jessieandme2003

Hello all. I just wanted to tell someone my feelings who'd understand. Others cannot understand the way you all can.

I have been separated from my AH for 6 weeks now, and have gone through the rollercoaster ride. I've taken him back with a promise to quit drinking which lasted 3 days, then he moved out again. I've cried and cried when he was just out partying and picking up more stuff from the house for his new place. When he told me he had a one night stand with a girl from the bar. I'd frogive him, and let him come by late at night after the bar just so he'd hold me and tell me things I wanted to hear, only to have him leave again in the morning to go live his new life of freedom and no responsibility. I had to handle his suddenly treating me like a pal and no longer a wife, and yet still wanting to call me and see me. I was an emotional zombie for a couple weeks trying to readjust the vision of my future now that he wouldn't be in it. I began to use everything I was learning from Al Anon to focus on me, and to truly believe none of it was my fault. Even when he'd call to remind me how it was all my fault.

And slowly I began to feel better. A lot better. I began to notice all the other people in my life, and their love. I began to do things for me, and for my daughter. I began to live just for me. I started to notice how much less stress I had in my daily life since he was gone. I started to see how things were through clearer eyes, and how unhealthy it had all been. Others started to tell me things I did not know. I was detaching, finally. I stopped obsessing about where he might be, and when he'd call next. I even began to dread his next call.

So now I am ready to start my life new. There's even a nice guy showing great interest in me, what an ego booster. My AH signed the settlement papers this week, probably so I'd start paying him the money we agreed on. I am ready to file the divorce decree next. And what happens? My AH wants to reconcile. He calls several times a day. Pushes all my buttons. Cries, begs. He freaks out when he can't reach me, drives by the house, etc. Last night I came home form my girlfriends at midnight and he drove right by me on our street! Thank goodness my daughter was asleep in the car and didn't see him. He called immediately insisting to come over and be with me. I refused.

He isn't abusive in a physical way. It is not so much that I am scared (maybe a little) as it is that it makes me feel awful. I hate to hurt someone like this. I don't know how to be mean. I hate the feeling of being watched too. I feel out of control of my own life again when this happens. I feel like if I let a man pick me up I would be risking my life and his. Cetainly be risking an embarassing scene at least. Has anyone else been through this?

myles1

Hi,

The problem is he's losing control. When he was coming and going he was probably getting a big kick out of it, he had you still on a string and doing what he wanted at the same time. They are very childish.
Good for you for stopping it.
Now you are moving ahead and that is not part of HIS game.
Reality is hitting home now with him. He probably figured you'd just keep forgiving him and take him back.
Unfortunately you'll have to stay strong and keep going. Take steps to protect yourself if you feel he may get violent.

Ngaire

matters

Hi jesseandme2003,

The MENTAL ABUSE is very harmful and wears you down! Be strong and continue on with your new life. He wants to be the KING and have his cake and eat it too. He sees you getting independent and that scares him. Well too bad!! Hang in there and do what is right for YOU!!!!!

Prayers and hugs,
matters

margo

Hi Jessieandme - it was great to read your post and to see how much progress you have made. Now that you've had an opportunity to step away, it looks really different, doesn't it? And you've paid a heavy price for that new view. I hope you continue to see how strong you really are and that it will help you stay on the path you have chosen for YOUR life.

I understand how unsettling it must be for you to feel like your ex is spying on you. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your peace of mind. You may want to start writing down any and all incidents like this. If it ever comes down to you needing to file a restraining order, the info will be helpful. Could also be important in your divorce proceedings. Be careful, okay?

jessieandme2003

Myles, Matters and Margo,

Thank you so much for your responses. You have each helped me tremendously. The comment about how he feels he is losing control really made sense to me. I immediately felt comfortable again, knowing this was just another common part of the pattern. Several people have pointed out his desire to have his cake and eat it too, which goes to the deep selfishness I found as the reason I could not continue the relationship. I also appreciate the advice about wriitng things down. My lawyer had suggested this too, and I am glad you reminded me that I must keep up on that task. I had fallen behind but will get busy tonight.

I will continue to be strong, thanks to all your help, and will continue the f2f meetings as well. Having this support system really works. And the phrase "take what you like and leave the rest" has been on my mind lately. This forum really offers me something I need, although the specific something may be different than what someone else finds here. The point is that we all find the part we need.

God bless you all.

myles1

Their selfishness runs very deep, my ex did exactly the same thing when I left, after he agreed we'd try to reconcile he was going out all the time and on and on and on then was angry when I canned him. He still doesn't get it or he gets it but doesn't want to and blames me for it.

I told him I missed his parents and his response was "well you were the one who packed up and left." well what did I have to stay for, more abuse?

You can't win, you can't even get on an equal footing.

Ngaire

maryl

My prayers are with you and your daughter. You are doing the right thing and that is what bugs him most.
Keep positive, You are the one in control! You may want to look into a self defence class so that you are knowledgable as o how to protect yourself from him or anyone for that matter.
Lots of Hugs'
maryl

EyesOpen

Your quote: "I hate to hurt someone like this. I don't know how to be mean. I hate the feeling of being watched too. I feel out of control of my own life again when this happens."

To help you remain strong, just realize that this is yet more evidence that he is trying to manipulate you, and if he TRULY cared for you, he'd clean up his act and not intimidate.

I know you hate to hurt someone, anyone, especially someone you love/loved. But, letting him back into your life BEFORE he admits his problem, and BEFORE he gets help, will do him the most harm (and you too).

Smoothing things over and getting back into the same rut will only allow his disease to progress.

Some times the best thing you can do for a person in the "long run" is to do what's necessary, even if it hurts now.

Take care.