My life has gone completely and totally out of control
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 177
My life has gone completely and totally out of control
no kidding. But it seems there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. It all started when hubby came home from rehab. Yup he was a totally different man. No kidding. He helped around the house, was caring and considerate and so on. The only problem was he was pushing really hard for me to open up. I have a lot of problems in my past(a ton) and he was pushing hard for me to open up to him and not taking no as an answer.
Well We were doing the counsling thing. Private and together. After 2 sessions I came to discover why I felt so uncomfortable in the couples sessions. He was taking the approach that those sessions were to fix me. Ummmm so suddenly I am a broken car or such? Things started to go from bad to worse about 3 weeks in when he started to have a reaction to his anger meds and had to be taken off them. So after a week his temper started to come out. Then my daughter really started to act out then my disabilites really started to affect me, everything came to a head for me of the past 8 months, 5 1/2yrs. On Wedsnesday I left the house on a suicide attempt. But after a few hours of sitting in a park I walked to the hospital. Where the ER doctor informed me that one of the new anxiety meds that my doctor proscribed me can have a side effect of suicidal thoughts the first couple of weeks(oh joy. Just what I need right now). So she proscribed me a med to calm me down and sent me home to the care of my husband who was to control my meds. Not a smart idea.
Hubby decided the next day he did not want to be my baby sitter when it came to my medication regaurdless of what he promised the ER doctor and gave me my meds. Said that is all I wanted to do anyway. Called me a cowarded as I left the house crying at 10pm on Thursday. I went out to a field and down a ton of sleeping pills. To me it only seemed like a few hours passed. But what everyone else said I was out there for about 10 hours. Hubby didn't call the police till 1am. Then he called our doctor friend and my family and some church memebers all who went out looking for me. He of course didn't. He told the police he didn't know I had left the house till 1am. When they did find me I was so cold I could not feel my legs or feet and could not stand. The police found me and called and ambulance. My doctor friend made sure to be the doctor to meet us at the hospital. In fact his wife was the one who told him to get his butt there to take care of me since she knew how stressed I already was. They said my core temp was 35, what ever that means. I don't remember much. They took me to psych but I only stayed their one night before the psych doc said there was nothing wrong with me. Which really angered my family doctor and my doctor friend to no end.
So to help give me a break this week my mother has had all the kids while I have been home with hubby, who up untill yesterday has made life a living hell. When he threw my meds at me agian telling me to do what I wanted to do I called my doctor friend and he came over and gave hubby what for. Letting him know that just because he is recovering from an addiction promblem does not give him a right to abuse his wife in this manner when she needs him the most and if he can't step up to the plate then to just leave or grow up. One or the other. So for since then he has been ok.
We also had another doctors appointment yesterday where my doctor doubled my meds and put me on stronger meds to relax me. He also put Derek on a different mood stabalizer med to help control his anger. The other one worked but he had a bad reaction to it. So hopefully this one will work too.
On top of that my doctor and counslor both recommend sending my daughter to a child psych doc and also sending her to stay with family for a while. She is 9 and acting out like mad and I just can't handle it. And right now they say that my main prioiy has to be me and getting me back on my feet. So our doctor is setting up the child psych thing and our extended family is having a family counsel as to where to send her. They think they have just the right famiily member. THey have kids her age. They live on a farm and they are stricted but also a loving family. THe kids are well mannered but also required to do their share. My daughter refuses to do anything and thinks everyone is her severent. So it would be a huge culture shock for her. She would be there the rest of the school year, all of the summer at least. If my doctor and therapist then say I am up to it then she can come home for grade four. If not then she will stay there which is fine because her grade 4 teacher would be her grandma and she would not let her get away with anything.
So that is my update. Sorry it is long. And sorry I have not posted in so long. My life has been in such turmoil. I don't know if I am coming or going or anything. I hope this post is ok since it is how I am recovering anyway from a very hard week.
Nikki
Well We were doing the counsling thing. Private and together. After 2 sessions I came to discover why I felt so uncomfortable in the couples sessions. He was taking the approach that those sessions were to fix me. Ummmm so suddenly I am a broken car or such? Things started to go from bad to worse about 3 weeks in when he started to have a reaction to his anger meds and had to be taken off them. So after a week his temper started to come out. Then my daughter really started to act out then my disabilites really started to affect me, everything came to a head for me of the past 8 months, 5 1/2yrs. On Wedsnesday I left the house on a suicide attempt. But after a few hours of sitting in a park I walked to the hospital. Where the ER doctor informed me that one of the new anxiety meds that my doctor proscribed me can have a side effect of suicidal thoughts the first couple of weeks(oh joy. Just what I need right now). So she proscribed me a med to calm me down and sent me home to the care of my husband who was to control my meds. Not a smart idea.
Hubby decided the next day he did not want to be my baby sitter when it came to my medication regaurdless of what he promised the ER doctor and gave me my meds. Said that is all I wanted to do anyway. Called me a cowarded as I left the house crying at 10pm on Thursday. I went out to a field and down a ton of sleeping pills. To me it only seemed like a few hours passed. But what everyone else said I was out there for about 10 hours. Hubby didn't call the police till 1am. Then he called our doctor friend and my family and some church memebers all who went out looking for me. He of course didn't. He told the police he didn't know I had left the house till 1am. When they did find me I was so cold I could not feel my legs or feet and could not stand. The police found me and called and ambulance. My doctor friend made sure to be the doctor to meet us at the hospital. In fact his wife was the one who told him to get his butt there to take care of me since she knew how stressed I already was. They said my core temp was 35, what ever that means. I don't remember much. They took me to psych but I only stayed their one night before the psych doc said there was nothing wrong with me. Which really angered my family doctor and my doctor friend to no end.
So to help give me a break this week my mother has had all the kids while I have been home with hubby, who up untill yesterday has made life a living hell. When he threw my meds at me agian telling me to do what I wanted to do I called my doctor friend and he came over and gave hubby what for. Letting him know that just because he is recovering from an addiction promblem does not give him a right to abuse his wife in this manner when she needs him the most and if he can't step up to the plate then to just leave or grow up. One or the other. So for since then he has been ok.
We also had another doctors appointment yesterday where my doctor doubled my meds and put me on stronger meds to relax me. He also put Derek on a different mood stabalizer med to help control his anger. The other one worked but he had a bad reaction to it. So hopefully this one will work too.
On top of that my doctor and counslor both recommend sending my daughter to a child psych doc and also sending her to stay with family for a while. She is 9 and acting out like mad and I just can't handle it. And right now they say that my main prioiy has to be me and getting me back on my feet. So our doctor is setting up the child psych thing and our extended family is having a family counsel as to where to send her. They think they have just the right famiily member. THey have kids her age. They live on a farm and they are stricted but also a loving family. THe kids are well mannered but also required to do their share. My daughter refuses to do anything and thinks everyone is her severent. So it would be a huge culture shock for her. She would be there the rest of the school year, all of the summer at least. If my doctor and therapist then say I am up to it then she can come home for grade four. If not then she will stay there which is fine because her grade 4 teacher would be her grandma and she would not let her get away with anything.
So that is my update. Sorry it is long. And sorry I have not posted in so long. My life has been in such turmoil. I don't know if I am coming or going or anything. I hope this post is ok since it is how I am recovering anyway from a very hard week.
Nikki
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((((Nikki)))))
Such struggles! Sounds like you have good Drs. around you that are humane, responsible, and have common sense! Listen to them.
Sounds like a perfect solution for your daughter, culture shock might be just the thing she needs, and in the meantime you can relax and know she is being taken care of so you can take care of yourself!
You made one comment early in your post about feeling like the counseling session was about "fixing" you. We too tried couples counseling a little, and at one point I described myself as a broken toy. I still looked whole sitting on the shelf, and while he might love me, in the way someone loves a toy that is different and useful that others can admire, the fact is that by himself, my AH never played with me so over the years, pieces of me started getting dried out and fragile, so that as years went on and he did bring me off the shelf once in a while to play with me, first an arm wouldn't work, then my eyes stopped blinking, etc. I was so old, they don't make replacement parts for me anymore. Had he played with me and taken care of me regularly, all my parts would have stayed in working condition, and the little repairs needed would have been found early on and easily repaired, as it is, there was no more "fixing" me - at least not for him.
Take care of yourself, be good to yourself! :praying
Such struggles! Sounds like you have good Drs. around you that are humane, responsible, and have common sense! Listen to them.
Sounds like a perfect solution for your daughter, culture shock might be just the thing she needs, and in the meantime you can relax and know she is being taken care of so you can take care of yourself!
You made one comment early in your post about feeling like the counseling session was about "fixing" you. We too tried couples counseling a little, and at one point I described myself as a broken toy. I still looked whole sitting on the shelf, and while he might love me, in the way someone loves a toy that is different and useful that others can admire, the fact is that by himself, my AH never played with me so over the years, pieces of me started getting dried out and fragile, so that as years went on and he did bring me off the shelf once in a while to play with me, first an arm wouldn't work, then my eyes stopped blinking, etc. I was so old, they don't make replacement parts for me anymore. Had he played with me and taken care of me regularly, all my parts would have stayed in working condition, and the little repairs needed would have been found early on and easily repaired, as it is, there was no more "fixing" me - at least not for him.
Take care of yourself, be good to yourself! :praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
((((Nikki)))) I hope you feel better. Sharing my crazy life here always seems to help me. I'll be thinking of you and watching for your next post as you draw closer to that light at the end of the tunnel. Please take care of yourself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I think you're right Nikki...things are out of control.
Many of us here, on the boards for many different reasons have found that it takes this knowledge, that things are out of control, to even begin to put things back together.
I say this with kindness...the least of your worries now should be what your husband is doing.
You need to take care of you. You need to look at your part in all of this. You need to not wait for your husband to take heed.
You can get your life back...you can get your daughter back...and you can leave this chaos behind.
Its up to you.
Prayers you find peace
(((Hugs)))
Many of us here, on the boards for many different reasons have found that it takes this knowledge, that things are out of control, to even begin to put things back together.
I say this with kindness...the least of your worries now should be what your husband is doing.
You need to take care of you. You need to look at your part in all of this. You need to not wait for your husband to take heed.
You can get your life back...you can get your daughter back...and you can leave this chaos behind.
Its up to you.
Prayers you find peace
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear nikki,
i was so sad, reading your post. it made me think of what i have often read: that it is the spouse of the addict who is as much at risk of death as the addict himself. death from suicidal depression, death from stress-induced illness, death from car accidents because of driving while upset, death from fire because of too many sleeping pills to calm down. the list goes on.
the psych doctor at the hospital was wrong. anyone who presents with a suicide attempt is critically ill and needs consistent, ongoing attention and perhaps hospitalization. i'm sure your doctor friend knows this, and i hope is advocating for your treatment of major depression with a qualified, capable psychiatrist. it is a life-threatening illness , extremely dangerous. just like addiction, it distorts thinking and emotion and impels one to do things she would never ever do in a clear state of mind.
your primary goal for now should be recovery from major depression. there are incredibly effective medications available which will bring life back into your heart, dear. this is not something that will go away with rest nor with al-anon. it is a physical/mental disease and requires medical treatment. for you, that treatment is urgent. you need and deserve immediate help. you will not think you deserve it. that is a symptom of the illness. it makes the sufferer feel she does not deserve help nor happiness. it is not you, not the real you, when those thoughts come. it is the illness talking.
please connect to your local mental health clinic for an appointment and please combine medication and therapy for the best results. major depression begins to abate within about 3-4 weeks of medication, but one must be patient, see it as a long-term healing.
i write as the mother of a son who was taken under by the illness and he struggled. he did not attempt suicide, thank God, and today he is strong and well and happy. but without medical treatment i might have lost him. and then for the rest of my life been the victim of his disease, as your family would if they lost you.
you were born for a purpose, designed by God, which is beautiful and filled with meaning and love, and you need to get well to bring that purpose to full flowering. God made you to flower in this beautiful world. you must find a way to hold on and to allow His plan to unfold. He has a beautiful idea for your life. it is very precious, as are you.
don't give up. get medical help, get the depression under control, then you can turn to your relationship and the issues of addiction in your family.
sending love and resolve your way.
i was so sad, reading your post. it made me think of what i have often read: that it is the spouse of the addict who is as much at risk of death as the addict himself. death from suicidal depression, death from stress-induced illness, death from car accidents because of driving while upset, death from fire because of too many sleeping pills to calm down. the list goes on.
the psych doctor at the hospital was wrong. anyone who presents with a suicide attempt is critically ill and needs consistent, ongoing attention and perhaps hospitalization. i'm sure your doctor friend knows this, and i hope is advocating for your treatment of major depression with a qualified, capable psychiatrist. it is a life-threatening illness , extremely dangerous. just like addiction, it distorts thinking and emotion and impels one to do things she would never ever do in a clear state of mind.
your primary goal for now should be recovery from major depression. there are incredibly effective medications available which will bring life back into your heart, dear. this is not something that will go away with rest nor with al-anon. it is a physical/mental disease and requires medical treatment. for you, that treatment is urgent. you need and deserve immediate help. you will not think you deserve it. that is a symptom of the illness. it makes the sufferer feel she does not deserve help nor happiness. it is not you, not the real you, when those thoughts come. it is the illness talking.
please connect to your local mental health clinic for an appointment and please combine medication and therapy for the best results. major depression begins to abate within about 3-4 weeks of medication, but one must be patient, see it as a long-term healing.
i write as the mother of a son who was taken under by the illness and he struggled. he did not attempt suicide, thank God, and today he is strong and well and happy. but without medical treatment i might have lost him. and then for the rest of my life been the victim of his disease, as your family would if they lost you.
you were born for a purpose, designed by God, which is beautiful and filled with meaning and love, and you need to get well to bring that purpose to full flowering. God made you to flower in this beautiful world. you must find a way to hold on and to allow His plan to unfold. He has a beautiful idea for your life. it is very precious, as are you.
don't give up. get medical help, get the depression under control, then you can turn to your relationship and the issues of addiction in your family.
sending love and resolve your way.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nikki, it sounds like you and your husband have a pretty toxic relationship right now. Would it be possible to go move in with family or someone safe while you get your own health sorted out and then think about dealing with your husband from a place where you can think clearly?
I'm sorry you are going through this, but when your life is on the line here it just may be a good time to get yourself someplace safer, emotionally.
Hugs
I'm sorry you are going through this, but when your life is on the line here it just may be a good time to get yourself someplace safer, emotionally.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Nikki. I'm so glad to see that you posted. Go easy on yourself and take care ok. Do what you need to do to feel well again. When things get tough for me I try to remind myself that slow and steady wins the race. Things will eventually work out. Even if it doesn't seem like it right now, things will be ok again.
You are so lucky to have family that can take your daughter while you are working through your problems. It may be a good thing!
(((hugs)))
You are so lucky to have family that can take your daughter while you are working through your problems. It may be a good thing!
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Nikki -
this rough patch sounds like it has been grueling. Addiction is a toxic situation (being addicted and loving the addicted). We really do have a life threatening "disease" as you have discovered. It's a wake up call to take the care of yourself that you need. It sounds like your daughter's situation is a good one and you can now concentrate on you. Living with addiction can make even the strongest person spiral downward. I think that trying to do couples counselling in the first year of recovery is tough to do. I'm really glad that I spent a whole year on counselling for just me before going in with RAH. I had a lot of anger, pain, resentments, hurt, and low self-esteem to work through. I wouldn't have been in a good enough place to have participated in addressing our relationship. My RAH really needed that first year to focus on his recovery. We had to put a lot of our issues on hold until later....it's not easy to do but the stress of couple's counselling in early recovery is worse maybe.
I agree with Ann - take the time for yourself to get meds worked out and to find solid ground. When I have breathing room and supportive people around me things really look different.
I hope that you are doing better - thinking about you - Donna
this rough patch sounds like it has been grueling. Addiction is a toxic situation (being addicted and loving the addicted). We really do have a life threatening "disease" as you have discovered. It's a wake up call to take the care of yourself that you need. It sounds like your daughter's situation is a good one and you can now concentrate on you. Living with addiction can make even the strongest person spiral downward. I think that trying to do couples counselling in the first year of recovery is tough to do. I'm really glad that I spent a whole year on counselling for just me before going in with RAH. I had a lot of anger, pain, resentments, hurt, and low self-esteem to work through. I wouldn't have been in a good enough place to have participated in addressing our relationship. My RAH really needed that first year to focus on his recovery. We had to put a lot of our issues on hold until later....it's not easy to do but the stress of couple's counselling in early recovery is worse maybe.
I agree with Ann - take the time for yourself to get meds worked out and to find solid ground. When I have breathing room and supportive people around me things really look different.
I hope that you are doing better - thinking about you - Donna
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Nikki
there are so many issues going on in your post but the most important seems to be to take care of yourself....
it is good that you have supportive family that can help with your daughter....
it would be wonderful if that support could be available to you too
I agree with Ann...you and your husband are in a very toxic place....
he is in early recovery and certainly not someone i would want to lean on....
please consider alternatives as you both heal....
there are so many issues going on in your post but the most important seems to be to take care of yourself....
it is good that you have supportive family that can help with your daughter....
it would be wonderful if that support could be available to you too
I agree with Ann...you and your husband are in a very toxic place....
he is in early recovery and certainly not someone i would want to lean on....
please consider alternatives as you both heal....
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
