Recovery Road?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 14
Recovery Road?
so when your loved one addict is on the path to recovery , and you let them stay at your home, you are helping not hurting .. right???
but when you addict is using and you kick them out , you gave up on them?
please give me your opinon
i am sorting out things
thank you
but when you addict is using and you kick them out , you gave up on them?
please give me your opinon
i am sorting out things
thank you
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
" Huckster"
Its not that easy or that black and white. It was a hard concept for me to define in the beginning, mostly because I was as sick as he was. I learned that my biggest problem was I NEEDED to be NEEDED. And still struggle with this. That is my illness. I get my power and most of my feeling of well being when I have helped.
And so as I began my recovery,I had to ask myself during every decision, (staying, going, giving, taking etc.) is the focus on his recovery or on mine? If the focus of the decision was on his recovery and I was involved IT HURT his recovery every time. If the focus was on my recovery, ( learning what was REALLY GOOD AND HEALTHY FOR ME and not stemming from my enabling and fears) then it helped.
Enabling is hurting. Anytime when your actions or decisions get in the way of their recovery it can hurt them. Sometimes when you let them stay you are hurting them, sometimes when you kick them out you are hurting them. Make decisions based on you. They need to make decisions based on Their recovery. If they need YOU and your help to recover there will be a problem. Them knowing that you love them and want them to be well is okay. You can't do it for them and you can't make it easier. Which is so hard for us because we THRIVE on being needed and this takes that away from us. That is why our recovery is important too. Finding an existence that doesn't DEPEND on someone else being okay or happy, but instead learns to find happiness in ourselves, can only make relationships better.
Its not that easy or that black and white. It was a hard concept for me to define in the beginning, mostly because I was as sick as he was. I learned that my biggest problem was I NEEDED to be NEEDED. And still struggle with this. That is my illness. I get my power and most of my feeling of well being when I have helped.
And so as I began my recovery,I had to ask myself during every decision, (staying, going, giving, taking etc.) is the focus on his recovery or on mine? If the focus of the decision was on his recovery and I was involved IT HURT his recovery every time. If the focus was on my recovery, ( learning what was REALLY GOOD AND HEALTHY FOR ME and not stemming from my enabling and fears) then it helped.
Enabling is hurting. Anytime when your actions or decisions get in the way of their recovery it can hurt them. Sometimes when you let them stay you are hurting them, sometimes when you kick them out you are hurting them. Make decisions based on you. They need to make decisions based on Their recovery. If they need YOU and your help to recover there will be a problem. Them knowing that you love them and want them to be well is okay. You can't do it for them and you can't make it easier. Which is so hard for us because we THRIVE on being needed and this takes that away from us. That is why our recovery is important too. Finding an existence that doesn't DEPEND on someone else being okay or happy, but instead learns to find happiness in ourselves, can only make relationships better.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Should my son who is missing show up and want to stay at my home, he would not be allowed....clean or using. I would visit with him someplace neutral but not in my home.
I lived in hell too many years to spend my time "guessing" if he was clean or using,losing things that he stole, playing codie detective and trying to save him. I gave up that life when I chose recovery and am never going back there.
It's not about supporting him nor giving up on him at all...it's about me maintaining my balance, my boundaries and my sanity. I can love him just as much with him living anyplace else.
Hugs
I lived in hell too many years to spend my time "guessing" if he was clean or using,losing things that he stole, playing codie detective and trying to save him. I gave up that life when I chose recovery and am never going back there.
It's not about supporting him nor giving up on him at all...it's about me maintaining my balance, my boundaries and my sanity. I can love him just as much with him living anyplace else.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 14
Thank you for the responses so far , it is so hard sorting out feelings , i know my life revoled around my son , damaging relations with the rest of my kids, i am working on healing myself, i just wish there was a "if you do this , than this will happen , book out there..lol
i am proud when my AS is doing good which he is today , i just need to learn to control my fear about tommorrow.. always waiting for the other shoe to drop.. afraid we dont deserve the good days.. i just dont want to mess my AS up any more than i have by being his enabler, i have pulled away so far .. he sees this and i think it makes him happy to know i give him room .. does that make sense?
thank you all
God bless
i am proud when my AS is doing good which he is today , i just need to learn to control my fear about tommorrow.. always waiting for the other shoe to drop.. afraid we dont deserve the good days.. i just dont want to mess my AS up any more than i have by being his enabler, i have pulled away so far .. he sees this and i think it makes him happy to know i give him room .. does that make sense?
thank you all
God bless
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