Pain
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 9
Pain
I dont know where to begin - I will just make it short.
Found text on his phone to one of the young girls that hangs out with a dealer.........
said - I am horney.
He has said before that the dealer uses the girls phone at times to call "people"........I told him it upsets me.
I took his phone last night and he was mad - I read the text.......and he said he did the text on purpose to hurt me - that he knew I would find it. That he has never cheated. That because I accuse him of cheating and fight with him about his smoking stuff he wants me to leave and that was the only way to do it.
I left - taking the phone.........I resent the text.
She answered an hour later with "AND"
I sent - "want more"
she said "of"
I said "you"
she never responded.
perhaps he was telling the truth - never cheated and did it to hurt me back.
And with him yelling at me last night that he didnt love me and wanted me to go...........
why do I want to stay - codependant. Love - I guess.
He lost his job - the really high paying one 2 weeks ago - he has less than $300 to his name and nothing coming in. No car - and now says that he doesnt love me.........
He laughed at me when I was crying - said he was glad I was hurting.
Perhaps I acted crazy all these months with anger over his addiction - trying to get him to stop
perhaps - he just say me as a car, paycheck..........nothing else
Found text on his phone to one of the young girls that hangs out with a dealer.........
said - I am horney.
He has said before that the dealer uses the girls phone at times to call "people"........I told him it upsets me.
I took his phone last night and he was mad - I read the text.......and he said he did the text on purpose to hurt me - that he knew I would find it. That he has never cheated. That because I accuse him of cheating and fight with him about his smoking stuff he wants me to leave and that was the only way to do it.
I left - taking the phone.........I resent the text.
She answered an hour later with "AND"
I sent - "want more"
she said "of"
I said "you"
she never responded.
perhaps he was telling the truth - never cheated and did it to hurt me back.
And with him yelling at me last night that he didnt love me and wanted me to go...........
why do I want to stay - codependant. Love - I guess.
He lost his job - the really high paying one 2 weeks ago - he has less than $300 to his name and nothing coming in. No car - and now says that he doesnt love me.........
He laughed at me when I was crying - said he was glad I was hurting.
Perhaps I acted crazy all these months with anger over his addiction - trying to get him to stop
perhaps - he just say me as a car, paycheck..........nothing else
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
He might have been telling the truth that he did it to hurt you, but who does things to hurt people that love them. Immature addicts. In a good, healthy relationship love means taking care of the other person's feelings, not hurting them. In a good, healthy relationship there is trust and sharing and respect. Doesn't sound like he has the ability to have a healthy relationship. You don't have to settle for less. Choice is yours. I hope that you find a way to take the focus off from him and put it back on you. You are worth it. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Wow. Your situation just makes me cringe. Because you are what I would call "caught up" in the madness of someone elses addiction right now. Does it really matter if he cheated or if he was just pretending that he cheated to hurt you? He is using drugs, hanging out with dealers and young girls, and doesn't to want to stop. You know this. And playing text games with his drug addict girlfriends and dealers arent going to change the situation.
Somehow you need to get unstuck and try to clear your head. I don't really have any advice for you on how to do that. Maybe alanon meetings, maybe a day at a spa or a talk with a good girlfriend. But playing into his game isn't going to make you feel any better or make the situation any better. The good news is the nightmare stops when you decide its time. Time for you to step back, take a good look at where you are, and think about where you want to be. Then make a plan for how you are going to get there. It just takes baby steps. Do one thing every day to help yourself get healthy. And eventually, this will all be just a bad memory. But you got to start moving forward and stop playing the game.
Good luck to you.
:codiepolice
Somehow you need to get unstuck and try to clear your head. I don't really have any advice for you on how to do that. Maybe alanon meetings, maybe a day at a spa or a talk with a good girlfriend. But playing into his game isn't going to make you feel any better or make the situation any better. The good news is the nightmare stops when you decide its time. Time for you to step back, take a good look at where you are, and think about where you want to be. Then make a plan for how you are going to get there. It just takes baby steps. Do one thing every day to help yourself get healthy. And eventually, this will all be just a bad memory. But you got to start moving forward and stop playing the game.
Good luck to you.
:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
What does he bring into this relationship? What makes u wanna stay with someone who would intentionally hurt you? I have been in those relationships and as much as it hurt I had to walk away to save myself. Its almost like they take pride and joy in knocking you down and taking away your self esteem, u almost convince yourself that u dont deserve better. Its wrong you do deserve better.
You will know when u had enough, you dont trust him, he hurts you, says he uses u, brings nothing into the household, offers nothing but hurt. What is a relationship without trust, love, compassion? Your finding out now that its not a true relationship its all one way.
Leave him to the little girls, he needs someone immature who wont argue when he wants his drugs, gives him money, supports him and he can bully around.
Go find someone who will treat u the way u deserve to be treated, who will respect, hurt when u hurt, love u, it might not happen overnight but there is better out there. You dont have to settle, its ok to be single and happy vs with someone and miserable.
He doesnt deserve u and you dont deserve to be treated like that. If this is how he treats someone he loves I cant immagine how he treats his enemys. I also think hes lying he turned it around on you to make u feel bad and doubt yourself. I have heard that if your gonna accuse me of cheating line a million times......... He cheated, I trusted my gut I didnt need to hear it from him. Why they all lie about it anyways. RUN RUN RUN
You will know when u had enough, you dont trust him, he hurts you, says he uses u, brings nothing into the household, offers nothing but hurt. What is a relationship without trust, love, compassion? Your finding out now that its not a true relationship its all one way.
Leave him to the little girls, he needs someone immature who wont argue when he wants his drugs, gives him money, supports him and he can bully around.
Go find someone who will treat u the way u deserve to be treated, who will respect, hurt when u hurt, love u, it might not happen overnight but there is better out there. You dont have to settle, its ok to be single and happy vs with someone and miserable.
He doesnt deserve u and you dont deserve to be treated like that. If this is how he treats someone he loves I cant immagine how he treats his enemys. I also think hes lying he turned it around on you to make u feel bad and doubt yourself. I have heard that if your gonna accuse me of cheating line a million times......... He cheated, I trusted my gut I didnt need to hear it from him. Why they all lie about it anyways. RUN RUN RUN
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 9
crying
He was so loving -
He took care of me -
He was in love with me -
and then he loved crack.
I was not a perfect partner -
I had baggage
I love the man I met -
not the man in the den, with anger, sadness, resentment,
not the man who would rather spend his days and evenings with a pipe, drugs.
Why do I want to stay -
God help me I love him.
He is in there somewhere.........inside himself...........I miss him
He took care of me -
He was in love with me -
and then he loved crack.
I was not a perfect partner -
I had baggage
I love the man I met -
not the man in the den, with anger, sadness, resentment,
not the man who would rather spend his days and evenings with a pipe, drugs.
Why do I want to stay -
God help me I love him.
He is in there somewhere.........inside himself...........I miss him
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((MHML))
I know what you are feeling. I've been there. When I first came here, my husband was shacked up with his dealer and a 27 year old. He deserted me and my kids smack in the middle of a hurricane. We were without food, water, power or any transportation and he didn't care. And all I could pray for was that he would come home, that the man that I loved would come back. I didn't even care what he had done or with whom, I didn't care what he had done to me or my kids, if he would just come home. I even decided that I could live with his addiction.
I felt like I was damaged goods that no one could love. I couldn't even make the lowest addict in the world love me. The worse he treated me, the more desperate I became for him to love me. I would have done just about anything to make the pain stop.
But the pain wouldn't stop, and I felt lower than low. It pulled me so far down, that I was lower than he was. That's what he wanted you know. That way he had control over me, I would never dare question him again because I was so afraid of that pain. All I could think about was that wonderful man I had fell in love with. The one that made me feel special, even though I was flawed. It took a long time for me to accept that, that man was gone. He would never come back. Even if he did, everything that had happened, could never be taken back. It would always be there.
I felt like I didn't matter to him, and I was right, the only thing that mattered to him was getting high. That hurt beyond any words there are to describe it.
I had to mourn that, I had to mourn him, I had to mourn the wonderful relationship that was before drugs. I had to hold onto myself and never let go of me, and I had to place myself in the hands of my HP. I had to accept that I couldn't control any of it, I couldn't change it and I sure as heck didn't cause or deserve it. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say or do something to prevent you from feeling that pain, but I can't.
I can tell you that it does get better. What may seem impossible is not. You can be happy again. You will pull through this and move forward with your life, and you will laugh again and see beautiful things again. And you will love again, and you will be loved again. I know that is hard to believe right now, but it starts with a small step, and then another and before you know it, you are looking back and feeling proud of yourself. And you can breath again.
Sending you great big Hugs and lots of Prayers
B
I know what you are feeling. I've been there. When I first came here, my husband was shacked up with his dealer and a 27 year old. He deserted me and my kids smack in the middle of a hurricane. We were without food, water, power or any transportation and he didn't care. And all I could pray for was that he would come home, that the man that I loved would come back. I didn't even care what he had done or with whom, I didn't care what he had done to me or my kids, if he would just come home. I even decided that I could live with his addiction.
I felt like I was damaged goods that no one could love. I couldn't even make the lowest addict in the world love me. The worse he treated me, the more desperate I became for him to love me. I would have done just about anything to make the pain stop.
But the pain wouldn't stop, and I felt lower than low. It pulled me so far down, that I was lower than he was. That's what he wanted you know. That way he had control over me, I would never dare question him again because I was so afraid of that pain. All I could think about was that wonderful man I had fell in love with. The one that made me feel special, even though I was flawed. It took a long time for me to accept that, that man was gone. He would never come back. Even if he did, everything that had happened, could never be taken back. It would always be there.
I felt like I didn't matter to him, and I was right, the only thing that mattered to him was getting high. That hurt beyond any words there are to describe it.
I had to mourn that, I had to mourn him, I had to mourn the wonderful relationship that was before drugs. I had to hold onto myself and never let go of me, and I had to place myself in the hands of my HP. I had to accept that I couldn't control any of it, I couldn't change it and I sure as heck didn't cause or deserve it. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say or do something to prevent you from feeling that pain, but I can't.
I can tell you that it does get better. What may seem impossible is not. You can be happy again. You will pull through this and move forward with your life, and you will laugh again and see beautiful things again. And you will love again, and you will be loved again. I know that is hard to believe right now, but it starts with a small step, and then another and before you know it, you are looking back and feeling proud of yourself. And you can breath again.
Sending you great big Hugs and lots of Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
You deserve sooooo much! Remember that! You are worth it! I know it hurts, but whatever and whoever sent the text for whatever reason - the end result is hurt and disrespect. Be good to yourself, whatever you decide to do, make sure you're looking after you first! I have to remember that too - we all do, they're looking after themselves first. (((((hugs)))))
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
My situation is a bit different from yours but from my experiance the texts on his phone are his. I used to go through my AH husbands phone and everything else for that matter ( I can probably out sleuth Nancy Drew) and everytime I questioned AH about it, he always had an excuse, it's not what you think, so and so used my phone, blah blah blah.. The writing was on the wall I just refused to see it.
You deserve so much more then this man, you deserved to be loved and valued as a person. You are not crazy for being angry. It's a natural process of what you are dealing with. I used to think I was crazy with anger too but I when I read Co dependant no more and the author talked about the grief process, anger was in there right below denial.. so yes be angry, it's normal but don't let it control you.
(((hugs)))) to you tonight, you are in my thoughts and prayers.. I'm kind of new to all of this but there are people on this board that have been there done that and can give you way bettter advice then me.. Keep posting, the support system here is out of this world.
You deserve so much more then this man, you deserved to be loved and valued as a person. You are not crazy for being angry. It's a natural process of what you are dealing with. I used to think I was crazy with anger too but I when I read Co dependant no more and the author talked about the grief process, anger was in there right below denial.. so yes be angry, it's normal but don't let it control you.
(((hugs)))) to you tonight, you are in my thoughts and prayers.. I'm kind of new to all of this but there are people on this board that have been there done that and can give you way bettter advice then me.. Keep posting, the support system here is out of this world.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It hurts to leave but heals over time. It hurts more to stay and gets worse over time. You are worth "better" and healing and a bright life ahead of you.
Meetings helped me regain my balance, maybe give them a try and surround yourself with live support as well as with all the wonderful supportive people here.
You'll be okay, you just need to find your way again.
Hugs
Meetings helped me regain my balance, maybe give them a try and surround yourself with live support as well as with all the wonderful supportive people here.
You'll be okay, you just need to find your way again.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
im sorry your going throughthis mess, its hard i know, but reality is ..take inventoryof where you are at right now and what will it take for you to feel better about yourself? what worked for me is that i had to say to myself what is really going on here? take my emotion out of it and look at it for what it really is and not for the way i want it to be? looking back through the last 2 yrs, i relaized i ignored my gut instinct(which is there to protect us) and because of that i started doubting my feelings about everything, i wasnt be true to myself and so then i became so confused i couldnt make any desicion..i had lost confidense in myself.. listen to your gut instinct, that is all the proof you need about your situation, what helps is if you distance yourself from him long enough to find yourself again, and dont talk to him during this time..its funny its kinda like going through post traumatic stress syndrome, when you are away from the situation your mind starts healing itself and things just become clearer and things make sense..get yourself out of the situation long enough to think clearly of what you need to do .. hope that helps, think of yourself right now, you only have you to protect yourself because he is not looking out for your best intrest, somone that loves you is not going to go out of his way to hurt you like that, trust your gut instinct..it is right most of the time. i think you already know your having a hard time accepting the fact that somone you thought loved you could do this to you, all the lies...all the times you have been there for him...and he repays me back this way??? be selfish and look out for you, in time your mind will clear(if you take yourself out of the situaton long enough to think clearly) and you will know what to do..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 9
Thank you so much everyone - I dont feel alone anymore. Today is a strong day - I am fighting to keep that strenghth minute by minute. I dont have a computer at home, but I plan on going to a meeting this weekend.
I feel so deprived of human contact - a simple hug. I know I will find some peace and a hug or two there.
Thank you
I feel so deprived of human contact - a simple hug. I know I will find some peace and a hug or two there.
Thank you
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by MyHeartMyLove 
I feel so deprived of human contact - a simple hug. I know I will find some peace and a hug or two there.
Thank you
Thank you
I'm sending you a cyber hug cause I sure could use one right now too
(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))):ghug:ghug:ghug:
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sad as it is the love of a crack addict is the drug. let go & let God. this is a long hard road with an addict. it does not matter how much you love them they will not get clean for you. they have to hit their bottom before they realize they even have a problem. read the sticky at the top of the forum"what addicts do". keep coming back. prayers,
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