that he doesn't really enjoy doing coke, and that he is stuck in a social behavior that he doesn't really enjoy. I believe this, as I have never seen him do cocaine outside of the social situation that has enabled the drug. I can understand this, as I went through the same feelings before quitting smoking, which is really a very similar sort of social drug. I can understand how a person can incessantly continue to poison themselves just to be part of the social club.

We have also come up with a partial action plan to keep him off the coke. Part of the problem is that he likes the way that coke makes him more sociable and active when playing a show (he is in a band), so instead, he is going to have energy drinks. He will also outright refuse to buy or consume coke, and will stay the hell away from it, and he is aware that if he doesn't do this, I'm out of here.

I have made it clear - this is his only chance to stay clean, and show some respect for himself and me. I have given the ultimatum - stay clean or I'm gone. If he doesn't stay clean, I am going to move into a spare bedroom in my parent's house, and never speak to him again.

We are going to go to counseling, which will be helpful not only for us as a couple, and him as an addict, but it will help me because of my own addictions and PTSD. We have easy access to free counseling through my college.

We're going to work on his problem with pot as well, though with this we are taking a slower approach. I should mention, my bf's habit of sitting on the couch and smoking pot (almost mindlessly) is mirrored by my habit of sitting on the couch and eating incessantly. We've decided to recognize this as a transference of addictions, and we are going to work together to help each other stop these activities.


But the most important parts of this are: he has acknowledged that he has a problem, and has agreed to counseling.

thank you to the people who responded here, you helped me be firm in my resolve, and not back down on my ultimatum. I know that if he does not follow through on his word, I will have to leave him. Hopefully, it does not come down to this, but if it does, I know I have a place of support .
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Old 02-24-2008, 04:27 PM
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That's excellent news, WH! Thanks for letting us know!

What you did took a lot of courage. Not only confronting your BF but also making arrangements with your parents. It shows that you are serious.

Start the counseling work as soon as possible. Sometimes, with us substance abusers, once a little time has gone by and the "immediacy" has let up -- even after only a day or two -- we figure we've dodged a bullet and that there's no need to "rush things". We think things have "stabilized" and we can breathe a little easier and take our time... Its the disease talking, of course.

I also congratulate you on the "transference of addictions" approach! If nothing else, it frames this into a "we" problem and not a "you" problem. This too took courage.

It sounds like you've both taken one step in the right direction. Don't stop there -- instead get some momentum built up. This means action.

What are you and your BF doing about things tomorrow morning? ... What about tomorrow afternoon, and evening? ... Don't worry about next week yet -- what are you two doing about it twelve hours from now?

What does the action plan say about tonight?
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Old 02-24-2008, 04:35 PM
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I hope you don't mind WH... I quoted parts of your post in another thread...
Life With An Addict

Maybe it would help to print it out and tape it to the refrigerator... Maybe it could act as a reminder of what you are both trying to climb out of together... Maybe it can help to firm both of your resolves.
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Old 02-24-2008, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by warholian View Post
I used "k", a tranquilizer more generally used for large animals.
This is kind of off-topic, but it is a personal pet peeve of mine so I felt like jumping in and nipping this weird urban legend in the bud.

Ketamine is sometimes used in large animal medicine for its sedating properties - if someone needs to examine a laceration on a horse's leg without getting the S kicked out of them for instance. We also use it in cats and dogs as a pre-medication before anesthesia (like for a spay or neuter). The most common veterinary use for ketamine however, is in lab rodents. So, if you were going to call it as an exclusively veterinary drug, you'd really have to say it's a "small animal tranquilizer" since that's what it usually is.

But it's not an exclusively veterinary drug. It is also an extremely popular sedative/tranquilizer in human medicine, and used in the exact same way (pre-operative sedation and as a synergist with lower potency tranquilizers where no general anesthesia is used.)

Why do doctors chose to use it? It has very profound analgesia with no accompanying muscle paralysis - meaning that pain is well controlled without depressing the respiratory drive. (Unlike say, opiates, which strongly depress respiration.)

So, now that that's over with, here's what I'm trying to say:

There are NO horse tranquilizers!

Or at least, no horse tranquilizers that aren't people, cat, dog, and gerbil tranquilizers as well. There seems to be this kind of bragging right where people talk about taking "Horse Tranquilizers" or "Elephant Tranquilizers" like that makes them a much cooler more hard core drug addict. It really irks me when I hear it.

With very few exceptions (such as the fact that a single tylenol can kill a cat) any drug that can be used in a person can be used in an animal with the same effect; only the dosages are altered.

The only species specific tranquilizers that I know of are for fish.

And there you have it. Thank you for putting up with me. It was an itch that I just had to scratch.

~SK
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Old 02-25-2008, 04:04 AM
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Old 02-25-2008, 08:16 AM
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St_Kurt, I would appreciate if your posts pertained to the topic at hand, instead of ripping apart specific sentences that you find to be a pet peeve. I do not know if you realize this, but the obsessive, negative, and overtly factual nature of your post is insulting and negligent to the true point of the original post. Basically - please do not pick apart the semantics of people's posts - I was not gloating about using K, I was expressing the harsh reality of the drug's seriousness. Also, although k is used for small animals, it is also used for large animals, so your points are rather moot.
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Old 02-25-2008, 08:26 AM
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Green Tea - Thank you for reminding me about the "immediacy factor". I tried to not let that happen by having a few conversations with my bf to help cement our commitments, and build on our plans. he's even expressed interest in going to NA meetings, so we will be looking into that.

Also, I didn't eat any junk food yesterday!! Chewing sugar free gum helps.

Unfortunately, we cannot start counseling right away, because my college is closed for a week... but, I will keep in mind that he (actually, WE) could feel like we "dodged the bullet" and fall back to the old habits. We will keep the topic at the surface for now, and find other ways to help us, while we are at it.

Thanks for the support, Green tea.
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Old 02-25-2008, 08:46 AM
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let it grow!
 
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nice to meet you, warholian.

have you thought about going to alanon? my daughter is an alchoholic/addict and alanon meetings really help me.

keep posting! and please remember this about your boyfriend's drug use:

you didn't cause it.
you can't cure it.
you cannot control it.

you do have choices about how you allow to affect your life, though.

k
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Old 02-25-2008, 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by warholian View Post
St_Kurt, I would appreciate if your posts pertained to the topic at hand, instead of ripping apart specific sentences that you find to be a pet peeve. I do not know if you realize this, but the obsessive, negative, and overtly factual nature of your post is insulting and negligent to the true point of the original post. Basically - please do not pick apart the semantics of people's posts - I was not gloating about using K, I was expressing the harsh reality of the drug's seriousness. Also, although k is used for small animals, it is also used for large animals, so your points are rather moot.


hahaha

Hey warholian, I'm pretty much exactly the same person as your boyfriend. I quit drinking just over 2 months ago, after my fiance left me.

If he can stay clean for 2 weeks to a month, just one day at a time, he'll start to recognise reality again I reckon. It's terrible to be trapped in a cloud of smoke and haze and coke and drink, because it really does blind you.

I wish you guys all the best, cos it's a tough ride but I'm really enjoying life now and I'm still best mates with my ex, we've just realised we don't want to be with each other anyway.

I think what it is, is a choice - 'yes' or 'no'. I think when you gave up drugs and all that, you chose life, you decided to say 'yes' to life and all it has - vacations, seeing the world, meeting new people, exploring, discovering etc. Now what you see in him is someone who is choosing 'no' to life, cos he just can't see it any more - what he sees is bongs, rock and roll, party, tv and work and all that - but that's where it ends. It's the graveyard of ambition, that spot on the couch...

Maybe that's not it at all, but I reckon that's what it's all about, so I say to you guys - Choosing 'yes' is awesome, I hope you can find out what's going on and start to enjoy life again!

ndz
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