Going to be a trying day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Going to be a trying day
Hi to all,
Today is going to be really hard for me. My xah is going to court and this is the first time that I am not going with him. I have started seperating myself from him. He came by this morning for coffee and to stay till he had to leave for court. He has been clean for about 4 months. He still has not got a job and has not been looking for one. I am worried that they are going to take to jail for lack of not paying is fines. I know there is nothing I can do for him it is his choice for not getting a job or trying to get a job. He is still playing the system.
I thought this would be easier then getting clean. I am also a recovering addict. I have been clean for over a 1 yr. That was a piece of cake compaired to this.
I just do not understand why he does not get it. He sayes he will never use again, but he is not doing the right things to stay sober. He wants money now and does not want to work for it. I feel if someone does not push him he will never get a job.
I guess I am just venting right now.
:sorry
Today is going to be really hard for me. My xah is going to court and this is the first time that I am not going with him. I have started seperating myself from him. He came by this morning for coffee and to stay till he had to leave for court. He has been clean for about 4 months. He still has not got a job and has not been looking for one. I am worried that they are going to take to jail for lack of not paying is fines. I know there is nothing I can do for him it is his choice for not getting a job or trying to get a job. He is still playing the system.
I thought this would be easier then getting clean. I am also a recovering addict. I have been clean for over a 1 yr. That was a piece of cake compaired to this.
I just do not understand why he does not get it. He sayes he will never use again, but he is not doing the right things to stay sober. He wants money now and does not want to work for it. I feel if someone does not push him he will never get a job.
I guess I am just venting right now.
:sorry
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sending hugs...You are doing the right thing, as tough as it may feel. Consequences, right? Even if the court sends him to jail, maybe that is right where he needs to be.
My loved ones who faced addictions are my kids, but I do understand how incredibly tough it is to let them face the court music on their own. But I know it made a huge difference with my daughter...A difference between more of the same and facing responsibility.
And congrats on YOUR clean time! Great stuff!
Hugs and prayers.
My loved ones who faced addictions are my kids, but I do understand how incredibly tough it is to let them face the court music on their own. But I know it made a huge difference with my daughter...A difference between more of the same and facing responsibility.
And congrats on YOUR clean time! Great stuff!
Hugs and prayers.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
((((hugs))))
You are doing the right thing. As adults, we accept the positive or negative impact of our choices - as codies and as addicts, we have to (re)learn how to do this in a healthy way! I have a hard time with this, I know what my AH should do LOL!
A friend was talking to me the other day about her young daughter and how hard she finds it at each age to let go a little more so that her daughter learns how to deal with conflict herself (between her and her friends), the consequences if she doesn't do her homework (lies to Mom she doesn't have any), etc. Each year that goes on, she has to give her a daughter a little more responsibility for her own choices so that when she becomes an adult, she will have the decision making and coping skills to deal with life in a healthy responsible way. I thought about this, and I thought about my AH off in la la land in his head, and I realized, I have to let him take full responsibility for his life and choices, he is a full adult and I am not his parent. Sometimes, as Greeteachday said, suffering a major consequence is the road to happiness. I think that probably happens more often than not.
Congrats on your own recovery! That is terrific! Take care of yourself and your recovery - you worked for it and deserve it!
You are doing the right thing. As adults, we accept the positive or negative impact of our choices - as codies and as addicts, we have to (re)learn how to do this in a healthy way! I have a hard time with this, I know what my AH should do LOL!
A friend was talking to me the other day about her young daughter and how hard she finds it at each age to let go a little more so that her daughter learns how to deal with conflict herself (between her and her friends), the consequences if she doesn't do her homework (lies to Mom she doesn't have any), etc. Each year that goes on, she has to give her a daughter a little more responsibility for her own choices so that when she becomes an adult, she will have the decision making and coping skills to deal with life in a healthy responsible way. I thought about this, and I thought about my AH off in la la land in his head, and I realized, I have to let him take full responsibility for his life and choices, he is a full adult and I am not his parent. Sometimes, as Greeteachday said, suffering a major consequence is the road to happiness. I think that probably happens more often than not.
Congrats on your own recovery! That is terrific! Take care of yourself and your recovery - you worked for it and deserve it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Thank you for the responses. I know I am doing the right thing, but it is still hard. He has been here before, but never sober. I just thought this time he was dealing with his addiction. He is an adult and he knows what is going to happen if he does not get a job, or pay his fines. At least this time I did not pay his fines to help him. I told him that it was his choice not to get real work.
All I can do is keep myself sober and not worry about what could happen to him for not getting his priorties in the right order.
It is just the waiting to get that call if he is in custody. He knows there is a chance that he could be going away for 10 years if he gets locked up this time.
I was hoping he hit the rock bottom but I guess I can do is pray for him and take it one day at a time.
All I can do is keep myself sober and not worry about what could happen to him for not getting his priorties in the right order.
It is just the waiting to get that call if he is in custody. He knows there is a chance that he could be going away for 10 years if he gets locked up this time.
I was hoping he hit the rock bottom but I guess I can do is pray for him and take it one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Greeteachday,
Sorry I got real busy, my days have gotten better. My xrah did not call me to let me know what happen. But then this weekend he stoped by on Sunday and our son asked him to stay. But he just needed some place to sleep for the day.
He was going to look for work. A friend of his mom works at some place that helps homeless people get jobs. He was to go there and let me know what came of it. He never did of course. Same cycle I help him he bails on me.
Nice man the ex is and I am so stupid to think it is ever going to change with him. I guess I am changing slowly but not as fast as I want to or I need to, but I keep a smile on face and live day to day.
Sorry I got real busy, my days have gotten better. My xrah did not call me to let me know what happen. But then this weekend he stoped by on Sunday and our son asked him to stay. But he just needed some place to sleep for the day.
He was going to look for work. A friend of his mom works at some place that helps homeless people get jobs. He was to go there and let me know what came of it. He never did of course. Same cycle I help him he bails on me.
Nice man the ex is and I am so stupid to think it is ever going to change with him. I guess I am changing slowly but not as fast as I want to or I need to, but I keep a smile on face and live day to day.
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