I need a pep talk
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
I need a pep talk
I just had the final meeting with my lawyer to get everything ready for the divorce. Our settlement hearing is in a week and a half. Depending on the outcome of that, the divorce could be final in a couple weeks to a month.
We've been apart for 2 years and 3 months. He's been addicted to his pain meds post car accident for 17 years most significantly the last 8 years(sometimes were better than others).
I still love him deeply, and he loves me too. He 'thinks' he is trying so hard to get his life in control, but won't accept that the real problem is the meds rather than the actual pain he takes it for. He does all the ugly addict stuff that causes havoc in our family, but 'he' truly is a wonderful person behind it all. Every once in a while I get to see that person.
As this is getting closer, I'm not being able to sleep. All the insecurities, stresses, and doubt are consuming me. I know this is the best thing to be doing, especially for the stability of our children.
I assume I will be 'released' and really able to heal after we get through this process but just need a pep talk to get me through it. So if any of you have any words of wisdom, I'd LOVE to hear them.
We've been apart for 2 years and 3 months. He's been addicted to his pain meds post car accident for 17 years most significantly the last 8 years(sometimes were better than others).
I still love him deeply, and he loves me too. He 'thinks' he is trying so hard to get his life in control, but won't accept that the real problem is the meds rather than the actual pain he takes it for. He does all the ugly addict stuff that causes havoc in our family, but 'he' truly is a wonderful person behind it all. Every once in a while I get to see that person.
As this is getting closer, I'm not being able to sleep. All the insecurities, stresses, and doubt are consuming me. I know this is the best thing to be doing, especially for the stability of our children.
I assume I will be 'released' and really able to heal after we get through this process but just need a pep talk to get me through it. So if any of you have any words of wisdom, I'd LOVE to hear them.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Frog))))) No great words, I'm sorry. I think it is always the most scary in anticipation of a major change and the hardest part is just getting to the point that it is done. All I can say is you are right...you are doing the very best thing possible for your family. You are protecting your children from the insanity and giving them a chance to live in a safe and peaceful environment. That's what it's all about, right?
Divorce does not mean you have to stop loving him. It truly is the act of detaching with love in this situation. Perhaps it would bring some comfort to remind yourself that there is always hope and perhaps someday he will get it and you will see the man you love completely, not just hidden behind the crazy active addiction ways.
It always helps me in situations like this to stay in today, to not think about future-tripping; to remind myself I can get through this day and this day only and find something to be grateful for.
Sending lots of prayers to you and your family. Hugs
Divorce does not mean you have to stop loving him. It truly is the act of detaching with love in this situation. Perhaps it would bring some comfort to remind yourself that there is always hope and perhaps someday he will get it and you will see the man you love completely, not just hidden behind the crazy active addiction ways.
It always helps me in situations like this to stay in today, to not think about future-tripping; to remind myself I can get through this day and this day only and find something to be grateful for.
Sending lots of prayers to you and your family. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Frog !!
Its been such a long road getting to this point. You struggled with addiction and the havoc it wreaked on your marriage and family. You struggled with the decision to get a divorce and now that its looming so close your having pangs of doubt. I understand. I really do.
I thought the day my divorce became final would be a big moment of liberation for me but it wasn't. It was a really sad day. Probably the absolute lowest point out of the whole journey for me. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do it still hurt. It didn't matter that I spent years praying about it...contemplating it...it still hurt like crazy and I still had alot of doubts and overwhelming feelings of guilt.
Looking back (now that I've been legally divorced for over 2 years now), I see that the divorce was just one more step in the journey for me. I still keep in close contact with my ex. He is working on his recovery and I see alot of the person he was before addiction entered our life. We still do things together as a family with our son. Divorce didn't magically erase the ties that bind. The only thing it did do was protect me legally and financially from the fall out of his addiction. It gave me back some much needed control over my life. And now, when my ex is a part of my life and the life of our son its because he is healthy and its a matter of choice for me...I don't feel so defensive or involved in what he is doing or not doing in terms of his recovery because I am not legally or financially effected by any of it anymore. I think its made our relationship better in many ways.
Nothing magical is going to happen on divorce day. Its just a legal declaration that the marriage is over but all of the good things that you cherish about your ex...the love you still have for him...the happy memories you shared...will still be there. Divorce doesn't take any of that away. It just means that you are free from the insanity when/if you need to be. Who knows what the future holds for either one of you. Divorce doesn't foreclose any of the possiblities...it just frees you up to make the choices you need to make and allows you to make them for the right reasons.
Try not to look too far ahead. Who knows what the future will hold. Try to remember why you decided to do this in the first place. God's got a plan. I didn't see it back on divorce day but I sure as heck see it now.
Hugs to you...
:ghug2
Its been such a long road getting to this point. You struggled with addiction and the havoc it wreaked on your marriage and family. You struggled with the decision to get a divorce and now that its looming so close your having pangs of doubt. I understand. I really do.
I thought the day my divorce became final would be a big moment of liberation for me but it wasn't. It was a really sad day. Probably the absolute lowest point out of the whole journey for me. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do it still hurt. It didn't matter that I spent years praying about it...contemplating it...it still hurt like crazy and I still had alot of doubts and overwhelming feelings of guilt.
Looking back (now that I've been legally divorced for over 2 years now), I see that the divorce was just one more step in the journey for me. I still keep in close contact with my ex. He is working on his recovery and I see alot of the person he was before addiction entered our life. We still do things together as a family with our son. Divorce didn't magically erase the ties that bind. The only thing it did do was protect me legally and financially from the fall out of his addiction. It gave me back some much needed control over my life. And now, when my ex is a part of my life and the life of our son its because he is healthy and its a matter of choice for me...I don't feel so defensive or involved in what he is doing or not doing in terms of his recovery because I am not legally or financially effected by any of it anymore. I think its made our relationship better in many ways.
Nothing magical is going to happen on divorce day. Its just a legal declaration that the marriage is over but all of the good things that you cherish about your ex...the love you still have for him...the happy memories you shared...will still be there. Divorce doesn't take any of that away. It just means that you are free from the insanity when/if you need to be. Who knows what the future holds for either one of you. Divorce doesn't foreclose any of the possiblities...it just frees you up to make the choices you need to make and allows you to make them for the right reasons.
Try not to look too far ahead. Who knows what the future will hold. Try to remember why you decided to do this in the first place. God's got a plan. I didn't see it back on divorce day but I sure as heck see it now.
Hugs to you...
:ghug2
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
It is scary; I am about three weeks away from what could be my final hearing, too. I am also struggling with it on many levels. Not wavering in the decision by any means, but struggling just the same.
A close friend of mine pointed out that divorce changes our whole identity; I have fought for so many years to keep things looking as normal as possible to the world, and now that identity is going out the window. No longer a wife.
I guess the actual finalization of the divorce, for me at least, is the acceptance that he never 'got it'; on some level I think I held onto just a bit of hope that he would magically see the light and everything would get better.
I think what you(we) are going through is part of the grieving process-grieving the loss of the dream, not the loss of the person. Doesn't change what we have to do, though.
Sending hugs and prayers to you!
A close friend of mine pointed out that divorce changes our whole identity; I have fought for so many years to keep things looking as normal as possible to the world, and now that identity is going out the window. No longer a wife.
I guess the actual finalization of the divorce, for me at least, is the acceptance that he never 'got it'; on some level I think I held onto just a bit of hope that he would magically see the light and everything would get better.
I think what you(we) are going through is part of the grieving process-grieving the loss of the dream, not the loss of the person. Doesn't change what we have to do, though.
Sending hugs and prayers to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
Thanks, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I do feel like I am following God's will but it is really easy to divert myself from that because, "How can God support what I'm doing when He hates divorce?" I see His had in this all over the place, and when I allow it, I feel His comfort. Sometimes when I make myself just take one day at a time I feel like I'm putting myself in a protective bubble of denial by not thinking about what is really happening. I was doing much much better, but as the final stages get closer my focus weakens.
Thanks, I am going to print these and put them in my journal so I can pull them back out in my moments of weakness.
Thanks, I am going to print these and put them in my journal so I can pull them back out in my moments of weakness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Adolf Hitler loved dogs.
Inside of every havoc-creating, self-centered, self-destructive addict is a swell guy, very lovable.
I couldn't say anything better than Limb did above. You're making the right decision to legally and physically separate yourself and your children from the chaos. You can go on loving him if you want to......this is not a statement of his worth as a person, or a statement that you don't care. This is a legal proceeding that will protect you and your kids from the kind of instability that can ruin the rest of their lives.
But absolutely go on loving him. He's still a person. You just need to put you & your kids first, and him second.
Love you first. You are doing the right thing, and I think you know it. But, as a friend once said, "the closer you get to the gates, the louder the lions roar" ---- your mind is throwing up all kinds of chaos right now.
You will be okay, frog.
Inside of every havoc-creating, self-centered, self-destructive addict is a swell guy, very lovable.
I couldn't say anything better than Limb did above. You're making the right decision to legally and physically separate yourself and your children from the chaos. You can go on loving him if you want to......this is not a statement of his worth as a person, or a statement that you don't care. This is a legal proceeding that will protect you and your kids from the kind of instability that can ruin the rest of their lives.
But absolutely go on loving him. He's still a person. You just need to put you & your kids first, and him second.
Love you first. You are doing the right thing, and I think you know it. But, as a friend once said, "the closer you get to the gates, the louder the lions roar" ---- your mind is throwing up all kinds of chaos right now.
You will be okay, frog.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
"Hop"
I feel for you today.
I am in a similar position. My husband is not my addict but he is pretty messed up with depression and other mental issues just the same. I have had to detach and have used every skill I have learned in al-anon and my co-dependency recovery to deal with the detachment process.
I originally left in anger. I am still away from him but have come to accept that I do love him deeply and he loves me deeply BUT... that doesn't seem to be the answer for us. I see so many characteristics in him that describe addicts, such as emotional withdrawals, inability to attach for any period of time, escapism, beating himself up, etc. that I am surprised addiction is not his issue. I know now that our relationship will never have a chance unless he gets the help he needs to change and I am learning to stop trying to be his savior and become my own. Some days I am better at it than others. Today it is a hard one for me. I know I have posted this before but I'm not sure you have seen it so here it is again. I keep this by my bedside for those times when I question my decision to detach and let him figure this out, but mostly to leave it in the hands of my HP.:
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Accepting Love
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
I feel for you today.
I am in a similar position. My husband is not my addict but he is pretty messed up with depression and other mental issues just the same. I have had to detach and have used every skill I have learned in al-anon and my co-dependency recovery to deal with the detachment process.
I originally left in anger. I am still away from him but have come to accept that I do love him deeply and he loves me deeply BUT... that doesn't seem to be the answer for us. I see so many characteristics in him that describe addicts, such as emotional withdrawals, inability to attach for any period of time, escapism, beating himself up, etc. that I am surprised addiction is not his issue. I know now that our relationship will never have a chance unless he gets the help he needs to change and I am learning to stop trying to be his savior and become my own. Some days I am better at it than others. Today it is a hard one for me. I know I have posted this before but I'm not sure you have seen it so here it is again. I keep this by my bedside for those times when I question my decision to detach and let him figure this out, but mostly to leave it in the hands of my HP.:
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Accepting Love
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we're so tired we don't care.
Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.
In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.'
We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it's own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?
We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.
Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Almost 'me' again
Posts: 102
I do see that our relationship was all me give, give, giving...I know it was as unhealthy as heck. I know that there would be a whole lot more than getting clean that would need to happen to ever have a relationship with him. I didn't see that before. I was young and dreamy. Thought if we both loved each other we could do anything. I know I wasn't mistaken by the love he truely has for me, I was just wrong about the power of love.
Thanks for all you help gals!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll focus on: Just for today, Just for today, Just for today, Just for today.............
Thanks for all you help gals!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll focus on: Just for today, Just for today, Just for today, Just for today.............
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Ya know, frog...
I'm just sitting here thinking about your post...
And my heart feels for you.
It really does.
This really strikes a big cord with me.
I also know that my ex loves me more than anything and anyone in this world. I know he does. I know he didn't do anything to hurt me intentionally. I know he'd take it all back if he only could. I guess thats what hurts the most sometimes...still...after all this time... I see him struggle with his recovery trying to make things 'right' and although I'm happy for him and proud of him on alot of levels, there's just so much damage that can never really be healed. It will always be there. And its sad, really.
But but but I also have to say that you shared a very special time in your life with this man. I'm sure you have some very happy and precious memories of your time with him... I'm sure there were rays of sunshine amidst the darkness... You started your family with him. Alot of days (even now...after all this time...) I sometimes wish I could just hate my ex but I can't. I'll always love him. And I'm sure you'll always love yours too... This whole divorce thing is so difficult sometimes even when you know its the right way to go...
Keep going...keep looking forward...you're doing great in your recovery and you're a very strong woman. Tuck your memories in a special place in your heart and cherish them. Things will get better...they'll get easier with time.
Sending hugs, prayers and strength your way.
do something nice for yourself. I'm a big fan of hot bubble baths myself... Be kind and patient with yourself okay?
I'm just sitting here thinking about your post...
And my heart feels for you.
It really does.
I know I wasn't mistaken by the love he truely has for me, I was just wrong about the power of love.
I also know that my ex loves me more than anything and anyone in this world. I know he does. I know he didn't do anything to hurt me intentionally. I know he'd take it all back if he only could. I guess thats what hurts the most sometimes...still...after all this time... I see him struggle with his recovery trying to make things 'right' and although I'm happy for him and proud of him on alot of levels, there's just so much damage that can never really be healed. It will always be there. And its sad, really.
But but but I also have to say that you shared a very special time in your life with this man. I'm sure you have some very happy and precious memories of your time with him... I'm sure there were rays of sunshine amidst the darkness... You started your family with him. Alot of days (even now...after all this time...) I sometimes wish I could just hate my ex but I can't. I'll always love him. And I'm sure you'll always love yours too... This whole divorce thing is so difficult sometimes even when you know its the right way to go...
Keep going...keep looking forward...you're doing great in your recovery and you're a very strong woman. Tuck your memories in a special place in your heart and cherish them. Things will get better...they'll get easier with time.
Sending hugs, prayers and strength your way.
do something nice for yourself. I'm a big fan of hot bubble baths myself... Be kind and patient with yourself okay?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I love Outonalimb's words, Frog. She puts words to my own feelings, and I'll bet a lot of us here also. You don't have to hate the guy to divorce him, though. You have to LOVE yourself to do it. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself enough to save yourself. You know you can't do it for him and that he will have to do that for/by himself. It took me 4 years of separation and wavering to divorce my husband of 28 years. He still loves me, and I suppose I will always love him back, but I will not ever put myself in that situation again. It nearly killed me, and definitely did a number on my soul and spirit. Today, in my own house, the loneliest day I have doesn't compare to how terribly lonely I was married to an alcoholic. Stay the course. Time will make all the difference.
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