Should I tell his mom?*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 5
Should I tell his mom?*
Hi everyone...
I have a question on my soon to be ex fiance about what to tell his mom. She's been so happy with him lately that he got himself together and that we're getting married.
How do I tell her that the wedding is off because he relapsed. Is it my place to tell his mom that he relapsed? I know he wouldnt want her to know, and try to work it out on his own. I know his family would shun him and be disapointed. I know I can't just not talk to her about why we're taking a "break."
Anyone have any advice???
I have a question on my soon to be ex fiance about what to tell his mom. She's been so happy with him lately that he got himself together and that we're getting married.
How do I tell her that the wedding is off because he relapsed. Is it my place to tell his mom that he relapsed? I know he wouldnt want her to know, and try to work it out on his own. I know his family would shun him and be disapointed. I know I can't just not talk to her about why we're taking a "break."
Anyone have any advice???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Tough situation you are in. Only advice I have is that if you have to talk to his mom I would keep the statements limited to how YOU feel and about what YOU want and dont want. No need to tell on your ex fiance. Perhaps you could say that YOU decided you did not want to get married due to some personal reasons. YOU felt you were not ready or that it didnt feel right. Leave the rest up to your ex finace to explain to his mom or others if he wants to.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
This is a difficult time for many people, the loss of the dream etc etc. If you are really close to his mother and feel a need to talk with her, I agree with the others... keep the focus on YOU. She may already know about his addiction, she may be in denial, but whatever her status is, it's not about you. This will most likely be one of many opportunities you will have to walk thru a difficult situation with dignity and grace.
You've made a personal decision that he is not the man you want to marry right now, and you wish him all the best.... you hope that people can understand your need for privacy during this painful time.
I had to use that same line ~a bit modified to say I've made a decision that he is no longer the man I can be married to. PERIOD. The rest just isn't anyone else's deal.
Hugs and prayers.
Cats
You've made a personal decision that he is not the man you want to marry right now, and you wish him all the best.... you hope that people can understand your need for privacy during this painful time.
I had to use that same line ~a bit modified to say I've made a decision that he is no longer the man I can be married to. PERIOD. The rest just isn't anyone else's deal.
Hugs and prayers.
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Butterfly,
First off, I am sorry it must be hard to break off an engadgement. I very much respect you for having the courage to!!
I don't mean to hijack your post, but I don't understand why you wouldn't tell his parents the truth. They are his parents. It just feels like "keeping secrets" to me. I don't think of it as "narcing" or "blaming" or "shaming." I come from the perspective of the wife of the addict. For me at least it wasn't just my husband who lied to me. There were a lot of people who knew a lot more about who he was, where he was and what he was doing than I did... It's funny- I also felt judged by the same people for being such an "enabler." Enabler heck... I thought he was working late or out of town with them, hunting with them, etc. etc. Sadly after the divorce AND after I "detached" then I learned a lot more.
I've had some (honesty? tons of resentments) over that.
This is just my personal experience and feeling. I still think if I was the parent- mom- I would want to be told the truth. I doubt the addict is going to be honest about why. Mine would not have. It almost feels like enabling to me. Something that has always confused me- what is and is not enabling. Can anyone explain further?
Butterfly- sorry if you "get" it- and this is hijacking your post.
First off, I am sorry it must be hard to break off an engadgement. I very much respect you for having the courage to!!
I don't mean to hijack your post, but I don't understand why you wouldn't tell his parents the truth. They are his parents. It just feels like "keeping secrets" to me. I don't think of it as "narcing" or "blaming" or "shaming." I come from the perspective of the wife of the addict. For me at least it wasn't just my husband who lied to me. There were a lot of people who knew a lot more about who he was, where he was and what he was doing than I did... It's funny- I also felt judged by the same people for being such an "enabler." Enabler heck... I thought he was working late or out of town with them, hunting with them, etc. etc. Sadly after the divorce AND after I "detached" then I learned a lot more.
I've had some (honesty? tons of resentments) over that.
This is just my personal experience and feeling. I still think if I was the parent- mom- I would want to be told the truth. I doubt the addict is going to be honest about why. Mine would not have. It almost feels like enabling to me. Something that has always confused me- what is and is not enabling. Can anyone explain further?
Butterfly- sorry if you "get" it- and this is hijacking your post.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think she'll figure it out all by herself, I know I would.
I agree that you don't need to hide or lie, just have a phrase ready and prepare to use it. "Things aren't working out well for us and I'm not prepared to say more about it." Sort of says it all, yes?
Hugs
I agree that you don't need to hide or lie, just have a phrase ready and prepare to use it. "Things aren't working out well for us and I'm not prepared to say more about it." Sort of says it all, yes?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
I can only reply from my own experience....and it may not be appropriate in your situation but my son "lost" a beautiful young woman due to his addiction...a woman I would have loved to call "daughter"....
she and i had a good relationship and when she finally decided to leave she told me personally about her decision....I was able to tell her that I understood and that if she was my daughter I would urge her to do what she was doing and to take care of herself...
we cried (alot) and she has stayed in touch (a phone call from time to time....a happy holiday call etc...)
addiction took alot from me (including this young woman) but at least we had a chance to say goodbye...
Just my thoughts....
she and i had a good relationship and when she finally decided to leave she told me personally about her decision....I was able to tell her that I understood and that if she was my daughter I would urge her to do what she was doing and to take care of herself...
we cried (alot) and she has stayed in touch (a phone call from time to time....a happy holiday call etc...)
addiction took alot from me (including this young woman) but at least we had a chance to say goodbye...
Just my thoughts....
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I guess it depends on how close you are to his mother. I'm very very close to my MIL and I told her about my AH recent relapse.. she was able to get me in contact with someone that is a recovering addict and that is willing to help my Husband.
At first I was afraid to tell her because I didn't want to hurt her or worry her but I figured she was going to find out sooner or later and I hoped the later wouldent be when something horrible happend. Addiction is a family disease and if affects the whole family whether they know about the addiction or not.
I'm going to say follow your heart.. if your heart and gut says to tell her then tell her..
At first I was afraid to tell her because I didn't want to hurt her or worry her but I figured she was going to find out sooner or later and I hoped the later wouldent be when something horrible happend. Addiction is a family disease and if affects the whole family whether they know about the addiction or not.
I'm going to say follow your heart.. if your heart and gut says to tell her then tell her..
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