christin

Good Afternoon Gals & Guys, I need some support please.
It's been awhile since my last post and the bad days are getting further apart. Soon to be xah will not let go. He is promising the world but not producing any results. Says he will stop drinking if I would just come back home. Also I have a good reliable source that he has cheated on me while we have been going through this divorce. I almost went back, believing his lies. I've told him that he needs to get help, I don't trust him and that I want to be divorced. My only worries are my children and I. Why, Oh Why is this happening. I love/loved him so much and gave so much just to be trampled on again by his manipulation. Am I right guys, Barb are u out there.. Come here and talk to me please. Anyone.. I very sad/angry u name it today!, :codiepolice I Want Off the Ride Now Please!!!!!

LaTeeDa

It amazes me how they think they get to make up the rules. They don't!

You are in charge of your life and you get to decide what's best for you. When I stopped listening to the words and started paying attention to the actions, my decisions became much, much easier.

L

christin

Thank you for the kind words la. I just seem to cry for days. Anger comes next. I want the best for my children, but I want to move forward and am having a hard time doing it some days. How long will it take? I know no one can answer that question, but in my late thirties I just never thought I would be going at it all alone again. My sister is a God send as we are living with her, I still have to get my belongings and the childrens out of the house. I don't want to see him. I'm just being a desperate whinny butt. I want a magic wand and make the hurt go away.

DMPA

I'm just being a desperate whinny butt. I want a magic wand and make the hurt go away

that sounds exactly like me some days... sometimes it's not one day at a time..it's one breath at a time but it does get better..easier. i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. i HATE when i feel like that.

Barbara52

You've gotten out. You and your children are moving forward to a better life. Why in the world would you even consider going backwards into the madness again?

Stop thinking about what he needs, what he should do, etc. That is his mess, lis life to do with as he pleases.

You get to decide what to do with your life. Heck you've done the hard part by getting out. The rest is paperwork (the divorce).

Pick-a-name

I'm so sorry. I feel the same way often and have even said the same thing about never imagining I would go through this,especially at a few weeks shy of 54y. Some days I do not know what I want,but I know I am fed up with all the crap!

No words of advice,just thought I'd let you know that you are not the only one feeling as you do. I find some comfort in knowing my feelings and reactions must not be completely abnormal,since you describe all the chaos in my head and heart.

Hope you feel better very soon!

prodigal

It's happening because he is an addict mired in his addiction. He wants to keep the booze and you too. Addicts want what they want, when they want, and on the terms they dictate.

There are things that have happened in my life recently that have made me say, "Why this, why now, why me?" Sometimes instead of asking "why?" we just need to accept that life is difficult, oftentimes unfair, and frequently baffling.

christin

Thanks everyone. Barb I know you are right & I know I was wrong for even thinking about it. Boy, how they get ahold of ya and play the mind games.

I'm relying on my HP and putting everything over to him. Funny how when you start to backslide, he puts some humor in front of ya to let ya know that he is always working for ya. What a lot of YA!! LOL...

The divorce should be final at the First of March, but he is behind already on child support, hasn't took his parenting class (which after 60 days is charged with contempt). I'm afraid this is going to be dragged out as long as he can. Once final he will have nothing but the roof over his head. We are the ones still living out of boxes. I really can't stand him and hope i can forgive him someday, I'll never forget.

Thanks everyone for listening and kind words of advice. I love this place.

Rella927

-LaTeeDa

I could not agree more! With my X he promised me the world over 6 times.....and I allowed myself to believe him. When I began to get tired of crying, living in fear it is then I too stopped listening to words because there were no actions behind them. I had to put action towards myself and make the choice's I could to live a happy live without chaos-it became much easier and I much stronger....and today I'm much happier! He had choices but chose not to make them.

Today I'm moving in the right direction for ME.....it is a shame that someone that I loved could not make the right choices and move along with me, but I'm ok with that now!

Sorry that you are struggling with this...it will get easier

christin

Thanks Rella. I'm glad to know that eventually it will get better. I'm no longer accepting phone calls, e-mails etc. only if it pertains to our child. No longer listening to the bs (lah, lah, lah, with my fingers in my ears). Thanks everyone.

Rella927

See that is a start! And there you go you that is a great step! Now it will get easier.....I'm sure you can feel a little more peace in your life?

The quacking of an A is not always a fun thing to hear! I'm glad to see you are moving in the right direction!

denny57

Another step for me - which my therapist has helped greatly with - is letting go of the idea that AH has made the "wrong" choices. His choices are right for him at the time, as are mine. Working on this has helped me lose the idea that I know what is best for anyone, not just the A in my life. It keeps me out of gossip and focused on my own issues.

This is an exercise that is having big payoffs for me.

Pajarito

Wonderful advice Denny- and something I need to think about.

Pajarito

Yep, Actions speak louder than words. When I realized that, that's when I went to see a lawyer.

It's hard- I am in the same situation- didn't ever think I'd be here either- but here I am. Now what am I going to do? Take care of myself. One thing I am working on is noting when I think about him- what's he doing? What's he thinking, Why did he. . . whatever. And I am trying to turn that energy back onto me- what I'm doing, thinking, feeling. What do I want??? That's where I'm trying to focus my energy. Slowly. . .

(((take care)))

Pick-a-name

I realized this myself the other day,too. In fact I said to exAH that I found how he left cowardly,but perhaps that was the best he could do. That probably is the truth. His reasons and life are his own.

I'm sure many of the things I took/take personally (like he planned and put a lot of thought into) are probably more the result of desperate actions and reactions. I sometimes (how?!) forget he is a very sick and troubled person. I know how crazy I feel just being around it,and I am not even drinking,etc.

Very sad. I can not go down with a sinking ship because he refuses to get into the lifeboat.

As for the already late child support,etc. ....hopefully it is brought to the judge's attention before the case is closed so that whatever is done will not cost you more (in a case) in the future,if possible.

SirCharles

"Says he will stop drinking if I would just come back home" First of all, he needs to find it within himself to quit drinking and not use you as the reason why he quits. My AH just recently quit drinking (for the 3rd time) after he realized (for the third time) that drinking makes him so terribly sick and after just 1 day of binge drinking he literally cannot get out of bed, gets the shakes so bad and is sick as all get out. Hence the reason why he ended up in the hospital (for the second time). He has to quit on his own and there are no guarantees that they won't go back. If you feel you cannot trust him, then my suggestion is to wait it out and see what the future holds before making any commitments to him. He has to be committed to himself before he can commit to you.

Hang in there........

TDinATL

Christin (Beautiful name! I've never seen it spelled like that before.)

I'm in the same boat. My wife and I were separated for 7 months last year and I was made to believe it was all my fault. We got back together in October and she promised not to drink anymore.

She came home drunk last Wednesday and we got into it, now she says (quote):
"I was wrong for agreeing to the terms of which you set for me. I was trying to do whatever it took to keep us together. Yes, I totally understand why you don't want me out getting sloppy drunk. Which I didn't. But, the truth is you should trust me to be able to go out and have a couple of drinks and know that I would not do anything to hurt you lilke I have in the past."

Wow... She knows she's hurt me with drinking in the past but wants me to trust her now to "have a couple drinks"??? She even says she shouldn't have agreed to my terms!

I'm still not able to let go yet, truthfully it's just recently that I realized how severe a problem the alcohol is. I have faith and I'm praying a lot - still hopeful. Sometimes I feel I should replace the word hopeful with crazy!

Mair

Keep doing what you are doing, you are doing well. dont listen to his promises. take this time to analyze why you are in this situation, and work on yourself. make promises to yourself to take better care of you.

this is what i am trying to do. it's difficult but not as difficult as being with my xab. Ive discovered a lot of wrongs in me and by facing them i hope i will never put myself in a similar situation.

Mair

Shivaya

Denny57 you are so wise! Thank you for sharing with us. Now the trick for me will be to actually use this extremely helpful advice!

Shivaya

denny57

Thanks for the compliment - I wish it were so! Here's what I am - old and tired LOL!!!!! I spent almost 20 years trying to beat someone else's addiction so I am very open right now to alternative ways of living. At this point in my life I've let go of the idea I know best. Anyone who knows me knows just how difficult that has been for me.