HELP: alcoholic homeless sister wants to move in
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
HELP: alcoholic homeless sister wants to move in
I really need advice: what has always been a bad situation just got much, much, worse.
My sister has been an alcoholic for over 10 years. She also has a history of abusing prescription drugs. She's never been able to function as an adult (she's 40) and thus has been rescued countless times by my parents and other family members. She recently lived with my parents out of state for a year. It was an awful situation; she would not seek help and my parents would not kick her out. My parents nearly divorced because of having to deal with her issues every day.
My sister, who I will call "Jane", was offered a room in a friend's house in the state I live in, across the country, so she took up the offer and recently moved back. she had very little money, but she was able to transfer her job when she moved and living with a friend (a responsible, non-alcoholic) seemed like a good situation. But overall none of us thought it was a good idea because she's NEVER dealt with her alcoholism and I knew she would fall into trouble again. I mean, she couldn't function in the past, how could she suddenly function in a very expensive city on her own?
So anyway, as I predicted, she had a near-fatal overdose on prescription meds and alcohol this past week. Her roommate had to call an ambulance and Jane was carted off to the hospital. The roommate then confessed that Jane had been going steadily downhill since she moved in; hallucinating and waking the roommate up at night, calling me at all hours drunk, etc. I wasn't surprised that she'd gone to the hospital again, I'll put it that way (she's been in and out of hospitals over 20 times now).
So to make a long story short, the roommate evicted Jane. The roommate had the locks changed and does not want Jane to come back. Jane's bank account is overdrawn by $500 and she has no money and no place to live. She is being kept in the hospital for a few days while social workers try to find her a halfway house situation for her, but so far the waiting list is months long.
My parents--actually, only my dad, my mom sees otherwise--my dad wants either myself and my husband or my brother and his wife to take Jane in until she can be placed in a halfway house. I do not want to do it. My brother already had it out with my dad on the phone and refused to help Jane. My dad hung up the phone on me when I told him that I was resentful and didn't like the idea of having to bail Jane out once again (I've taken her to hospitals, saved her life by forcing her to throw up when she was choking on her own vomit, etc.). After a few years of bailing her out I realized that I was enabling her and quit doing so. My parents have been bailing her out of every situation she gets herself into ever since.
Before Jane moved out here, I made the decision to separate myself from Jane's problems because I am sickened by what this disease is doing to her and to my family. I told Jane and my parents point blank that "if Jane gets into trouble out here, I AM NOT going to rescue her. I will not take her in. I will not be held responsible for picking up her pieces". My parents and Jane said they understood, etc., but of course, words are cheap: she's not okay and now she's homeless and my dad wants my husband and I to take her in.
I do NOT want to do this. But I do not want Jane to end up homeless on the streets of San Francisco; she would be eaten alive.
Please help. How can I stop being involved in this cycle of destruction? It is not fair to me or my spouse and I do not want to take her in.
My sister has been an alcoholic for over 10 years. She also has a history of abusing prescription drugs. She's never been able to function as an adult (she's 40) and thus has been rescued countless times by my parents and other family members. She recently lived with my parents out of state for a year. It was an awful situation; she would not seek help and my parents would not kick her out. My parents nearly divorced because of having to deal with her issues every day.
My sister, who I will call "Jane", was offered a room in a friend's house in the state I live in, across the country, so she took up the offer and recently moved back. she had very little money, but she was able to transfer her job when she moved and living with a friend (a responsible, non-alcoholic) seemed like a good situation. But overall none of us thought it was a good idea because she's NEVER dealt with her alcoholism and I knew she would fall into trouble again. I mean, she couldn't function in the past, how could she suddenly function in a very expensive city on her own?
So anyway, as I predicted, she had a near-fatal overdose on prescription meds and alcohol this past week. Her roommate had to call an ambulance and Jane was carted off to the hospital. The roommate then confessed that Jane had been going steadily downhill since she moved in; hallucinating and waking the roommate up at night, calling me at all hours drunk, etc. I wasn't surprised that she'd gone to the hospital again, I'll put it that way (she's been in and out of hospitals over 20 times now).
So to make a long story short, the roommate evicted Jane. The roommate had the locks changed and does not want Jane to come back. Jane's bank account is overdrawn by $500 and she has no money and no place to live. She is being kept in the hospital for a few days while social workers try to find her a halfway house situation for her, but so far the waiting list is months long.
My parents--actually, only my dad, my mom sees otherwise--my dad wants either myself and my husband or my brother and his wife to take Jane in until she can be placed in a halfway house. I do not want to do it. My brother already had it out with my dad on the phone and refused to help Jane. My dad hung up the phone on me when I told him that I was resentful and didn't like the idea of having to bail Jane out once again (I've taken her to hospitals, saved her life by forcing her to throw up when she was choking on her own vomit, etc.). After a few years of bailing her out I realized that I was enabling her and quit doing so. My parents have been bailing her out of every situation she gets herself into ever since.
Before Jane moved out here, I made the decision to separate myself from Jane's problems because I am sickened by what this disease is doing to her and to my family. I told Jane and my parents point blank that "if Jane gets into trouble out here, I AM NOT going to rescue her. I will not take her in. I will not be held responsible for picking up her pieces". My parents and Jane said they understood, etc., but of course, words are cheap: she's not okay and now she's homeless and my dad wants my husband and I to take her in.
I do NOT want to do this. But I do not want Jane to end up homeless on the streets of San Francisco; she would be eaten alive.
Please help. How can I stop being involved in this cycle of destruction? It is not fair to me or my spouse and I do not want to take her in.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I would say you are right...DO NOT take her in.
You will do her more help by not enabling her.
It sounds like she is getting pretty sick...if you help her she will have no reason to take responcibility for her addictions.
She is a 40 year old women no one needs to or should save her. They are only prolonging her disease.
Sounds like your parents may need to educate themselves about addiction. I know it seems backwards...but by helping the addict you are only hurting them
You will do her more help by not enabling her.
It sounds like she is getting pretty sick...if you help her she will have no reason to take responcibility for her addictions.
She is a 40 year old women no one needs to or should save her. They are only prolonging her disease.
Sounds like your parents may need to educate themselves about addiction. I know it seems backwards...but by helping the addict you are only hurting them
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((really fed up))
hate so much that your sister "Jane" has lost so much to this horrible disease - hate that you and your family have all suffered the pain and disappointment because of the way the disease affects the family - I can relate to those types of things.
sometimes as hard as it is, as painful as it is for others to accept, we take a step back and realize that doing the same thing over and over again helps no one - not the alcoholic/addict, not the family, and especially not ourselves.
And we also realize that regardless of what others say, we do have the right to make a decision that is best for ourselves -
not just how this would "help" Jane - but how would it affect you, your hubby, your household, your job, your life, your financial security and your sanity.
what would you do if this person was just a friend, not a relative?
For me, Al-Anon has given me the ability to look at a situation from all angles before making a decision - am I really helping someone or possible enabling them? Am I allowing them the dignity, the opportunity to gain the self-respect to find a way to get themselves out of self-made troubles? Is it really my responsibility to don my "superhero" cap and save the situation?
These are really tough questions, and sometimes I can answer no and yes to all of the questions - when that happens, I seek guidance from my Higher Power, try to read recovery literature, attend some meetings and like you have done here - seek input from recovery friends that I feel I can trust.
Will lift you and your family up in my prayers,
Please remember it is YOUR decision to make on what is best for YOU - if anything happens to your sister, it will because of her previous actions in her disease not because of anything you have done.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
hate so much that your sister "Jane" has lost so much to this horrible disease - hate that you and your family have all suffered the pain and disappointment because of the way the disease affects the family - I can relate to those types of things.
sometimes as hard as it is, as painful as it is for others to accept, we take a step back and realize that doing the same thing over and over again helps no one - not the alcoholic/addict, not the family, and especially not ourselves.
And we also realize that regardless of what others say, we do have the right to make a decision that is best for ourselves -
not just how this would "help" Jane - but how would it affect you, your hubby, your household, your job, your life, your financial security and your sanity.
what would you do if this person was just a friend, not a relative?
For me, Al-Anon has given me the ability to look at a situation from all angles before making a decision - am I really helping someone or possible enabling them? Am I allowing them the dignity, the opportunity to gain the self-respect to find a way to get themselves out of self-made troubles? Is it really my responsibility to don my "superhero" cap and save the situation?
These are really tough questions, and sometimes I can answer no and yes to all of the questions - when that happens, I seek guidance from my Higher Power, try to read recovery literature, attend some meetings and like you have done here - seek input from recovery friends that I feel I can trust.
Will lift you and your family up in my prayers,
Please remember it is YOUR decision to make on what is best for YOU - if anything happens to your sister, it will because of her previous actions in her disease not because of anything you have done.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Last edited by MsPINKAcres; 02-15-2008 at 11:14 AM. Reason: typos - oops
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 138
Have you been to any Al Anon meetings? I think you would benefit from them. It sounds like you feel responsible for saving her and responsible for keeping your dad happy.
If you can, get to as many Al Anon meetings as you can, not just one per week. I am not going to say more because I think there are many wiser members here that can offer some sound guidance. I am too new in my recovery.
I feel your urgency...
CoDeep
If you can, get to as many Al Anon meetings as you can, not just one per week. I am not going to say more because I think there are many wiser members here that can offer some sound guidance. I am too new in my recovery.
I feel your urgency...
CoDeep
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
"I do NOT want to do this. But I do not want Jane to end up homeless on the streets of San Francisco; she would be eaten alive.
Please help. How can I stop being involved in this cycle of destruction? It is not fair to me or my spouse and I do not want to take her in."
This is not your responsibility. You have sound ideals inside you...don't start doubting yourself. You have answered your own question.
"Jane" had a disease that is in full control of her, from what you say, and is "choosing" the streets of San Francisco. This is what "Jane" wants right now. Nothing that you or anyone else does will "snap" her out of it. With addiction...it has to come from inside the addict. Sobriety is an inside job with an Higher Power of her understanding.
You could help her find a homeless shelter.
You could make yourself insane over this...take her in...go crazy...lose everything that is important to you...and "Jane" could be blissfully unaware of your sacrifice...lost in her addiction...
No one could stop my dad as he drank himself to death...I'm sorry...but thats the truth..."Jane" would need to persue sobriety herself and with professional help.
Please help. How can I stop being involved in this cycle of destruction? It is not fair to me or my spouse and I do not want to take her in."
This is not your responsibility. You have sound ideals inside you...don't start doubting yourself. You have answered your own question.
"Jane" had a disease that is in full control of her, from what you say, and is "choosing" the streets of San Francisco. This is what "Jane" wants right now. Nothing that you or anyone else does will "snap" her out of it. With addiction...it has to come from inside the addict. Sobriety is an inside job with an Higher Power of her understanding.
You could help her find a homeless shelter.
You could make yourself insane over this...take her in...go crazy...lose everything that is important to you...and "Jane" could be blissfully unaware of your sacrifice...lost in her addiction...
No one could stop my dad as he drank himself to death...I'm sorry...but thats the truth..."Jane" would need to persue sobriety herself and with professional help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Don't do it! There are homeless shelters where she can stay. You do not need the drama, upheaval and pain that having her move in with you would inevitably lead to. Do not let anyone guilt you into it. Your sister is an adult making her own choices. She needs to feel the consequences of those choices or she will never change. I pray she will get the help she needs but moving in with you will not help that happen.
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Thank you everyone for your advice; it really, really helps.
Here's an update:
I stood strong and my dad called and apologized; he told me that he understood that his demands were unfair and that Jane needs to do this on her own.
But, what is better is that Jane has worked out a solution with her social worker on her own. When she is released from the hospital, she will move to a residential hotel near her place of work until she can get into the recovery house she's on the waiting list for. she will attend al-anon mtgs. in the meantime and has agreed to get a sponsor and go to a therapist twice a week. She called her former roommate and will get her deposit back and half of this month's rent, so she has some money. She is being proactive and I guess that is showing that "tough love" is working. I hope she will still be determined to get better in a few days time, a weeks time, a months time. But for now I feel more hopeful.
Here's an update:
I stood strong and my dad called and apologized; he told me that he understood that his demands were unfair and that Jane needs to do this on her own.
But, what is better is that Jane has worked out a solution with her social worker on her own. When she is released from the hospital, she will move to a residential hotel near her place of work until she can get into the recovery house she's on the waiting list for. she will attend al-anon mtgs. in the meantime and has agreed to get a sponsor and go to a therapist twice a week. She called her former roommate and will get her deposit back and half of this month's rent, so she has some money. She is being proactive and I guess that is showing that "tough love" is working. I hope she will still be determined to get better in a few days time, a weeks time, a months time. But for now I feel more hopeful.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
