Chrysalis

So I have this situation and I am not sure how to handle it.
My AH has been dry for 9 months and is just now starting to see AA as an option. He is desparately trying to rebuild our relationship. Part of his rebuilding project includes a Valentines Day date. He has asked me many times if we should go out on V Day. My answer is, 'if you want to go then lets go but keep in mind it is a school night and we should make it an early night'. Truthfully, I don't want to go out with him. Historically, we have never had a V Day date just a card and some flowers. I am not comfortable being out with him for 3 hours or so face to face. A movie might be ok but no hand holding and nothing more.

Then we have the issue of the V Day card. You know that part where you have to sign your name preceeded by the 'Love, CoDeep" or 'With Love,' or 'I love you"!!! I just can't say any of these since I don't feel them in my heart. If I just sign my name we will have a huge discussion about my not being able to say the L word. Truthfully, I don't think the L word and my AH belong on the same card. I really don't want to hurt him but I can't lie to him either.

I will save the 15 yr anniversary situtation for next month.
Thanks!

hello-kitty

Don't you think that it is important to be honest about your feelings to him? If you don't feel like you love him, why would you lie and tell him you do? Won't that hurt him more in the long run?

Chrysalis

Yes, I agree entirely. I know the "get really honest" part of the program but everytime I open my mouth the words won't come out. Literally, I stand there with my mouth open and my body language in 'I have something to say' mode but it's like the audio/vocals is disconnected from the rest of me. Any suggestions?

Cupicake

Is it because you worry that your honesty or response will cause him to use again?
I know that even though I can't cause him to use I'm always hesitant about what I want to say and blurt out with my exAH so I think before I speak and usually the moment has passed when I finally figure out how I want to say something...although I've learned to say it anyway even if it's off topic from what we've moved on to.

hello-kitty

I totally empathize with you. It's extremely hard for me to be honest about my feelings to someone, especially when I am afraid that it will hurt them, but sometimes I just buck up and do it anyway. For the greater good. And because it's the way I would want to be treated. You know... that whole do unto others thing.

I guess if I was in the situation, I would have to give serious thought to why I wasn't being honest about my feelings towards him. Am I trying to protect him? Am I trying to prevent a relapse? Am I trying to keep him on the line, just in case? Do I think that we have a chance at reconciliation in the future or am I just taking the easy way out so I don't have to deal with it.

Good luck.

Chrysalis

I admit, I am just taking the easy way out so I don't have to deal with it. Avoidance, classic codependent. I think if I put it off long enough he will leave and then I will be free of the burden of breaking up the marriage. How silly is that? I know it is rediculous because many years and events have lead me to this point but I know he will endup saying "it was her choice to break up, I was willing to try"; even though it's too little tool late the love is gone.

hello-kitty

I don't think it's silly. But you are right that it is classic. Ask me how I know. Cuz I'm a classic co-dependent too. I never want to hurt anyones feelings. ;-) Even if they've absolutely crushed mine.

BayAreaPhoenix

You know what? This is EXACTLY what I got. "It is your choice to walk away from the marriage, I was willing to try". Are you kidding me? Now, now he's willing to try!!!! Right! It is sooooo hard to hear because it took YEARS to get to this place. I have done the old reply/defense, I am a codie after all. Last week I didn't do a phone call well, my end of it I mean, but I made it clear (for the last time I think) just who I thought checked out of this marriage first. I doubt he heard me, but I think (I hope) I heard it from myself for the last time. I know how I got here, and I'm not giving up easy or anything of the sort. I played my part, no doubt. The key for me is, I wanted to progress and learn to be happy in my life, which is what finally gave me the courage to say no more, he on the other hand didn't progress at all. Favorite saying I have heard here is nothing changes if nothing changes!

When and if you finally get to the point where you actually say it out loud, I wish you strength and courage! Whatever you do, take care of yourself! Life is short and we do deserve happiness!

greeteachday

I love your honesty...This thread is filled with tough admissions...I don't love him, I don't want to have to face the issue, I am taking the easy way out. I truly admire all you have said here. I don't have any words of advice or anything eye opening to share, I just wanted to say I truly, truly appreicate how honest you are and how difficult saying something like this aloud (well sort of aloud..in writing to others anyway) is.

I was thinking when I looked at V Day cards (and other occassions too) that the card manufacturers have really missed the boat. There is a market out there for many people who do not have those squishy, warm fuzzy feelings and but feel obligated to give a card. Not just spouses...parents, siblings,whatever. Sometimes funny works, sometimes it doesn't. A nice card, pretty picture and a message hoping the person has happiness or good karma or something might be a lot better than insincere words that mean nothing. Just my little rant, I guess.

I do hope you find the strength to someday find a way to make your needs known and to do what will bring you happiness. As Codeinewife said...life is short and you do deserve happiness. Hugs

Chrysalis

Ok, so it's the day after and I am going to post the aftermath but I will do it on a new thread on the Friends and Family board.

hope you will look for it.