mle-sober

Hi. New here. Also newly sober - 13 days. My husband wants to tell his parents, his aunts, and his siblings. I feel like he has every right to tell his story to people who care about him. And yet, I feel so exposed. I am working so hard. My husband is very uneducated about alcoholism - doesn't buy that it's a disease - thinks I'm lying in my recovery (I'm not but he has reasonable reasons to suspect it. I was a very reclusive alcoholic for years and years and lied to eveyone. My question: In order to move forward in my recovery and put up blocks, do I need to just let him tell his family in whatever way he does - blaming me for weakness of will and morals? Is that part of the surrender I need to do even though it feels awful?

Thank you.

GreenTea

Well now... That's a very interesting question!

More than anything, what screams out to me is "co-dependence". I think your husband needs to find an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible. He has been affected by things too, and will need help as your spouse in order for both (or either) of you to recover.

It sounds to me like he is violating your boundaries and being abusive in an effort to control you.

It doesn't matter whether or not HE thinks it a disease. The fact remains that YOU are seeking help.

How does trying to humiliate you help with recovery? ... Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you are somehow lessened as a human being because you seek recovery. What I'm saying is that HE seems to think so based on what you are telling us.

It sounds to me like he is trying to "beat you into submission"... If only you'd go back to being a "good little screw-up" then everything would be fine and he's back in control again, (the only "adult" in the relationship and therefore entitled to not only order you around but also to dictate to you what to think).

It is NOT by any means whatsoever any sort of requirement of recovery to go shouting to the rooftops that you are seeking help, (certainly not any recovery program that *I* know about). Only YOU can make the decision whether or not to tell ANYBODY. If you aren't comfortable telling *anyone*, then as your husband, he needs to respect that.

If you had cancer (God forbid) and were going through treatment, how would his actions appear?

It sounds to me like he is confusing "surrender" with "submission"... Surrender to me is eliminating denial about my alcoholism or the effects it has on my life. Also, surrender is something which YOU need to do -- he can't "hand it" to you, somehow "forcing" you to it through humiliation. That's trying to "own" someone, not letting up until you give in to his will.

HE needs help just as badly and as urgently as YOU do.

You are not alone, and you are not insane... and you do not deserve what you say he is doing.

reed

I don't think your husband has the right to say sh*t. Its your own personal business. If you want to tell people about your personal life, that is your decision. Congrats on your sobriety! Keep it up!

CAPTAINZING2000

Well

from what you wrote, I wouldn't be having him attend an open meeting with you anytime soon!!

Most of my family knows, I'm in AA

I'm ok with it. A few friends know, I'm in AA.

If, anyone asks you can always say, you're working on improving your quality of life. and move on to another subject.

Did most of the family suspect you were drinking?

I'll keep my thoughts to myself of what I think about how supporting your husband appears to be !!!!!!!

ANGELINA243

I totally agree with both GreenTea and reed. I don't know if you personally attend any group meetings--but he is breaking your anonymity. No one else has the right to tell anyone about your drinking but you. :wtf2

GreenTea

Let me guess, mle...

He also talks about what you are doing to HIM... About how you're embarrassing him, and making things difficult for him... how you're messing up HIS life... and how it makes HIM look... See what he has to go through now because of you?

Does he hit you?

mle-sober

This is good stuff. Thank you all for so much feedback. I'm feeling pretty yucky and like I need to just take anything he dishes out. He's a good man but has control issues. We've done some counseling and since then, he hasn't touched me in anger. But in the past there were a couple of times times One where he got me down on the floor with his hands around my neck. Another where he pulled me out of the bathtub by my armpits and down the hall to our room. He definatly needs help. I think he will get it. He's going to AlAnon tonight I think and he has agreed to start one on one therapy by next month. Because I felt that his anger and judgement (although mostly cloaked in an "I'm on you team" attitude) are a serious risk for me drinking again.

Anyway - thank you all for you help. I'm printing it out and re-reading it when I get weak about it all.

CAPTAINZING2000

Have You Got A Sponsor?

GreenTea

You are not alone, Emily... You are not alone! You are not alone! You are not alone!

CarolD

Welcome to SR!


What would happen if you told his family
before he got the chance?
Not advocating this action necessarily
but the illusion of his control would be smashed.

I did not stay with an abusive husband.
He punched me...I left the next day.

Congratulations on your sober time!

mle-sober

Funny you should suggest that! The only way I could envision feeling nominally okay about this was if I told people first. I was able to email his parents and also his brother that I feel most comfortable with. His other siblings - I just couldn't pull up the necessary strength. And I wasn't able to get to his Aunt and Uncle because he was actually on his way to visit them for the evening (and spend the night). So I just let that go. I did ask him to treat me - in his conversations - with dignity and gently but I don't know if that stuck.

I don't have a sponsor yet. I am in a 4-night a week hospital intensive outpatient program. It's a good program and it has helped me considerably already.

All of your words give me so much to think about. Thank you.

ANGELINA243

mle--You are not alone. He most certainly has some issues of his own>which he needs to work out. I'm glad you are ok >physical violence is a scary thing. Been in the same situation myself--that was the last time he assaulted me. The police say I'm lucky to still be alive--he almost killed me. Anyway, that just brought back a very frightful memory when reading your post.

Focus on your recovery--stay strong! You have a support team here at SR! :ghug3

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Welcome!

Good for you for seeking help with your problem. I hope that both of you get the help that you need.

I had a controlling now ex husband. I'm with Carol..the one time he hit me he was arrested and I filed for divorce shortly thereafter. Recovery is hard...please take care of yourself.

Big hugs,

Karen

TDinATL

UH-oh, I bet people will hate me for this post... MLE, I know this is a disease and wouldn't degrade anyone struggling with it at all - I sure don't agree with that. I recently realized my wife has an alcohol abuse issue, rather than just being someone that 'gets drunk' occasionally.

I've spent 10 years listening to how things are my fault, that there is no alcohol problem, I've had 2 of my best friends tell me that my wife made passes at them when she was drunk, she passed out at my boss's house on Christmas... the list goes on.

Throughout the years I believed a lot of what she told me. She'd swear she hadn't been drinking even though she was slurring her speech and reaking of beer. I'd want to believe her but each situation pecked away at my trust level. She would yell, scream, throw things sometimes when she was drinking. But I dare not say anything.

We split last year and after 7 months of separation we wanted to try to reconcile. I promised some things to her (I was not innocent in everything) and vice versa - one of her promises was not drinking. (I know now that she can't quit for me, but didn't realize the severity at that time) Sorry, I'm rambling... fast forward here.

She came home drunk abot 2-weeks ago and when I confronted her she went off on me, got in my face yelling, etc. I tried to go stay in the guest room and she went at me more for walking away - she litterally was pushing me with her chest and running her mouth at me and I lost control of my temper/emotions. I grabbed her (I say by the shoulders, she swears I was choking her) yelled how much I hated her drinking and pushed her down on the couch then locked myself in the spare bedroom - which I got yelled at for later because I 'walked away like nothing happened'.

I definitely, definitely do not think what I did was acceptable in the least. I should have jumped out the window before losing control like that. However, I've fought this battle and road this roller coaster for 10 years with her and she lied, snuck and broke promises one time too many.

I had to talk about it with people once I realized the issue. For one thing she got on the phone calling family telling them I almost choked her to death. I had family calling me asking what was going on - when they got the full story they were surprised. I talk because I NEED to get some of this out. I was (am?) about to go crazy. I still love my wife but feel divorce is the only option.

I hope this information/persepctive is helpful, and if I offended anyone with my POV I did not mean to. If my wife was willing to face things I would support her as someone battling an illness, but I won't be blamed for it anymore. I would never go around bashing her to family - I still love, respect and trust my wife. It's that evil alchol that I can't stand.

Good luck on you journey, I wish you great success!

mle-sober

TDinATL - thank you for your perspective. I spend a lot of time trying to put myself in his shoes and experiencing quite a bit of discomfort when I do so. That's actually why I initially posed the question. I mean, on some level, this is his story too. And he has a right to tell his story. The story he has is one of being betrayed again and again as I lied to him about my drinking. My fear is that he will tell that story primarily and leave off my two weeks of sobriety, my enrollment in an intensive outpatient clinic, my attendence at AA meetings. He has not gotten to the point where he feels pride in my hard work (or really even recognizes that it is hard work) and he appears (from my perspective) to view the recent events as him discovering my immoral, stupid, money-wasting habits. He does not realize that all of the blah blah blah that went into me drinking heavily and secretively every single day now has to get slowly picked apart. And that is very, very hard for me. He does not realize that my brain *craves* alcohol every single day and to constantly turn my attention away from that obsession is hard and takes courage. So I don't feel loved and supported in my efforts right now. He is doubtful that I am telling the truth and he is carrying around a current of disdain for me (for instance - no sex). I've never been violent with him although I have been very stupid and crying and acting like the world was going to end and all I wanted was for him to comfort me and he would just walk away. I have to say - I don't blame him. I know he has to go through a process of his own. I'm just trying to figure out where his process ends and mine starts in terms of him TELLING people about what I am going through. I feel betrayed by him making that a priority when I know he is not in the most sopportive of places to be talking about me. At the same time, I want to do a good job with my new recovery and if he should be allowed to talk to other people about my recent developments, then I want to surrender to that. And breath. And not see it as a sign that he is trying to sabotage my efforts. I actually don't think he is TRYING to do that. But I think he might IN EFFECT do that just by putting his needs to share the story over my needs to keep a very delicate time private.

wjw1970

I have driven my otherwise gentle DH into doing and saying things he normally would not do if he didn't have to deal with a drunk DW all the time.

That being said, he is not perfect, has his own flaws, which in the past have made me feel like "Well, if I have to deal with that, I'm going to drink"

Right now, he doesn't even know that I am on day 6, and I am not sharing with him until I'm stronger with my quit. Just because he has BTDT with me in the past. And his family will put unneeded pressure on me, because they are well, *normal* (wth ever that means)

I would not care for him to share my struggle so early in my quit, because 1) it's still fragile and every minute is tough.
2) They hold alot of passive/agressive resentment towards me and my drinking problem. They honestly couldn't care less, except that it is affecting *their* family member. If DH wasn't involved, I'd be just another trashy drunk in their opinion. I know I have been the cause of turmoil, I don't deserve to always be looked down opon. Neither do you, especially since you are giving your best shot to turn it around.

I don't know if my reply helps, but remember, even if he shares, don't give them the power to affect your effort to remain sober. I know the time will come when DH's family will know I'm trying to be sober, but hopefully by the time they know, I won't care how they react. I'll be rockin' on regardless.

I think it's great you are seeking help. IMO, that gives YOU the power to control your recovery. I hope your DH will work with you and not against you.

Sorry for the rambling, sending you best wishes!

TDinATL

MLE,

Even as you tell your story, I can feel your pain and empathize with what you are going through. I wish my wife would realize her problem, but I'm afraid when that happens I probably won't be around any longer. Don't think I mentioned it in my first post but she left me that night we fought.

I only talk to people that I know love and care for not only me, but my wife as well. I would not tolerate someone talking poorly of her about anything, not even the alcohol that's affected us both.

Not sure of your faith beliefs but I just said a prayer for you personally and everyone struggling with recovery, as well as those that need to realize.

Blessings,

TD