vrb

I'm just wondering what peoples stories and thoughts are about this topic.

I found out my ex-abf had several short affairs (more like 1 night stands and 1 afiiar approx 3 month thing) during his marriage
What got to me was how he spoke about them - in a very matter of fact way. Well they happened, I had the opportunity, my wife didn't state any specific restrictions blah blah blah pass the salt please.....
he had about 4-5 of these affairs during about 20 years of marriage
I asked why he hadnt done it anymore, and basically his response was lack of opportunity as you get older.

I am no longer with this guy but I have a few questions.

Is cheating a common thing amongst recovering alcoholics??

Are their patterns to this?

Do they ever get over this?

thanks

V

MsGolightly

mine cheated in recovery... but for all the reasons anvil stated above.

LaTeeDa

What kind of answer are you looking for? You want someone to say all alcoholics are also cheaters? That would be like saying all truck drivers are also golfers......................

L

freya

....well, based on the stories of the people I know, I'd have to say there are 2 things that I would guess probably make it statistically more likely for an A to cheat...the first is that fact that alcohol and most drugs lower inhibitions and the second is that, for many people, addictive behavior is not limited to one behavior or substance....so many people indulge in more than one addictive behavior at a time or indulge in many addictive behaviors serially....

...and actually, now I'm thinking of a third because when my partner relapsed (big-time dry drunk relapse involving compulsive internet usage and. eventually, affairs with people she met on-line) it really seemed to me that the people she got involved with were the kind of people whose lives and mental health were such an unbelievable mess that, even on her worst day, they would make her look good...so maybe there's a connections between really bad self-esteem and cheating, too....but, who knows, is it the low self-esteem that leads to the bad behavior or the bad behavior that leads to the low self-esteem???? You could go crazy trying to figure this stuff out...so, luckily, "Figure It Out" is not a 12 Step slogan, right????

freya

hope2bhappy

I sure hope not.

P.S. That was funny, LTD.

best

Opportunities abound at any age. He just may have gotten tired of that game is all.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Freya..I'm with you. Cheating has everything to do with low self esteem in my opinion. When I felt the lowest, that's when I did it. And usually when I felt at my lowest, I was drinking. Selfish and self centered..yup.

velma929

Well, I heard a woman who had researched the subject opine that people who have lots of friends who cheat are more likely to start cheating themselves. They start to see it as not such a big deal. Not everybody, she said, but it is a risk factor.

As I think about it, she might have a point. If one has or had multiple friends who openly talk about their flings (and some do) one could be sort of desensitized as to how bad it is.

Some sober people cheat. Some rich people, not so rich, professionals, blue collar, unemployed people, too, all races and religions, and alcoholics cheat.

steve11694

# according to addiction counselors; addiction is associated with promiscuity. my aw was in an environment (bar with many addicts, scammers, non addict scammers, etc) and the environment is simply conducive to that. I could see how low self esteem would lead to promiscuity, seeking validation and acceptance through sex.

# it is also a cultural thing. for example, in latin america, it is not taken to heart so much as in the USA.