Question about my relapse :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 179
Question about my relapse :(
Unfortunately I've relapsed after 80 days of sobriety. I am involved in AA, have a sponsor and a fairly extensive network of sober friends. I was close to finishing my 90/90. From my relapse I've realized there is nothing left for me in the bottle. It wasn't the same, it wasn't fun, but in my mind I had to see if there was anything left for me out there. Maybe I was in a bad space for the 9 years of drinking (I wasn't, I'm an alcoholic and I need to accept that). I am going back to AA tomorrow and I will let people know I am coming back even though I was only out for one day. I actually went to a meeting this morning, but ended up keeping my hand down when they asked if anyone is coming back. My thinking was screwy when I relapsed, I thought "I'll get drunk, and won't tell anyone and then I'll move on with this AA thing" At the meeting this morning a woman spoke about how she got to a year and celebrated, but she was secretly drinking the whole time. She was living a lie like I am and although she celebrated she wasn't true to herself. I need to say something and then start again. I need to be true to myself.
This is my first time at AA, and I am very scared what will happen when I tell people I drank. My sponsor primarily will be crushed, at least I think. I am looking for some support since I am very anxious about raising my hand when they ask if anyone is coming back. Anyone have experience with this type of thing? What can I expect? Sorry if I let people down but I will speak with my network and figure out where I went wrong, and what I need to do differently this time around to keep me away from the drink. It (drinking) wasn't the same as it was. I felt depressed, I felt sad, I felt like garbage. There is nothing left for me out there but I feel like I needed this relapse to reinforce that I can no longer drink safely.
Please lend me some support and some advice so I can be true to myself.
This is my first time at AA, and I am very scared what will happen when I tell people I drank. My sponsor primarily will be crushed, at least I think. I am looking for some support since I am very anxious about raising my hand when they ask if anyone is coming back. Anyone have experience with this type of thing? What can I expect? Sorry if I let people down but I will speak with my network and figure out where I went wrong, and what I need to do differently this time around to keep me away from the drink. It (drinking) wasn't the same as it was. I felt depressed, I felt sad, I felt like garbage. There is nothing left for me out there but I feel like I needed this relapse to reinforce that I can no longer drink safely.
Please lend me some support and some advice so I can be true to myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,493
Hi User Name,
I can't give you advice about AA, but I do know that for me, honesty was a huge thing when I began recovery. I had learned to lie as soon as I could talk - I needed to lie in order to survive. But, the lying continued as a habit and I hated it. I do think honesty matters and I do think you need to be honest with yourself.
Forgive yourself and move forward. And, remember that you're doing this for yourself.
I can't give you advice about AA, but I do know that for me, honesty was a huge thing when I began recovery. I had learned to lie as soon as I could talk - I needed to lie in order to survive. But, the lying continued as a habit and I hated it. I do think honesty matters and I do think you need to be honest with yourself.
Forgive yourself and move forward. And, remember that you're doing this for yourself.
God is my benzo
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Charlotte, nc
Posts: 198
I felt the same after my relapse. "What will they think about me?" "will i be looked down upon?".
Thank god I went back and didn't let those fears keep me out longer. Most people are simply gonna walk up to you, say congratulations, and shake your hand. Because it's not about the mistake you made, it's about what your doing to correct it.
You will earn respect for being honest.
Your friends will know where you are in your program so they can help you.
You will gain humility.
You will have new experience to share with others.
The rewards are enumerable.
Thank god I went back and didn't let those fears keep me out longer. Most people are simply gonna walk up to you, say congratulations, and shake your hand. Because it's not about the mistake you made, it's about what your doing to correct it.
You will earn respect for being honest.
Your friends will know where you are in your program so they can help you.
You will gain humility.
You will have new experience to share with others.
The rewards are enumerable.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Roseau, MN
Posts: 34
Hey there honey. I don't know about whole AA thing. I don't go to meetings, so I can't tell you about what to expect. What I can tell you is that this relapse is obviously a good thing (as odd as it sounds). Now you DEFINATELY know that there is not an answer in the bottom of a bottle. That's just one question you can quit struggling with because you know the answer. Now all you have to do is find out what started this all, and find other ways to deal with it.
Don't beat yourself up. Be proud that you had the courage to tell us, and the desire to tell your friends at AA. That's a huge step, too. Congrats.
As for your sponsor, I am sure he/she has been in this position before either with themself or someone else they have sponsored.
We're here for you. Keep your head up. Thank you for sharing.
:ghug3
Don't beat yourself up. Be proud that you had the courage to tell us, and the desire to tell your friends at AA. That's a huge step, too. Congrats.
As for your sponsor, I am sure he/she has been in this position before either with themself or someone else they have sponsored.
We're here for you. Keep your head up. Thank you for sharing.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, N.Y.
Posts: 4,639
Hi User name,
I know exactly how you feel. i had 100 days last year and relapsed. I was scared to death to tell my AA friends i drank again. I felt like i let them down and myself. I finally got the courage to tell them and got my white chip again. It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. Everyone was very supportive and nice and was really happy that I came back. My sponsor was just as supportive. She told me that it could be any one of us. That's why we take it one day at a time she told me.
What i also did was go to the group i felt most comfortable in. That's my home group. Tonight I get my 30 day chip at my home group. You can do it too. Just don't beat your self up, and try again. The AA rooms are always there for us and they never turn us away.
Barb
I know exactly how you feel. i had 100 days last year and relapsed. I was scared to death to tell my AA friends i drank again. I felt like i let them down and myself. I finally got the courage to tell them and got my white chip again. It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. Everyone was very supportive and nice and was really happy that I came back. My sponsor was just as supportive. She told me that it could be any one of us. That's why we take it one day at a time she told me.
What i also did was go to the group i felt most comfortable in. That's my home group. Tonight I get my 30 day chip at my home group. You can do it too. Just don't beat your self up, and try again. The AA rooms are always there for us and they never turn us away.
Barb
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi UserName
There is no pass or fail in AA. We do not judge. We only love one another and we UNDERSTAND. We have all been where you are.
Most of the people in the room probably know. There is so much intuition in our beloved AA. Go ahead and spill it. Nothing bad will happen and your recovery depends on honesty.
If you are an alcoholic, you will drink again. This isn't a relapse, it isn't a slip. You drank because you are an alcoholic and alcoholics who are not recovered drink. It's what we do. It isn't something you can control so don't be feeling ashamed.
That is why AA is a miracle. All those alcoholics in a room - not drinking????? I mean give me a break. It's inconceiveable.
To recover, you need to do the steps with your sponsor and then you need to live by them daily.
If your sponsor hasn't already taken you through them by now, get another one. Dont be shy about that. This is life and death this disease.
The steps help us find our HP so we don't have to rely on other human beings or meetings or ourselves to avoid taking the first drink.
Ask your sponsor if they have had a spiritual experience or awakening as a result of doing the steps. If not, find someone who has and who has good recovery. You know the ones - peaceful loving and rock solid like there is something more to them.
Good luck.
There is no pass or fail in AA. We do not judge. We only love one another and we UNDERSTAND. We have all been where you are.
Most of the people in the room probably know. There is so much intuition in our beloved AA. Go ahead and spill it. Nothing bad will happen and your recovery depends on honesty.
If you are an alcoholic, you will drink again. This isn't a relapse, it isn't a slip. You drank because you are an alcoholic and alcoholics who are not recovered drink. It's what we do. It isn't something you can control so don't be feeling ashamed.
That is why AA is a miracle. All those alcoholics in a room - not drinking????? I mean give me a break. It's inconceiveable.
To recover, you need to do the steps with your sponsor and then you need to live by them daily.
If your sponsor hasn't already taken you through them by now, get another one. Dont be shy about that. This is life and death this disease.
The steps help us find our HP so we don't have to rely on other human beings or meetings or ourselves to avoid taking the first drink.
Ask your sponsor if they have had a spiritual experience or awakening as a result of doing the steps. If not, find someone who has and who has good recovery. You know the ones - peaceful loving and rock solid like there is something more to them.
Good luck.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
you're only a failure once you quit trying.
Maybe, you needed this to convince yourself.
Take time and read more about alcoholism.
Cunning baffling and powerful, our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics.
Have you conceded?
Maybe, you needed this to convince yourself.
Take time and read more about alcoholism.
Cunning baffling and powerful, our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics.
Have you conceded?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
User, I am so glad you realize that there is no more room for alcohol in your life. That is they key to your freedom. It took me the last 2 years of my drinking to finally get there. I no longer mourn the loss of alcohol...I celebrate the fact that I am free from its grip.
Nobody will judge you...learn from this...move forward...and never forget the pain you are in today. You can do this...harness the power that it inside you, believe in your strength...stay strong.
Nobody will judge you...learn from this...move forward...and never forget the pain you are in today. You can do this...harness the power that it inside you, believe in your strength...stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 25
It is possible, as others have said, that this relapse was exactly the thing you needed to learn that alcohol is not a help, but a hindrance in your life, and your addiction to it is something you are even surer now that you need to recover from.
I'd also like to say that your honesty here (and presumably with your AA friends) shows you are making big strides. Thanks so much for sharing, candidly. Hang in there!
I'd also like to say that your honesty here (and presumably with your AA friends) shows you are making big strides. Thanks so much for sharing, candidly. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I relapsed twice, both times after 2 years, and both times I drank on one occasion only. I hadn't planned to get up and pick up my desire chip, but when it was called, I stood up and walked to the front of the room. I needed to get honest. And I was met with hugs, handshakes, and encouragement.
It sounds like you have a good foundation for yourself in AA and I'm really glad for that. Please keep coming back - we need you here.
It sounds like you have a good foundation for yourself in AA and I'm really glad for that. Please keep coming back - we need you here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 179
When I went back to AA I was met with hugs and handshakes. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it was going to be. My relapse sucked. I thought it may be different since I hadn't drank in 80 days. It wasn't, I drank the same amount, got in a barfight, and was hungover all day on Sunday. Not what I had planned, but I am now absolutely certain that I cannot drink safely. I am refocused on AA, and I am stepping up my recovery plan. I am going to take some suggestions that are unpalatable to me and I am going to do what I need to do.
Thanks for the support, I am back and my step one understanding is better than ever. I'm upset that I drank after 80 days but in my heart I think I needed to "make sure" that I couldn't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore, and I am back on my recovery path.
Thanks for the support, I am back and my step one understanding is better than ever. I'm upset that I drank after 80 days but in my heart I think I needed to "make sure" that I couldn't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore, and I am back on my recovery path.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Chicago Illinois
Posts: 65
Support
I am looking for some support since I am very anxious about raising my hand when they ask if anyone is coming back. Anyone have experience with this type of thing? What can I expect? >>
I relapsed some time ago. I felt like you did. I was very scared but admitted my relapse. To my surprise, people were understanding and supportive. There is no place like a room full of alcholics to find acceptance. People lent support and suggestions and their phonenumbers... You may be surprised too..
I relapsed some time ago. I felt like you did. I was very scared but admitted my relapse. To my surprise, people were understanding and supportive. There is no place like a room full of alcholics to find acceptance. People lent support and suggestions and their phonenumbers... You may be surprised too..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: charlotte, nc
Posts: 2
thank you user name...your courage helped me accept my own relapse also after 2 yrs. sobriety... I beat the crap out of myself, felt like I failed... but complacency and not relying in my higher power was my reason , not that I was a bad person, it took me a relapse to learn a valuable lesson.
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