I cried last night.
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
I cried last night.
Last night I got home and my husband was there. Things were fine and he was in a good mood. I was watching TV and he went to the basement and was listening to musing and drinking as usual. After a couple of hours he came up and said he had to do some shopping and would be back later. I asked what store he planed to go to and he said several.
As soon as he left I went into the bathroom and could smell the mouthwash he had just used. (ok honey, no one will know your drunk if you smell like mint)
I'm wondering what bar not store he is headed to. About an hour later I call his cell and he does not offer up where he is. (Ah but I can hear music and the sound of him pushing the button on the poker machine) So I ask, So where did you end up? OH he says, I stopped into the Reel-m-inn for a minute. I ask, so did you go to the store? Oh yes he says, I did that first.
I'm thinking to my self, Hmmmmm the only store near that place is a plad pantry. I also know by this point that he has gotten me candy, a card and flowers because he left the receipt from the store at the house. OH the store he went to BEFORE he came home from work.
He tells me he will be home in a half, no and hour. Don't start cooking dinner yet. (dinner was my excuse for calling) I sat and cried because all I could think was, what was so much more fun, exciting and interesting at a bar?
The night before I had had a dream that I still had my day job and then got another job at Burger King to make ends meet and found out he was going to the river with our old bartender, the one he wouldn't fire and who ended up comming after us for money. The one I paid off to go away.
Anyway, I was getting all upset and excited and so I took a pill to calm down. After a while my chest hurt and I felt like I was going to hyperventolate and so I took another pill. (in the end it helped)
I thought about how I just wanted to calm down and feel better. I thought about drinking and even what pills could get a girl high so she could feel better. I didn't do any of it but I did think about it.
This morning I thought about how he always uses the mouthwash before leaving (if he has had a drink) and how I hate the smell of it because of what it represents. When I was a kid my mom would always put on red lipstick before heading out to drink, and she would blot her lips on some toilet tissue and every time my sister saw it floting in the toilet she would get so upset.
I thought that was strange when she first told me that but NOW I get it.
So anyway..... I never cooded dinner at all and he is now mad at me. Oh I got my $40.00 roses and candy and the (as usual) unsigned card, but he is not talking to me and never said good bye when he left this morning.
Sorry for babbling but I just needed to get it out.
D
As soon as he left I went into the bathroom and could smell the mouthwash he had just used. (ok honey, no one will know your drunk if you smell like mint)
I'm wondering what bar not store he is headed to. About an hour later I call his cell and he does not offer up where he is. (Ah but I can hear music and the sound of him pushing the button on the poker machine) So I ask, So where did you end up? OH he says, I stopped into the Reel-m-inn for a minute. I ask, so did you go to the store? Oh yes he says, I did that first.
I'm thinking to my self, Hmmmmm the only store near that place is a plad pantry. I also know by this point that he has gotten me candy, a card and flowers because he left the receipt from the store at the house. OH the store he went to BEFORE he came home from work.
He tells me he will be home in a half, no and hour. Don't start cooking dinner yet. (dinner was my excuse for calling) I sat and cried because all I could think was, what was so much more fun, exciting and interesting at a bar?
The night before I had had a dream that I still had my day job and then got another job at Burger King to make ends meet and found out he was going to the river with our old bartender, the one he wouldn't fire and who ended up comming after us for money. The one I paid off to go away.
Anyway, I was getting all upset and excited and so I took a pill to calm down. After a while my chest hurt and I felt like I was going to hyperventolate and so I took another pill. (in the end it helped)
I thought about how I just wanted to calm down and feel better. I thought about drinking and even what pills could get a girl high so she could feel better. I didn't do any of it but I did think about it.
This morning I thought about how he always uses the mouthwash before leaving (if he has had a drink) and how I hate the smell of it because of what it represents. When I was a kid my mom would always put on red lipstick before heading out to drink, and she would blot her lips on some toilet tissue and every time my sister saw it floting in the toilet she would get so upset.
I thought that was strange when she first told me that but NOW I get it.
So anyway..... I never cooded dinner at all and he is now mad at me. Oh I got my $40.00 roses and candy and the (as usual) unsigned card, but he is not talking to me and never said good bye when he left this morning.
Sorry for babbling but I just needed to get it out.
D
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Anyway, I was getting all upset and excited and so I took a pill to calm down. After a while my chest hurt and I felt like I was going to hyperventolate and so I took another pill. (in the end it helped)
Today pure serenity!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,695
It sounds like you are really hurting. I'm so sorry.
I find that I when I'm in an intellectual mood, ready to really think about my situation, I have no problem acknowledging that alcohol is my husband's first love. It's obvious. That's what makes him an alcoholic.
Still, that cold, hard, undisputed fact can make me feel so miserable sometimes. There are moments of startling realization and horror. Sounds like you had one last night.
My advice would be to look at the overall picture of your life. Are you happy? What are you getting out of the relationship? He lied to you and hurt you last night. Did he apologize, or act like you were the one in the wrong?
Imagine meeting a smart, funny, handsome, talented guy, free from all chemical addictions who routinely lies to you, blames you for his problems, and generally makes you feel awful. Is he a catch? NOPE. All the good qualities in the world aren't enough to make up for him being a jacka**.
Alcoholics love alcohol. Does your husband act like he loves you? You deserve someone who does.
I find that I when I'm in an intellectual mood, ready to really think about my situation, I have no problem acknowledging that alcohol is my husband's first love. It's obvious. That's what makes him an alcoholic.
Still, that cold, hard, undisputed fact can make me feel so miserable sometimes. There are moments of startling realization and horror. Sounds like you had one last night.
My advice would be to look at the overall picture of your life. Are you happy? What are you getting out of the relationship? He lied to you and hurt you last night. Did he apologize, or act like you were the one in the wrong?
Imagine meeting a smart, funny, handsome, talented guy, free from all chemical addictions who routinely lies to you, blames you for his problems, and generally makes you feel awful. Is he a catch? NOPE. All the good qualities in the world aren't enough to make up for him being a jacka**.
Alcoholics love alcohol. Does your husband act like he loves you? You deserve someone who does.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: West Yorkshire, England
Posts: 6
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Hi lostnfound, im pretty new to this forum but i just want you to know im thinking bout u. my heart goes out to you it really does, i totally understand how u feel bout the mouthwash, my thing with my AH is his dressing gown, it means hes just guna sit there the rest of the nite knocking the tins back. Just want you to know im thinking of u, take care xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Sounds like you had a panic attack. I had them for about a year before my marriage ended. I don't have them anymore.
What is funny is that I developed these panic attacks during my relationship with abf!!! They are horrible because your chest hurts really bad and other things that are so scary. I know that I need to take care of myself now that I am out of the relationship with the abf. Stress can kill you-so if you are in a stressful situation-my advice get out. I wish that I would have done it sooner.
I still get them from time to time but they are getting better. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Games Alcoholics Play...
Hi Lostnfound,
Your writing about the mouth wash and your Mom's lipstick brought some memories back for me.
My husband used to rinse his mouth every morning with mouthwash before he went to work. I told him it smelled like alcohol & people might think he had a drink before coming to work but that didn't change anything.
Nothing would cover up my body smell of alcohol use...even taking a shower and putting lotion on didn't cover it. I found out later that some of the clients I worked for thought that I did have a drink before coming to work.
I didn't though...I think every pore in my body let the smell of my pickled body of alcohol out.
My Mom didn't drink but we always knew when she was going someplace because she would put lipstick on and my brother and I always thought she looked so pretty.
In my home my husband drank but he was more of an abuser of alcohol & could stop when he wanted to...not me though...he would have a few drinks then eat and would be done...I always delayed eating so I could drink more and also made my drinks stronger than his if he wasn't in the kitchen.
...the games alcoholics play...I read that book years ago and whoever wrote it surely knew all the games we alcoholics play!
Hope your days go better for you...having an insecure husband that loves his drinking is the same as I was...an insecure Mom & wife that wanted alcohol more than family life...I haven't drank for a long time but was right in the middle of it with my two youngest children...I still shudder when a thought comes to my mind now & then about things I did when they were little.
They are all adults in their middle forties and one 38 and one 31 so some do drink and only two seem to abuse alcohol but they haven't been in jail yet so hope they can keep some control over the drinking....family predisposition is on both sides of our family.
kelsh
Your writing about the mouth wash and your Mom's lipstick brought some memories back for me.
My husband used to rinse his mouth every morning with mouthwash before he went to work. I told him it smelled like alcohol & people might think he had a drink before coming to work but that didn't change anything.
Nothing would cover up my body smell of alcohol use...even taking a shower and putting lotion on didn't cover it. I found out later that some of the clients I worked for thought that I did have a drink before coming to work.
I didn't though...I think every pore in my body let the smell of my pickled body of alcohol out.
My Mom didn't drink but we always knew when she was going someplace because she would put lipstick on and my brother and I always thought she looked so pretty.
In my home my husband drank but he was more of an abuser of alcohol & could stop when he wanted to...not me though...he would have a few drinks then eat and would be done...I always delayed eating so I could drink more and also made my drinks stronger than his if he wasn't in the kitchen.
...the games alcoholics play...I read that book years ago and whoever wrote it surely knew all the games we alcoholics play!
Hope your days go better for you...having an insecure husband that loves his drinking is the same as I was...an insecure Mom & wife that wanted alcohol more than family life...I haven't drank for a long time but was right in the middle of it with my two youngest children...I still shudder when a thought comes to my mind now & then about things I did when they were little.
They are all adults in their middle forties and one 38 and one 31 so some do drink and only two seem to abuse alcohol but they haven't been in jail yet so hope they can keep some control over the drinking....family predisposition is on both sides of our family.
kelsh
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