ajangels2

My AH has been sober for 10 and half months. When he first got sober he was defiant basically because I booted him out for his reckless behavior that almost cost him his life and ruined my car. It took about a month of drying out and meetings before I started to hear some changes in him. His spirituality seemed to be growing in ways that I never thought was possible for him. He found a sponsor and was going to meetings regularly.

He began working steps with his sponsor and while it was tough for him he appeared happier. We integrated back in the home things were rolling along, I was going to meetings and working with my sponsor, etc. Then his sponsor relapsed and blew my AH off I guess for his own reasons. We pulled out of the church we were at because the sponsor still attended there. AH has slowly stopped going to meetings... he says he does not enjoy hearing the whining that goes on in the meetings. Last he said was his sobriety allows him to have a job, be with his kids and stay married to me. Great... except he's miserable. He's angry everyday, getting verbally abusive again, very low frustration tolerance with the children. Just very negative and cynical about life. I don't wish for the drinking and drugging by any means, but this is almost just as bad. He is draining me... I try and emotionally detach, but I'm currently 3 months pregnant and full of hormones and that has been difficult. I'm still going to my meetings and talking with my sponsor.

I'm sad he's so miserable but alas there is nothing I can do for him, only try and make my own life better. I have contemplated seperation and even divorce because quite honestly who the hell wants to live with a man who is angry and pissed at the world 24/7!!!! Is this dry drunk behavior and if it is... how do I cope with this?

Thanks for listening,
Angels

mike_mass

It sounds like dry-drunk behavior to me. I would try to gently coax him back to meetings.

ajangels2

Yes it does suck... I don't know about coaxing back to meetings. At this time he's hell bent that he does not need AA. What I realized when I set going to meeting and keeping a sponsor as boundaries that I needed to stay in the relationship.. is that I can't force someone to do what they don't want. It was a boundary and now I'm saying its not... what's that about for me? Something I need to address with my sponser I guess and figure out for me what I need. Unfortunately it won't be what I need from this relationship because I've come up empty many times.

best

Did you replace those meetings with another church?
AA meetings and or a good church... we need to keep a fellowship if we want to continue to grow.
Leave me alone in my own head and I will start to return to my old ways as well.

cookconfay

I hate this all for you dang it! But......can't make 'em do it. I will keep ya'll in my prayers. Bout all you can do is like Anvil says and pray.........

ajangels2

Thanks guys for your support. As I was pondering over the boundaries we set forth for each other when he moved back home last year I did notice that some of what I asked from him was more directed and controlling his program instead of my own.

Anvil you are right it's the I will... add whatever consequence follows that is the tough part. At this time I'm frustrated beyond belief and just don't really even want to be around him, but let's face it I have circumstances beyond my control that will not allow me to just pick up and leave. The other thing I've noticed other recovering A's talk about in meetings is that their "dry drunk" spells can last very short or very long depending on how quickly they are to recognize their behavior.

I learned very quickly that me saying your exhibiting dry drunk behavior or I think you could use a meeting doesn't go over very well coming from me... another A that says that to him is so much more powerful. HP has put people in his path, recovering A's that have told him you need to get back to meetings and find yourself an ole timer for a sponser even if you don't really like him that much. I have wanted to find another church because the boys and I miss it... and I will offer him to come with us if he chooses not to then he is the one to miss out. I have been praying but maybe my prayers need to be more about HP's will for his life and helping me find the peace and serenity I need regardless of whether he goes back to another meeting and stays grumpy. The real question is can I live with this type of behavior till death do us part? Lately I've been thinking no way... but I know full well as I've experienced God's awesome power that when things move they move quickly and usually it's because I've taken my hands off of it... finally.

Peace,
ajangels

DetachMe9

Coming from someone who sits on both sides of the fence here, it sounds to me like he's working his way towards relapsing. Nothing you can do to stop it, except help yourself by going to meetings and making sure you're not responding to his deterioration by enabling him more. Sometimes it's hard to see.

Two steps forward.....

Pajarito

ajangels2, It's very hard, isn't it? I tried setting boundaries with my AH, but didn't get very far He might have "shaped up" for a while, but all the time storing up resentments. It came out one day last August and he ended up leaving me and our daughter. Since that time I have learned so much about myself. Why did I put up with intolerable behavior? Why did I try to control his issues? There's no manual. You hope you're dealing with a rational person- that he'd see the effect of his behavior on you and your children. It just doesn't work out that way always. You can only take care of yourself. That is a huge lesson I now see. I do believe in a HP. I take our daughter to church and my AH has an open invitation to meet us there, but he never has. It hurts to know that he's chosen his way and not to be with me or our daughter. There's nothing I can do about it. I think the advice you've gotten here is great- breathe, go to meetings, find a church you can go to- invite your husband. . . if he doesn't go there's nothing you can do. Think about the boundaries you can set and follow through with. Many times I told my AH I couldn't take living the way we were- if he didn't go to a meeting regularly, get a sponsor, etc., we would have to separate. In the back of my mind I never really wanted that- I'd say it to light a fire under him. Well- he turned the tables and left me. I think it was my HP doing for me what I couldn't do myself. I was devastated at first, but I now see that I could not go back to living with his chaos. Sad, but I am getting stronger and learning to move on. I guess what I am trying to say is you can only control yourself. Take care of yourself, let things play out. Things will become clearer. . . the other thing I do is go to a great therapist. . . just a thought- it's helped me immensely.

Rella927

Nope never got me anywhere so I decided to take care of myself and started AL-Anon and counseling! What a relief it became-mine was nasty with or without the bottle in his mouth-

I was tired of wasting energy on trying to fix him....(Hmmm I think that was the day I found SR)

Be gentle with yourself....