tstorm08

Hello, I just joined so am learning. I'm looking for support as the sister of an alcoholic. It's affected our relationship so much that I can't talk to him anymore without getting mad. I've helped & helped him so much and he can't get it together. He's in big time denial. I'm just at the end of my rope. Makes me sad & mad at the same time. Thanks.

Barbara52

Welcome. You have found a great resource for information and support.

peaceteach

Sad and mad is a great place to start here, tstorm! It's a frustrating role, trying to help someone who doesn't really want REAL help, just to keep going on his merry way with you holding all his troubles for him. You do have a choice, and you certainly can stop this craziness for yourself; you'll read that by doing this, it often helps the drinker find out he really has a problem as well. Keep reading here for a while and to learn and be able to get yourself back to where YOU want to be in life.

tstorm08

I guess I feel a lot of guilt because our parents died young and it's always been just me and him. I have a family and he has nothing. I feel sorry for him because I know how he grew up, yet I made it and he didn't. I know we made different choices..but a part of me still feels sorry for that lost little boy. On the other hand, he infuriates me because he can't get it together. He never takes responsibilities for his troubles. (he's in trouble with the law a lot) It's NEVER his fault. He wants to vent to me and I just can't take it anymore..the venting, the calls at all hours of the night when he's in a drunken rage, the lies, and the hints for money.

Daisy30

Welcome! This is a great place to be! The people here are amazing!

Many here have been in your same situation
I found it helpful to Read some of the books in the "Classic Reading" sticky to help me understand alcohalism. Getting them Sober is a quick easy read w/ short to the point Chapters. I didn't realize that when I thought I was helping my AH I was actually only helping his alcoholism.

cmc

Welcome to SR. I hope you will read the sticky threads to learn about the nature of the disease called alcoholism. Going to Alanon is a great help too. Another thing that helped me to understand things was to attend some open AA meetings.

Your brother's actions and attitudes are very typical of an active alcoholic and things will not change for him until or unless he wants it badly enough. As long as he can find a way out of trouble or not face the natural consequences of his OWN choices and actions...he won't have a need to stop drinking. I'm sorry if that sounds hard or cruel, but that is how it goes.

There is hope for him but he has to want it. If all love and good intentions of family were all that it took to recover we could just close this site and all the rehabs and recovery centers.

The good news is that this forum is for _you_ and there is hope to be found for those of us who have alcoholic friends and family. You don't have to be alone.

Lilyflower

Welcome tstorm, I second the idea of reading the stickies and getting some al anon meetings for yourself will be a great help too. Keep posting here.

I'm glad you found us!

love
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

melbar4

Sadly, he will have to reach his bottom point before he will reach for help. You have to work on stepping out of the way, giving him and his situation to your higher power and then you go on with your life. It sounds cruel but honestly, you can't make him well.
I am learning this daily and I think sometimes writing it to others helps me practice it in my everyday life.
I understand your loyalty and connection to your brother is very strong but letting go is the kindest gift you can give him for the chance of recovery.
Welcome to the board. It is a wonderful place and remember you are not alone.
Melissa

Barbara52

Just how old is this "lost little boy?" An adult I assume? Just how long do you think needs to be kept down by treating him as a child who cannot make his own choices and can't be responsible for those choices?

The other part of those questions is how long do you want to take on the role of rescuer? How long do want his bad choices to chape and control your life? You cannot change him but you can change your own life and make it better.

Growing

I heard it said in an open AA meeting once that, "until I lost everything...until I hit rock bottom...I had no desire to get well."

It is so hard....for us as family members...to accept the truth of those words...spoken from the mouth of a recovered alcoholic.

I lost my father to alcoholism. He never got sober and he didn't seek help for his alcohol-induced throat cancer until it was too late.

The difference between you and your brother is that...it is possible for you...as a sober person to change. I am supporting you.

It is not cruel to admit that you are powerless over his alcoholism.

You are not responsible for his upbringing or his alcoholism. Please focus on that.

We understand where you are coming from. Hang in there and keep coming back.

lilac

Welcome to SR ! This site saved my sanity when I first joined.....I did not know where or what to do.............my prayers are with you. Hope to see you soon.

BohemiMamaof3

Hi Tstorm ,
I am also a sister of an alcoholic/addict brother. This place has really helped, and also the resources suggested in the stickies.
Welcome to SR, I hope you stay around, maybe it will help you, too.

tstorm08

The lost little boy is 41. I do not treat him as child, believe me. I have rescued him, however. When I used that term 'lost little boy', it's because I'm sad over his upbringing. I know he has made his own choices. I also told him last week that he was 41, I couldn't help him anymore. That I wasn't his mother or his bank. He's still talking to me but he's mad at me. My husband & I have helped him too much. And a lot of it is guilt because he has no one. I know that's not my fault, but I still feel it. I just have a hard time turning my back on him. That's why I joined this site, because I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst. So if it happens, I don't feel guilt over not helping him. Thanks for the big welcome and all the advice. I'm trying to learn and not rescue him. He's very manipulative and likes people to feel sorry for him. He's told friends on mine that I'm very hard on him. I find that interesting since I've helped him so much. :praying

Kindeyes

tstorm
I'm the mother of an A son. His sister has basically stated her position with him. She simply can't deal with him anymore. I understand her feelings. It's so difficult to deal with the lies, the crisis du jour, the problems, the drama, etc. When he is nice, he is very very nice. When he's not......he's AWFUL. It's a constant roller coaster. He'll be the most charming person in the world to get what he wants. He'll lure us into a false sense of hope only to turn on us the minute his manipulations fail to work.

These behaviors are classic and a common theme among alcoholics. You'll find the support of others who deal with these things just as you are doing. You'll read again and again to take care of YOU. Ultimately, the best help you can give your A brother is to take care of you first.

hugs and welcome

melbar4

tstorm,
Try not to think of it like you are turning your back on your brother. You are just stepping out of the way to let a hp do what needs to be done. The other night at alanon, a mother and father were talking about some terrible things that they have had to deal with their alcoholic son. The mother said she hated letting go of him because she was so caught up in the guilt. She said she evisioned getting to heaven one day and God saying, "Why in the world did you let your son down? Why did you give up on him? Why didn't you do more for him?" The father then pointed out what he envisioned at the exact meeting if they didn't let go was God asking "Why didn't you get out of my way and let me handle things? Don't you realize as long as you are putting your hands in everything that I can't do what needs to be done in order to touch your son? Don't you know that my plan is the only plan?" This made a lot of sense to me. I hope it will help you.
I know you have a huge sense of loyalty to your brother afterall it sounds like you guys have only had each other growing up. You have to do the hardest thing but the best thing for your brother. Let Go.
Melissa

Barbara52

Sorry to be a bit harsh, but rescuing him is treating him like a child, like someone who is not an adult capable of making their own choices. Adults do not need rescuing. Adults need to make their choices and deal with the consequences of those choices, good and bad. Rescuing someone prevents them from being fully adult and sends the message that they are incapable of being fully adult.

My signature line gives my opinion on treating adults as adults.

Growing

I want to share something with you that I found painful, at the time...but has given me clarity, in the long run: You are not turning your back on your brother by eliminating your toxic enabling. You are NOT toxic...but bailing him out over and over is toxic. By enabling others...we help keep them sick. We keep ourselves sick too. That is why this is called a family disease. You have been adversely affected by anothers alcoholism.

You have tried to "rescue" another adult. This is just one way you have been adversely affected.

Growing

This is a great post that ties into this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ook-steps.html

really_fed_up

You aren't alone! I am the sister of an alcoholic. She hasn't reached her rock bottom and my husband and I are in the process of detaching from her. It has caused horrible rifts between us and everyone in the family: my dad blames my brother, his wife, my husband, and I for refusing to help her out anymore and is refusing to speak with us. my mom is not on speaking terms with us because we've "kicked our sister out on the streets". It is really, really hard. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of being angry, upset, sad, and guilty.

But it IS getting easier. I would not have believed that even 2 days ago. We made the decision on Monday to ask her to leave our house, and we are sticking with it. I've learned that this is called "setting boundaries", and that these boundaries only work if you are firm and stick to them.

Keep posting and venting, and know you are not alone. Take some time from yourself; maybe write your brother a letter or an email (you don't even have to mail / send it) explaining how you feel. Let him know that you do love him, but take care of yourself first. it WILL get easier, I promise you.

BohemiMamaof3

There are some painful problems that there is no way around - you just have to go through them. And it’s hard to watch someone you love become homeless when you have a spare bed or couch. With my Abrother, we found thru trial and error, that every bit of helping we gave him was an enabling cushion. I could have written Tstorms’ posts, My mom or I could’ve written Kindeyes’ post. Read some of my old posts, if you want, and it will give you a picture of how this process has been for our family. We did the bail out thing. We made the calls looking for rehabs, drove him, allowed him to live with us, loaned money, even had him commited, you name it. Believed the lies, the short-lived sobriety, etc. He stole, he lied, he made threats, worried us half to death. He was in jail, homeless and hospitalized numerous times! Even when we thought we were only helping a tiny bit, it served as a cushion and prolonged his facing of reality (and us too!). When we stepped back and let him stand and fall on his own, it became the motivating factor that helped him. He’s been about 15 months sober. Will he relapse - I hope and pray not! But he finally realizes that whatever he does - he does without our involvement. Other than normal family things, we don’t get into his business much. He knows that he could never again live with any of us etc., that it’s time for him to man-up, sober-up and grow-up. Detaching, the most difficult thing for us to do proved to be all of our “saving grace” if that makes any sense. I thank God we made it this far!!! We have a long way to go, and may God help us all.