sthemuz

I just discovered this board a couple hours ago and couldn't wait to post. I haven't even "looked" around much so forgive me if this as already been discussed elsewhere. I am just getting ready to hit my 7-year wedding anniversary. I'm almost 41. I have a 5-year old, and I've also been living with a functional alcoholic. It has been an on-again, off-again issue with us for the past several years. We've been in marriage counseling on and off, but things would change for a while, but then go right back. I just saw a therapist earlier today, and I think the "writing's on the wall". After a big verbal assault on me after confronting my AH's drinking a couple weeks ago, I've decided I just don't want to go on like this anymore. I gave him an ultimatum -- either quit the drinking, with the help of AA, or I'm gone. Well, he says he is a responsible father and family man, and he does not believe he has to change. I have an appointment with an attorney in a couple of days. I'm hoping that by me filing for divorce, it will open his eyes and he will go for help. 90% of me says I'm doing the right thing, but 10% is having a tough time of it. I can't believe that he has chosen his drinking over me and our family. I have a good plan in place, and I have a decent job where I can support myself and my son. From what little I've read here, I can tell there are a lot of voices of experience. Please help with any advice and/or insight! Thanks!!!!

freya

Well, your plan sounds fine except for the part about hoping that it will make him realize that he needs to get help and change his ways. It sounds like you've already made it very clear that you do not want the kind of life you're living with him being an active A; it also sounds like he's made it very clear that he doesn't want to change. So far, so good -- as far as your deciding that that means that you need out. But, if you are harboring any hope that your leaving is going to be the thing that finally makes him change, then your leaving is just one more step in the dance of your trying to manipulate him into doing what you want him to do and you are, most likely, setting yourself up for all kinds of trouble and disappointment.

Here's the really hard thing: Your AH is an adult human being and, as such, he deserves the dignity and respect of being allowed to make his own choices and live his life the way he chooses. He also deserves the respect of being allowed to face the consequences of his choices. Manipulation of any kind -- regardless of how noble the motive or how "good" the intended goal -- is not respectful of his rights and his choices. I know that this is really hard to understand, let alone accept and act in accordance with, but, based on my own experience living with and "trying to help" a relapsed A, it is absolutely true and nothing I did before I accepted these facts really ended up being helpful at all -- to my A or to me.

If you leave, you leave...and you leave for you, your child, and your right to pursue the kind of life you want and deserve. Period. Anything else is in the hands of God and all you can do is trust that it will be whatever it needs to be.

Good luck -- freya

Barbara52

Welcome! You have found a great place for information and support.

Read the stickies. THey have a lot of useful information. And keep posting.

shakarris

Welcome - you have found the best place in the world.. read, post, listen
there are many amazing people here who have walked many miles ahead of us.

I am fairly new to this board but I cannot tell you how much strengrh i find everyday from reading here.

I am sorry that you find yourself here but it sounds like you have made some great strides.... keep coming back you wont regret it for a minute

shakarris

cmc

Welcome to the forum. I hope you will keep coming by to post and to read. Alanon helped me to learn about this disease and going to meetings offers some great support and new friends who understand. There is alot of good information here on this forum and also on some of the other forums offered on SR. You might want to take a look around and read the stickys, some other threads and get to know some of the great people who come here.
Keep coming back.

melbar4

I have been married to an alcoholic for 16 years, have four children together and we have been battling this disease throughout our entire marriage. I have made threats, begged, policed him, cried, joined the party, denied sex, ignored him, screamed, etc and it never worked, maybe temporarily but the "elephant" always stomped back into our life in a big way. One night he woke up in an alley without his front tooth and came home to beg for help. I thought he had finally hit his bottom. He went to a two week treatment and I naively I believed it was all better. But suprise, the worst was yet to come. My children witnessed horrible things and heard even worse on a daily basis. He came in one night chased me around the house and threatened to kill me. I filed divorce in November with the same intentions as you stated, thinking this would get him to realize how sick he was. I believed that in order to keep our family together, he would do anything. I was so wrong. I told him the only thing that would keep me from divorcing him is if he went into some type of long term treatment program. He told me he didn't have a problem anymore and that maybe I was his problem He moved in with a divorced guy that he met at a bar and he really began enjoying himself. No responsibility, no butts to wipe, no nagging wife, no bedtime, no one to make him be a somewhat 'functional person'. Meanwhile, I became so scared of the choice I had made. (Lordy, I wish I had found SR at this time) Afterall, I didn't really intend on him leaving, I loved him and just knew he loved me enough to just stop the madness. I begged him and begged him to come home. After many humiliating refusals, he did come back right before Christmas but not under my demands. He set the rules. He came and went as he wanted and I tried my best not to rock the boat. I even began letting my hair down and drinking a beer or two with him when the children were not around. I gave him sex on demand and tried to keep the household as peaceful as it can be with four kids around. I asked nothing from him and took all that he gave me, good or bad and it was mostly bad. One day, he left to go to work and he never came home. I called him to see if he was picking up our son as agreed upon and in four minutes during a drunken phone call, he ended our marriage. After all I had tried, he still was unhappy and sick and just walked out on his life. I have since found out that he was hooking up with women at bars and basically was looking for a way out. His disease is now making all decisions for him. It never mattered what I did, he was on his own path.
My point is don't file divorce unless you really mean it. You need to MEAN IT! Nothing will make him get better but his own free will. I am working hard on letting go of my dream, and letting God make the decisions for my STBXAH and for me and my children as well. I am getting out of the way of God's plan for my STBXAH. Afterall, I tried it all and nothing I did worked. I can't guilt him, shame him, beg him, threaten him or love him enough to get him well. That hurts, but it is the facts with this disease. You have to figure out what you are willing to accept for you and your kids. We have to be the strong ones and make the right choice for a healthy life. That isn't usually the easy way, but I feel in my heart, it is the only way to ensure that my kids and I are safe and will have a fair chance at a truly happy life. And isn't that what we deserve?
Welcome to this wonderful site. I feel stronger everyday by just being here.
Melissa

AWEDA

After 23 years of my AH being in and out of rehab,I threatened to leave too many times to count. Thing got worse and worse till I finally had the courage to leave. My children and I are much happier now though I struggle financially. I gave him more chances to change than most people would have given. The love I felt for him became replaced with anger and resentment,I did not like the person I had become. This wonderful place helped me realize things could be better for me,there was NO WAY I was ever going to save him. I wanted a family and my husband wanted to drink. His selfishness and self centeredness killed the feelings I had for so many years. If I had my life to live over again............ Take care God Bless

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you have found us! This is a great place ....and please know you are not alone-

hope2bhappy

Alcoholics do not respond to ultimatums or threats of divorce. If you make threats, make sure you follow through, otherwise he will walk all over you. Welcome to the group.

sthemuz

Thanks to all the great advice and insight! I've read all your posts and then some. I have to conclusion that he is the one that wants to change. No matter what I do, he won't change if he doesn't want to. I read a lot here on the site regarding detaching. I think I understand it. Sooo....last night we had a talk. I told him that I've done a lot of research on the topic of functional alcoholics and no matter what I do, I can't change him; however, I can change how I react to him. So I told him that the only way I can make this work and stay, is for me not to see the drinking; which means no drinking during family functions, camping trips, vacations, etc. I told him I don't care if, when, or how much he drinks; as long as it's not around me or our son. And, lo and behold, he says that if that's all it takes, "sure"! Boy, that is not the reaction I expected. We both understood that there is now a lot of damage and resentment, and in time we will see if we can get through it. He then asked if I was still going through with the divorce actions (which at this point I hadn't even started), and I said no -- we'll see how it goes. He said that he had to know because he had already started papers for a "petition for custody". That really shocked and somewhat scared me. Luckily it was after our conversation. What sane judge would possibly take custody away from me...as clean and "square" as I am! For the first 4 years of our 5-year old's life, I quit my job and stayed home with him. Any input or advice, please? (Again, I'm really thankful that I found this site; and thanks again for all your postings for me!)

KBear_73

I wish I had some great advice for you but I don't know that I'm the right person for it ... I have confidence in others on these boards though with more insight.

However, reading your post, two things jumped out at me ...

1) Am I right in re-phrasing what you said as "I don't care if you drink. As long as I don't see it" and he said "Sure (ie sounds good to me!!)" and you were surprised by that? And that really is okay with you? That you really don't care if he's drunk, as long as you don't see it?? Is that what you REALLY want??

2) You gave him an ultimatum either to quit drinking or you'll get a divorce. And his response was to immediately go and get a petition for custody? Hmmm I wonder if that's because he knows that threatening you with losing your son might make you reconsider the divorce ... or is it because he sees that the writing IS on the wall and has already made his choice of the booze over the marriage??

It's tough I know ... believe me

Cynay

Just wanted to say welcome and glad to see you here!

sthemuz

KBear

1) Am I right in re-phrasing what you said as "I don't care if you drink. As long as I don't see it" and he said "Sure (ie sounds good to me!!)" and you were surprised by that? And that really is okay with you? That you really don't care if he's drunk, as long as you don't see it?? Is that what you REALLY want??
Bear

No, actually I do care, and really wish he wouldn't drink. But I can't make that decision for him. I'm hoping that by not seeing it, it won't bother me so much that I'll want to end the marriage. From past experience with him, I truly was surprised by his reaction. I know I have lots to think about. I'm not ready to throw it all away [yet]. This is my "last ditch effort". I have a lot of resentment and anger...we both do. I still plan on going to counseling. He is a binge drinker. He can go for weeks without drinking and then suddenly there will be a night that he gets drunk. Time will tell whether it will work. I might not be able to get past the resentment and anger.

2) You gave him an ultimatum either to quit drinking or you'll get a divorce. And his response was to immediately go and get a petition for custody? Hmmm I wonder if that's because he knows that threatening you with losing your son might make you reconsider the divorce ... or is it because he sees that the writing IS on the wall and has already made his choice of the booze over the marriage??


He is a very stubborn and arrogant man. And yes, he did chose booze over the marriage. But for him to at least give me that much (not drinking during family-related functions and/or around me), it gives me a little hope that it MAY work. I'm just not ready to "throw in the towel yet." Besides the drinking, he really is a good man. I actually feel sorry for him because he is caught up in something he can't control without professional help. I'm willing to give it a month or so and see how it goes. Luckily I'm a strong person and if this doesn't work, I'll be ready for it. I still have an appt. with my attorney tomorrow. I'll be ready to go with the divorce with just a phone call if need be.

Thanks for your input, Kbear. It truly is a tough situation. I have lots to think about.

jehnifer

You have so much courage to face these very emotional issues head on and have mature civil discussions with your husband about the problems. It is fair that your approach is to give it another try and see how it goes. Your husband probably does not want the marriage to end either and intends to cooperate with your boundary. And hopefully it will all work out. But alcoholism remember is a disease and just be prepared that if he is an alcoholic no matter how badly he intends to cooperate with what you are asking for he may not be able to do it. Not because he is a bad person and doesn't care about you and the family, but because the POWER of the disease is stronger than his human ability to behave differently. Its not a simple thing to stop drinking if you have the disease, without alot of help and support from those who have been there themselves. So compassion and understanding toward him will help, but then turn your thinking and actions toward yourself and deteremine what you need and want to live a happy life.

KBear_73

I can relate to having the lots to think about ... doing so will help you be ready for whatever decision you make in the end - sticking by him, or letting him go. And because I don't know you or him I wouldn't dare advise either way. I'm also with someone who is an alcoholic and I too have lots to think about ... my thoughts go to you and I hope you find the answers you are looking for either through these boards, through counselling, or through your own heart. I really do wish you and your hubby all the best and fingers crossed you and he will be an inspiring success story on here ... either way you sound strong and confident and I really wish the best for you!!