Robzoloft

Hey All- Here's what's going on...I'm putting it out there for your insight and help. I just found out that my wife and step-daughter need to go to San Francisco, CA, in late March to see my Mother-in-Law..she's not doing well and its like a goodbye visit before she dies...take her granddaughter out to see her ( we live in Maryland) and do family things and all that.
As soon as I heard this...much to my dismay and shame...I immediately jumped to thoughts of using and drinking. Within seconds I planned out what beer I would buy, How I'd spring for the good bourbon, maybe drive up to the closest "likely neighborhood" and pick up some rock and just a bit of dope to take the edge off...I'd lay in supplies so I don't have to drive..turn off the phone...get all the paraphrenalia in advance...which music to play while using...all this in my head LIKE THAT!!! Instant mind f***. I didn't plan on thinking like this...it just happened. And it scare me...terrifies me. I have always..ALWAYS...screwed up when I'm alone for whatever reason. I don't put myself there...ever. I have 35 days sober today...I'm not under any illusions. I have no chances left...I took the alcohol and drug thing about as far as you can without deadly consequences. My thoughts scared me...I'm sharing them with you. Thanks.

tellus

Don't panic, Rob. You've got, what, over a month before they actually head out there? Plenty of time to build up your defenses, eh? Maybe talk to your wife about your fears, work on a game plan together?

I'm facing being alone, too, and it scares the sh*t out of me. But damn, Rob, we've got over a month sober now. We can handle another challenge, right?

(And I'm sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. My thoughts will be with your wife and her family.)

tay-lyn

Morning Rob;

This disease just doesn't leave us alone does it. It's like it lurks around waiting for it's moment to attack and tear you down. I try to think about it as my arch-enemy. Who constantly looks for ways to destroy me. So when I get those urges, those mind f**ks, I turn on it and treat it with great hate and strength. Telling it there is no way I am going to let it destroy me.

Take a look at the above quote, you know you took your using as far as you could without dying. If you take it one more step, that step may be staight into the grave.

Please don't use Rob. You deserve so much more than to put your foot into your grave.

And as far as the battle with the mind f**k's, ya, it's a battle. Try to remember the above, talk it through, recall all the horrible consequences you've already suffered. Get online here and reach out. Pray. Do whatever it takes Rob to NOT pick up.

I'm rooting for you!

Tay.

Jomey

Hey Rob...First, it can be ok. Thoughts are just that, thoughts. Nothing to be scared of in and of themselves. I have been sober for a few months now and I still sometimes have exactly the same type thoughts. Don't be afraid of them.

What you do about the thoughts is the important part. It's good in a way that you had these thoughts cause now you can plan how NOT to pick up before the time comes. Instead of planning how to pick up, plan how NOT to. Think in the same detail as to what you will do for yourself to stay sober. If necessary, can you stay with a friend or family member or have someone stay with you?

Sorry to hear about your mother in law. You'll all be in our prayers.
Gotta run..one of the kids is crying!


You can make it through this. You just need a plan. YOU CAN DO IT!

Anna

Rob,

That happened to me too. I always drank at home alone, so when my husband would say he was going away, my mind would do just what yours did, in a split second. The only way to deal with it is to get through it. Next time will be easier. What worked for me was planning. I would not be home alone or I would pick out a movie I'd really wanted to see, or just plan to be doing something that will help take your mind off things.

This is an opportunity for you Rob and I know you'll be okay.

tay-lyn

Another thing I was thinking about Rob is; Are you staying sober for yourself or your family? Cause if you're staying sober for yourself, then it doesn't matter if the family is there or not, you're going to want to stay sober.
Yes, easier said than done, I sure do know that. I just thought I'd share this thought.

Jfanagle

Rob,

Tellus said it best, share your thoughts with your wife and if you are involved in AA share it with your sponsor and the group. There is an adage that has served me well for some time now. WE ARE AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS!

Somehow when I shed the light of day on my thoughts and pick them up and turn them around to really look at them in the sunlight they tend to be less ominous. I have always believed that the reason we share our innermost thoughts with another is that it empowers us, and removes power from our worst ideas.

I have a few years sober and I will tell you I can still sit in a nice restaurant and my mind will drift off into romanticizing the fine wines and the cognacs that are being served around me. I don't act on those thoughts, but they are still there. I guess it has something to do with being an alcoholic?

Stay strong for yourself and remember doing this alone is your choice, we don't have to and it is easier to share the burden with those who care about us.

Good luck, you can do it.

Jon

SF69

Rob, I too am sorry to hear about your mother-in-law.

And as Jomey said, 'thoughts are just thoughts'. The important thing is that you caught yourself before acting on them.

Rowan

I'm really glad that you didn't pick up, Rob. I agree that it's necessary to come up with a plan for when you are home alone - can your sponsor stay with you? Can you stay with him? Do whatever you have to in order to stay safe. And remember - you CAN do this. You've come so far.

1963comet

We are wise to first make oureslves aware of our destructive self-talk (thinking that is contrary to are long term interest) and then refuse to go along with it. While we cannot will ourselves not to have these thoughts or feelings. including strong urges, we can learn how to recognize that there are actually thoughts driving are urges and how to refuse to go along with them.

I thought this might help you. In SMART recovery they have things you can do instead of giving into urges. The information is to long to put on here. But you can check out there web-sight. I think there is a link here in the recovery programs. It is under DISARM section in tool box.

Just a idea to help you.

Dee74

I'm with the 'just thoughts' brigade Rob. Like Jfanagle I still have thoughts from time to time - I'm an alcoholic. But I don't give them room to grow - just play the tape through to the end as they say - remember what happened last time and the time before that and so on...
you just can't do that crap anymore.

You're in AA right ? Dunno if I'd move in with my sponsor - the 'home alone' thing is something you have to learn to deal with yourself - but I'd definitely talk to your sponsor, and talk to the other guys and gals in your meeting...and keep posting here - you're never alone.

D

Aysha

Wow Rob. Me and you are so in the same boat. I just had a thread on the exact same thing. My whole family is going to Florida for 8 days The first week in March. And my mind is spinning too. Every little detail. It's like I am fantasising about it. But at the same time I gotta snap out of it and ask myself what the hell I am thinking. I am not sure what exactly I am going to do during that time. I think what is going to work best for me is to not have more than 20 bucks at my disposal the whole time. If I have a large amount I am so scared of what I might do. Money for me is what will always get me going. I never go otherwise. I am doing like suggested. Planning ahead and running through my mind all the possibilityies and solutions. I am even going to tell on myself. I swear my hand to God. I am making it known to everyone these thoughts. Maybe they can help figure something out with me.
I need to start killing those thoughts before I even get started.
Dont even entertain those thoughts. Definately start figuring out a plan now.
I am here if you need me. I know I am going to be a crazy SR fool the whole time they are gone.
You can do it. Imagine how great it is going to be after they get back and you stood your ground. I can imagine the pride and joy of it has to be great. I plan on finding out when my family gets back.

StandFast

Don't be alone. Get in the car, bus, or bike and drive to your nearest sober friend, relative or stanger.


Good luck.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Rob,

PIck up the phone and call your sponsor!! Get going on your Step work. Whenever I'm in a bad place, I do my work and it helps. Take the using thoughts and put them to work constructively.

You are doing great and you CAN do this!

Karen

barb dwyer

That's when you call your sponsor. You and your sponsor have plenty of time to come up with a plan. You can fill your time with service committmented activities (God do you HATE how that sounds 'service activities'- LOL) but trust me - there's plenty of time so BOMB PROOF your time so you have plenty of 'RobZsitters' ... relax!

I quoted ya cuz you described it well - and man, it just ... zooms through yer head - clicks into place - were we able to make a CAREER plan that fast - we'd all be worrying about our addictions by the POOL!

We don't usually PLAN the trigger. You ought to take a second and recognize that this is what you're recognizing - a trigger for you. That's a GOOD thin Rob me boy. A goodthing. Now let's get to work on it.

Just cuz you 'always' did something before, doesn't mean you're going to do that this time.

You are not your thoughts. You are the thinker of our thoughts.

This is where the words jump OUT of the book - and INTO your life.
you're being handed an opportunity here, Rob.

One thing.
Your wife ... is going across the continent... because a loved one .. is dying.

The whole rest of this thing ... was all about YOU.

This is one of the first important things we need to get straight as alcoholics.
There's more than one reason we refer to ourselves as USERS.
Just for a little bit ... put yourself in your wife's place.
That's called compassion. Maybe help her plan and prepare for what is going to be a very sad time. A life changing time for her. Help her go into that time for the closure she needs ...

St_Kurt

Hey Rob. You've gotten a lot of really good advice on how to deal with the situation so I'm not going to repeat it. I can explain how those thoughts popped up so fast and without warning however, and why following that advice WILL keep you safe.

There are many who argue about addiction as disease/not-disease and from a recovery point of view, I suggest picking the one that helps you stay sober. From a medical point of view however, addiction has clearly identifiable genetic and physiological alterations from normal (non-addict) brain chemistry and architecture. In other words, the reason non-addicts "don't get it" is because they are physically incapable of having the "addiction experience". The best they can do is emphasize.

I wrote a post in the thread: about this a few days ago. Here is the pertinent part though, so you don't have to read through the whole thing:

What you just experienced is the fact that even though you have consciously decided to quit using, and have been consciously following through on that desire - your unconscious has other ideas and has probably been working on it this entire time. Probably for a moment there, your conscious thoughts (hey! I'll be alone for week in March! I can do whatever I want!) and your sub-conscious came into alignment and suddenly all that sub-conscious plotting that's been going on for the last 35 days popped into your head fully formed and thought out.

The brain is an amazing thing, but a little scary too. I thought posting about this would help you understand what's going on. It's common to the addict experience. It's okay to be frightened by it - it just shows how powerful this disease is. It's what you are fighting and it can be overcome.

~SK

Jersey Nonny

Says something about the disease being "cunning, baffling, powerful"...insidious, too...just waiting to pounce when we are the most vulnerable. BUT, we have that power greater than ourselves...be it AA, SR, HP...together we can do what we cannot do alone!!! Remember that, and use it to get past this little speed bump.

Quote:

now you can plan how NOT to pick up before the time comes. Instead of planning how to pick up, plan how NOT to. Think in the same detail as to what you will do for yourself to stay sober. If necessary, can you stay with a friend or family member or have someone stay with you?

Well said! Lots and lots of meetings...regular contact with your phone network...daily readings/posts here at SR. Use whatever it takes to go to "any lengths"...it works, if you work it.

Just a thought...you'll certainly want to "be there" for your wife and daughter when your MIL passes...how much good will you be recovering from a relapse?

Tazman53

Oh man being alone was heavan when I was drinking, I know exactly where you are coming from!!! I turned down tons of things with dumb excuses why I could not go just to where I could be home alone to drink myself into oblivion!!!!

In the early days of my sobriety being alone was the worse place in the world for me! I foloowed many of the suggestions here, I went to every meeting I could go to, when there wasn't a meeting I would get on the phone with someone in the program, I would do all kinds of stuff around the house. Was it easy? Nope! What I did was as others suggested I put all the time into planning my recovery that I used to us for planning getting plowed.

Today thanks to the steps I worked with my sponsor I have found that the promises do come true:

Thanks to having worked the steps I can honestly say that the above holds true for me today, I am at peace even when I am alone, for in reality I am never alone, of course delving deeper into reality I have learned I was never totally alone in the first place.

Sobriety is a process that takes time and time takes time. It takes work.

GreenTea

"...Our disease is stronger because WE are stronger... The obsession can be so strong partly because its our own minds that we are up against..."

I couldn't do it alone... I still can't...

"...A daily reprieve contingent upon our spiritual condition..."

But it CAN be done... I'm living proof of that, and I am hardly alone.

You are not alone!