melbar4

Tonight, I confirmed with my own eyes, that my STBXAH is having an affair. I have seen the phone records but it really hit home tonight. Through my own PI work with the help of a wonderful friend, I located where he is living. I found out where his girl friend is living and what car she drives and now I have seen the vehicles together at the house he is staying at. So hard to believe he just tosses away 16 years, keep in mind I have put up with so much bullsh@# in those 16 years, and he is right back in a relationship with someone else so quickly. I guess it was easier just thinking he was flitting around with a bunch of girls. Now it seems so real, so hurtful. I can't imagine being with another man, much less this quickly. It just really hurts. I guess she doesn't mind all the drunken shinanigans.
Melissa

tryingtoheal

Oh Melissa, I feel sick reading your post. I am so sorry you have to feel such agony. I want you to know that we are here for you...and that you are never alone.

I wish so much that I could say something to make you feel better, but I cannot. Just please, if anything, trust in the knowledge that you WILL ABSOLUTELY get through this, you will become a stronger, wiser person from this, and know that simply by having the strength to type the few words that you did above, you have empowered others with a strength that they would otherwise have not had if they had not read your words...from great struggle comes great strength...

peaceteach

What a bast***. And the other woman too. You definitely never deserved any of that, Melissa. No one does. But for some reason, you had to see it for your own eyes. I hope that this helps YOU to start taking care of you and your kids now, putting all the focus on yourselves and none on him anymore. I'm so terribly sorry that you have to go through this. I had a best friend who went through the same thing and I remember how crushed she was. Sending a big sister-hug your way and a prayer that today is the day you start full recovery that is ALL ABOUT YOU now.

ICU

Melbar, I'm sorry you are in such pain. Sometimes seeing or finding out about our ex's being with someone else, initially can be very painful.

The two of you are getting divorced right? If so, I'm not sure I would consider 'this' relationship he's having as an 'affair', unless it's the continuation of a relationship he began while still being in a relationship with you. I realize people may view this subject differently and I'm not trying to ruffle anyone's feathers!

All I'm saying is that until divorced, although it might not be the 'best' idea in the world to get romantically involved with someone else, I don't consider it to be the same as an affair, but rather...just moving on. And yes, of course it's still very painful for the soon to be ex to find out about it.

If I may, what was the reason you were doing investigative PI work? Was it to strengthen your pending divorce case, or, some other reason perhaps? You don't have to answer me personally here...just a question for you to ask of yourself. I try to know my motives when I am tempted to investigate someone who is really no longer in my life. I generally find that it's something I need to work on within myself when those thoughts cross my mind.

melbar4

Definitely doing it to strengthen my divorce case. We live in a state that has adultery and alcoholism as faults. My attorney said if I can get enough eveidence of an affair (and yes, he is still married right now - not supposed to be carrying on with women in the eye of the law) then I can possibly get alimony until I remarry plus up to 60-70 % of the shared assets and of course child support. Frankly, I need all the money I can get so that the kids and I can restart in a new area. We are moving in the summer and we have no equity in the home so I need and I believe deserve all the help I can get. And frankly - I do see a problem with him 'moving on' when he hasn't even resolved anything here in this home that he left almost a month ago. He has definitely thrown the kids to the side, and of course me too, but I guess that part just doesn't matter.
Melissa

Pick-a-name

So sorry; variation of the same thing happened to me after 27yr...could NOT believe it. Actually, the saddest thing is our 20-something son is the one who found the black-and white evidence when he went to AH's place to get some stuff he "stored" over there while he knew his dad was away on a ski trip. Accidently found a stash of stuff his lawyer (he had just filed for divorce a few months earlier w/ lawyer who turned out to be a friend of OW) must have told him to hide. I actually had us go over while AH was still gone (I stayed outside just not to muddy things) and we took a bag of letters,card, evidence of vasectomy (I had a hyster. 20yrs earlier) etc. and I put them in a safe place. It was only after that I sent him an email I knew he would not read until after he got back to work that mentioned what I had found and how I'm sure my lawyer would find interesting. (He later asked where the stuff was and I said..in a safe place;not with me but I could get them if/when I needed them.) He did call and try to "apologize" but I cut him off and said I really did not want to talk to him right then. We'd do it later.

I'm sorry you are going through this; even though I had my suspicions (which of course he denied) to see it..cards with "poems" she wrote,etc was like getting the wind knocked out of me. It did,however let me know I was not going crazy or imagining things like I had been led to believe. I never tried to "find them together", after seeing the initial two cards I decided resist temptation and NOT read any more, because I did not what them rattling around in my brain and imagination for the rest of my life.

It's very sad. BTW; who knows if they still are involved (he still lied about it) but lately I get the feeling they are not,fwiw.

My advice:get the info that can help you and let the rest go,as much as possible. Sick people do sick things. It still hurts.

p.s. We still marvel that we found all the things (that were helpful in court) that we did not even know existed and were not looking for! More WAS revealed.

denny57

As my therapist says every time I use this phrase: It is not a relationship.

I know the pain that can come from discovering this, but I'm here to say it was the biggest favor AH ever did for me. I didn't worry whether I was ready for another man in my life, I worked hard at getting my own life back - the life I gave up to try and cure someone else's alcoholism.

Keep the focus on you, reach out for support and keep moving forward.

((()))

melbar4

p.s. We still marvel that we found all the things (that were helpful in court) that we did not even know existed and were not looking for! More WAS revealed.

This was probably your HP looking out for you. I honestly feel that I am being helped in all that I am finding out.
Thank you to all that responded. I don't want to find anymore out about my STBXAH indescretions than I need to prove my case and protect my children and myself. I would be lying if I denied that I secretly look forward to the moment he realizes just how "smart" I am. After all he has spent years telling me differently.
Melissa

lexusgirl

((((((((((((melissa)))))))))))

I don't have a lot to add to what the others have said, but I can sense your pain in your post. Whatta bast*rd!!!

I caught my exabf doing a browse on Myspace for women in our area. This is how we meet was over Myspace (I know sorta cheesy) I checked the history on his computer and found out what he was doing. And that hurts.

I talked to my counselor about it, and she said that just shows how much pain he is in to know this is over and he is already looking for someone new. She said that throughout his life being an A he has learned to numb everything. He cannot face any type of emotions or anything uncomfortable to him. So he blocks it out numbs himself (with booze) and now other women.

Sending you lots of healing prayers and thoughts your way! Even though it hurts so much now, he has probably done you a favor. Take care of yourself and it sounds like you have planned something for your kids and you to restart in a new area, thats so positive, I think thats great!

hope2bhappy

I, too, live in Alabama, and I work at a law firm. I had no idea that habitual drunkenness was still a valid ground for divorce. I thought they did away with it. Anyway, if you have been married for 16 years and have children, I don't think you will have anything to worry about in the settlement, regardless of whether you uncover the adultery. (Thank God we don't live in a community property state.) We've never used that as a grounds for divorce, but rather kept it as a bargaining tool to use in the event the other party gets difficult when it comes to settlement.

I'm very sorry you have been faced with this. I know how painful all of this must be for you.

melbar4

Hope to be happy,
Yes, it is still considered a fault. See the link below. That is what I had filed as the original fault and have petitioned the adultery since I have found out the new stuff.

I hope things turn out as well as my attorney seems to think. I mainly want to make sure the kids and I are taken care of and they are safe!
What part of Alabama do you work?

Divorce Support - Alabama Grounds for Divorce

hope2bhappy

I checked the Code, and you are right. Perhaps I was thinking of mental incapacitation (after the marriage). That one is no good anymore unless they are institutionalized for 5 years. I did notice that the habitual drunkenness ground specified that the addiction must occur "after" the marriage. In other words, if you knew he was an alcoholic before you married him (like I did, for example), then you can't now cry foul and use this to get out of the marriage. But, like I said earlier, I don't think any of this is going to matter in your case.

We always just go with the no fault grounds of incompatability and irretreivable breakdown. No proof is required. If you go with a fault grounds, then you must show proof that the fault actually exists. This can get very messy, and you may learn a lot of things you wish you hadn't (ignorance is bliss sometimes).

We only do the occasional divorce now -- uncontested, with no minor children. This is because, in cases such as these, the divorce is never really "final." One of the parties is always coming back to modify the child support or alimony. It just goes on and on.

I am in Montgomery. Our main firm office is in Birmingham.

Here's a link to the Code section, if you want to take a look at it:
Code Of Alabama