Did I overreact to a situation?

Old 02-21-2008, 06:27 AM
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Unhappy Did I overreact to a situation?

I have posted here a few times about my abf, we've been off and on, etc. He can be controlling, verbally abusive, plus all the typical addict behaviors. Not to the extreme, he can also be very loving, kind, responsible. Anyway, about a month ago, maybe, I kicked him out as I heard he was hitting on a girl, and no doubt in my mind he would have cheated. Well I made real progress as far as packing all his things and taking them to his mom's, etc, working on me. But I didn't cut out the contact all together, so long story short he was sorry, gonna try and quit again, blah blah and I took him back. I have strong codependency issues, but really am trying to work on them. It's hard, with him there, ya know?

Well the last few weeks have been rough, we haven't been getting along well, he hasn't taken any real steps towards recovery, we fight about kids, money, etc. He isn't working at all, and I won't buy beer for him so he hasn't been able to drink much at all. So he's grouchy, plus I'm grouchy back, I have a lot of resentment/anger/distrust towards him.

Well yesterday I find out that he is "fishing" with his uncle (who is an alcoholic, supplies beer as much as Chris wants) and also his cousin, who is the husband of the girl who said Chris was hitting on. So I was so mad and angry, and called his uncle's cell phone and asked if Chris was with him. He said no, so I told him to tell Chris when he sees him not to bother coming home, then I call his cousin's cell phone and he was with Chris so I tell Chris I'm tired of him taking off so he can drink, etc. His defense was that he left a note, which he did, it said "gone fishing, be back at dark, love Chris". I will admit that on my part, it's a control thing, plus I don't trust him, plus I knew he was with Clayton....who's wife he had just hit on. But at the same time, it's like...."here we go again". He's testing me, to see what I will put up with, and then it will get worse. I don't know, I told him not to bother coming home, so then he calls me a couple more times, just to say he's tired of me kicking him out (I do threaten with that all the time). Then the last time he called he wouldn't tell me where he had been or where he was going. I don't know, I kind of feel like I overreacted I mean he did leave a note and his cousin said they were fishing, but I knew he was drinking and if he is going to be with his cousin then no doubt he will be around his wife again and if she made that stuff up why would he want to be around them? I don't know, he will always go to where the beer is, and he knows I won't buy it.

I don't know, I'm just sad this morning, upset with myself that I let my codependency get the best of me yet again, I know I acted like that because I felt like the situation was out of my control. He really didn't do anything "wrong" (besides drinking) but I triggered a lot of other feelings. I feel like I strongly overreacted and could have handled it differently other than telling him he couldn't come home and that I was done....and don't even really mean that. This is so hard! Alcohol addiction sucks! So does codependency!
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Old 02-21-2008, 07:15 AM
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It looks to me like you see it all very clearly. I think you answered your question.

That is what I love about SR and what is so great about typing and posting.

You see it now! That is huge!

You know that saying that floats around SR...."When your going through hell....keep going." The more you "see" the more you will "change".

Good for you on "seeing" yourself!
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Old 02-21-2008, 07:46 AM
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It does not sound to me like an over reaction... because you KNOW him, and you KNOw what is really going on.. not just fishing.
BUt, If you feel like you overstepped.. just forgive yourself, admit it ONCE, and move on. Try better next time. keep moving.
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Old 02-21-2008, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11 View Post
Anyway, about a month ago, maybe, I kicked him out as I heard he was hitting on a girl, and no doubt in my mind he would have cheated. Well I made real progress as far as packing all his things and taking them to his mom's, etc, working on me. But I didn't cut out the contact all together,
I got so tied up in someone else I didn't see that packing all HIS things wasn't MY progress. Yep, pack his things and then re-established contact - I was very consistent in my resolve.

I got off the merry-go-round and started to see my own insanity.
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Old 02-21-2008, 09:09 AM
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Your story could be my story. I went round and round with my xabf about things like this. The only difference is I don't know if he's ever hit on another woman or cheated. It's really neither here nor there at this point.

Don't beat yourself up for your reaction! I would have done the same thing. Next time it happens, you have the chance to react differently. From my experience continuing getting upset only gives the A the chaos and drama they need. They keep you in their bad place for as long as they can.

They will drive you crazy if you let them! I would try not to give him that power again in the same type of situtation.
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Old 02-21-2008, 09:45 AM
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I did something very similar to this not long ago, the link to my post about it is below.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-healing.html

I know exactly where your coming from. Right now, what was said was said. You cannot turn back the clock so you've got to forgive yourself. Recovering from codependancy or anything else is not a nice straight up and up line, it bumps up and down all the time, but generally keeps its momentum upward. Don't let things bring you down. We all have slip ups and it ok, we're human after all.

So you have a choice now, you can either go back to your partner and admit you have a problem with codependency and that you had a slip because you were consumed by your fears and share what those are with him, or follow through on what you said, and have him move out. I chose the first option as I didn't feel that I truely wanted my abf to go, a big part of that was because I know I am not ready. I fear being alone, big time. I just knew I wasn't strong enough in myself to take that step.

Above all though, don't beat yourself up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on moving forward.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 02-21-2008, 10:32 AM
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Sounds like you are aware of and working on your own issues. Keep this up! You are human, however, and we all make mistakes. Someone else here I think recommended you forgive yourself, and move on.

I made a mistake the other night, and did not listen to my AH when he told me several times that this was not a good time to talk. But I continued. I knew it was wrong of me at the time, but I chose not to stop myself. I apologized to him, forgave myself, and I'm moving on.

I think it's a big step to be aware, to admit, and to work on finding ways to better ourselves/our communication with others.

Give yourself credit for being here, asking for advice and wanting to change.



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Old 02-21-2008, 10:48 AM
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Thanks, Lily, and to all for responding. I did read your other post and it was helpful. I don't know what will happen now, more than likely my "punishment" for "kicking him out" will be he will disappear for several days, then call and give the act that he is done with me, it's a game, and we both play it.

I guess when he calls (and he will call), I will just apologize for the way I acted, own up to why I acted that way. None of which will matter much to him anyway, he will see it as a betrayal, and will take my apology as a way to control me anyway. It would be nice for him to respond to my apology by saying, "you know what, I haven't earned your trust and will try harder on that also", but he won't. I've come to know not to expect anything like that as I will only get let down.
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Old 02-21-2008, 11:55 AM
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what are you doing for yourself about your codependency?

alanon?

works for me!
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Old 02-22-2008, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11 View Post
...I don't know what will happen now, more than likely my "punishment" for "kicking him out" will be he will disappear for several days, then call and give the act that he is done with me, it's a game, and we both play it.

I guess when he calls (and he will call), I will just apologize for the way I acted, own up to why I acted that way. None of which will matter much to him anyway, he will see it as a betrayal, and will take my apology as a way to control me anyway. It would be nice for him to respond to my apology by saying, "you know what, I haven't earned your trust and will try harder on that also", but he won't. I've come to know not to expect anything like that as I will only get let down.
Don't allow yourself to feel guilt or allow him to lay blame, these are unhealthy responses. I don't feel it is about ''apologising'', more that you are admitting to a lapse in judgement, which we all do from time to time, even none codies! Admitting this, you are progressing in your recovery by coming to realisations about yourself. Whether he decides to support you or use it as a tool against you is up to him, but that is out of your hands. He may well decide to use this new information as a weapon against you (my abf often is supportive, but at a later date will throw it back in my face) but this is him trying to manipulate and control you. At that point, I have found it beneficial to detach, and keep calm, not to fall into an arguement or hurt feelings and realise this is him ''falling apart'' and using whatever he can to win his arguement. I often then just say things like ''I see you are out of logical responses and resorting to insults and bully tactics'', then walk away.

Good luck to you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 02-22-2008, 05:01 AM
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Thanks again, Lily. And you know what, I really have been beating myself up over my "relapse" in my codependency, and I think I am done with doing that now. Still no word from Chris, but I heard he's hanging out with some of his friends (who are drinkers and druggies), which is really no surprise. I messed up, I did, and I can only grow from that, I can't take it back. I guess another hard part for me is blaming myself for him taking off like that. He probably wouldn't have done that if I hadn't had the reaction that I did, but on the other hand, he could have went to his mom's to stay, and been a little more responsible. I don't know, here I go focusing all on him again. All I did was give him an excuse at that moment, in his eyes, to go on a 3 day binge. But if I hadn't done that, he would have eventually done it anyway, so either way....both of us need to own up to our own behaviors.
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Old 02-22-2008, 05:57 AM
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My exA found all sorts of excuses to go off on a bender. The last three before I said no more: Went to an anniversary party with my mother and sister for dear friends (left him alone for the day, took daughter to a soccer competition (left him alone for the afternoon) and the last one--went to the fabric store (left him alone for the hour). They don't NEED an excuse to go off binging, Soconfused. They drink because they are happy, sad, successful, despondent, it doesn't matter. THEY DRINK. It really has nothing to do with what you do or don't do, sweetie. The first step you can do is realize you are not causing the drinking, any time or for any reason. You are powerless over his choices, his alcoholism, his life. The only one you have any control over is YOU. It's really quite releasing to finally admit this, once you get over the finality of realizing he truly is an alcoholic and is never going to NOT be one again.
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Old 02-22-2008, 06:22 AM
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But one thing I'm trying to understand and figure out....the last time he left, he is the one that triggered that whole thing, (as opposed to me being mean or a nag or whatever)....now that was a whole lot easier for me to deal with, I mean I was hurt, but I was stronger I guess because he messed up? I don't know, is it bad that I liked it better when he screwed up instead of me? I don't know, I probably sound so ridiculous right now.....
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Old 02-22-2008, 06:26 AM
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Blame doesn't matter and is counterproductive as I see it. You acted as you did. He acted as he did. It is what it is. The important part is being able to examine your own thoughts and actions and making changes where you see them as being necessary in yourself.
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