My husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
My husband
Hi Everyone,
My husband of 10+ years is going into detox for pain medications, after he goes thru another surgery in less than two weeks. Luckily, he's only used the medication when he's had major surgeries. He doesn't seek after he goes through the in-patient detox. There was one time however, when he did use alcohol to deal with sleeping problems. That only lasted for two months and now he hasn't had a drink in nine years, thankfully.
A short while ago today, he confessed that he found where I hid his meds and he took more than he was supposed to for a few days. I was incredibly, irrationally angry with him. I understand the addiction from an intellectual standpoint, but emotionally, I can't deal. I nearly shut off to protect myself from getting hurt again and yelled at him - A LOT. I finally calmed down, only to start crying and feeling sick to my tummy (While at work). I know it's hard for him, but it's hard on me, too! I'm tired of feeling guilty of feeling like I need a break or that I need some help. I have to put up with people at work asking how HE is all the time, when I'm obviously unraveling. I can't be strong all the time.
I don't plan on leaving him, because without the meds, he's fine. And I know he'd be there for me if the tables were turned. I've read things about how addicts only care about their drug of choice. I don't see that in him. He still cares very much about what I'm doing/thinking/whatever, even today. I haven't been pushed away and replaced with the medication. It's just knowing that the time will come again when he'll need the meds again and getting through the next few weeks without having my own mental and physical breakdown. I want to be better to not only take care of myself but to also take care of him. I don't know where to start. Therapy ain't my cup o' tea.
I'm just looking for support through this time. And I hope I can help others as well! I'm an only child with just my mom left, my friends(?) are always too busy. His family/friends are not bothered by what he's been dealing with. So it's been very lonely and difficult. I've never reached out before. It was always "our" problem to face. I'm kinda tired of that.
Thanks for reading. It helps to write it out.
My husband of 10+ years is going into detox for pain medications, after he goes thru another surgery in less than two weeks. Luckily, he's only used the medication when he's had major surgeries. He doesn't seek after he goes through the in-patient detox. There was one time however, when he did use alcohol to deal with sleeping problems. That only lasted for two months and now he hasn't had a drink in nine years, thankfully.
A short while ago today, he confessed that he found where I hid his meds and he took more than he was supposed to for a few days. I was incredibly, irrationally angry with him. I understand the addiction from an intellectual standpoint, but emotionally, I can't deal. I nearly shut off to protect myself from getting hurt again and yelled at him - A LOT. I finally calmed down, only to start crying and feeling sick to my tummy (While at work). I know it's hard for him, but it's hard on me, too! I'm tired of feeling guilty of feeling like I need a break or that I need some help. I have to put up with people at work asking how HE is all the time, when I'm obviously unraveling. I can't be strong all the time.
I don't plan on leaving him, because without the meds, he's fine. And I know he'd be there for me if the tables were turned. I've read things about how addicts only care about their drug of choice. I don't see that in him. He still cares very much about what I'm doing/thinking/whatever, even today. I haven't been pushed away and replaced with the medication. It's just knowing that the time will come again when he'll need the meds again and getting through the next few weeks without having my own mental and physical breakdown. I want to be better to not only take care of myself but to also take care of him. I don't know where to start. Therapy ain't my cup o' tea.
I'm just looking for support through this time. And I hope I can help others as well! I'm an only child with just my mom left, my friends(?) are always too busy. His family/friends are not bothered by what he's been dealing with. So it's been very lonely and difficult. I've never reached out before. It was always "our" problem to face. I'm kinda tired of that.
Thanks for reading. It helps to write it out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Wow. You are going through a tough time. You say you dont know where to start. Have you considered an alanon meeting? It has helped me greatly and many others. Also just reading your post another thing I would suggest is that you think about your boundaries - what you will and will not tolerate in the bahavior of your husband and what YOU will do to take very good care of yourself. you deserve to live happy and free. Keep posting here!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
Thank you for the suggestion, Jehnifer. I hope things are well with you.
I've done Al-Anon before in the past and it didn't work well for me. I'm open to other groups/self-help or ideas.
I've been thinking about my boundaries a lot lately. It's hard tho', because of his medical problems, I have to take care of him from complications from his last three surgeries. He also has other things going on at the same time and has difficulty walking. I've become his caretaker, basically. I know that sort of role does have a tendency to be a boundary killer. He knows what his boundaries with me are - But the medical issue makes him rely on me a lot because he can't get around well and is in a ton of pain. Normally, he'd be doing a lot of work around the house and helping me out.
My job and commute keep me away from home for over 12 hrs each day. I get home between 8:15 and 9:30 pm. When I'm home, I have to take care of him, the house, pets and whatever else needs me. I get too tired and burnt out to do anything I like to do. Throw the addiction on top of it, and I go beserk.
Recently, I started to exercise again. I'm trying to incorporate self-care but at this time, it's still not enough - I want to relax or go somewhere fun - Not go to a hospital, doctors or pharmacies. I think that's why my temper is so short fused lately. That's why I'm having trouble coping. I'm so stretched out that I can't feel normal anymore.
I've done Al-Anon before in the past and it didn't work well for me. I'm open to other groups/self-help or ideas.
I've been thinking about my boundaries a lot lately. It's hard tho', because of his medical problems, I have to take care of him from complications from his last three surgeries. He also has other things going on at the same time and has difficulty walking. I've become his caretaker, basically. I know that sort of role does have a tendency to be a boundary killer.
He knows what his boundaries with me are - But the medical issue makes him rely on me a lot because he can't get around well and is in a ton of pain. Normally, he'd be doing a lot of work around the house and helping me out.My job and commute keep me away from home for over 12 hrs each day. I get home between 8:15 and 9:30 pm. When I'm home, I have to take care of him, the house, pets and whatever else needs me. I get too tired and burnt out to do anything I like to do. Throw the addiction on top of it, and I go beserk.
Recently, I started to exercise again. I'm trying to incorporate self-care but at this time, it's still not enough - I want to relax or go somewhere fun - Not go to a hospital, doctors or pharmacies. I think that's why my temper is so short fused lately. That's why I'm having trouble coping. I'm so stretched out that I can't feel normal anymore.
Last edited by poppoe; 02-20-2008 at 03:23 PM. Reason: misspelled word
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Poppoe, it sounds like you have a full plate and maybe it's time to get some help so you can have a break. Just taking a day for yourself might do you the world of good.
I hope he is feeling better soon and can let go of the meds again. Don't worry, this won't last forever, but remember you are entitled to your space and time.
Hugs
I hope he is feeling better soon and can let go of the meds again. Don't worry, this won't last forever, but remember you are entitled to your space and time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Virginia gal
Posts: 132
poppoe, girl I know exactly how you are feeling. Sweetie, it is stress. You need to take a day. My husband has had both legs taken off in the last two years. But his health problems have been going on for 5. We have only been married for 10. Everything, I mean everything is on my shoulders. I work full time, have AD, two grandchildren, a house to take care and have to wait on husband hand and foot. I finally broke down and went to doctor with heart palpations. Stress!!!!! I made up my mind right then that I had to take a day just for me. He will survive for few hours. And it has made such a difference. I feel no guilt, if I don't survive then I cannot take care of anyone. If your husband can't be alone call someone in his family to stay with him or a baby sitter. You have to take time for yourself.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Poppoe))
Your body and your mind are both screaming at you. They are trying to tell you that you are almost at a breaking point. They need some attention, and they really need it right now. Your plate is so full, you have no room or time for yourself and it will destroy you. I can almost hear a cyber voice right now, saying I just don't have time, I have too much to do.
So what happens when you work and worry yourself into an early grave? Who will take care of things then? If you don't take care of yourself first, then eventually you can't take care of anyone. You need some you time. Even if only for a day, or an hour. If something doesn't get done, or you miss a day of work, what happens? The world will not come to a end if you take a day for yourself and only yourself. You deserve that, you need that. And only you can make that happen.
Sending Hugs and Prayers
B
Your body and your mind are both screaming at you. They are trying to tell you that you are almost at a breaking point. They need some attention, and they really need it right now. Your plate is so full, you have no room or time for yourself and it will destroy you. I can almost hear a cyber voice right now, saying I just don't have time, I have too much to do.
So what happens when you work and worry yourself into an early grave? Who will take care of things then? If you don't take care of yourself first, then eventually you can't take care of anyone. You need some you time. Even if only for a day, or an hour. If something doesn't get done, or you miss a day of work, what happens? The world will not come to a end if you take a day for yourself and only yourself. You deserve that, you need that. And only you can make that happen.
Sending Hugs and Prayers
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
((Painter)) - Dear Lord! I feel like a total dorky whiner compared to what you are handling. My heart goes out to you and your husband!!! I don't know how you manage it all.
I guess the toughest part is to not feel guilty. Painter, how do you get yourself to not feel guilty about spending time for yourself? I feel guilty all the time that I don't do enough.
I guess the toughest part is to not feel guilty. Painter, how do you get yourself to not feel guilty about spending time for yourself? I feel guilty all the time that I don't do enough.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
Hi frankly! ((frankly))
You hear that cyber voice too? Someone once told me that I DO have the time - It's the priorities that are out of order. I guess the stress and fear are keeping me from feeling normal at this time and it's affecting my decision making.
And you're right. The world won't come to and end. Thank you! I'll have to work on not feeling guilty and not being so anxious about EVERYTHING. Thank you, everyone!
You hear that cyber voice too?
Someone once told me that I DO have the time - It's the priorities that are out of order. I guess the stress and fear are keeping me from feeling normal at this time and it's affecting my decision making.And you're right. The world won't come to and end. Thank you! I'll have to work on not feeling guilty and not being so anxious about EVERYTHING. Thank you, everyone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kenai, Alaska
Posts: 21
All I can say is that I will pray for you and hope that you'll feel better knowing that I'm going through a situation similar to yours and that I'm not one for therapy either-I work in the mental health field and know everyone in town. But I will tell you that posting on these boards and listening to other people who are going through the same thing has helped me so much. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. Good luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
Anvilhead - Thanks for the wake up call. I'll work on getting the "HAVE TO" out of my head. It makes a lot of sense. Now that you've mentioned it, it's one of those absolute phrases. Like when someone says: "I NEVER get help around here" or "You ALWAYS are mean to me". It's not the truth, it's a misconception and poor wording. I'm grateful that you brought this up, because I didn't notice I was doing that. Argh!
I've got a good reason to keep my job right now - I decided to take some vacation time next month! Yay! With a new job, I'm not going to be able to take time off in March, y'know. I already have my new resume done and printed. I've planned on leaving once his surgeries were done and when I'm finished up with my doctor trips, while I still have insurance. The other things, I'll have to readdress. I'll have to approach my friends differently this time, maybe they won't flat out refuse to help give me a day off.
Last year, when he was in the hospital, he wanted to see me EVERY day. I went every night after work and on the weekends. The nurses let me stay until 1am. Needless to say, I was a zombie. I told him upfront - That ain't gonna happen this time around.
Thankfully work is slow this week. Thanks for the help!
I'm grateful that you brought this up, because I didn't notice I was doing that. Argh!I've got a good reason to keep my job right now - I decided to take some vacation time next month! Yay! With a new job, I'm not going to be able to take time off in March, y'know. I already have my new resume done and printed. I've planned on leaving once his surgeries were done and when I'm finished up with my doctor trips, while I still have insurance. The other things, I'll have to readdress. I'll have to approach my friends differently this time, maybe they won't flat out refuse to help give me a day off.
Last year, when he was in the hospital, he wanted to see me EVERY day. I went every night after work and on the weekends. The nurses let me stay until 1am. Needless to say, I was a zombie. I told him upfront - That ain't gonna happen this time around.
Thankfully work is slow this week. Thanks for the help!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Blaze - Thanks. I'm sorry that you're going through something similar *hugs!*, but I am glad that you're able to find help here. It's great to know that people can find solace and answers for something that can be so heart-wrenching at times.
I've kept this to myself for ten years, it feels weird but it's nice to know that others understand. I wish we didn't have to go through it. I guess if we weren't good people, we wouldn't care so much about others!
I've kept this to myself for ten years, it feels weird but it's nice to know that others understand. I wish we didn't have to go through it. I guess if we weren't good people, we wouldn't care so much about others!
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