how do I help my husband?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Orlando, Fl
Posts: 1
how do I help my husband?
I just joined today. i need help to help my husband. We've been together for 10 1/2 years. We have 3 beautiful kids together. He started using crack right after we got married (2003). He had gone to visit with some friends and someone there offered it to him. Once he got the taste of it he was hooked. He doesn't do it all the time, but when he does it tears me up. It's usually on a friday after he got paid. He's never dissappeared for days (just hours), he's never stolen anything to get money for it, he's never gotten into a fight over it with a dealer, he's never been arrested. I know it's still a serious problem though. I'm at a loss over what i can do to help him. i don't want to end our marriage. Except for his addiction, he's a great husband and an amazing father. The only thing I've tried is to hold onto his money so he can't go out and buy anything (but i know he'll find a way to get it if he's determined), and i've given him my love. I get so mad when he uses, because I'm so dissapointed. I yell and get angry. But then i calm down and try to tell him i'll always be there for him. i've never had to deal with this before, I don't know what to do. He's tried to get help, but he works so many hours, he hasn't been able to find a group that he can go to. He doesn't want his boss to know about his problem because we rent our house from him and we'd have to leave. He's never let it affect this job. Please, can someone give me some advice and tell me what to do??
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Welcome lover1003. I have been with my Rah for 11 years. we seperated 5 month ago, but just started dating the lst couple weeks again. He used coke, then crack pretty much throught our relatinship. It wasn't always a problem for us either. He had never missed work, disappeared for days (only hours) stolen, etc. the last 2 years it all spiraled out of control. He is a great guy, loving, funn, great dad, parents loved him...
It IS a progressive disease! He used to give me his bank card and paychecks for years so he would not be tempted. His idea not mine, eventually his ddiction got stronger. He has now been clean for a couple months. The one thing I learned was that I could not make him stop. His kids, boss, friends could not make him stop. He had to hit bottom (losing his family, job suspension) to finally want to stop enough to put some real effort into it. Everyones bottom is different, I am sorry to tell you that you have no control over his using. All you can do is set some boundries as to what you are willing to live with and prepare yourself if things get worse. Read the stickies at the top of this page, they are so helpful! I am glad you came here, you will get lots of support and some great advice!
It IS a progressive disease! He used to give me his bank card and paychecks for years so he would not be tempted. His idea not mine, eventually his ddiction got stronger. He has now been clean for a couple months. The one thing I learned was that I could not make him stop. His kids, boss, friends could not make him stop. He had to hit bottom (losing his family, job suspension) to finally want to stop enough to put some real effort into it. Everyones bottom is different, I am sorry to tell you that you have no control over his using. All you can do is set some boundries as to what you are willing to live with and prepare yourself if things get worse. Read the stickies at the top of this page, they are so helpful! I am glad you came here, you will get lots of support and some great advice!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kenai, Alaska
Posts: 21
I am in a very close situation at the time, although my AH has entered treatment. All I can tell you is what I've leared so far and that is you have to take care of you first. You can't heal him. But you can begin counseling, Al-Anon meeting etc. and begin to heal you. This in my (limited) experience is the toughest job you will ever have. Good luck and I pray you will get through this without more heart berak. Good luck and keep reading and posting, it has helped me tremendously!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 50
Welcome lover1003. I too have an AH, but his DOC is prescription drugs. I have all the same mixed emotions as you, but being here on SR really helps me. These boards are filled with love, support and hope. Keep reading and stay strong.
~Chloe
~Chloe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
welcome.................you've come to the right place there are alot of people here that know what your going thru.
YOU wrote a list of the things your husband hasnt done................and I know I have been in that same place.......thinking mine didnt do this or that
but the honest reality of this disease and crack addiction expecially is its progressive.......
when you say to yourself, he hasnt done _________ you may want to add YET to the end of the sentence because as the addiction progresses the bottom and the things they stoop to are unbelievable over time the man you love isnt really there and you will hear yourself saying over and over again, but hes such a good man...................how do I know? Because you have described my life with my addict husband, and you are describing the lives of so many here..............
you said hes never out for more than a few hours, yeah it starts out like that too. But eventually they stay gone longer, why? To keep using or to avoid dealing with you and reality because over time you will be more and more upset and less tolerant and coming home will be the last thing he'll want to do
they promise and then do it again eventually facing you becomes more difficult
and also the high is harder to get, they use and use but cant get that really great high like the could before so they keep using chasing the high.............
I live in the same area as you, and there are alot of meetings ..............all over town at various hours some as late as midnight and some in the middle of the day..................
IF he wants help he can find it. Right now what your getting from him are excuses, his addiction trying to find reasons to not seek help.............if he wants help its out there.
but you cant choose for him, all you can do is step back and take a good hard look at your life and decide what you can do to make this situation better for you!!!
Try reading some of the stickys here on SR and maybe get yourself a copy of Codependant no more by Melodie Bettie..........
And stick around you can learn alot here!!!
Welcome, I wish you didnt find yourself in this position that you needed to find us but since you are I'm glad your here!!!
YOU wrote a list of the things your husband hasnt done................and I know I have been in that same place.......thinking mine didnt do this or that
but the honest reality of this disease and crack addiction expecially is its progressive.......
when you say to yourself, he hasnt done _________ you may want to add YET to the end of the sentence because as the addiction progresses the bottom and the things they stoop to are unbelievable over time the man you love isnt really there and you will hear yourself saying over and over again, but hes such a good man...................how do I know? Because you have described my life with my addict husband, and you are describing the lives of so many here..............
you said hes never out for more than a few hours, yeah it starts out like that too. But eventually they stay gone longer, why? To keep using or to avoid dealing with you and reality because over time you will be more and more upset and less tolerant and coming home will be the last thing he'll want to do
they promise and then do it again eventually facing you becomes more difficult
and also the high is harder to get, they use and use but cant get that really great high like the could before so they keep using chasing the high.............
I live in the same area as you, and there are alot of meetings ..............all over town at various hours some as late as midnight and some in the middle of the day..................
IF he wants help he can find it. Right now what your getting from him are excuses, his addiction trying to find reasons to not seek help.............if he wants help its out there.
but you cant choose for him, all you can do is step back and take a good hard look at your life and decide what you can do to make this situation better for you!!!
Try reading some of the stickys here on SR and maybe get yourself a copy of Codependant no more by Melodie Bettie..........
And stick around you can learn alot here!!!
Welcome, I wish you didnt find yourself in this position that you needed to find us but since you are I'm glad your here!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
lover..................I went back and reread your post and wanted to add something.........all that you CAN do for your husband is learn what NOT to do. Learn how not to enable his disease. Learn how to HELP yourself
maybe find a meeting for your self.......one for families of addicts.
If your interested, I know of a few in this area and I will PM you the info, just let me know.
maybe find a meeting for your self.......one for families of addicts.
If your interested, I know of a few in this area and I will PM you the info, just let me know.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi lover - welcome.
When I've dealt with alcoholic/addict relatives, it helps me to separate the two in my mind. It is easy enough to do, as you probably know... the "addict" behaves entirely different from the loving person we know.
Then I try to remember that when *I* think I am talking to the person, I may instead be giving the addict exactly what he needs to keep me hooked -
The addict only hears "and I'll always be there" - that is all he needs. To know you are hooked, that he has no real consequence for his actions.
My daughter's counselor asked me once - If she can get a hot meal, a roof over her head, a warm bed, a car to drive, money to spend AND her drug of choice.... why in the world would she ever change?
That hit home for me.... and showed me why I couldn't "love her sober".
Meetings, meetings, meetings.... Alanon or Naranon - they can make a life changing difference.
I wish you well.
When I've dealt with alcoholic/addict relatives, it helps me to separate the two in my mind. It is easy enough to do, as you probably know... the "addict" behaves entirely different from the loving person we know.
Then I try to remember that when *I* think I am talking to the person, I may instead be giving the addict exactly what he needs to keep me hooked -
...and i've given him my love. I get so mad when he uses, because I'm so dissapointed. I yell and get angry. But then i calm down and try to tell him i'll always be there for him.
The addict only hears "and I'll always be there" - that is all he needs. To know you are hooked, that he has no real consequence for his actions.
My daughter's counselor asked me once - If she can get a hot meal, a roof over her head, a warm bed, a car to drive, money to spend AND her drug of choice.... why in the world would she ever change?
That hit home for me.... and showed me why I couldn't "love her sober".
Meetings, meetings, meetings.... Alanon or Naranon - they can make a life changing difference.
I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
lover, havent seen you back....................is everything okay?
stick around, you dont have to accept or take everything you hear ..............take what you need and leave the rest but stick around theres alot of good support here
stick around, you dont have to accept or take everything you hear ..............take what you need and leave the rest but stick around theres alot of good support here
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Ottawa, Ont
Posts: 7
Lover,
I am very sorry for your troubles. I am going through the same thing- which brings up a question to anyone else on this thread-
Is there an narcanon (sp?) area on this website- or are we on it? are there chat/meeting times online?
Lover- good luck!
GG
I am very sorry for your troubles. I am going through the same thing- which brings up a question to anyone else on this thread-
Is there an narcanon (sp?) area on this website- or are we on it? are there chat/meeting times online?
Lover- good luck!
GG
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