I'm so tired of the roller coaster...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: California
Posts: 3
I'm so tired of the roller coaster... Been on here before and got so much from everyone.
Long story short-- Together 4 years, married for 2 and now expecting baby in May. My husband refuses to quit drinking completely and it is tearing us apart. He is verbally and physically abusive, breaking things, being disrespectful etc. When only a little drunk, just more obnoxious and following me around, but I can't stand him and want to smack him! When sober he's so sweet and funny. Had us in counseling and now he quit, but I still go. Tried limiting beers or drinking days, but he sneaks them and hides empties in closet. His latest scheme is to come home drinking, but I can't confirm it for sure-- but his eyes are glossy, his temper is short and he is just weird acting, not my like my sober honey. I'm gonna end up leaving him, but that will be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. I suspect he will quit if he thinks I'm serious about leaving him, but I really don't know if he can or really will do that. If I end up leaving him, I may not want him back b/c too much damage has been done. Like they say, you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. What do I do with my love, my life, my husband who is tearing away pieces of me everyday. [/FONT][/FONT] Would he quit drinking if I leave him?? I know, no one really knows.....
rlynnh in California
Long story short-- Together 4 years, married for 2 and now expecting baby in May. My husband refuses to quit drinking completely and it is tearing us apart. He is verbally and physically abusive, breaking things, being disrespectful etc. When only a little drunk, just more obnoxious and following me around, but I can't stand him and want to smack him! When sober he's so sweet and funny. Had us in counseling and now he quit, but I still go. Tried limiting beers or drinking days, but he sneaks them and hides empties in closet. His latest scheme is to come home drinking, but I can't confirm it for sure-- but his eyes are glossy, his temper is short and he is just weird acting, not my like my sober honey. I'm gonna end up leaving him, but that will be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. I suspect he will quit if he thinks I'm serious about leaving him, but I really don't know if he can or really will do that. If I end up leaving him, I may not want him back b/c too much damage has been done. Like they say, you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. What do I do with my love, my life, my husband who is tearing away pieces of me everyday. [/FONT][/FONT] Would he quit drinking if I leave him?? I know, no one really knows.....
rlynnh in California
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
Have you tried Alanon yet? Whether you leave or stay the only person who can change your husband his himself and the same goes for the rest of us. With a baby on the way you will have to be thinking of someone other than just yourself now.
Alanon teaches me to focus on what I can do and how to protect myself from somebody else's destructive lifestyle.
Will he quit if you leave him? What if he does? How are you doing? What kind of environment do you want for yourself and your new baby?
I hope you will try to get to some meetings. When I was new to recovery I attended LOTS of meetings. Alanon and open AA and NA meetings helped me to see what I needed to change about myself and once I began to practice what I learned, I was armed with tools and new ideas that saved my life and my sanity.
Have you tried Alanon yet? Whether you leave or stay the only person who can change your husband his himself and the same goes for the rest of us. With a baby on the way you will have to be thinking of someone other than just yourself now.
Alanon teaches me to focus on what I can do and how to protect myself from somebody else's destructive lifestyle.
Will he quit if you leave him? What if he does? How are you doing? What kind of environment do you want for yourself and your new baby?
I hope you will try to get to some meetings. When I was new to recovery I attended LOTS of meetings. Alanon and open AA and NA meetings helped me to see what I needed to change about myself and once I began to practice what I learned, I was armed with tools and new ideas that saved my life and my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Yes, he may very well quit drinking, or promise to quit drinking, or tell you about his plans to quit drinking ... IF you leave. But I wouldn't bet the farm on him getting sober.
So, leave. Then see if he seeks sobriety, works a program, and remains sober. Regardless of whether you come back or not.
Whether you leave, whether you stay, whether you threaten ... bottom line is it doesn't have a doggone thing to do with him being an alcoholic. No matter what you do or what he says .... you are NOT part of the equation in his addiction.
The day I realized that I DID NOT MATTER ONE TINY BIT EVEN IF THE ADDICT BLAMED ME FOR THE BOOZING WAS THE DAY I KNEW THE ADDICTION HAD NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
Period.
So when you get REALLY sick and tired of the roller coaster, you will get off the ride. Just like him getting sober - when he hits his bottom (and if he hits it), he'll get off the booze. Just different sides of the same coin, isn't it?
So, leave. Then see if he seeks sobriety, works a program, and remains sober. Regardless of whether you come back or not.
Whether you leave, whether you stay, whether you threaten ... bottom line is it doesn't have a doggone thing to do with him being an alcoholic. No matter what you do or what he says .... you are NOT part of the equation in his addiction.
The day I realized that I DID NOT MATTER ONE TINY BIT EVEN IF THE ADDICT BLAMED ME FOR THE BOOZING WAS THE DAY I KNEW THE ADDICTION HAD NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
Period.
So when you get REALLY sick and tired of the roller coaster, you will get off the ride. Just like him getting sober - when he hits his bottom (and if he hits it), he'll get off the booze. Just different sides of the same coin, isn't it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: land of the sick and tired
Posts: 68
I have been in your shoes. i would suggest AlAnon and keep posting here.
I would also suggest putting down boundaries in the home.
I too, was sick and tired of the roller coaster. It took me 15 years to get to this point. I determined that at my current age my life was half over. I have a lot of living left to do and I could not be brought down by my AH. It is my turn to start living.
You sound like a very strong person. You will triumph. Believe that.
Take care of yourself and the baby.
I would also suggest putting down boundaries in the home.
I too, was sick and tired of the roller coaster. It took me 15 years to get to this point. I determined that at my current age my life was half over. I have a lot of living left to do and I could not be brought down by my AH. It is my turn to start living.
You sound like a very strong person. You will triumph. Believe that.
Take care of yourself and the baby.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Can I suggest you get off the rollercoaster. I felt so much better once I did. Start educating yourself about addiction if you haven't yet.
i WAS PREGNANT WITH MY 3RD CHILD WHEN i STARTED THINKING ABOUT AL-ANON. He is now 10 months old. and I went to my first meeting. the Sooner we start taking care of ourselves the better off we are.
I have learned so much about this disease and myself...I staretd by posting /reading here. That lead me to buy some books (read the sticky). I would suggest Marriage on the Rocks (to start). Then I went to Al-anon and I went to my first counceling apptmnt too. I understand things in a way I never knew I could.
I am not sure of your situation. You said you are going to counceling. That is great! Does your councelor have experience with addiction?
Thanks for posting many of us have been in your situation.
i WAS PREGNANT WITH MY 3RD CHILD WHEN i STARTED THINKING ABOUT AL-ANON. He is now 10 months old. and I went to my first meeting. the Sooner we start taking care of ourselves the better off we are.
I have learned so much about this disease and myself...I staretd by posting /reading here. That lead me to buy some books (read the sticky). I would suggest Marriage on the Rocks (to start). Then I went to Al-anon and I went to my first counceling apptmnt too. I understand things in a way I never knew I could.
I am not sure of your situation. You said you are going to counceling. That is great! Does your councelor have experience with addiction?
Thanks for posting many of us have been in your situation.
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