Uh Oh. Having A Bit Of Slippage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Uh Oh. Having A Bit Of Slippage.
Yuck.
Why does this process have to be so hard? I keep telling myself that most people going through a divorce don't live with their STBX's the entire time, but that hasn't kept me from starting to waffle a bit. Well, alot this morning.
I figured I'd better post and get it out, maybe get a cyber-slap on the ass from some of the old guard before I completely cave. I don't want to stop this divorce from happening just because the enabler in me is having a relapse today. God.
AH and I are about 6 weeks out from making it final. After 11 years together, with the last two being filled with all the alcoholic crap you can fathom, he's making it very difficult to end it. He's remained dry for several weeks now, is working again, and is endlessly remorseful/apologetic about every bad decision he's made recently. Lots of crying and requests for reconsideration. Lots of discussion about multiple great insights and epiphanies he's had regarding his behavior in the marriage, etc.
BUT, and this would be the kicker, no movement whatsoever back to AA, therapy, a book, a friend, anything. Just the statement of willingness to go back if we stay together, which I'm fully aware is absolute crap because it's a hollow thought. I sure as sh*t didn't go to AA and remain sober the last 15 years because somebody promised to stay with me. I did it because my life (with or without other humans in it) sucked, and I couldn't stand myself. Period.
I guess today it's just the dream calling again, like I've heard LaTee and others say so many times. He still has the same sweet face, same smell, same sense of humor, same master's degree, same look of love/wanting this morning - - but he's been hollowed out by this fu*king illness and I cannot let myself get back on that broke pony.
I wish we could live apart. It's like trying to stay on a diet and the house is filled with chocolate. Help. Thanks, D9
Why does this process have to be so hard? I keep telling myself that most people going through a divorce don't live with their STBX's the entire time, but that hasn't kept me from starting to waffle a bit. Well, alot this morning.
I figured I'd better post and get it out, maybe get a cyber-slap on the ass from some of the old guard before I completely cave. I don't want to stop this divorce from happening just because the enabler in me is having a relapse today. God.
AH and I are about 6 weeks out from making it final. After 11 years together, with the last two being filled with all the alcoholic crap you can fathom, he's making it very difficult to end it. He's remained dry for several weeks now, is working again, and is endlessly remorseful/apologetic about every bad decision he's made recently. Lots of crying and requests for reconsideration. Lots of discussion about multiple great insights and epiphanies he's had regarding his behavior in the marriage, etc.
BUT, and this would be the kicker, no movement whatsoever back to AA, therapy, a book, a friend, anything. Just the statement of willingness to go back if we stay together, which I'm fully aware is absolute crap because it's a hollow thought. I sure as sh*t didn't go to AA and remain sober the last 15 years because somebody promised to stay with me. I did it because my life (with or without other humans in it) sucked, and I couldn't stand myself. Period.
I guess today it's just the dream calling again, like I've heard LaTee and others say so many times. He still has the same sweet face, same smell, same sense of humor, same master's degree, same look of love/wanting this morning - - but he's been hollowed out by this fu*king illness and I cannot let myself get back on that broke pony.
I wish we could live apart. It's like trying to stay on a diet and the house is filled with chocolate. Help. Thanks, D9
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
First, I have to say that living in the same house while going through a divorce must be excruciating. Is there any way to change that? You must have other plans for after the divorce, right? Any way to move them up a few weeks?
Secondly, the only thing that kept me moving forward when I was feeling like you are is knowing that nothing has to be forever. So, he has a few weeks of not drinking. That's not enough to cancel out all the reasons you came to this difficult decision is it? But, if things change and maybe a year to two (?) down the road he is back on the recovery path, no reason why you two can't try again, right? Lots of people get divorced and remarried. Heck, my aunt has married the same guy 3 different times! So, do what you have to do now, knowing that if things change later, you can do something different.
((()))
L
Secondly, the only thing that kept me moving forward when I was feeling like you are is knowing that nothing has to be forever. So, he has a few weeks of not drinking. That's not enough to cancel out all the reasons you came to this difficult decision is it? But, if things change and maybe a year to two (?) down the road he is back on the recovery path, no reason why you two can't try again, right? Lots of people get divorced and remarried. Heck, my aunt has married the same guy 3 different times! So, do what you have to do now, knowing that if things change later, you can do something different.
((()))
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Totally agree with LTD, if he is serious about recovery he will be there in a year or two. It must be horrific being under the same roof and i feel for you and wish that you could find somewhere else to stay, but if you cant please stay strong, youve come this far you have nothing to loose, by stopping the divorce you could have everything to loose, and like LTD says "if things change later, you can do something different." take this time apart for youself.
Mair
Mair
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by DetachMe9 
Just the statement of willingness to go back if we stay together, which I'm fully aware is absolute crap because it's a hollow thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
There are alot of times when I have feelings that start to interfere with what I know is true. I try, the same as you have, to reason out how things really are instead of letting emotions over-rule the facts.
A last ditch, yet halfhearted effort on his part, to win you over does not undo the past nor give any real indication of serious effort to change. I love that slogan: "Time takes time."
I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you and it must be hard to detach while living in the same space.
Take care of yourself.
A last ditch, yet halfhearted effort on his part, to win you over does not undo the past nor give any real indication of serious effort to change. I love that slogan: "Time takes time."
I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you and it must be hard to detach while living in the same space.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
I hear you and feel your pain. My STBXAH had moved out and then moved back in. (Not my decision, said he did it to spend more time with the kids) ARGH!!! He has been really a decent guy this past week and at times I wonder if I made the right decision. Then I stop and say WTF?!?!?!?!?! am I thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? All it takes is opening up my journal and reading a few pages. Or I call my sister and I am reminded of the roller coaster that "this" is. LTD is right. If he is serious then he will be there in a couple years.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Our accountant (!) gave me some very good advice on this - go through with the divorce, get whatever was "mine" protected and down the road if things changed we could always remarry. He's seen it all and was really adamant about this. 2 years later my money is safe and the idea of remarrying . . . . LOL
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I stayed with my x for a few weeks before I finally left. It wasn't easy. I tried my best not to make waves or get involved in any arguements. I feel for you.
But one morning you'll wake up and it will all be behind you.
But one morning you'll wake up and it will all be behind you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hampton Roads, VA
Posts: 68
My therapist told me "People get divorced and re-married all the time, do what you have to do now to help yourself knowing nothing has to be forever."
Do a google search for Gaslighting. That's what he's doing to you. What all A's do to the people who love them and just want a better life with a healthy person.
Give it time and see what his actions tell you about his intentions. We all know better than to trust their words and believe their hollow promises even though we still want to.
Do a google search for Gaslighting. That's what he's doing to you. What all A's do to the people who love them and just want a better life with a healthy person.
Give it time and see what his actions tell you about his intentions. We all know better than to trust their words and believe their hollow promises even though we still want to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 16
"BUT, and this would be the kicker, no movement whatsoever back to AA, therapy, a book, a friend, anything. Just the statement of willingness to go back if we stay together, which I'm fully aware is absolute crap because it's a hollow thought."
True recovery is action and doing everything possible to get sober.
True recovery is action and doing everything possible to get sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Thanks all. I'm in a much better (stronger) place today. If it weren't for SR and Al-Anon, I'd surely still be stuck in victim-land complaining about all the unfair things my AH is "doing to me" rather than taking the steps to change my life.
More power to me.
More power to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 6
Its amazing how similar so many of our situations are... after a year of the rollercoaster ride I just want off but its so hard to stay away and finding this site has helped me so much today I was going to get back with my boyfriend but Im not. Its such a wake up call!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
D9! I read your post and think omg! that's my husband! I am finally out of the house and cannot imagine being there right now going through those emotions. You are so very strong and I revel and admire your strength and bravery. My AH is now dry as well...going on 10 weeks and frankly has made many changes in his behavior for the positive as well.
BUT....he will not consider AA or any sort of support system either.
I wish I could offer words of wisdom...but I struggle myself with the moving forward process...BUT what I would like you to know is how inspirational you are for me personally as I have followed your posts and genuinely feel your pain....hugs to you and the wonderful person you are!!
BUT....he will not consider AA or any sort of support system either.
I wish I could offer words of wisdom...but I struggle myself with the moving forward process...BUT what I would like you to know is how inspirational you are for me personally as I have followed your posts and genuinely feel your pain....hugs to you and the wonderful person you are!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
