Stellargirl

Hey all SR family-
This place is the best!
So, I just wanted to get some opinions. Hopefully, a few will recall my tale.

I was out last night, dancing at the club and saw a mutual friend of me and my Xabf and I sat down with her and chatted, she had been drinking a little and admitted that was why she was gonna say what she was gonna say.

To the my readers: You need to know, when him and I started dating i was new to town. I became friends with all his friends and now...well, not so much, had to, which is lousy because there were some cool people among them.

Anyway, she said. so...I have been wondering...WHY did you go out with him? you two seem like such a odd match. I said, "what do you mean?". She's all well, you just have a lot more depth and are more down to earth than most of the girls he dates. I said," Oh, well thats interesting." She said the first time she met us (him and I), that after we left she was puzzled. Our friend JJ came over to her and said, "Why, the puzzled look, A? and she said, "Well, I just can't figure out why she is dating him."
JJ said, "Yeah, we've all been wondering this." (she told me all this)
But I had 2 other of HIS friends say similar things to me, being out of his league, etc.
So, great. His friends are baffled why I dated him since I way out of his league. I then proceed to explain how I didn't know of his coke use. She asked how could you not know....and I said I have NEVER been around it so how would I even know anything about it. She seemed to understand, saying she knew about hard drug use because of her stepbrother. But otherwise she might be unaware also.

Isn't that telling...that HIS friends think I am ....think I have a lot more going on than he does. They are his friends, so it seems like they should stick up for him...but I guess this is a small city and the term friend might be being used lightly. They all KNOW who he is, an alcoholic/coke addict without much going on.
Anyway, I find this all so very interesting and insightful. of course my ex then sits next to us and I get up. He doesn't understand why I don't want to be his friend or why I would be upset with him...?!?
I asked her via an email today, is he really that dense?
He lied to me for nearly a year about being a coke addict, hid it from the whole time. Then after I break up with him (a month later) he says he wants help with his drinking, I cave for a day or two. Find out he already has a new girl and he is sleeping with her and lied to me about that also. Confessed to it two days later and I told him how much it hurt me that he already has someone new and he sleeps with her AGAIN that night and then invites me over after...when I put it together that she was just there! how can someone possibly not understand why I would NOT want to be his friend after that? I guess he is just clouded in his thinking from the booze and drugs. or he rationalizes those actions since I broke up with him. ugh. he's such a loser. I am so glad I broke up with him and have moved on.

So, I guess I just need to air. I am curious if anyone has experienced what I did last night...When your X's friends tell you that they are surprised you didn't know he had a drug problem?

I informed the mutual friend, it was a blessing to be naive about drug use. You live and you learn. and at least I got out pretty quickly.

All comments welcome!!!!
Thanks.

StillLearning1

Hey Stellergirl,
Yes I've had the experiance.. I married mine!! Sure appears there were a lot of people who knew a lot more about him, then I did!! Frankly I've felt "judged" by a lot of people. Sure did feel stupid- or heck even better an "enabler"- they are now so relieved that I have woken up!! Accepted!! Heck, I just didn't know what they knew!! It became a lot easier to "let go"- when I found out the facts. In their eyes I'm suddenly a lot "smarter"- making better decisions- more responsible for myself and my kids.. I just shake my head at it. I didn't have a clue- is all!!
The one's who frankly were the most judgemental- well they are also the one's who were the best at "covering" for him- or heck enabling what they would call my "denial." Oh well..

best

A family member dated a guy for over a year. They were married for 6 months more before she found out he was doing coke. She grew up in the city and knew what drugs were as she had seen it all around her growing up. Still she did not know for that whole time because he would hide it so well.
A divorce...recovery for him...remarriage after 6 months clean and once remarried...he repeated his old ways after just one week...this time she was looking and dumped him fast. Lesson learned, she was more careful with who she dated after that. Married a wonderful guy she meet a few years later and they have now been married for over 20 years.

Even knowing what drugs are...well you need be looking for it if it is there. Denial or blinded by love, you just don't see it because some hide it very well.

Stellargirl

Thank you both. I really needed the reassurance and confirmation. I really appreciate your replies. It feels good to be moving on and away from his lying, deceptive ways.
It is pretty amazing, my Xabf isn't the sharpest stick in the bunch and yet he was very clever at pulling off hiding his addiction. Anyway, Thanks!

Oh, also wanted to mention-everyone one of his friends knew he was an addict, so that has a factor in ALL the lessons I am learning. Wish one of them would have told me, I guess they thought I knew. But live n learn.

DMPA

I had NO clue...worried about his drinking because i knew he drank a lot. he hardly ever got "drunk" though. I don't know...he's been clean and sober for over a year now and it still blows my mind when i look back on the things i didn't want to or "couldn't" see....even when others tried to point them out to me.

hello-kitty

I've had people ask me this. The best answer is "It didn't become apparent until the relationship was establish."

Short. Simple. Straight to the point. And people don't generally ask anymore questions about it.