My Dad

Old 02-18-2008, 12:18 PM
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My Dad

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this and I'm dealing with a lot. I lost my father two weeks ago and I'm completely heartbroken. He was an alcoholic for a very long time but he was young, only 60. He was a wonderful man and I loved him so much. We had a great relationship and adored each other. He progressively got worse over the past few months and wouldn't seek any help. The guilt of not doing or saying the right things is unbearable right now. To imagine the pain he was in is heartbreaking to me. I miss him so bad and it really hurts.
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Old 02-18-2008, 12:35 PM
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Welcome Dalya...what a beautiful name!

I am so sorry for your recent loss of your dad.

I have lost my dad also.

It is not your fault that your dad didn't seek help. My dad refused help also.

Keep coming back and sharing with us.
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Old 02-18-2008, 03:14 PM
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Hi Dalya,

Welcome to this place ---- I'm so sorry for your loss and so sorry you're in pain.

I think that all of us, at one time or another, have thought that there was some magical combination of words we could say that would make an alcoholic seek help.

All of us.

Unfortunately, there just isn't. This really was a choice that your father made, not to seek help, and to keep on drinking. I know that doesn't change the fact that he is not there for you any more, but I see in you the signs of misdirected guilt that we all have here........what should I have done differently? How did I screw up? Why didn't I (insert magic spell here).

Grieve your father's choices, for they're sad ones. But don't blame yourself. There is nothing, nothing, nothing you could've done that would have convinced an active alcoholic to stop drinking against his will.

Hugs to you,
GL
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Old 02-18-2008, 03:32 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Dayla. Sixty is so young for a father to go, and you will miss him so much, I know. It's really nice that you loved him and he loved you! This disease of alcoholism is a tricky one, but a lot of people just never quit, no matter what pain they are in. I don't know the statistics, but it does often lead to death. We have learned that it is only by the alcoholic that a change can be made regarding his drinking. But you do have the power to change something else, Dayla. As children of alcoholics, the sooner we realize that WE need to keep our focus on US instead of others who make wrong choices, we find hope again in life, happiness in our present and dreams for our future. We also are much more aware of the dangers of drinking and our susceptibility to being addicted ourselves, or more likely to marry a drinker.

That may be too much to digest this early in your mourning of your father and the acceptance of his death. Just try not to hang on to the emotion of guilt for too much longer. It's a totally unnecessary feeling that we bring upon ourselves because we couldn't "save" someone. But it doesn't lead to anything productive or positive if we allow it to take over our more positive feelings of joy and love. Gather some wonderful pictures around yourself of you and your dad, talk lovingly of him with a trusted friend or family members, and just take care of you, Dayla. He's at peace now and out of pain, and I'm sure would want the same for you. I'll say a little prayer for you and Dad.
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Old 02-19-2008, 11:08 AM
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Thank you all. You are helping me right now and I really appreciate your kinds words of support.
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Old 02-19-2008, 08:24 PM
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I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I will pray for you tonight, that you may have a peaceful heart and a quiet soul.
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Old 02-19-2008, 09:05 PM
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I know there are no words to ease the pain that you're feeling right now. I lost my Dad on Sept 10, 2006. My Dad was my Hero. He was Santa Clausa, Superman and the Easter Bunny all rolled into one. My Dad was also an alcoholic. He was clean for about 9 years when he died of cancer. I remember his suffering through his alcoholism and of course the pain from cancer. When my Sister died in 1991 at the age of 26 from cirrosis of the liver due to alcoholism, I heard a saying so many times that I thought if one more person told me, I was going to scream. "At least she's not in pain anymore." I hated that. I wanted her back with me. Just like I'm sure you want your Dad back with you. But when my Dad died, I knew how he suffered. And I knew for me to wish him back to this life would be selfish on my part. Why would I want him to be back here where he was in constant pain? No matter how much time passes, you will always have the wonderful memories. It's clear how much you love your Dad. He may not be here for you to physically touch, but remember, you will always feel his touch in your heart. God Bless.
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Old 02-21-2008, 05:01 PM
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Thank you serenityqueen.
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