WantsOut

There were days when he wasn't drunk. I would cook for us and, on a chilly day like today, we'd eat and then sit by the fireplace and watch a movie. Or maybe we'd walk the dog together. Or he'd work at his computer and I'd read.

These days I only have half the house - I had to rent out the other half and it's the better half with the fireplace and washer/dryer. I'm doing ok but still not totally stable in the workplace. I'm a consultant and may go full-time in a few months but it's not certain. I have some money in the bank but I cling to it like a liferaft in terror that I might lose my job.

My son is away at school and doing well, which is a blessing but I admit I am lonely.

When I try to meet someone like with online dating or whatever, they feel so alien. I feel exhausted with the idea of trying to get to know someone again. and I have that cynical feeling that it never really works out long term anyway, so why bother.

And I miss my exAH at those moments. I know it's foolish but he was very kind and gentle and supportive in a lot of ways. Practically he's still got problems - he smokes like a chimney and I quit and hate the smell now, and he's in debt up to the rafters. I mean like 6 figures of debt.

Last night I actually dreamed I was snuggling with Barack Obama. The night before I dreamed I was about to sleep with a handsome man. The night before I dreamed I kissed a woman I work with.

I've been thinking of maybe trying to get a fun job on the weekends when the weather gets nice. I live near a lot of beach towns - I could do something totally mindless and fun like work at a lobster shack. I really need to make some friends or something. I guess that's part of it too - I feel shy about meeting a man when my life is so empty - my two friends live in other states. There are some possiblities at my workplace but they have not developed yet.

I know I'm having a pity pot session here but I've been feeling this way for weeks and I need to get it out.

I want my house back. I want a lover. I want some friends.

I was invited to a party in another state next weekend and I'm going, bought a dress and all. I am making some attempts to socialize. I feel like my life is slipping away day by day and I'm not living it.

peaceteach

Wants out,
A lot of what you are experiencing sounds similar. I found support on an empty nest forum when my daughter moved out to college. It is not addict focused, but more "mom" after kids focused. My favorite site is:

Empty Nest Support

hope2bhappy

OMG!!! We'd better think fast! How about really shaking things up. Have you considered moving closer to your two friends?

CarolD

Each time you miss a good time
Remember a bad time.
It's hard but it works for me.

I'm kinda concerned about you atending a party
out of state. If it's to join your friend ... super!
But if it's full of people you don't know...???

After agreeing to meet a man I 'met" on line
he wanted to take me to see a
house he was preparing to buy.
I heard a bell faintly. But agreed.
We were to meet at a cafe.
He arrived with another stranger and I heard
alarm bells clanging. I left for the Ladies
and fled thru the kitchen back door.
I removed my profile from that site...
gave up on line dating.

Anyway.... and be safe.

Seeking Wisdom

I could have written a post so much like yours. At this point, I feel like I am in limbo and just existing .... not really living. Like you, I wonder if all the effort a new relationship would require would be worth all the trouble .... since so many relationships don't seem to work out anyway. However, I feel after so many years, I also like making my own decisions and controlling my own time - yet I also feel like I am living in a vacuum.

I also miss the good times with my AH ... and have never forgotten that few alcoholics are all bad - that there were alot of qualities that attracted us to them in the first place. Unfortunately, as the addiction progresses ...the good is slowly overtaken by painfully destructive behaviors.

I wish I could give you some great ideas or insight ... but unfortunately right now I am in a place so similar and thought I would let you know you are not alone in how you feel.

DetachMe9

WantsOut (or 'WantsIn' sounds more like it right now): You probably didn't intend for your post to be especially funny, but the Barack dream just had me laughing out loud. !

Your situation sounds very familiar, despite the fact that I'm still in my house with my AH. Divorce will be final in about a month, then he'll be taking his share of the equity and finding his own place. I'm already feeling similar stuff to what you posted, and so is he from what he tells me. We're both in our 40's and this will be the second divorce for each of us. It's a lazy Sunday, and we'd normally be planning to see whatever Oscar-Best-Picture movie we hadn't yet seen. He mentioned it this morning, but I already made plans to see "Juno" later with my sister. He looked sad, and I'd actually rather go with him, but we're getting divorced so I need to act like it and stop making excuses to enable him.

I think I must've been very adept at denial regarding the "old times". The ones (and there were many) where things were calm, comfy, and alcohol wasn't spoiling the scene. I remember them now in a skewed way when I get sad and wistful, but if I allow myself to really THINK - - to really recall the context of all those years, I realize I'm leaving out that constant undercurrent of doubt/dread/anxiety/potential instability/whatever. The alcoholism. It was always there and I hated it; like the feeling of my house resting on a foundation of sand. But it's so easy to take that piece out and just focus on a dreamy version of the "old times".

For what it's worth, I'm feeling you. I, for one, don't intend to leave out of this life without experiencing that ridiculously chewy goodness of falling in love (or lust) with someone at least one more time before it's all over. I keep telling myself I'm only 46, right?

DesertEyes

Hi there WantsOut

I went thru exactly what you described. For me it was kind of like a mourning period. Mourning the passing of my marriage, which was a wonderful, beautiful thing for many years before my wife became addicted to pain pills. I had _no_ interest in making any friends, and the thought of dating literally made me sick. I felt like I was being unfaithful, even though the divorce papers were long signed. I had to force myself to go to meetings, because I knew they were good for me, but otherwise I just stayed home and let my emotional wounds heal.

Continuing to go to meetings really helped, even though it didn't feel like it at the time. And posting here helped too. It maintained contact with other people, and kept me off that "pity pot".

I healed. Slowly, far too slow for my impatient self, but I healed. First I became interested in a charming lady at one of my meets, and some time later we actually went out a few times. Later on I managed to get a real job, with benefits even. I actually dated another lady a few times, and then bought a small condo. Now I'm back to my old self, enjoying my friends and my life, and have been dating yet another lady quite regularly for several months. I have my life back.

To me it was like that al-anon symbol of the butterfly. I had to go hide in a coccoon for awhile while I grew my wings and became a butterfly. Just like your avatar says I think those dreams you're having are evidence that you _are_ growing your wings, and that maybe you do need to get out and socialize more. I know when I did it really helped me avoid feeling sorry for myself.

Mike
* who is not going to share who _he_ was dreaming of in those days cuz his g/f would _kill_ him *

WantsOut

heh - Obama is funny cause I'm a big hillary supporter - I think I had just read about him right before I went to sleep so that's why he came to mind. Such is our dreamlife.

Since I posted this I have felt better, then I felt worse, then I felt better again. Now I'm worse again.

The party I'm going to this coming weekend - don't worry it's a big banquet thing not something in some stranger's basement.

We'll see how it goes - I'll just try to have a good week at work and then I'm off to the party.

*sigh*

Cindi R

It's been 5 years since the separation/divorce...
a year and a half since my last blind date.
It *might* be time for me to consider taking another chance at it again...
LOL
Knowing exactly how you're feeling...
wishing it were as easy to "hook up" as it used to be, when we were younger and so much more naive!
Now there's way too much stuff to think about, in my 40's I've become almost too wise to kiss a few frogs...
although I'd like to meet the prince.

peaceteach

Echo all of above! I haven't had a date since I met my exAh when I was 19! I've cocooned myself silly these past few "being single" years and convinced myself that I'm just fine without a guy. I really felt what Mike said those first few years, like I was being unfaithful to my marriage, even though I was divorced-LOL. It's a strange situation, finding yourself single and in midlife. At least I can smile now when I talk about meeting someone rather than feeling sick to my stomach. However, I'm not sure I'll know when my wings are fully developed and ready for flight?

Pick-a-name

This all sounds familiar..........I guess I am in better company than I thought,too! Last "date" I went on was with exAH back in 1976. (I never was one who really enjoyed the dating-scene even back then when I was young and skinny,etc.,etc haha). He doesn't seem to be having a problem "starting over",but I am. Then again,he's still drinking,etc.,too. He left saying he figured his life was about half over (at 50y) so he "wanted to have fun and fall in love again".....so that put an even more negative-spin on the idea for me...ha. Can't help but thinking there must be a lot of others with "issues" I don't know about!

Him leaving and then divorcing me at basically the same time both our children moved out for college,has thrown me for a loop or three! Hearing about the younger women he has found (he was their boss!) has not helped either,but I'm plugging along. It's nice to hear from you who have been here and are now feeling/doing better that life does go on and get better. I tell myself that,but sometimes the reminder sure is helpful!!

Glad you are all here making the process much easier!