Giving up Control.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Giving up Control.
My sponsor tells me to 'live in the moment'....'focus on today'....I know she's right, but it's hard to give up 'my idea' of control.
I want to drill down, figure out all the 'whys' of why I drank. I want to prepare myself so that I stick with recovery and never pick up again....I want, I want, I want....
Wanting something has always kept me distracted. Once I acquire something, I focus on the next thing I want. This is my strategy for not focusing on me or today. I get to ignore the 'now' and focus on something else. Wanting and acquiring has been my 'thing' for as long as I can remember. It is another form of my addiction....trust me, it has got me into some hot water before.....because I become obssessed with the things I want and will stop at nothing to get them. Material, emotional, whatever....as long as it is something I can 'get', I want it.
Wanting and acquiring has really honed my skills of control. I love to control. I cannot rest until I feel that I am in control.
Living in the moment doesn't allow me to plot and scheme. Living in the moment doesn't allow me to redirect my thoughts and focus away from myself. Living in the moment doesn't let me practice my control.
I have 'accepted' that my way has not worked for me over the last 23 years. I have decided to put myself into the hands of my sponsor and follow her direction...without question...???? well....that's a bit hard. LOL But I intend to follow her quidance. If that means 'living in the moment', than I will TRY my best to do that.
Giving up control is going to be very difficult, but I think maybe the need for control has been one of the things that has kept me so sick.
I want to drill down, figure out all the 'whys' of why I drank. I want to prepare myself so that I stick with recovery and never pick up again....I want, I want, I want....
Wanting something has always kept me distracted. Once I acquire something, I focus on the next thing I want. This is my strategy for not focusing on me or today. I get to ignore the 'now' and focus on something else. Wanting and acquiring has been my 'thing' for as long as I can remember. It is another form of my addiction....trust me, it has got me into some hot water before.....because I become obssessed with the things I want and will stop at nothing to get them. Material, emotional, whatever....as long as it is something I can 'get', I want it.
Wanting and acquiring has really honed my skills of control. I love to control. I cannot rest until I feel that I am in control.
Living in the moment doesn't allow me to plot and scheme. Living in the moment doesn't allow me to redirect my thoughts and focus away from myself. Living in the moment doesn't let me practice my control.
I have 'accepted' that my way has not worked for me over the last 23 years. I have decided to put myself into the hands of my sponsor and follow her direction...without question...???? well....that's a bit hard. LOL But I intend to follow her quidance. If that means 'living in the moment', than I will TRY my best to do that.
Giving up control is going to be very difficult, but I think maybe the need for control has been one of the things that has kept me so sick.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
You might want to try thinking about *why* control means so much to you...
Its great that you recognize that in yourself, and you've done a good job of describing some of the results of it -- the wanting, the acquiring, the "...if its there then *I* want it too..." thing... "why, why why?!?!?!"
Have you considered the "why" of the control issues that are inside of you? Having a better understanding of that might help you deal with it more effectively.
I'm guessing that at the heart of it is fear...
So what are you afraid of?
...I cannot rest until I feel that I am in control...
...Giving up control is going to be very difficult...
...Giving up control is going to be very difficult...
Have you considered the "why" of the control issues that are inside of you? Having a better understanding of that might help you deal with it more effectively.
I'm guessing that at the heart of it is fear...
So what are you afraid of?
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Hey GT;
Excellent question....why do I need to control. Fear and control go back a LONG ways. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I was the eldest of three and was put in charge by my absent father. My mothers drinking wasn't to be mentioned...even when we had to walk overtop of her cause she was passed out, face down in the foyer of our home. I started controlling a long time ago. At a very young age I had to control our home environment to have some semblance of normality. I guess it was soothing to be able to have things they way I liked.
Good questions...certainly deserves lots of thought.
Excellent question....why do I need to control. Fear and control go back a LONG ways. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I was the eldest of three and was put in charge by my absent father. My mothers drinking wasn't to be mentioned...even when we had to walk overtop of her cause she was passed out, face down in the foyer of our home. I started controlling a long time ago. At a very young age I had to control our home environment to have some semblance of normality. I guess it was soothing to be able to have things they way I liked.
Good questions...certainly deserves lots of thought.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
So perhaps its something you were simply conditioned to? The "fear" was instilled in you...
...I grew up with an alcoholic mother...
...which probably produced a lot of instability and provided for an inconsistant environment... Her behavior had no rhyme or reason to it -- it made no sense and an incomprehensible world is a scary thing, especially when we're talking about your very own home... your very own parents... Well, one way to achieve stability is to *assert* "order onto chaos", to "project onto the environment" rather than seeing what is actually there. That way you "establish some anchors" rather than float around scared in the fog of the unknown.
...I was the eldest of three and was put in charge by my absent father...
...something which no kid should have to go through... By definition, there simply isn't enough life-experience there to handle it... I think the tendancy is to urgently and desperately find something -- *anything* -- which works for the moment, and then try to apply that same thing to every situation which occurs... and the more ill-suited the "solution" the harder and more aggressively its applied... The alternative is to return to the desperation of urgently seeking another "solution"... "...This worked before -- I'll *make* it work again... if you don't agree then *that* is why it isn't working -- *you* are the problem..."
...My mothers drinking wasn't to be mentioned...even when we had to walk overtop of her cause she was passed out, face down in the foyer of our home...
...that insidious "secrecy" thing again... You were *required* to NOT face reality. Instead you were required to subscribe to and participate in a "manufactured reality", the "official story" asserted onto the facts... The emperor had no clothes and you were punished if you noticed it.
Just my two cents... for you see, I have some experience with "control freak issues" and "wishful thinking" myself... You are not alone.
The good news is that you're an adult now. You can overcome this.
...I grew up with an alcoholic mother...
...which probably produced a lot of instability and provided for an inconsistant environment... Her behavior had no rhyme or reason to it -- it made no sense and an incomprehensible world is a scary thing, especially when we're talking about your very own home... your very own parents... Well, one way to achieve stability is to *assert* "order onto chaos", to "project onto the environment" rather than seeing what is actually there. That way you "establish some anchors" rather than float around scared in the fog of the unknown.
...I was the eldest of three and was put in charge by my absent father...
...something which no kid should have to go through... By definition, there simply isn't enough life-experience there to handle it... I think the tendancy is to urgently and desperately find something -- *anything* -- which works for the moment, and then try to apply that same thing to every situation which occurs... and the more ill-suited the "solution" the harder and more aggressively its applied... The alternative is to return to the desperation of urgently seeking another "solution"... "...This worked before -- I'll *make* it work again... if you don't agree then *that* is why it isn't working -- *you* are the problem..."
...My mothers drinking wasn't to be mentioned...even when we had to walk overtop of her cause she was passed out, face down in the foyer of our home...
...that insidious "secrecy" thing again... You were *required* to NOT face reality. Instead you were required to subscribe to and participate in a "manufactured reality", the "official story" asserted onto the facts... The emperor had no clothes and you were punished if you noticed it.
Just my two cents... for you see, I have some experience with "control freak issues" and "wishful thinking" myself... You are not alone.
The good news is that you're an adult now. You can overcome this.
Pickachu...I choose YOU!
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: raleigh nc
Posts: 84
Good reading for another "control" queen! Not the same reasons as Tay, but still, bottom line is "I *have* to be in control.
Thanks for posting this Tay, and thanks to yall for responding with good advice!
Thanks for posting this Tay, and thanks to yall for responding with good advice!
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