Letters

Old 02-11-2008, 12:49 PM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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Letters

I have been keeping a journal for about seven months now and just recently started to write to my decest mom and dad. I also plan to write to my ******** brother. There is a lot I would love to say to him but he doesn't understand and so I thought if I just put it in the journal it might make me feel better. Anyway, wrighting to mom and dad is helping. It helps me get to the crooks of the situation. Helps me understand who I am and why.

There is a lot I want to get off my chest, things that need to be said and feelings that need to be felt. But now that I am here to say them..... It's like a switch has been flipped and I am in that limbo state. No real feelings and a blank slate when I know there are words there. It's like what I needed to say so badly is no longer of any importants. There is just nothingness.

Does that happen to any of you?
D
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Old 02-11-2008, 02:31 PM
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Writing is very therapeutic...
do you feel better?
maybe you're gotten to a point where there's nothing left to say.
Put it aside for a period of time and maybe more will come to you at a later time.
****{Hugs}}}
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Old 02-11-2008, 02:52 PM
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I experience this. Just knowing that the journal is there will help.

For me, the memories and feelings came after I had the journal in place. Then, I would get something coming to me at the most inopportune times! LOL...You just have to go grab that journal and get it down anyway...I had to give myself permission to feel and then wait for things to come up.

So, yeah, I been there...it will come...just be patient.
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Old 02-11-2008, 03:51 PM
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Let the thoughts come out when they are ready.

For me, they often pop up at odd moments, not anything like when I expected them to. When I'd bang my elbow so hard it made me cry, when I took a long walk and got thoroughly exhausted, when I was suffering from insomnia and not entirely reasonable....... those are the times when I'd have some interesting breakthroughs. It's like.....when I let my guard down? Something like that.

Your job isn't to force yourself to feel things -- just to be the scribe when something tells you it wants to be written down.

Btw, I too have a mentally ill brother, and I write to him too.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 02-11-2008, 06:30 PM
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I know you won't believe this...but I have an elder mentally handicaped brother, as well.
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Old 02-11-2008, 08:29 PM
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Whoa. Dude.
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Old 02-14-2008, 08:37 AM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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Since there are three of us who have special brothers.... I wanted to ask a question. Do any of you know of support groups for family memebers of people who are ******** or mentely ill? I ask because after my mom died we (my sister and I) got him an appartment but as it turns out, he can not live alone. His body is 52 but mentaly he is around 4 or 6. It's strange but sometimes he acts like a man and sometimes a little kid. Anyway, we have had him in two group homes now and when he does something wrong and gets into trouble he will call and cry or get all freaked out and sometimes I am overwelmed with sadness and guilt about his situation. I promased mom I would look after him and I feel like I have failed. (Even though I know it's what is best for him) He has never had much in his life, my dad treated him bad and hardly ever spoke to him without yelling, and growing up my mom would get out of controle sometimes and my brother was the easy target so he was the one she would hit. I remember her beating him once for something I did. I was about 5 or 6 at the time and confessed but she just kept hitting and kicking him while he was rolled up in a ball on th floor begging her to stop.

If I was rich, I would give my brother everything he ever wanted and more. He was the last person anyone thought of and most of our family treated him real bad. They would not want him in the room and constantly told him to shut up or say (on one wants to hear what you have to say)

My heart breaks for him.
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Old 02-14-2008, 02:19 PM
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I don't know about the support group...but I would be interested in it too.

I can so relate to the feelings that you have toward your brother...I have the same feelings and my other brother, my sister and I will have to make the decision that you have already made..(group home)..but, today, my brother still lives with my mom who is in her 50's.

Mom has asked me what we will do if something happens to her...how will we care for him...as it stands..I have no answer for her..but I know my brother, sister and I will make a quality decision...I just don't know how it will go.

On top of his handicap, my brother had a nervous break down when he was 18.

This is a whole aspect to my recovery that I haven't dealt with yet.

Thank you for sharing about your mentally handicaped brother and know that I understand and am praying for you both.

Please feel free to share about this more...this is a topic I know I will always be interested in.
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:12 AM
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Hi Lost,

I'm sorry you've been carrying around this weight all these years. I have a feeling it might all be tied together.....being/staying in a disrespectful relationship, getting down on yourself for not having the power to change the past, etc. I hope you are able to find a support forum (maybe through Google?) and I hope you share it here when you do.

You did not do this. You did not cause your brother's condition. You did not cause your parent's behavior toward him. And the things you may have done that contributed to WHATEVER happened long ago were done by a child who didn't know any better.

You are going to have to forgive yourself some day.

You are going to have to come to a place where you realize that you did the best you could, given who you were -- and what you knew -- at the time.

I was never a therapist person, but I was able to work through a lot of this poison with a counselor, and stop carrying it around and letting it keep me in terrible situations, so guilt-ridden that I felt I deserved all the bad things that were happening to me. You might want to consider trying that, if you aren't already. You're carrying this 500 pound weight around, and it's keeping you sad......and you're not even supposed to be carrying it in the first place.

I didn't deserve any of it. YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT EITHER. You did the best you could with the light you had to see by at the time.

And you continue to do whatever you can, helping where you can, with your brother. Being there to support him in some small way, that's a good thing. You can't change his mental illness. You can't change the past.

You can only change now, today, and do the best you can for him, and for you. What are you going to do for yourself today?
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Old 02-15-2008, 08:17 AM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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Just a note about the group home/foster home thing. You might want to work on that before something happens to your mom so your brother can feel more at home before he has to deal with loosing your mom. My brother is still dealing with the death of my mom and learning to live with rules. She never made him do anything he didn't want to and it is sooooo hard for him to understand that life is full of rules and he too has to live by them.

He constantly talks about how they pick on him and how he wishes he could live with me. Well I will say that if I do end up divorced then I plan to look into a duplex or something and then he can have his own place again and I can be close to take care of him. The rules however...... STAND.

I can't tell him any of this because if I do he will work to make that happen. As it stands he is doing stuff that may get him kicked out of where he is.

I had him over last night and we ate a heart shaped pizza. It was nice to have a good evening with him. Unfortunatly my husband was still mad at me for getting mad at him for being out the other night (drinking and gambling) For some reason he seems to think I have no right to get mad at him for anything. If that's true then I am nothing. He doesn't understand that.

Well.... I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Hugs D
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:33 AM
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Thank you for the advice LNF...You are right.

GL...I just realized I, too, am carrying around the 500pd weight. I need to find a counselor---if for nothing else---just to deal with the aspect of having guilt over issues related to my brother.

I know its been hard on him since dad died...watching mom go through her "issues", but I realize now, that...there is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is look into the group/foster home thing...educate myself on that and begin a dialogue with my siblings about it.

Thank you LNF...for this useful thread. It has been a window into an issue that I need to consider.
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Old 02-19-2008, 12:30 PM
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Guess what, I'm not crazy.
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I know this may sound a bit over the top but I am looking into opening a foster/group home so I can get my brother into a place I know is run correctly and has clients that are at the same level living together.

I haven't told my sister yet because she would think I was nuts but I feel like It's something I need to do. Not just for him but for me too. I don't feel like I do my part for others and this would be a good karma thing to do.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my own sadness that I forget there are other people who have much bigger needs than I do. I know I can't help the entire world but I figure if I can't help my brother then what sort of person am I.
OK I admit it.... I'm lazy and selfish. :-)
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Old 02-19-2008, 12:59 PM
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Thumbs up awesome

Originally Posted by lostnfound1961 View Post
I know this may sound a bit over the top but I am looking into opening a foster/group home so I can get my brother into a place I know is run correctly and has clients that are at the same level living together.
That sounds awesome! You are now my hero....

Keep us posted! Let us know how it goes!
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Old 02-20-2008, 09:59 AM
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Hi lost and all.

I have a niece with Down Syndrome.

I've been working with adults with developmental disabilities for 11 years in group homes and independent living. I started my own business 5 years ago. My clients live in their own apartments and they are so happy. I have clients who are very low functioning, some with high behaviors, some who are married and some with children. California law says that adults with developmental disabilities can choose to live in a home of their choice and they get to receive the services that enable them to do that. That means they can live in their own apartment with 24 hour care if needed. I think other state laws are similar. They usually have to live with a roommate because they can't afford an apartment here on their own.

There are many programs available and it's worth looking into in your state.

This is the satisfaction survey I send out to my clients every year. If they are lacking in any area we help them achieve their goals. I think the questions are good for any of our family members to help us help them.

LIFESTYLE

Do you have enough access to the community (e.g. stores, parks, buses, and places to go for fun)?

Do you have problems with transportation?

Are there things you would like to do or do more of?

Do you have a job or are you going to school?

Do you need any special supports to get out in the community? to go to school? to do your job?

If you have special supports or equipment, are they in good repair?
Are there special holidays and events you would like to celebrate?
If you have a special Religious preference, are you able to practice it?
Are you comfortable in your home or apartment? Did you choose the furniture? decorations?

Do you feel that you can live here as long as you want?

Do you have people in your life that can speak your language?


RELATIONSHIPS

Do you have friends and caring relationship?

Do you have opportunities to meet with people where you live? Where you work?

Do you have someone with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings?

Do you have someone to talk to about sexuality or family life?

Do you have a phone available to contact others?

Do you need any special equipment to use the phone?

Do you have transportation available when you want to visit or go somewhere with family or friends?

Are you dating someone or could you if you wanted to?

Do you have privacy when spending time with family or friends?


CHIOCE

When you have free time do you get to try new things? If not, why don’t you?

Do you make choices for yourself? If not, who makes choices for you?

Did you choose where you live?

Did you choose where to work?

Do you choose your friends?

Do you choose how you spend your money?

Have there been times when you made choices and didn’t get what you wanted?

Are you receiving the support services that you chose?

Did you help work on your Individual Service Plan?

Are you happy with our services? If not, why?

Are you happy with your support staff? If not, why?


RIGHTS

Has someone told you about your rights?

Do you know what to do if someone violates your rights?

Do you have privacy in your home?

Do you have help with your money?

Do you spend your money the way you want to?

Have you ever-needed help and couldn’t get it?

Do you ever feel like you need help speaking up for yourself with family, friends, or your service providers?

Are you having any problems with Social Security benefits, medi-cal or IHSS services?

Is there anyone taking away your rights?

If so, do you have someone to help you solve the problem?
Is anyone taking or borrowing your money?


HEALTH AND WELL-BEING

Do you feel safe in your neighborhood? In not, why not?

Do you know what to do if you don’t feel safe?

Do you believe that you can protect yourself in the community?
Have you had training on safety and security?

Do you know what to do in case of a fire or earthquake?

Do you know what to do if you are injured or sick?

Do you know how to call for help in an emergency?

Do you have a regular doctor and dentist that you see?

If you are taking medication do you know why you are taking them?
Do you know about any side effects?

Do you have any problems getting medical help when you need it?
Do you have transportation to your doctor or dentist?

Do you exercise regularly?

Do you eat a healthy diet?

SATISFACTION

Are there some things that you want to do that you are still working on: like learning something new: saving money to do something special?
Do you feel that you are being given opportunities to learn and advance?
Do you have confidence in the people helping you?

Are there any areas of you like that you feel you don’t have the services and supports you need? Where you live, work, and in the community?

Do you believe that you are in charge of your life? If not, who is?
Are you happy with your life? If not, are there any changes you would like to make?

Are there other things that we haven’t talked about in your life that we haven’t mentioned?

Did someone help you answer these questions?
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