A slap in the face
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
A slap in the face
I have been doing really well with everything and even kind of excited about being single and finding new love(well sometimes) but today I am bothered by something that the xabf-which remember still lives with me-told me.
There were two things about our relationship that were always bad. One of course being the alcohol and two the fact that he never could make up his mind about what career path he wanted to take. He would tell me about all the things he wanted to be all the time. It has been the coast gaurd, chef,constructions worker, electrician, emt....you name it he has thought of it. Well everynew descision I have always supported and been so excited about. Now this has been going on for the last 4 yrs and NOTHING was ever done to even get to that point. Well while talking to him yesterday(while he was on the computer looking for a rental house for him and his two friends) he decides to tell me that he went and signed up for classes to become an emt.
Slap in the face. Now I know that I should be happy for him but how convenient is it that he has now decided to do this. Now my friends and family(even his mom) is comforting me by saying that it will never work unless he is sober....and I know that but why would he tell me something like that?
Is he trying to make me see that it was our relationship and him being unhappy in it that held him back?
I know what everyone is going to say.....same thing his mom and my friends told me but it still hurts.
If I were truly healed right now it should not hurt me so much so I guess I still need to keep going to alanon and reading on her for a while.
I think that once I have no contact and move into my own place it will be so much easier on me.
Good news though.....after a long 8 months at my job I finally recieved the promotion that I have been waiting for.
There were two things about our relationship that were always bad. One of course being the alcohol and two the fact that he never could make up his mind about what career path he wanted to take. He would tell me about all the things he wanted to be all the time. It has been the coast gaurd, chef,constructions worker, electrician, emt....you name it he has thought of it. Well everynew descision I have always supported and been so excited about. Now this has been going on for the last 4 yrs and NOTHING was ever done to even get to that point. Well while talking to him yesterday(while he was on the computer looking for a rental house for him and his two friends) he decides to tell me that he went and signed up for classes to become an emt.
Slap in the face. Now I know that I should be happy for him but how convenient is it that he has now decided to do this. Now my friends and family(even his mom) is comforting me by saying that it will never work unless he is sober....and I know that but why would he tell me something like that?
Is he trying to make me see that it was our relationship and him being unhappy in it that held him back?
I know what everyone is going to say.....same thing his mom and my friends told me but it still hurts.
If I were truly healed right now it should not hurt me so much so I guess I still need to keep going to alanon and reading on her for a while.
I think that once I have no contact and move into my own place it will be so much easier on me.
Good news though.....after a long 8 months at my job I finally recieved the promotion that I have been waiting for.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Frist:
Congrats on your promotion!!!
Second:
My recent ex just did the same thing to me. It was like guess what...I'm doing so well without you that I could jump up and down. It's all bs. They will all be GREAT for the short term, but you know how this goes. My theory is, in EMT school, decides it's too hard, on to next BIG thing. I say dog grooming or something like that.
EMT takes A LOT of focus and dedication. I have a friend who is one.
Also, I have another friend with an abf. He's a good example of how this goes. He was an attorney, then decided to be a doctor. Hated med school, dropped out. Then he went to get his MBA. Hated that and dropped out. Then he decided to be a real estate agent. Hated that, now back to law. He's done all of this is the span of two years.
I understand it's hard, but think about the reality of it. He'll always be in the same place unless he get serious about recovery. You ARE moving forward. You deserve a partner that is moving forward as well.
Congrats on your promotion!!!
Second:
My recent ex just did the same thing to me. It was like guess what...I'm doing so well without you that I could jump up and down. It's all bs. They will all be GREAT for the short term, but you know how this goes. My theory is, in EMT school, decides it's too hard, on to next BIG thing. I say dog grooming or something like that.
EMT takes A LOT of focus and dedication. I have a friend who is one.
Also, I have another friend with an abf. He's a good example of how this goes. He was an attorney, then decided to be a doctor. Hated med school, dropped out. Then he went to get his MBA. Hated that and dropped out. Then he decided to be a real estate agent. Hated that, now back to law. He's done all of this is the span of two years.
I understand it's hard, but think about the reality of it. He'll always be in the same place unless he get serious about recovery. You ARE moving forward. You deserve a partner that is moving forward as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
He is 'strutting' for you and being 'puffed up'.
See what you're missing? He's got it all together now.
Blah.....blah....blah. He's transparent. Give it time. Remember.....what you do speaks so loudly....I cannot hear a thing you say.
See what you're missing? He's got it all together now.
Blah.....blah....blah. He's transparent. Give it time. Remember.....what you do speaks so loudly....I cannot hear a thing you say.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Congratulations on your promotion!
As I moved forward in my recovery I came to not give a twig what he was doing or not. My sense of anything, including self, had nothing to do with what someone else did with their lives. I understand today that someone else's lack of ambition, etc. is not a relationship problem, it is THEIR problem.
As I moved forward in my recovery I came to not give a twig what he was doing or not. My sense of anything, including self, had nothing to do with what someone else did with their lives. I understand today that someone else's lack of ambition, etc. is not a relationship problem, it is THEIR problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Designer, I've said this before to you......You Rock! Congratulations on your promotion.
I understand how you are feeling. He never made an effort to pursue any of his career choices, and now, all of a sudden, he has made his first step towards a possible new career.
It's the timing of it, of course, that's throwing you off. Given everything else that has happened/is happening in your relationship, now he finally decides to pursue one of his choices.
It's probably something that you've hoped for (for him) for a long time. And now he's doing it! But not with you, or your support! What his reasons, motivations are, who knows?
Just say "good for you", and mean it, and let it go.
My AH has started doing things that I have encouraged him to do for years, i.e., seeing a therapist, and taking over the finances (which I have always done, am not really good at, and have always not really enjoyed doing). So, now that he says, "let's talk tonight so that I can take over the finances", I am in a bit of a panic.
He has let me control the finances forever. I have asked him to take them over forever. Now he's taking the first step in doing this, and I'm feeling some loss of control. BUT, I have been asking for this for a long time. Why am I not relieved? Because of the timing, that's why.
I don't even know what you would call this, these feelings that you and I both seem to have about our A's steps toward progress. Is this co-dependant? What is it?
Thoughts/comments appreciated.
Shivaya
I understand how you are feeling. He never made an effort to pursue any of his career choices, and now, all of a sudden, he has made his first step towards a possible new career.
It's the timing of it, of course, that's throwing you off. Given everything else that has happened/is happening in your relationship, now he finally decides to pursue one of his choices.
It's probably something that you've hoped for (for him) for a long time. And now he's doing it! But not with you, or your support! What his reasons, motivations are, who knows?
Just say "good for you", and mean it, and let it go.
My AH has started doing things that I have encouraged him to do for years, i.e., seeing a therapist, and taking over the finances (which I have always done, am not really good at, and have always not really enjoyed doing). So, now that he says, "let's talk tonight so that I can take over the finances", I am in a bit of a panic.
He has let me control the finances forever. I have asked him to take them over forever. Now he's taking the first step in doing this, and I'm feeling some loss of control. BUT, I have been asking for this for a long time. Why am I not relieved? Because of the timing, that's why.
I don't even know what you would call this, these feelings that you and I both seem to have about our A's steps toward progress. Is this co-dependant? What is it?
Thoughts/comments appreciated.
Shivaya
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Thanks Shivaya for your comments. I think with me it is just hurtful feelings coming out. I keep on thinking of how it would have been if he would have told me about this schooling when we were together. OMG i think that I would have attacked him and started kissing him like crazy and probably cried out of pure excitement. Instead i found myself so upset that he could not have made that move before and I found myself walking out of the house and just crying yesterday.
Before I left though yesterday I looked at him and told him that I hated him. I don't hate him, in reality I still love him but my wounds right now are not fully healed.
I felt bad for saying that last night and so this morning I apologized for saying that but just explained how I felt. I said that sometimes I am ok with all of this and other times I am just still so down in the dumps about it.
He told me that even though he does not wear his emotions on his sleeve like I do deep down he is really really hurting inside. He said hurting because of what he has done to us and scared because he knows that in the next 2 months the door to our lives are going to close. He said that he was sorry for throwing the whole emt/paramedic thing in my face and that he doesn't even know if he will be able to do it. He said that he is going to try really hard but it seems as everything that he tries to do in his life gets messed up and yes it does. I just wish that he could realize that it is the alcohol messing it up.
For now I am ok....just the feelings are very raw right now. I still feel like I am getting better but I have my moments and yesterday was one of them.
As for my promotion I will be making so much more money and it has eased my mind as far as my financial situation. Thank God for that because I don't know what I would have done. I am sooo happy that this happened to me at this time.
Before I left though yesterday I looked at him and told him that I hated him. I don't hate him, in reality I still love him but my wounds right now are not fully healed.
I felt bad for saying that last night and so this morning I apologized for saying that but just explained how I felt. I said that sometimes I am ok with all of this and other times I am just still so down in the dumps about it.
He told me that even though he does not wear his emotions on his sleeve like I do deep down he is really really hurting inside. He said hurting because of what he has done to us and scared because he knows that in the next 2 months the door to our lives are going to close. He said that he was sorry for throwing the whole emt/paramedic thing in my face and that he doesn't even know if he will be able to do it. He said that he is going to try really hard but it seems as everything that he tries to do in his life gets messed up and yes it does. I just wish that he could realize that it is the alcohol messing it up.
For now I am ok....just the feelings are very raw right now. I still feel like I am getting better but I have my moments and yesterday was one of them.
As for my promotion I will be making so much more money and it has eased my mind as far as my financial situation. Thank God for that because I don't know what I would have done. I am sooo happy that this happened to me at this time.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Congrats on your promotion, that is really great!!!!!!
I was 5 1/2 years sober when I signed up for EMT training and over 6 years sober when I was finally licensed in the State of Nevada. That was the most INTENSE training you ever want to have, I swear it was 3 years of nursing school in 6 months. (I know about nursing training, because later I went and completed what I still needed to further my career.)
I say the above, so that I can say this. He is just QUACKING. There is no way, if he doesn't get sober first (with some length of sobriety under his belt) that he would ever make it even a short way through EMT training.
See all those years that I 'practiced my affliction' (stayed drunk so I thought I could function, yeah right) I was always a GREAT STARTER and a CHITTY FINISHER. Since getting sober and clean all those ODAATs ago, I have found that Sober I am a pretty good finisher too.
I understand you feel like it is a 'slap in the face.' In reality it's just a 'blowhard' alkie spouting his B.S.
You have come so far, you deserve so much more than your ex could ever give you, please remember he is just 'blowing smoke.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I was 5 1/2 years sober when I signed up for EMT training and over 6 years sober when I was finally licensed in the State of Nevada. That was the most INTENSE training you ever want to have, I swear it was 3 years of nursing school in 6 months. (I know about nursing training, because later I went and completed what I still needed to further my career.)
I say the above, so that I can say this. He is just QUACKING. There is no way, if he doesn't get sober first (with some length of sobriety under his belt) that he would ever make it even a short way through EMT training.
See all those years that I 'practiced my affliction' (stayed drunk so I thought I could function, yeah right) I was always a GREAT STARTER and a CHITTY FINISHER. Since getting sober and clean all those ODAATs ago, I have found that Sober I am a pretty good finisher too.
I understand you feel like it is a 'slap in the face.' In reality it's just a 'blowhard' alkie spouting his B.S.
You have come so far, you deserve so much more than your ex could ever give you, please remember he is just 'blowing smoke.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
I was 5 1/2 years sober when I signed up for EMT training and over 6 years sober when I was finally licensed in the State of Nevada. That was the most INTENSE training you ever want to have, I swear it was 3 years of nursing school in 6 months. (I know about nursing training, because later I went and completed what I still needed to further my career.)
I need to remember that it is all bs......he has done this before when we broke up the first time. I heard from all his buddies that he wasn't drinking that much and was planning on going back to school. Did he ever do it? No. That was about 1.5 yrs ago.
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