SpaceDementia

This is my first post on this forum. This Saturday past I consumed my final dose of methadone. I am fairly sick at present though I've experienced worse. I have tried to post on here everyday but have either given up after a minute, taken so long and written so much that the server automatically logged me off as I tried to post, or had to quit so that I could cry and feel hopeless. My mind is so scattered so I'm having trouble with linear thought.
I awoke this morning at 3 after having had 45 minutes of "sleep". At four I got in my car to drive to the methadone clinic so that I could end this, this, extreme suckiness to put in mildly. It was very cold so I just sat a moment, waiting for the seat warmers to start roasting my butt, and zoning out staring at the Xenon light reflecting off my neighbor's car.
I started to drive but not towards the clinic. I drove the opposite direction until I was sure that I would miss the 5am intake appointment. In my mind I was torn. Half was urging my hands to steer towards the clinic while the other half screamed that if I could make it to day four I could make to day 5. Of course I was slightly regretting my decision a few hours later while getting ready for work. Opiate withdrawal and work just don't mix well. The day sucked, quite thoroughly at that. But, I made it and I have day 5, which will surely suck even more, to look forward to.

"I had a nightmare that I was loved for who I am and missed the opportunity to be a better man."

Anna

Welcome!

I'm glad you're getting through this and I hope that tomorrow is better for you.

adore79

*hugs* and love to you. :ghug3

Aysha

Welcome to SR.
Getting better even when you feel like your sick as hell does really suck.
It does get better.
Hope you feel better.

Hope

Hang in there. There is hope.
The withdrawals will pass....
I know it sucks when you are going through it but you'll be glad when those WDs are over and you're on the way to a much better life without substances.

GreenTea

SD welcome to SR! ... You found a good place!

You CAN get through this, and it IS only temporary... What you're feeling now is not permanent, and once its behind you, you NEVER have to feel this way again... Not ever again, not if you don't want to... Hang on to that thought...

Write down what you're experiencing... Keep a log, or a journal... Write down all the horrible, awful feelings and sickness you're going through now... It will help you later when this passes and you start to think, "well, maybe that wasn't so bad afterall"... It'll help you from relapsing later...

There's a quote from the mini-series "The Tin Man" that I think fits here... "Until this wears off, you're just going to have to hurt for a while".

The good news is that it will wear off... You CAN get through this.

You are not alone!

serenityqueen

You were in a MMT Program I assume. Did you slowly detox or just stop, cold turkey? I have been in a MMT Program for 2 1/2 years and for me, that is one part of the Program that has helped me in my Recovery. I used for 32 years and had gotten Clean many times but the physical Post Accute Withdrawls were too great. As I stated, for me the Methadone is only a small part of my Program that is working for me. May I ask why you took your final dose? I know several people who detoxed over a 6 month period, slowly from Methadone with very little problems, if any. Hang in there and know, that no matter what, this too shall pass.

SpaceDementia

I was in a MMT Program for 17 months the first time, tapering down to 7mg with no problems. I couldn't rationlize giving the clinic $90 a week for $.10 worth of medicine so I quit. I also quit taking 337.5mg of Effexor XR at the exact same time. I came close to ending my life that week and honestly wish that I had. An illicit source of methadone was found and I went back to taking 10-15mg a day. After a period of time that ran out and I went back to MMT program. I had to swallow my pride on that one. I stayed at 30 mg until this past October when I quit again in favor of a more convenient illicit source. That source was cut off this past Saturday.
A month ago I tried switching to buprenorphine but I found the drug to be useless. I still have 30 8mg sub-linguals. I tried taking 24mg yesterday but it did nothing. I am going to try them again this morning. I'm losing it. I haven't slept for more than 2.5 hours a night this week. I'm having to come up with excuses at work as to why I'm pale, unable to speak well, sweating, in the bathroom every 30 minutes....
I fail to see the point in this. I saw my first psychiatrist when I was 7. Was depressed constantly until I discovered drugs. Marijuana worked at first. So did LSD. Cocaine and speed I never cared for. My brain chemistry changed and I couldn't tolerate THC or LSD anymore when I discovered opiates. With a secret opiate addiction I got my life on track. Did well at university, had great friends, traveled, found that I could live without depression. 3-4 years ago when my tolerance finally became too high, I told my best friend, my girlfriend of three years, everyone else that I cared for. Girlfriend left me, lying by omission didn't sit well with her. My best friend as well. I started the MMT program and with in two months I was living alone, working a different job, no longer at university, and utterly alone. I haven't been out with another person since. The methadone kept me "clean" but made me numb. I loved that numbness.
---I have to go get ready for work.....

RK2007

Well done for not giving in, you're doing great - and who knows, if you keep this up you might never have to go through day 5 ever again!!!

This forum is so inspiring because not a day goes by on here where I don't get amazed at people's individual courage as they fight their personal demons and you're just another example of that...

We're all routing for you - keep up the good work, one day at a time!!!

indigo

Welcome to SR lots of support and love here.

SpaceDementia

I will be damned. A month ago I was excited about switching from methadone to buprenorphine. I quit taking methadone for two days so that I would be in withdrawal when I saw the doctor. She wrote me a script and gave me dosing suggestions. I took Subutex for a week and found it to be absolutely worthless. I went back to methadone.
As I mentioned I have some Subutex left and I tried taking some on Monday and then again yesterday. I was ready for relief but once again the drug was worthless. It didn't make the slightest bit of difference.
This morning I was thinking about trying to find some short acting opiate to lessen the withdrawal. I didn't have the energy plus I couldn't keep out of the bathroom long enough. I figured what the hell? Might as well try the Subutex again. I placed the tabs under my tongue and stumbled into the shower. By the time I was done getting dressed I felt 75% better. I felt like I could actually eat something which is important to me. I'm hypoglycemic and since I've eaten hardly anything since Sunday I was struggling with my blood sugar being way too low.
I counted how many Subutex tabs I have left and have created a dosing/tapering schedule for myself. I was happy that it only provided some relief and not total relief. The Subutex didn't give me the slightest buzz it merely removed some of my worst withdrawal symptoms. My back still aches and I'm still getting the occasional hot/cold flash but that I can deal with. I wish like hell I could take something for my back but I am limited in that capacity. I have a form of hemophilia so I can't take any NSAIDs, like aspirin or ibuprofen. Acetaminophen is worthless in my opinion.

"Land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy!"

warrens

Oh Man. I haven't a clue what you are going through and what it must take.

My only, ignorant, suggestion? Keep writing. You express very well. Expressing well means that you are thinking more clearly than you might realize. Don't give it up. It occupies the synapses, most all of them. It takes cognitve, visual, motor, autonomic, organizational, effort.

Your mind is working, I can tell that. Your decision to drive in the opposite direction demonstrates that your rational, decision making self is quite intact.

I have no personal experience with opiates; how long the withdrawal is, what it's like 6 months down the road.

I suggest that if you are writing, even drivel, write TO someone. Journaling is great, but it is masturbatory (to me) in a way. I've become quite adept at lying to myself, deluding myself, crying in my beer, so to speak. Although quite new here, I'm finding it rather impossible and counterproductive to lie.

I'm hoping that this is good advice. That keeping those synapses firing full tilt boogie, doing something worthwhile, might just ease the pain that is there when the mind is vacant.

If my advice is bad, I'm sure other, more experienced members will correct it.

Peace and serenity

warrens

beckybeagle

Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out for you. I am newbie here myself.
You should give your self "thumbs up" for the courage to overcome what's bothering you and your life. Many Hugs.
(I just fell off the wagon heheheh. I don't see it failure or don't criticize myself as a naive minded. I know it's going to be a long journey. There would be times I fall down, hopefully not too often)

* Quick tip on posting: If you have problem with server, type in a word doc first, then copy & past it. You won't be wasting all that time and energy to write a post. :ghug2

GreenTea

SD, consider...

For what's its worth, I think this is at the heart of the issue...

I can relate to "loving the numbness". There's an old saying, "You have to take the good with the bad". I know for me its true that I wanted to numb the bad and constantly revel in the "good".

Part of my recovery includes a willingness to face the bad feelings... physical, emotional, mental, whatever... face them... explore them... *own* them and make them mine instead of trying to avoid them. The feelings *will* demand to be processed no matter how much we try to quiet them.

This isn't always an easy thing to do. For some of us it can be very difficult and painful indeed. But I think that facing it is necessary. Like most any other chore in life, the more you run from it the worse it becomes.

Have you ever seen an injured dog? ... His leg might be hurting very badly and he might be in a lot of physical pain... but he'll *take* the pain, accept it, and try to find a way to live with it anyway... and he won't let it stop him from licking your face.

The good news is that as you heal and get better, the pain starts to go away. But you have to "make a stand" with it first... Sure it hurts -- and it can hurt very badly -- but its not permanent... The roughest part of the ride is at the beginning.

You are not alone.

SpaceDementia

Warrens, BeckyBeagle, and GreenTea, I greatly appreciate your comments. I appreciate everyones comments for that matter.
As human beings we all perceive reality a bit differently. Most people that I've encountered in my life seem to except the world in front of them. They watch the news, are taught from textbooks, go to church, and watch TV and seldom if ever question the integrity or motives behind the words they hear or read. They don't appear too concerned with the bigger picture. I, on the other hand, have devoted the majority of my life trying to figure out why we are the way we are.
For example: A great many of us, particularly Americans, suffer from an amazing assortment of psychological illnesses. Some, like schizophrenia, are clearly organic in nature; something is physically or biochemically wrong with the brain. As for most of the others, well, I feel they are a result of our misperception of reality and/or social learning. I had a girlfriend that was ADD. She took prescribed amphetamines for this. After meeting her mother it seemed obvious that my girlfriend was emulating her mother's behavior. Often there is little that we can do to prevent ending up like our parents in one way or another. They're the people that you spend most of your time with during your youth. Mom is bouncing from one subject to the next, blinking her eyes quickly, giving big smiles trying to be cute. What is my girlfriend often doing? Those exact same things. Yes the amphetamines helped her concentrate but damn it, amphetamines help EVERYONE concentrate and be productive. How did the Nazis conquer Europe so quickly? How did US pilots manage to fly 20 hours a day in the Pacific theater? WITH AMPHETAMINES!
In addition to social learning I also wonder about television. We Americans LOVE our television. We love staring at the flashing colors while corporations program us to buy their products. Generally you will pay close attention for seven or eight minutes at a time while a program is playing. And, as the commercials start, you kind of zone out a little bit. After three to five minutes the program comes on and you zone back in.
--I just realized that I could go on and on with my ramblings and turn this into an essay. In summation let me say that behind much of what we see, what we feel, or even how we behave is American society. We are a product of what part of our society we have been exposed to, what we have perceived. 2-4% of the population controls 96-98% of the wealth. It is in the extreme minority's interest for us to feel poorly, or to desire. How else will they make there billions?
Finally, I love how the majority of Americans don't mind the fact that we are supporting an industrial-military complex. Who cares if there are people going hungry? Who cares if we don't have proper health care? Who cares if our schools suck and are churning out moron after moron? People just except and don't question. I question everything and the facts that I have learned over the years about how society really operates are enough to make anyone turn to drugs or be depressed.

SpaceDementia

If you have two hours to spare I encourage you to watch this video. The first 7-8 minutes are just music and graphics. Stay with it though. After that very long intro comes the story. You will probably disagree with parts or even all of it. If that's the case I still encourage you to watch it. I'm not stating that everything in the video is true but if even one topic covered is true, well.....

video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5547481422995115331&q=Zeitgeist&to tal=4174&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

reed

When I was using amphetamines I got a lot of sh*t done.

warrens

SD

Why not an essay? You have a tremendous understanding of yourself and others and, like me, have a long way to go until the knowledge is complete. Like Ben Franklin and his kite, and thomas Edison and his bulb, why not put your perceptions to the true test-the scrutiny of yourself and others?

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'd be willing to bet you know JUST A LITTLE BIT more about yourself, after writing what you just did. And we know a little bit more about you, too. As Martha says (ugh) "That's a very good thing."

A comment: while I agree with at least some of what you say regarding America, etc, WTF does that have to do with where you and I are today? Neither you nor I were born into slavery, thank god. Like many I began drinking in college, surrounded by beer adverstising paraphenalia. Signs, clothes, you name it. A culture that promoted it 40 years ago. That culture of beer and drinking, if anything, thrives more today than it did then.

My first time around I attributed my drinking to both a doomed marriage and a job beyond stressful. A school principal with 550 students, 70 staff, a 70 hour work week. Then I came home to a dysfunctional relationship. I deserved to get drunk, no?

I agree that we live in a dysfunctional, unfair society. If that is true, do you want to be a victim or a survivor? I wanted to survive, so I quit my job of 12 years and my marriage of 30 years. Beer still got me by the *alls as I was recovering from the loss of both. Do I blame that? I can't. I want to survive.

Keep your eyes on the prize, SD, change the world second and yourself first. You'll make more of an impact that way.

BTW, I will read anything you write!

warrens

Live

Warrens,

an interesting post you have there. I hardly know what to comment on or whether to keep my mouth shut!?
I did not own a tv for 10 yrs. I married, spouse needed tv, but watched with headphones.
New studies show that young children should NEVER watch tv. There goes the great American babysitter! LOL

Studies show that those who apprehend reality most clearly are more often depressed.

I am most interested in the breakthrough studies of neurobiology in regards to some of these matters.

This is a drug recovery forum, so I bow out now.

When I have time I will view your link. I also have a couple I would like to share with you.

SpaceDementia

liveweyerd, the link I posted might be a bit much but it's still entertaining. Share away, I'm always interested in new things.