Negative Man

As I've read a thousand times in the Big Book when a person falls off the wagon, they say "I don't know how that happened!" And that's true for me now. It's embarrassing to write this, but also helpful in a spiritual way. I made it through 40 days with so much help from my friends at SR. But I drank last night.

Three glasses of wine on a Valentine's date. If I had to narrate my thoughts at the time they would've been "This little one glass won't hurt." And then the second glass and then the third. When I got home, if I'd had alcohol in the house I would've drank it all. I feel somewhat fortunate that I had the presence of mind to simply go to bed.

Arrgh. I feel physically terrible today. Anxiety in my chest. Fear and loathing in my head. A voice saying "Well, you might as well drink for the weekend now." I'm doing my best to ignore that voice and get back on the two week and under thread.

Anyways, a Public Service Announcement: If you're a somewhat newbie like me, and a voice says "This little bit won't hurt," remember the Sad Ballad of Negative Man, and remember that it will hurt, and that it's not worth all the hard work you've done up until this point.

Sigh. Thanks for reading this everyone. I'm grateful to have a place to come to so that I can say how I feel, instead of keeping it all inside.

I'm looking for the Smiley where the cartoon character dope-slaps himself, but I'm not finding it. So I'll just have to settle for...

best

Seems you do know how it happened.
Guess what?
If it comes around again, you will know what is the better choice the next time.
We can learn much when we fall off the wagon.

Use what you have learned.
Dust yourself off.
You can do it better then the 40 now because you have the 40 days of experience and this new found experience.

Dee74

Don't obsess too much over this - everyone's had a tumble at some stage. Put this experience in your kit bag, get back on the road and learn from it

D

nogard

Glad youre still with us, I belive that is most important to keep on in recovery no matter what. That and working out what I can do differently this time.

Kevin

tay-lyn

Hey Negative Man;
You're human. Slips happen. I know what you mean about thinking 'well, I've already slipped so why not go for it'.
I try to think about it this way: If you're on a diet and you slip and eat a chocolate bar............one chocolate bar is better than 50. One chocolate bar doesn't mean your diet is over.....50 does! So think about the drink like that.
You're still on the wagon, you just hit a bump in the road that gave you a jolt. Just cause you hit a bump, doesn't mean you stop and give up on the trip. No, you keep going until you reach your destination.
So don't give up, brush off and keep going!
We're with ya all the way.

Anna

Hey Negative Man,

Recognizing that nasty addict voice for what it is, is a huge step in recovery.

Now you can choose to ignore it and move forward.

tanyapmc

:ghug3

StayinAlive

Just a bump in the road, really glad to hear it didn't lead to a full on bender. Tell that "might as well drink" voice to screw off, things could get ugly fast if you do drink.

Stick close this weekend, you can do it

C2H5OH_Free

Bummer man, but you are handling it correctly. See you back here in 29 days!!!!!!!!!

1963comet

You jumped back on the wagon, that is what counts.

Hevyn

After my thread of 1/24 where I briefly went "back in" you wrote and told me you were proud of me. Now I'm proud of you, for having the good sense to come on here and admit what happened. Dee told me, "When it's the last time, you know it", and sure enough, something's different for me this time -I even posted my sobriety date, I hadn't before. I guess I just needed that one more glimpse of hell. I'm at Day 33 & have not looked back this time. You're going to do it too.

gravity

Hi NM,

You know, in the past I would have reacted to a situation like this in one of two ways:
- F**k it. I can't stop. Might as well get good and hammered this weekend, or
- Awesome! I can drink sociably! I'm not an alcoholic! I'm calling up my drinking buddies and going out for a few beers this weekend (I'd conveniently ignore that for me, it sucks sipping drinks and that if more beer had been readily available, I would have been on a bender).

In your case, here are the facts (as I see them ):
- You didn't drink for 40 days
- In those 40 days you have developed several tools to address your drinking problem
- In the past 41 days (and counting) you have helped so many people (including me) quit drinking, stay sober, or bounce back
- You drank 3 glasses of wine but immediately got back up fighting
- you are learning from your experience

Right now is all that really matters & right now everything is in it's place. Keep up the awesome job!


(PS - Did I just quote Van Halen lyrics? - Yikes !).

Rowan

Hi NM,

I'm glad you made it back. I enjoy your posts and your positive outlook on life. Stick close to us here at SR - you're in the right place.

reed

"it's not...yesterday....anymore." -Talking Heads, 77

theonlyway

I'm just going to say that this really sums it up for me, too.

You've been SUCH an asset here, to me and to so many...

You've been an inspiration for 41 days and today is NO different.

you KNOW that I'm right behind you... I'm actually already having dreams and premonitions about those glasses of wine that I can almost "feel" are in my destiny...

I'm struggling with that, and at the same time, I have this security, which is OBVIOUSLY false, right along with it, in my program...

U are one of my many heros and today only makes you more REAL and INSPIRATIONAL, thank you NM... for everything, but mostly for being HERE.

~C

GreenTea

Welcome back, N-Man!
Its not how many times we fall off the wagon... Its how many times we climb back on again!

Hey, check it out! Seatbelts!

CAPTAINZING2000

Just glad, you didn't come back on here a posting how great it made you feel.

We call this sending out scouts where I come from.

You're admission helped me and others.

I ever go to a meeting or have people pop on this site and say how drinking just made them a better life, I might be tempted to try it again.

But, until that day, you've convinced me to stay sober

CarolD

Many of us had false starts on our way to solid recovery.

Forward we go...side by side NM

C2H5OH_Free

Sorry, I meant 13 days, unless you slip up again, which you'd better not do, or I'll drive up to SF and kick your butt!!!!!!!!!

Boofester

Hey Nm,

If I could keep it to 3 drinks and not give into temptation to buy more, I wouldn't feel that bad...

For me, I think as important as it is to stop drinking, it's equally important to tamp down the self-recrimination when we come up short. I've learned to tell myself that I'm a teetotaler trapped in the body of a drunk. That helps me navigate through the pitfalls and snares, and also softens the blow when I fail..... You have nothing to be ashamed of...!