Need help leaving him from newbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ottawa, Ont
Posts: 7
Need help leaving him from newbie
Hi,
This website seems like it is really helpful. I will tell my story as quickly as possible as it is the same as many people's here.
I am 24, my boyfriend is 22. He was doing cocaine the night I met him and it seems like we based our relationship on partying at university. I have never done cocaine but would drink with him. But I was able to get all my school work done and it never interfered with my life. A year and a half into the relationship he "hit rock bottom" and dropped out of university. I told his parents about his problem and they have been really supportive about helping him. He was not angry that I told them.
Anyways for the past year it has been "good behavior",then fall off the wagon then good behavior then fall off the wagon etc. I have lent him thousands over our relationship (I am doing my master's degree and am a poor student! he lives at his parents house and has a job) recently I talked to him about that and it was going better.
So, long story short: he does coke and lies to me, takes my money (which I, up till recently was too stupid not to lend him), dropped out of school and has no career prospects.
This weekend I went to visit him (he lives in toronto and I live in ottawa, Canada) and -long story short- found coke in his wallet and left.
Now- I KNOW I need to leave him- without a doubt..I do not see a future with a substance abuser- but I am having difficulty doing it.
What the *(&^ is wrong with me? I WANT to leave him but can't. I am scared that somehow I will be bamboozled into marrying him (which would be a huge mistake)
How do you find the strength to leave someone that you love so much but you know is poison?
Thanks
Grad Girl
p.s. I chose the name "grad girl" not to be pretentious but to remind myself that I am going in a different direction than him!
This website seems like it is really helpful. I will tell my story as quickly as possible as it is the same as many people's here.
I am 24, my boyfriend is 22. He was doing cocaine the night I met him and it seems like we based our relationship on partying at university. I have never done cocaine but would drink with him. But I was able to get all my school work done and it never interfered with my life. A year and a half into the relationship he "hit rock bottom" and dropped out of university. I told his parents about his problem and they have been really supportive about helping him. He was not angry that I told them.
Anyways for the past year it has been "good behavior",then fall off the wagon then good behavior then fall off the wagon etc. I have lent him thousands over our relationship (I am doing my master's degree and am a poor student! he lives at his parents house and has a job) recently I talked to him about that and it was going better.
So, long story short: he does coke and lies to me, takes my money (which I, up till recently was too stupid not to lend him), dropped out of school and has no career prospects.
This weekend I went to visit him (he lives in toronto and I live in ottawa, Canada) and -long story short- found coke in his wallet and left.
Now- I KNOW I need to leave him- without a doubt..I do not see a future with a substance abuser- but I am having difficulty doing it.
What the *(&^ is wrong with me? I WANT to leave him but can't. I am scared that somehow I will be bamboozled into marrying him (which would be a huge mistake)
How do you find the strength to leave someone that you love so much but you know is poison?
Thanks
Grad Girl
p.s. I chose the name "grad girl" not to be pretentious but to remind myself that I am going in a different direction than him!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I think it will help that your living apart. When your not right there front row to watch the destruction. You know he lies, you know he uses, you know that u cant trust him. What does he bring to this relationship? I know its hard to walk away I had to do it myself. It gets easier with time and once you realize how much he was holding you back you will not regret breaking up with him. Break ups hurt bottom line, you will survive you will go far in life and you will meet someone who will love u and not lie to you.
Try to avoid contact with him thats a start at breaking it off. Its hard to leave the relationship when u still see or talk to him. Its easy to get bamboozled into things too. Limit contact, start living your life for you, find some friends to hang out with, eventually you will get to the point where u know u gotta let him go and it will be easier when u have other things to fall back on. Oh he will lie and tell u what u wanna hear BUT actions speak louder than words, follow your gut your instinct not your heart.
Try to avoid contact with him thats a start at breaking it off. Its hard to leave the relationship when u still see or talk to him. Its easy to get bamboozled into things too. Limit contact, start living your life for you, find some friends to hang out with, eventually you will get to the point where u know u gotta let him go and it will be easier when u have other things to fall back on. Oh he will lie and tell u what u wanna hear BUT actions speak louder than words, follow your gut your instinct not your heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ottawa, Ont
Posts: 7
thank you
Thank you so much for your reply- it really helps to hear that. I am seeing a counsellor here and we have decided the same kind of thing- focus on my life here and developing a life that does not involve him...I'm thinking of joining a rock climbing group 
anyways..your reply meant so much to me thank you!! (I've never posted on one of these thingys before
)
thank you
GG
anyways..your reply meant so much to me thank you!! (I've never posted on one of these thingys before
)thank you
GG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ottawa, Ont
Posts: 7
Thanks,
I just hate myself for not having the strength to leave him right now. I wish I could be one of those strong people who know exactly what is good for them and go for it.
Although, this is the closest I have been to dumping him- hopefully I will. at least I'm not lying to myself about the situation. (he even emailed me "I'll go to rehab if you want"- RED FLAG! not going to work if it doesn't come from him!)
Havn't talked to him since the incident but know when I do I won't dump him- and I am so disappointed in myself for that!
KJ-read your thoughts for newbies - it helped
so...here's hoping I gain the courage to leave!
GG
I just hate myself for not having the strength to leave him right now. I wish I could be one of those strong people who know exactly what is good for them and go for it.
Although, this is the closest I have been to dumping him- hopefully I will. at least I'm not lying to myself about the situation. (he even emailed me "I'll go to rehab if you want"- RED FLAG! not going to work if it doesn't come from him!)
Havn't talked to him since the incident but know when I do I won't dump him- and I am so disappointed in myself for that!
KJ-read your thoughts for newbies - it helped
so...here's hoping I gain the courage to leave!
GG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Grad girl, you story kills me. You are so young and have a great life a head of you... without that guy. But with him, your headed for serious heartache. More than you can probably imagine.
I suggest reading some books on codependency like Melanie Beattie's Co-Dependent No More and doing some serious self-examination about why you want to stay in the relationship with this guy. Doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of it. Do you have access to counseling? Or maybe some Alanon or naranon meetings (they are free)? Do you have any kind of real life support network that you can talk to?
Please don't waste your 20s on some coked out irresponsible mooch who's life is going nowhere. You are worth way more than that. No matter what you think. Before you know it, you'll be 40 wishing you hadn't ruined your life on guys who are going nowhere.
Just remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you won't cure it.
I suggest reading some books on codependency like Melanie Beattie's Co-Dependent No More and doing some serious self-examination about why you want to stay in the relationship with this guy. Doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of it. Do you have access to counseling? Or maybe some Alanon or naranon meetings (they are free)? Do you have any kind of real life support network that you can talk to?
Please don't waste your 20s on some coked out irresponsible mooch who's life is going nowhere. You are worth way more than that. No matter what you think. Before you know it, you'll be 40 wishing you hadn't ruined your life on guys who are going nowhere.
Just remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you won't cure it.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I'm trying to think of something wise to say and I can't seem to get past: "You owe it to yourself to live your life". You didn't come this far and studied this hard to end up taking care of an addict. My ex husband is a recoverying addict but even so relapse and active use could be just around the corner. Life with an active user is no walk in the park...heck a trek up a mountain is easier. Breaking up is always a hard thing to do especially when we "think" the other person needs us. Believe me you would serve as a better lesson to him if you did break up so that he knows that people..loved ones are not willing to live with his active addiction. But you have to be ready and willing to do that. Convincing and encouraging from others certainly help but it won't help you make up your mind. I had to be ready before I got my divorce. I had to hit my bottom with him. I'm hoping you don't have to hit bottom before you make your decision.
I don't think he has because he continues to use. If someone hit rock bottom...truly hit rock bottom...they would not be teetering on a see saw (metaphorically speaking).
A year and a half into the relationship he "hit rock bottom" and dropped out of university.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
hello GG,
it's good you are reaching out for feedback.
you didn't mention in your post once whether or not you love him.
if you love him--deeply--then it is of course devastating to you to think of having to leave him. it is a torture to the heart to feel one is saying goodbye to someone she loves, goodbye which is probably forever. the "kick him to the curb" philosophy" is out of place in such a situation.
if you don't love him DEEPLY, then leaving will be painful but not devastating.
if you do love him with all your heart, then it is LOVE which must motivate your actions. and remaining in status quo with an active addict, with no boundaries and no consequences, just contributes to his terrible decline. that is not love.
good luck as you find your way through. keep your joy for life.
it's good you are reaching out for feedback.
you didn't mention in your post once whether or not you love him.
if you love him--deeply--then it is of course devastating to you to think of having to leave him. it is a torture to the heart to feel one is saying goodbye to someone she loves, goodbye which is probably forever. the "kick him to the curb" philosophy" is out of place in such a situation.
if you don't love him DEEPLY, then leaving will be painful but not devastating.
if you do love him with all your heart, then it is LOVE which must motivate your actions. and remaining in status quo with an active addict, with no boundaries and no consequences, just contributes to his terrible decline. that is not love.
good luck as you find your way through. keep your joy for life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ottawa, Ont
Posts: 7
Thank you all for your replies...I am going to copy and paste them and read them every day. I am also going to go to this site everyday. It is unbelievably comforting to know that there is somewhere to go where people don't get tired of hearing your problems...and EVERYONE is in the same boat!
I am still not in contact with my boyfriend and am going for a girl's nite to watch "america's next top model" or whatever...just to get out of the house.
For now I am concentrating on building a life without him so that when I do leave him (i have to keep telling myself I WILL find the strength) I will have a support group here in my city.
Anyways...from a first day perspective...thank you all so much and I will be in touch and am here to listen to your stories as well!!
GG
I am still not in contact with my boyfriend and am going for a girl's nite to watch "america's next top model" or whatever...just to get out of the house.
For now I am concentrating on building a life without him so that when I do leave him (i have to keep telling myself I WILL find the strength) I will have a support group here in my city.
Anyways...from a first day perspective...thank you all so much and I will be in touch and am here to listen to your stories as well!!
GG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
Grad Girl,
Just remind yourself that he doesn't need you, he needs professional help. He is his parents responsibility if he cannot do for himself. Not you.
Don't allow yourself to feel bad about it. He has a serious problem and it's one that no matter how much you love, scream at, talk to or console him will ever go away. And that's nothing to feel guilty or sad about. If anything, feel sorry for him that he doesn't have the courage to do anything about it. And that's it.
Don't misunderstand that your sadness/guilt is NOT the same as love. It ain't. Walking away from this doesn't make you a bad person. Don't allow yourself to feel negative about your decision!!!
*Big Hugs*
Just remind yourself that he doesn't need you, he needs professional help. He is his parents responsibility if he cannot do for himself. Not you.
Don't allow yourself to feel bad about it. He has a serious problem and it's one that no matter how much you love, scream at, talk to or console him will ever go away. And that's nothing to feel guilty or sad about. If anything, feel sorry for him that he doesn't have the courage to do anything about it. And that's it.
Don't misunderstand that your sadness/guilt is NOT the same as love. It ain't.
Walking away from this doesn't make you a bad person. Don't allow yourself to feel negative about your decision!!!*Big Hugs*
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Grad Girl))
Here's one. Every morning when you get up, talk to yourself in the mirror, talk to that person as if it were your best friend that you are giving advice to. Talk to your future unborn kids and make yourself and them (if they are in your future) a promise. Promise only the best that you can, promise not to accept less than you and they ever deserve, promise to laugh and be happy. One day at a time.
Hugs
B
Here's one. Every morning when you get up, talk to yourself in the mirror, talk to that person as if it were your best friend that you are giving advice to. Talk to your future unborn kids and make yourself and them (if they are in your future) a promise. Promise only the best that you can, promise not to accept less than you and they ever deserve, promise to laugh and be happy. One day at a time.
Hugs
B
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