What does a supportive spouse look like during early recovery?
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
What does a supportive spouse look like during early recovery?
I've had 2 weeks sober and I know he has a right not to trust me and to be angry - I was a secret drinker and lied to him about it for years. But I'm in a treatment program and going to AA. It's my first time to get sober ever. I'm trying so hard. He says he's supportive but I don't feel like he is at all. Just for fun, what would a supportive spouse do and say? What would it look like?
God is my benzo
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Charlotte, nc
Posts: 198
I have no idea. The spouse of a drunk has been through the ringer. My marriage did not survive it. We cannot expect them to just be ok over night. It takes time. We have to prove that we can be sober, and show them by example that things are going to be different and stay different.
You should check out for the wives, and the family afterwords in the big book.
Also see if he would be willing to check out alanon.
You should check out for the wives, and the family afterwords in the big book.
Also see if he would be willing to check out alanon.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
I think that depends entirely on you and your spouse. I was not a secret drinker, my husband knew how much I was drinking, but neither of us realized how bad it was hurting me until I stopped. (he is a normal drinker).
You say it doesn't feel like he is being supportive. What is it that you need him to do or say? It seems like you need to express to him exactly what you need, and then ask him to tell you if your needs seem realistic to him (ie- if you have lied for years, you can't expect complete trust overnight) and if they aren't realistic this minute, is he willing to work towards it?
What I needed from my spouse in the earliest days of recovery was extra help with our kids and extra patience with my irritability. I was able to ask for it and he was able to give it to me. We are in a good place now.
Good luck! Keep posting!
You say it doesn't feel like he is being supportive. What is it that you need him to do or say? It seems like you need to express to him exactly what you need, and then ask him to tell you if your needs seem realistic to him (ie- if you have lied for years, you can't expect complete trust overnight) and if they aren't realistic this minute, is he willing to work towards it?
What I needed from my spouse in the earliest days of recovery was extra help with our kids and extra patience with my irritability. I was able to ask for it and he was able to give it to me. We are in a good place now.
Good luck! Keep posting!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
I don't know either.
I drank for a few years and my family had given up on me by that time. I made the decision to stop drinking on my own and just went for it. I remember desparately wanting to talk about what had brought me to that place in my life, but there was no interest at all from my family. They did, of course, want me to get better, but they felt completely uninvolved. It was the loneliest time in my life. It's really hard for people who are not addicts to be understanding.
I drank for a few years and my family had given up on me by that time. I made the decision to stop drinking on my own and just went for it. I remember desparately wanting to talk about what had brought me to that place in my life, but there was no interest at all from my family. They did, of course, want me to get better, but they felt completely uninvolved. It was the loneliest time in my life. It's really hard for people who are not addicts to be understanding.
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Thank you! I asked the question partly because I didn't really know what I want/expect from him. I know it's not snide remarks about how I'm probably drinking now and still lying about it. And I know it's not him getting drunk in our house or coming home drunk and getting into bed with me. Ugh. But as I was reading your posts, I realized that what I would really like from him is for him to acknowledge that I am doing something (recovery) that takes courage and strength. I would like just the slightest bit of "cheerleading." Not a lot. Just a little. I think at this stage it's too much to ask. It's so ironic, however, that when I was drinking, he was my biggest fan. And now that I've taken this huge step to get better, he acts as if I am a dirty dishrag that should have been thrown away a while ago.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
mle...
in my experience...
it was my actions, not intentions... that paved the day, and the tomorrows...
2 weeks is nothing to repair the damage and wreckage we drunks do to our loved ones...
and hey, alanon is a good thing...
it helps gets both partys on focus where it needs to be...
good wishes mle
rz
in my experience...
it was my actions, not intentions... that paved the day, and the tomorrows...
2 weeks is nothing to repair the damage and wreckage we drunks do to our loved ones...
and hey, alanon is a good thing...
it helps gets both partys on focus where it needs to be...
good wishes mle
rz
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
A supportive spouse would have a look of distrust on their face.
A shadowing of doubt.
That look that says...Yah Right..here we go again
But there may be a glimmer of hope seen as well. There are still around. We didn't scare them off all the way with our lies and misguided actions.
They support us or not... the burden of proof is on our shoulders.
We gave away the trust they had in us...it is up to us to work at gaining that trust back. Though our amends to others and our continued growth in our own recovery, we can win back that trust no matter how long it takes.
I never want to give away that trust again now that I have gained most of it back. I still strive to gain it all back and then some..even if it takes me another 25 years to do so.
I know you can do it. You know you can do it. Now you need show him you can do it. You want to know what the look of a supportive spouse looks like?
Look in the mirror so you can see the person that supports him as he learns to trust you again.
A shadowing of doubt.
That look that says...Yah Right..here we go again
But there may be a glimmer of hope seen as well. There are still around. We didn't scare them off all the way with our lies and misguided actions.
They support us or not... the burden of proof is on our shoulders.
We gave away the trust they had in us...it is up to us to work at gaining that trust back. Though our amends to others and our continued growth in our own recovery, we can win back that trust no matter how long it takes.
I never want to give away that trust again now that I have gained most of it back. I still strive to gain it all back and then some..even if it takes me another 25 years to do so.
I know you can do it. You know you can do it. Now you need show him you can do it. You want to know what the look of a supportive spouse looks like?
Look in the mirror so you can see the person that supports him as he learns to trust you again.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
I may not be able to adequately describe what a supportive spouse looks like, but I can certainly tell you what one does NOT look like...
...when I was drinking, he was my biggest fan. And now that I've taken this huge step to get better, he acts as if I am a dirty dishrag that should have been thrown away a while ago...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
My husband is also an alcoholic who has been sober for almost 30 years.That said-he's ignored a lot of my alkie behaviour-I think because it reminds him too much of how he was and he doesn't want to go back there.
Don't expect too much.Just focus on your own recovery.It sounds a bit selfish but in reality-it comes down to your life/death.It'd be great if your partner got it-but in the end-it's not about them.It's about you and what you need to do to get well.
I wish you the best.
Julesxox
Don't expect too much.Just focus on your own recovery.It sounds a bit selfish but in reality-it comes down to your life/death.It'd be great if your partner got it-but in the end-it's not about them.It's about you and what you need to do to get well.
I wish you the best.
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Originally Posted by best 
I know you can do it. You know you can do it. Now you need show him you can do it. You want to know what the look of a supportive spouse looks like?
Look in the mirror so you can see the person that supports him as he learns to trust you again.
Look in the mirror so you can see the person that supports him as he learns to trust you again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
My alcoholic husband and I separated at the end of September. He was verbally abusive, and I could no longer live with him.
He called me on Thanksgiving Day and told me that he was finally serious about recovery. I was a little distant at first. My husband had relapsed so many times, that I did not want to get hurt again. Slowly, I began to trust him again. It took a couple of weeks. I even went to an AA meeting in January that he invited me to. I can remember saying that "I am here in support, and Go MIKE!" (I am your cheerleader spouse). I really thought at that point that our marriage had a chance, but I was always worried that he would relapse.
The next week, he relapsed. He was close to 50 days. Mentally, I almost fell apart.
His family and I completely abstain from alcohol around him.
I am learning more on how to be supportive, but not be enabling to my husband. I have to work on my own recovery, and he has to work on his own recovery. I keep going to Al Anon. And I am also on Friends and Family of Alcoholics.
My husband is doing better. He is now on Soberrecovery. He was honest about his relapse to AA and to his recovery program. He kept going to AA almost daily. He will be 30 days sober this Tuesday.
He called me on Thanksgiving Day and told me that he was finally serious about recovery. I was a little distant at first. My husband had relapsed so many times, that I did not want to get hurt again. Slowly, I began to trust him again. It took a couple of weeks. I even went to an AA meeting in January that he invited me to. I can remember saying that "I am here in support, and Go MIKE!" (I am your cheerleader spouse). I really thought at that point that our marriage had a chance, but I was always worried that he would relapse.
The next week, he relapsed. He was close to 50 days. Mentally, I almost fell apart.
His family and I completely abstain from alcohol around him.
I am learning more on how to be supportive, but not be enabling to my husband. I have to work on my own recovery, and he has to work on his own recovery. I keep going to Al Anon. And I am also on Friends and Family of Alcoholics.
My husband is doing better. He is now on Soberrecovery. He was honest about his relapse to AA and to his recovery program. He kept going to AA almost daily. He will be 30 days sober this Tuesday.
and hi and good fortune
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