New Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
New Here
Hello ... I have been lurking for awhile and reading posts which have been very helpful. I have been married 22 years to my AH and things have been getting increasingly difficult and I know I have some hard decisions to make ... decisions I have put off for many years. My husband's drinking has been getting MUCH worse (2 DUIs in the last 6 months, missing a lot of work, etc.). My main reason for staying, as shallow as it seems, is for the financial security but at the rate things are going, that will be gone anyway. I have one child in college and another in high school and I worry that I won't be able to afford everything we need. Our families are in another state so sometimes I feel very isolated. I'm looking forward to "meeting" you all ...
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Welcome and Hello, I hope you find some strength here. The reasons you are staying are not shallow, there are what they are and I too like many others here stayed for the same reason, I was a stay home Mom when I ask my AH to leave, that was two years ago and now I'm starting my 2nd round of nursing school and working.. when there is a will there is a way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Welcome,
I am new here as well. I have learned so much in the last 2 weeks, through this site, through Alanon mtgs. and in seeing a therapist.
Your reason for staying is not "shallow". You are not alone. There are so many of us going through exactly what you described.
Keep posting and I know you will gain some valuable knowledge.
Shivaya
I am new here as well. I have learned so much in the last 2 weeks, through this site, through Alanon mtgs. and in seeing a therapist.
Your reason for staying is not "shallow". You are not alone. There are so many of us going through exactly what you described.
Keep posting and I know you will gain some valuable knowledge.
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
Welcome to a wonderful place. We all do things for different reasons. I do not believe you are shallow whatsoever. You are doing what you believe you need to do. I respect that.
I understand your feelings of believing that perhaps the financial security will be gone soon. As my STBXAH had progressed down the path of alcoholism I felt like I was just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. He is going to sink and I refused to go down with the ship. I filed for divorce and am cutting my losses now. The future for me is too uncertain. That is only my decision. You need to make your own. I wish you the best.
Please continue to post and I would suggest AlAnon.
Remember to take care of yourself.
I understand your feelings of believing that perhaps the financial security will be gone soon. As my STBXAH had progressed down the path of alcoholism I felt like I was just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. He is going to sink and I refused to go down with the ship. I filed for divorce and am cutting my losses now. The future for me is too uncertain. That is only my decision. You need to make your own. I wish you the best.
Please continue to post and I would suggest AlAnon.
Remember to take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
Thank you for the kind words ... I truly appreciate it. My kids both know and understand the situation, as best anyone can, and while they would be upset if I file for divorce, they would understand why. In fact, my daughter, who still lives at home, would probably be grateful for the peace. I'm most fearful of doing anything that will cause them to not be able to go to (have to drop out of) college because of finances so I'm trying not to make any rash decisions (even though this has been 20 years in the making ... guess I'm a little slow). AH has two court dates in the next month so not sure what will happen with that either. Hopefully some court-ordered inpatient treatment so I can have a little peace and actually enjoy going home each evening. (Sigh) ... if only I had known years ago what I know now! Oh well, got to believe everything happens for a reason, right??
Thanks again for your kind words. It makes a HUGE difference just knowing you're not alone.
Thanks again for your kind words. It makes a HUGE difference just knowing you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by NeedToGetALife 
I'm most fearful of doing anything that will cause them to not be able to go to (have to drop out of) college because of finances so I'm trying not to make any rash decisions
L
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
My daughter starts college next year. We have applied for grants, scholarships and loans, there is so much out there and just because you divorce why would their Dad stoll not help support them? They are his children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
LaTeDa and Kermit ... you are both right. We have some money saved for the kids' college tuition but don't qualify for financial aid (make too much money for financial aid, but not enough to easily afford tuition, books, living expenses, etc.). Luckily, my daughter (junior in hs) is a straight A student so she should definitely get some scholarships. The good thing is, if I become a single parent, only my income will be considered for financial aid so both kids should qualify for something. It would be easier if they could live at home while going to school but their college is 2 hours away (and is also the only college in our state that offers their chosen degree programs).
Their dad will absolutely help support them, but he is so sick with alcoholism, I worry that he won't be able to hold on to his job which he's had for 22 years. He's had problems in the past with drinking on the job so I think they're just waiting for him to screw up. It's a good paying job with major benefits ... what a waste if he loses it.
I know I'm probably worrying about things that will work out in the end, but the unknown is very scary, and I want to be sure my kids have every chance to get a college degree (their dad and I neither one did although we've both had good jobs ... just could have done better with a degree).
Their dad will absolutely help support them, but he is so sick with alcoholism, I worry that he won't be able to hold on to his job which he's had for 22 years. He's had problems in the past with drinking on the job so I think they're just waiting for him to screw up. It's a good paying job with major benefits ... what a waste if he loses it.
I know I'm probably worrying about things that will work out in the end, but the unknown is very scary, and I want to be sure my kids have every chance to get a college degree (their dad and I neither one did although we've both had good jobs ... just could have done better with a degree).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4
I'm fairly new here too and I'm definitely not an expert. But, after reading your post, my first thought was "go see an attorney". You have a lot of laws on your side. I'm on the brink of filing for a divorce myself. A couple of years ago, while I was a stay-at-home mom, I went to see an attorney. I felt like a "sitting duck". It was only for a half-hour and it was free. It was enough to make me feel, financially speaking, much better. I don't know what your financial situation is, but legally you are suppose to maintain your current standard of living after a divorce. Go for alimony...that's what I'll be doing if I do go with the divorce, along with the child-support. There is also part of his retirement you can go after; especially after being married for that long. There are many attorneys out there, where your first consultation is free. Call around. Don't let finances be the reason for living a miserable environment. It's a sad situation, but now that your kids are older, take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Glad you're here.
Just a thought: I would've given anything for the chance to live without an alcoholic in the house while I was in high school. When my mother finally divorced him, the student loans I had to take out to finish my B.A. and my Master's were well worth the peace and serenity of living in a sober home.
I'm 46 now. Financial security isn't worth sacrificing emotional security.
Just a thought: I would've given anything for the chance to live without an alcoholic in the house while I was in high school. When my mother finally divorced him, the student loans I had to take out to finish my B.A. and my Master's were well worth the peace and serenity of living in a sober home.
I'm 46 now. Financial security isn't worth sacrificing emotional security.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 12
But, after reading your post, my first thought was "go see an attorney".
And they know what my situation is so the advice is there for the asking at no cost. Sometimes, though, I think working here makes it more difficult to actually file for divorce because I see what everyone goes through firsthand, and it's ALWAYS difficult.
Just a thought: I would've given anything for the chance to live without an alcoholic in the house while I was in high school.
Take it one step at a time and try not to project about what "might" happen.
Thank you all for your insight. It really helps to "talk" things over with people who have been (or are) there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 16
See what happens....
You may get a little peace and quiet without doing a thing
With two DUI's in 6 months he will be looking at some sort of jail time and AA requirements. Not sure if he has had a DUI before but judges are quite strict now. My husband had two DUI's and he spent time in jail, had to go to AA, and also was on in house supervision where they stopped by any time day or night to do a breathalizer (sp?) Now, my husband still drinks but not the same.He never drinks and drives and he binge drinks about every three weeks. He is trying to figure out how to control the drinking. Denial is very strong.
With two DUI's in 6 months he will be looking at some sort of jail time and AA requirements. Not sure if he has had a DUI before but judges are quite strict now. My husband had two DUI's and he spent time in jail, had to go to AA, and also was on in house supervision where they stopped by any time day or night to do a breathalizer (sp?) Now, my husband still drinks but not the same.He never drinks and drives and he binge drinks about every three weeks. He is trying to figure out how to control the drinking. Denial is very strong.
Last edited by imfree2bme; 02-15-2008 at 08:04 PM. Reason: mispelled word
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome. You have come a great place for support. Everyone here shares the common thread (as unfortunate as it may be) of loving an alcoholic/addict. There are no wrong ways to feel or right things to do. Each situation is unique but we are all experiencing or have experienced the pain associated with this disease.
gentle hugs to you
gentle hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by NeedToGetALife
I think trying to "overthink" things is what's kept me from making a move for so long. Fear of the unknown scares me to death!
Fear of the unknown can so easily lead us to stay with the known bad situation simply because we don't know what a new situation will mean. So try fighting that fear by being as unemotional and logical about your decisions as you can be. Make lists of the pros and cons of what you are trying to decide about. Research options. Try and figure just what it is you are afraid might happen and then figure out just how likely those presumably negative things are and how bad the worse case would actually be. Sometimes that can help us realize that even if the worst we fear happens, we can get through it, especially with advanced planning.
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