New here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA.
Posts: 5
New here.
Hi all. I have been reading for weeks and just today I registered. I am so angry and thought this was the right place to be heard.
My AH checked himself into rehab last Sunday. Good right? Well I don't know, but, this time he did do it all himself. Problem is it's the same rehab and I found out from my best friend that he told her husband he couldn't wait to have another vacation. That 2 weeks with out me would be wonderful. I honestly don't care about the comment about me it's the 2 week vacation part that has me annoyed.
The last time he went to rehab he came out and didnt go to ANY AA meetings. (at least not for a few months) He made it 2 weeks sober before he "slipped" his words not mine. I consider a slip a mistake that you pick yourself up from right after. He "slipped" for a few weeks. We are atheists but, I do beleive AA can help. He picks at all the mentioning of God in it and the prayers. I know people say it's spiritual and not religous I respectfully disagree (I'm not trying to step on any toes) not when you read the 12 steps anyway. Are there real alternatives to AA?
Anyway, there are a few more issues than just his alcoholism. I have called his counseler 3 times since last Monday and the clinical director once. I got one return call yesterday and don't you know it I missed it. I called back an hour later and no return call. What has been everyone's expierence on turn around time on phone calls?
Today I talked to him and he asked about the kids and then I asked about him. He said he was doing good. We started to talk about a few things and he right away starts with "the past is past" He did this after rehab last time. I get it I really do. But if we can't work through some of the past things how do we rebuild trust. Is this past line something they feed them at rehab? Cause I just can't get over everything that has happened just like that. Especially if he won't address it. He also said he just needs encouragment. To me it seems if he wants this he will do it whether I stand at the sidelines and cheer or if I leave him. He didn't go to his IOP last time either. He maintains that he did try last time. I don't think he was ready to stop or he would have made an effort. If he can't be honest with himself should I expect any changes this time?
I'm starting counseling this week. If you need any more background feel free to ask. I just want that wonderful guy I married back. Sorry for my long rambling post. My head is swimming with everything lately.
My AH checked himself into rehab last Sunday. Good right? Well I don't know, but, this time he did do it all himself. Problem is it's the same rehab and I found out from my best friend that he told her husband he couldn't wait to have another vacation. That 2 weeks with out me would be wonderful. I honestly don't care about the comment about me it's the 2 week vacation part that has me annoyed.
The last time he went to rehab he came out and didnt go to ANY AA meetings. (at least not for a few months) He made it 2 weeks sober before he "slipped" his words not mine. I consider a slip a mistake that you pick yourself up from right after. He "slipped" for a few weeks. We are atheists but, I do beleive AA can help. He picks at all the mentioning of God in it and the prayers. I know people say it's spiritual and not religous I respectfully disagree (I'm not trying to step on any toes) not when you read the 12 steps anyway. Are there real alternatives to AA?
Anyway, there are a few more issues than just his alcoholism. I have called his counseler 3 times since last Monday and the clinical director once. I got one return call yesterday and don't you know it I missed it. I called back an hour later and no return call. What has been everyone's expierence on turn around time on phone calls?
Today I talked to him and he asked about the kids and then I asked about him. He said he was doing good. We started to talk about a few things and he right away starts with "the past is past" He did this after rehab last time. I get it I really do. But if we can't work through some of the past things how do we rebuild trust. Is this past line something they feed them at rehab? Cause I just can't get over everything that has happened just like that. Especially if he won't address it. He also said he just needs encouragment. To me it seems if he wants this he will do it whether I stand at the sidelines and cheer or if I leave him. He didn't go to his IOP last time either. He maintains that he did try last time. I don't think he was ready to stop or he would have made an effort. If he can't be honest with himself should I expect any changes this time?
I'm starting counseling this week. If you need any more background feel free to ask. I just want that wonderful guy I married back. Sorry for my long rambling post. My head is swimming with everything lately.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
When was the last time your AH was "that wonderful guy" you married? You are starting counseling ... have you also considered Al-Anon? So what about you - what do YOU want for YOUR life? I have a good handle on your AH from your perspective, so I'd like to know how you feel about yourself right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Sane,
I think there are some AA alternatives. My AH has been to a SMART meeting - I think it's smartrecovery.org - and it's not religion based. He has the same problems with AA as your husband, I think. He's only been to one meeting but he said he liked it and will go back.
I get frustrated with the professionals as well. Sometimes they don't seem to have as much information as we absorb just from hanging around this board! Sometimes you really have to be persistent to get them to respond. I was very frustrated when I met with my husband's therapist this past week - he wouldn't tell me anything about how my husband was doing -guess that's how it's supposed to work with confidentiality. When/if we go for couples counseling I will get a better idea of how it's going for him.
Everyone here will tell you, as they did me, that he has to do the recovery himself. My husband told me he couldn't recover without me. My therapist said - "So, he's putting the responsibility for his recovery on you?" When he said it like that, it was all so clear. Of course I want to be supportive of any positive steps, but I can't make it happen. He has to do it.
I know what you mean about the past. Will be interested in seeing what everyone else has to say about that because I'm definitely struggling with that one myself.
I don't think I'd worry too much about what he said to someone. He probably knows he's in deep trouble and he's frightened. How great that he's in rehab! Sounds like a very positive step.
Your post could have been written by me! Hang in there and start doing some things for you. That made me feel so much better. R.
I think there are some AA alternatives. My AH has been to a SMART meeting - I think it's smartrecovery.org - and it's not religion based. He has the same problems with AA as your husband, I think. He's only been to one meeting but he said he liked it and will go back.
I get frustrated with the professionals as well. Sometimes they don't seem to have as much information as we absorb just from hanging around this board! Sometimes you really have to be persistent to get them to respond. I was very frustrated when I met with my husband's therapist this past week - he wouldn't tell me anything about how my husband was doing -guess that's how it's supposed to work with confidentiality. When/if we go for couples counseling I will get a better idea of how it's going for him.
Everyone here will tell you, as they did me, that he has to do the recovery himself. My husband told me he couldn't recover without me. My therapist said - "So, he's putting the responsibility for his recovery on you?" When he said it like that, it was all so clear. Of course I want to be supportive of any positive steps, but I can't make it happen. He has to do it.
I know what you mean about the past. Will be interested in seeing what everyone else has to say about that because I'm definitely struggling with that one myself.
I don't think I'd worry too much about what he said to someone. He probably knows he's in deep trouble and he's frightened. How great that he's in rehab! Sounds like a very positive step.
Your post could have been written by me! Hang in there and start doing some things for you. That made me feel so much better. R.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA.
Posts: 5
Well whenever he is sober he is that wonderful guy I married. Before he went into rehab the first time he was drinking everyday most of the time before 10am. I knew he was drinking a lot but, just not how much. He could hide it very well. He was still doing thing with us but, lost interst in most anything else. He was normally a happy drunk. A very functional alcoholic. Don't get me wrong he had his outbursts too. A few months before rehab he got real sloppy and just stopped hiding it. He wasn't working consistently drunk on the job, nasty to me. Never to the kids. After rehab he would stay sober for a week at first then drink a few days to a week. Then the time sober went down and down. Drunk time up and up. He did go to AA maybe 8-10 times but, said the only time he spoke was when I went to an open meeting with him.
I have gone to a few al-anon meetings. I haven't made it a priority. With kids who are in sports and activities and the meetings being few and far between have made it hard. The few I attended were in my opinion quite religous. That makes me uncomfortable. I will deal with it if I have to. My kids go to a bible class. So I'm not someone who is compleatly against religion. It's just not for me. I think they should have that choice when they grow up, not me making it for them.
I have made it clear he is not coming home right away. He is going to live with his father. His family does not beleive in drinking alcohol at all. I'm not letting him in right away. He needs to earn my respect and trust.
I generally feel good about myself. I'm not perfect. But I know I don't deserve this either. I want him back, whole. If he can't do that I will not allow him back. This is taking the a big toll on my children. I don't want this cycle repeated with them. His mothers side has it's share of alcoholics.
I have gone to a few al-anon meetings. I haven't made it a priority. With kids who are in sports and activities and the meetings being few and far between have made it hard. The few I attended were in my opinion quite religous. That makes me uncomfortable. I will deal with it if I have to. My kids go to a bible class. So I'm not someone who is compleatly against religion. It's just not for me. I think they should have that choice when they grow up, not me making it for them.
I have made it clear he is not coming home right away. He is going to live with his father. His family does not beleive in drinking alcohol at all. I'm not letting him in right away. He needs to earn my respect and trust.
I generally feel good about myself. I'm not perfect. But I know I don't deserve this either. I want him back, whole. If he can't do that I will not allow him back. This is taking the a big toll on my children. I don't want this cycle repeated with them. His mothers side has it's share of alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Trying....I "hear" your anger and frustration with everything that is outside your control right down to the counsellors and other staff at the rehab facility who won't return your calls.
Pick your battles. Talking to the rehab facility staff is no guarantee that your AH is going to stay sober. That decision is 100% up to your H.
SR is a good place for you if you can't make Al-Anon or CODA meetings a priority. Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? It has helped me overcome my anger towards things which are not mine to control.
ARL
Pick your battles. Talking to the rehab facility staff is no guarantee that your AH is going to stay sober. That decision is 100% up to your H.
SR is a good place for you if you can't make Al-Anon or CODA meetings a priority. Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? It has helped me overcome my anger towards things which are not mine to control.
ARL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA.
Posts: 5
No I haven't read that book. I have read a lot about it though. I will check it out. The family counseler at rehab told me she didn't think I was codependent. I'm not sure. I think I have my moments. I think most people can be codependent towards loved ones. But then I think what is the difference between caring for a person and being codependent? Where do you draw the line?
I don't lie for him. If someone calls and he is passed out I will tell them the truth. There are tons of other things like that. I have actually wished for him to get a DUI so he might "get it". He kept telling himself and anyone else how could he have a problem if he has never had a dui or lost a job. I just figured if he doesn't suffer consequences then how will he know he has a problem? When I started doing this he agreed to rehab the first time. But, I made all the arangements. So he did it for me and not himself. I just want this to be different. I'm not sure I think because he has been having suicidal thoughts this last month maybe he is scared.
I don't lie for him. If someone calls and he is passed out I will tell them the truth. There are tons of other things like that. I have actually wished for him to get a DUI so he might "get it". He kept telling himself and anyone else how could he have a problem if he has never had a dui or lost a job. I just figured if he doesn't suffer consequences then how will he know he has a problem? When I started doing this he agreed to rehab the first time. But, I made all the arangements. So he did it for me and not himself. I just want this to be different. I'm not sure I think because he has been having suicidal thoughts this last month maybe he is scared.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
"reclaim your family from addiction" by craig nakken is an excellent book about the stages of recovery (or nonrecovery) a family of addiction goes through.
it might help. it helped me.
all the very best for healing in your family.
it might help. it helped me.
all the very best for healing in your family.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Sometimes they don't get it the first time around (or the second, or the third). Maybe this time will be different for him. I know what you mean about dealing with the past, as I felt that way also. I finally let go of it and started focusing on the future. It's too bad he doesn't like AA. It has worked a lot of miracles for a lot of people.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA.
Posts: 5
He actually doesn't mind the meetings. He prejudged them for a while. When I went to a few with him he said they sometimes help.
He has a problem with how sometimes people go on and on about the crazy stuff they did. He feels like how does so and so telling me he hit his wife make me stay sober. He says sometimes it's people sensationalizing their addiction or just plain whinging at the meetings. I told him maybe he just hasn't found the right meeting. He has attended no more than 10 meetings, most likely less than that. He also says he can't work the steps because they don't make sense to him.
He has a problem with how sometimes people go on and on about the crazy stuff they did. He feels like how does so and so telling me he hit his wife make me stay sober. He says sometimes it's people sensationalizing their addiction or just plain whinging at the meetings. I told him maybe he just hasn't found the right meeting. He has attended no more than 10 meetings, most likely less than that. He also says he can't work the steps because they don't make sense to him.
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